Watching files download

I'm sitting here watching files download. I lead an exciting life, I know.

I was trying to think of something worth writing about while I watch time pass 1% of my file download at a time, but nothing is striking me as worthwhile.

I am in no way discontent with my lack of provoking thought. I just want to get through today, another day....another day, which the world turned at a very slow pace in comparison to my mind...another day, where the sun never really shined...another day, where I'm still trying to figure it all out.

What is it? Good question. Life, to be general. I have no real definition or plan for it, nor am I a fly by the seat of my pants through life type either. I am some where in the middle. I guess I am truly a Libra. I like certain things about my life planned, but I like leaving enough room that I am not locked plans. Life changes quickly, so I need to be able to change my plans quickly with it.

68.9% of my file is downloaded.

A former co-worker sent an email today that made me chuckle. He moved to CA awhile back but still listens to the local radio stations over the internet during the day. His email included a link to a story about a man assaulted by hot cookies after his friends stole drugs from the two men, but that is not why I laughed....underneath the link was another line from him, "BTW, highs will be in the lower 60's expect minor delays on 40 Westbound" Did I mention he lives in CA now? Thanks for the update, Matt.

84.1% of my file is downloaded.

Jon just stopped in to interrupt my blog-zen...he mentioned that he often writes posts but never gets around to finishing, or posting. I am guilty of doing the same thing. I either am afraid of posting, don't finish it to my idea of complete thought for a posting, or let it simmer for awhile and post it no matter what it says, how complete or incomplete it is. The posting is the relief, letting that something off my back or out of my head, and one more thing I don't have to keep shelled up inside.

Download complete. Have a great evening.

3:30 am - Still at work

Now I wish I had my pillow and my snuggly "looks like I killed Pooh" blanket. Oh, I wish I had socks, too. My feet are cold working in the server room. Today, I hate servers. I don't think I get paid enough to like the metal beasts anymore. Maybe I will make nice and give back all the hardware I have robbed from the poor thing in the morning, if it is nice. Wow, I am losing it now.

I think my blog is losing all direction and purpose the last two weeks. I think my lack of sleep has something to do with that. I think I feel a responsibility to write even though I have nothing of purpose or of meaning to share. Therefore, I rant and ramble.

5:15 am - Still at work
I'll probably still be in trouble today too, still be told that I'm not putting in enough effort or hours. Hmm, what have I been doing with my life for the last 2-3 weeks? I had thought doing nothing but worrying over work, but obviously I was wrong once again. Sleepy, emotional frustration, ugh. K, enough whining, server is back up.

6:53 am - Still at work and crunch time begins
Co-workers will start arriving in about 30 mins and email is still down. Do I curl up in a lil ball and start screaming like Just Jack now or save my breath for those who will appreciate the laugh and Just Jack humor? Hopefully, I will get this fixed before 8 so that I can sneak out for a Starbuck Chai tea...or better yet, I should call a co-worker and see if I can plan the pity I've been here all night will you please bring me Starbuck's card. The latter sounds like a better plan. I forgot to call the ex-husband to have him stop in and take care of my dog, so I have to implement plan B and catch the neighbor boy on his way out of bed whenever that may be.

6:58 am - Server still loading updates
Time for more tea. Caffeine holes in stomach are good, right? Plan A for kissing butt with co-workers: make pots of coffee so everyone has hot cup upon arrival. Ahhh, I'm soooo bright!

7:14 am - Server is rebooting, yet, again
Two pots of regular coffee are already made, one pot decaf on its way...and I don't even drink the crap. Now if I were really good I would go line up their coffee mugs in the kitchen and pour it as they walked in, but that would be pushing it, even for sweet, little, ol' slap, happy me.

7:39 am - Email is still down
And I get no damn appreciation for the coffee, just crabbing about the email. I can't wait for the beating from the bossmen.

Can I curl up and cry now?

Today was tough and in 10 minutes I can finally put it all behind me and start anew. The bad part is...I am still sitting at work. I am taking a quick break with a cup of hot tea to warm up. Burrrrr, it is cold here.

I didn't sleep last night due to migraine. I should've just gave in and drove myself to the hospital, but I always think if I can just wait it out just a little bit longer I will fall asleep and sleep it off. Nope. Nada.

