Stick me with a needle

I may be repeating myself, but I've been in a lull, pretty numb to the world. I think this feeling is partly by choice. I don't want to be involved. I don't want to get out.

I stayed at home this weekend, safely curled up on my couch...I can be numb; I don't have to witness and process the world moving forward around me. At home, life is the same. Nothing is going on or changing around me. There is not a thing to drain me more than my own thoughts. To make the scene even better, my power was out a good part of the time on Saturday. The sky outside was dark, rain was tapping against the windows, and I sat there curled up under a sheet, alone. Even though the world was stagnent around me, my brain was in full-speed, wandering. I think I was actually happy not to have anything invading my thoughts.

Although alone time seems great, it is plagued with guilt of everything I should be doing. I have a basement full of laundry. The carpet in the living room needs to be cleaned (damn dogs). The wood floors need to be swept (damn dog hair). I need to shower (damn me). There is, also, the guilt of what I owe others. I should be spending time with my grandmother, or my sister, who keeps calling my cell phone wanting me to join her on a poor man's shopping adventure. I could be doing something productive like making jewelry or posting my 10 cases of Hallmark ornaments on eBay (cha-ching), but instead I stay curled up in a ball staring at the rain splashing against the windows.

I so badly wish to be out of this funk. I even passed on opportunities to go spend time with my beau, who I've spent very little time with the last few weeks. He will be leaving in a week on a cross-country adventure, helping move his brother out West for school, but it still doesn't seem reason enough for me to leave my zone and my chance to think.

These lil lulls in life seem to bring on cravings, sweet cravings. By noon, Saturday, I already put away a box of Thin Mints that I had sitting on the counter since the Girl Scouts delivered them in March. Its funny how they didn't become a diet temptation til now. And if there was ice cream in the house, I could've easily ate a gallon of it (my waistline is thankful that I don't shop often and the freezer is often empty).

I sit in my lonliness and as content as I am; I'm just as much not. I want someone there to save me from myself, but, in the same instance, the person seems to an intrusion into my world of me. I think someone best put it, "I have 3 brain cells left and they are all at war." I would have to say that is a pretty good description of my life right now, no easy decisions.

I could continue on, but lately I feel like my writing is a clustered trainwreck (but then again aren't all trainwreck's clustered?).

Do you ever have so much in your head to solve that even spending the whole weekend alone thinking it all through is just not enough time to make sense of it all??? not enough time to solve all the little problems plaguing your day-to-day life???