Blogging at 3am
I've started about 6 posts over the last week that I have not posted for one reason or another. Some posts are left drafts because I am not ready for the world to view and others are to protect feelings (mine or other people's), one thing I said I wouldn't do with this blog. I started this anonymously to get things out of my head. I think I will continue in this direction, just not so anonymous anymore.
As therapy for PTSD, I started writing in a journal. This is great and all, but for a girl who is always on a computer everywhere she goes, I found blogging a better outlet for the noise in my head. For one, I'm always connected to the internet and, two, it just doesn't seem practical for a tech-girl like me to carry a big purse to fit a journal. I do not want to be viewed as a girly-girl afterall. (Hmm, I should really rethink that statement because I use it often while wearing heels and long hair everywhere I go.) Let's rephrase that, I do not want to be viewed as a high maintenance fru-fru girl who is always fussing about clothes, makeup, etc.
As my blog started to take on a little life and represent me. I started emailing my blog to different people in my life to test the waters and see if I would scare them away or where my thoughts would take others. I was very cautious and slow with sharing with one trusted group at a time....
- Friends with distance - I am blessed with many friends. This trusted group of friends are people that do not have the history or day-to-day understanding of my life. Most of these connections run very deep, even more so now because they have stepped up at a time when I needed them most. Each of the chosen few received this link from me. I didn't ask for feedback, but knew them all of the minds to explore. Hours after forwarding the link the feedback was positive, understanding, and encouraging. This small groups encouragement is really what led to me showing my blog to anyone else.
- Immediate family - I don't feel most of my family understands what I am going through or even a small fraction of what I feel most of the time. I was hoping this would provide them a portal, should they choose to explore. The link they have, the feedback I have not.
- Like beings - People who I feel I relate to on different intelligence and higher emotional levels that the average person would not even take notice of or understand
- Dearest friends - I found my peers as one of the most difficult groups to share with, next to family. I know my friends love me endlessly but sometimes it is hard to let them know you are weak, or maybe not as strong or as independent as you hope they were perceiving you.
I am starting to believe some of the people "closest to me" either are scared to comment, do not know what to say, scared to read it....or blatantly just haven't taken the time.
In the end, I guess, I know this is for me and my health. I have actually enjoyed the peace blogging brings to me.
Pleasure sometimes is a rare thing for me. For years, many things in life have been a forced smile or happiness. This time it is for real.
It is 4am, do you know where your blog is?
1 comment:
I thought I'd drop in with my own two cents and ply it for all it's worth...
When I first started "sharing" my personal/emotional/mental problems with other people, I followed a pattern as well. My distance friends overlapped my closest friends to some degree, and I sought out my family last. It was scary. And hard. And I didn't get around to my family until a very good therapist strongly encouraged it. My friends took it well, and strangely I ended up married to a distance friend who took it all in stride. My family, though... that's a little different.
I still remember "reporting" in during a therapy session, relating my discussion with my family about my struggles. My therapist sized me up and said "So...." (really dragging it out) "did the sky fall?"
Well, no. The sky didn't fall. But I found in the end that it changed little. For me, my family has continued to generally pretend that everything is fine and politely look away when it isn't. Or at least, that's how it feels to me.
But I realized that telling them was important for me, not for them. And while I wish that it had led to a closer relationship than it has, just taking the chance to put it all out there continues to be significant for me. It always reminds me that the sky didn't fall.
So I guess I just wanted to yell "Keep on, keep on" - or something like that.
And I love your line "I do not want to be viewed as a high maintenance fru-fru girl who is always fussing about clothes, makeup, etc." I'm going to have to borrow it from time to time.
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