Scars

I can't make them go away. I can't make them stop hurting. I feel like I swallowed a million razor blades tonight...and the only thing the scars beg for is release, or maybe more pain. I just want to stab them with a needle to feed the pain, or maybe release it for good. If I feed it, maybe it will sleep for bit and let me be.

Every time I forget the scares are there, I accidentally brush against one of them or scratch an itch and there they are...jagged little edges...no meat behind them...shallows on my own body....holes where someone got inside of me, but a piss poor job of putting me back together whole. Easy access so maybe they can cut me open again? or just permanently marking me as imperfect.

No one wanted to scare me, and tell me how awful it would be in the end. Everyone just provided me with hope-filled wishes that when it is all over every thing will be better. You'll feel so much better when it is over. HA!...later as I still deal with the constant pain and complications, the truth comes out...It was awful, totally rearranged my insides. I haven't been the same since. Screw hope. I wish I would have known the truth and what the future really had in store for me.

Waking up, feelings as though they were trying to suffocate me...the pain...walking around, holding my insides in, fearing if I let them go, everything would fall out. I didn't care enough to ask for help thought, continuing to push myself further and harder only to cause more pain. The tearing and pulling, at what little of my insides that were still intact, only to in the end, hurt more.

Still, I rub, I scratch the scars. The depressed, rough scar where there once was perfection and the reality of imperfection now stakes claim.

The Numb

My dreams lately have been plagued by what some may call nightmares; dead people, crashes, fatal crashes all around me filling the moments my eyes drift shut. I wander through them, waiting for the end to come, for it to finally to stop happening, and to be cleared. The night before last though, I found a little girl when I was wandering. I stopped and entertained her while the accidents were all being dealt with around us. Her and I were in our own little bubble, numb to the blood and chaos surrounding us. Is this me? Am I finally becoming numb to my biggest fear?

3:30 am - Still at work

Now I wish I had my pillow and my snuggly "looks like I killed Pooh" blanket. Oh, I wish I had socks, too. My feet are cold working in the server room. Today, I hate servers. I don't think I get paid enough to like the metal beasts anymore. Maybe I will make nice and give back all the hardware I have robbed from the poor thing in the morning, if it is nice. Wow, I am losing it now.

I think my blog is losing all direction and purpose the last two weeks. I think my lack of sleep has something to do with that. I think I feel a responsibility to write even though I have nothing of purpose or of meaning to share. Therefore, I rant and ramble.

5:15 am - Still at work
I'll probably still be in trouble today too, still be told that I'm not putting in enough effort or hours. Hmm, what have I been doing with my life for the last 2-3 weeks? I had thought doing nothing but worrying over work, but obviously I was wrong once again. Sleepy, emotional frustration, ugh. K, enough whining, server is back up.

6:53 am - Still at work and crunch time begins
Co-workers will start arriving in about 30 mins and email is still down. Do I curl up in a lil ball and start screaming like Just Jack now or save my breath for those who will appreciate the laugh and Just Jack humor? Hopefully, I will get this fixed before 8 so that I can sneak out for a Starbuck Chai tea...or better yet, I should call a co-worker and see if I can plan the pity I've been here all night will you please bring me Starbuck's card. The latter sounds like a better plan. I forgot to call the ex-husband to have him stop in and take care of my dog, so I have to implement plan B and catch the neighbor boy on his way out of bed whenever that may be.

6:58 am - Server still loading updates
Time for more tea. Caffeine holes in stomach are good, right? Plan A for kissing butt with co-workers: make pots of coffee so everyone has hot cup upon arrival. Ahhh, I'm soooo bright!

7:14 am - Server is rebooting, yet, again
Two pots of regular coffee are already made, one pot decaf on its way...and I don't even drink the crap. Now if I were really good I would go line up their coffee mugs in the kitchen and pour it as they walked in, but that would be pushing it, even for sweet, little, ol' slap, happy me.