Fast forward to noonish...I sit down at my desk. The owner of my company asks if I have time to talk, of course, I do. Let me just say the talk was not a good one, it was one of those where I wonder if I will have a job next week. The talk, also, caused the throbbing in my head to grow. If I could only go home and disappear. I felt so alone and isolated today. I couldn't talk to anyone about how awful I was feeling for fear I would break down in tears, nor was work really the place to talk about work. I've only been out of here for an hour since 12:30 today, not good.

Alex's day was about the same, which makes me wonder what the moon looks like outside tonight. Hmmm? By the time I hung up the phone with Alex though, I did have a smile on my face, so kudos to Alex. Also, a gold star to Dr. DD for making me leave with a smile as usual too. I needed the extra pats on the back today.

I, also, need to apologize to Jason "you let me shave your head" Jason. Happy Birthday! and I'm sorry I missed your party tonight.

Happy Birthday Jason!
You may look like Uncle Fester
But you always take care of my car like a wise old Yoda
Happy Birthday, Baldy!
I owe you a few!!!!!!

A theory on life lately...

I have been so balled up and worried about how others and their actions towards me are affecting my life that I haven't paid as much attention to taking control of my life. I need to put an end to people forcing life upon me. I am not weak. I should not let them intimidate me or make me weak. I don't think this is the entire problem, but a place to start evaluating and correcting.

This weekend was rough. I spent a lot of time alone and curled up on the couch sleeping. Life has me very drained again. Work is the number one break in life. Add to that a few changes in the personal life equals Sheila not sleeping well. I can't keep surviving this way. I have a permanent persisting headache today. I know it is stress, just pounding away telling me to just go home and sleep. The other crap will still be there when I wake up in a few days, mental health needs to come first...too bad the bossman wouldn't understand. I wish I could work as many days straight as I wanted to and just take weekends when I needed them and then a few more days a time. Ahhh, if only I ran the world.

Ok...off to do something like lay on the couch and vege now.

It's back

The pain that someone you love just hurt you deeply. A best friend abandoned you. You ran over the cute little gray bunny. They died and left you behind. She is know longer there for you when you need her most. The pain that you just can't do it all on your own. The overwhelming pain. The one that reminds you that you are alone. You are in charge of you...and your house, and your dog, and your car, and going to work, and, and, and....

Setbacks. Reminders. I'm not fixed yet. I can't do it alone.

Setbacks? or fears?

I get so close. Yet, when I do really well, I get scared that people think I am cured. They think I don't need any help or support or concern. I start to feel abandoned and alone. Fear.

The overwhelming out-of-place sensation at work is encouraging the above, I think...maybe. Work the last 3 weeks has definitely put me on edge. I need to climb back on my rock and gain a little ground.

My evils: It is hard to say if PTSD is feeding the edginess at work right now or vice-versa, but either way both are shredding my insides. I just want to sleep. I've resorted back to little blue pill called Lunesta.

Woke up on the wrong side of the bed

Err, couch (since I haven't slept in a bed since only who knows when).

I think I should have just stayed in bed this morning. When I showered (the place where I do way too much thinking), I started over thinking yesterday's events. Yesterday was not the best of days, but ended ok with a little meditating and spoil me shopping (more on that later tonight when I unpack the bags from the backseat of my car and see how much damage I really did to my bank account). Work still has me edgy. I have a lot of work with several quick commitment dates which I don't think can be pushed back despite the world falling apart in the server room (typical for the IT world). The project management team has, also, become extremely needy this week because it is a patch week. Anytime it is patch week, they push all their customer stuff that I can handle back on me, because they are overwhelmed with documentation. Normally, I don't mind picking up the slack, but now I have a boss man (besides the owner who likes that I cover their backs). This new world isn't working well for me, at the moment. I'm not sure if it is a matter of adjustment or just not a good fit. The lack of sleep is just making the entire situation worse. I really just need a mental health day curled up in a ball where no one can find me (not even the ones I want to find me).........................

Actually, I don't think it is just work. I think it just everything, everyone; work just happened to kick it all off. I would like to go in the woods where no one can find me, hike up a bluff, feel the cool fall air against my face, the warmth of the sun warm my body, and just find a quiet place to sit and watch the world go on without me.

I haven't had any days like this for awhile, but I am just really edgy. I just don't feel like me. I still have a lot in my head I haven't been able to put to paper or to blog. Usually music helps me unclog my head when I get blocked, but I've had my iPod glued to me and it isn't helping me expell the needed mess. I keep looking over at my picture of Yoda telling me "Answers there are". "Where?" I ask. "Where?" I'm about ready to wipe that silly smirk off his face too, but I can't (I wear the same smirk almost daily). Maybe he is where I got it from....the childhood screening of Star Wars in the theater. I remember seeing two movies in the theater, Star Wars and Care Bears, when I was little. Answers there are seems to have taken me farther in life than the Care Bear stare, no offense to the Care Bears. One thing for the Care Bears though, everything ended perfectly. I think I could use one of those Care Bear hugs and endings right now. Anything...I just want to put my mind at ease from the chaos.