7:39 am - Email is still down
And I get no damn appreciation for the coffee, just crabbing about the email. I can't wait for the beating from the bossmen.

Blogging at 3am

I've started about 6 posts over the last week that I have not posted for one reason or another. Some posts are left drafts because I am not ready for the world to view and others are to protect feelings (mine or other people's), one thing I said I wouldn't do with this blog. I started this anonymously to get things out of my head. I think I will continue in this direction, just not so anonymous anymore.

As therapy for PTSD, I started writing in a journal. This is great and all, but for a girl who is always on a computer everywhere she goes, I found blogging a better outlet for the noise in my head. For one, I'm always connected to the internet and, two, it just doesn't seem practical for a tech-girl like me to carry a big purse to fit a journal. I do not want to be viewed as a girly-girl afterall. (Hmm, I should really rethink that statement because I use it often while wearing heels and long hair everywhere I go.) Let's rephrase that, I do not want to be viewed as a high maintenance fru-fru girl who is always fussing about clothes, makeup, etc.

As my blog started to take on a little life and represent me. I started emailing my blog to different people in my life to test the waters and see if I would scare them away or where my thoughts would take others. I was very cautious and slow with sharing with one trusted group at a time....

1. Friends with distance - I am blessed with many friends. This trusted group of friends are people that do not have the history or day-to-day understanding of my life. Most of these connections run very deep, even more so now because they have stepped up at a time when I needed them most. Each of the chosen few received this link from me. I didn't ask for feedback, but knew them all of the minds to explore. Hours after forwarding the link the feedback was positive, understanding, and encouraging. This small groups encouragement is really what led to me showing my blog to anyone else.
2. Immediate family - I don't feel most of my family understands what I am going through or even a small fraction of what I feel most of the time. I was hoping this would provide them a portal, should they choose to explore. The link they have, the feedback I have not.
3. Like beings - People who I feel I relate to on different intelligence and higher emotional levels that the average person would not even take notice of or understand
4. Dearest friends - I found my peers as one of the most difficult groups to share with, next to family. I know my friends love me endlessly but sometimes it is hard to let them know you are weak, or maybe not as strong or as independent as you hope they were perceiving you.

I am starting to believe some of the people "closest to me" either are scared to comment, do not know what to say, scared to read it....or blatantly just haven't taken the time.

In the end, I guess, I know this is for me and my health. I have actually enjoyed the peace blogging brings to me.

Pleasure sometimes is a rare thing for me. For years, many things in life have been a forced smile or happiness. This time it is for real.

It is 4am, do you know where your blog is?

It's 3am, do you know where my sleep is?

I can't sleep, again. The one amusing thing about the situation is the singular thought in my head is the Bedroom Store commercial that run in the mornings, "Hi, I'm Danny Boyd. Hope you slept well St. Louis." I guess I should give them props on that I am thinking about it at 3am when I cannot sleep (although, in a slightly pissed off, nightmarish way).

Will the lights go out tonight

Some nights I lay here and just pray for sleep. I feel like I'll go crazy if sleep doesn't fall upon me soon. I didn't sleep well last night, so I thought tonight I would find it fast...yet, it still escapes me.

Maybe all the excitement today is keeping me awake. I had the newspaper here taking pictures of my Great Room for an article on the dream homes of generation X. I got my car back and fully repaired. It drove like it was brand new again (maybe I won't trade it in right away). I forgot how great and smooth it was before age caught up with it, but unlike me, it was given new youth again. I wish I could get a few new parts to make me like I was back in the day, but no such luck.

Then, maybe not excitement, but the worries work has cursed me with lately is cheating me of sleep. I feel so out of sorts there lately. The boss makes me feel uneasy, as does the newly hired VP. I, also, should've picked up some things from Best Buy tonight that I forgot about that they need for a trip first thing in the morning...rush rush rush.

And maybe just some cold air would freeze me to sleep. God bless my Ex and I pray he fixes this AC problem tomorrow.

Sweet dreams to those who can find them.