Which way to the door?

Six in the evening, I didn't know whether to scream or to cry. The server from hell decided to drop 2 out of 3 hard drives when I went to take it down to replace the bad hard drive, which put me in dire straights for the 2nd time in two weeks.

My stress and sleep levels couldn't take anymore of this. I just wanted to give up. I wasn't ready to do an all nighter again. I still needed to catch up on sleep from last week and let my mind recoup from the stress. I went into the server room and stared at the server blankly for a few minutes not sure where to start, just lost to the world. My brain did not want to turn on and work in hardware mode. My poor little head just wanted to go home and relax and write. I had planned an evening of exercise and writing and TV, not stressing in an ice box of a server room.

Thankfully Geoff-geoff called and jokingly inquired about when I was moving into his condo in Chicago. He let me know he had just washed the sheets so now would be a good time; and with the current stress at work, it sounds good to me. He said he just needed to go ring shopping because his Mom didn't want any girls living at his house unless he was engaged to them. Hey, hey, I'll have to keep that in mind. I'll always have Chicago and Geoff-geoff to lift my spirits on my bad days and to marry me if I get desperate. Finally, Geoff had to go and I went back to attack the work at hand with a little better attitude and a lot more fight in me.

So much for that freaking fru-fru manicure I paid waaaaaay to much for on Saturday, as soon as I opened the server I was back to the scratched-up, chipped-up nails that normally wears a mouthy, anti-priss chick like myself (and Brambles Beth wherever she is hiding).

PS. I, also, owe a bit of thanks to Tony G. and Marc for smart ass support. Crap like that is what keeps me going on nights that I just want to throw in the towel and give up. Thanks guys. I am not sure if it was dropping the server or kicking the hard drive that fixed the problem, but, hey, all is good now.

Lyrica - I feel like singing

Ok, I started a new med this week: Lyrica . I don't know if it is my crazy ear ache or the lovely Lyrica, but I'm feeling weird at the moment. Yes, I know I'm already weird, but this is like a dizzy weird, like I shouldn't have to work today weird.

I feel like I just drank 6 fish bowl Margaritas and my foot is trying to find the floor to make everything stop spinning. And to make things worse the "sanity test" is still in progress at work, so the constant beeping isn't helping anything. How can I feel drunk when I haven't had a drink in almost a month??? Lord, help me.

I've felt in this weird mood all day. In a way, it is confusing and distancing, but in another way it is freeing and fun. I have been skipping through the hallways in the office. I even decided to come into work late because maybe the "sanity test" isn't as fun for everyone as I initially thought so I went and bought ear plugs and noise eliminating head sets for everyone. That's right, just call me Santa Claus. Nothing like Christmas in September....I figured if they already are selling Christmas crap in department stores I can start giving Christmas gifts (since I definitely won't remember co-workers come Christmas time). Ho, Ho, Ho, Merry Christmas now, Probably BAAAAH Humbug come then.

Maybe this is just the adjusting period to Lyrica. I believe it is still a relatively new drug and maybe that is the reason I can't find good information on it like I normally do on the pills I take. Just call me a druggie. Druggie.

OK, I've been rambling long enough. Time for me to plot my escape from work.

'Til later, my compadres!

Testing one's sanity

Beep, beep, beep

That is the lovely noise echoing throughout my workplace today, thanks to one my critical servers failing. Since the server was working, I left it up even though the controller card was testing the sanity level of the rest of my co-workers. Personally, I just found my noise-reduction headphones and didn't hear a single beep. Meanwhile, my co-workers were walking around severely frazzled. I don't think I have ever been so entertained at work.

To make things even better, the alarm company showed up after lunch to test the alarms. The frazzled over-caffeinated beings went to super shaky on the edge of sanity within minutes of the fire alarms starting. I must say I wish I had my camera today. I think I was the only one thinking clearly.

Beep, beep, beep

PS. The good news (besides making my co-workers crazy today) is that I got to order a new server due to arrive Thursday. New toys! Yippee!

Reality Bites

Living in the now can be a scary awakening. This year I've been scared of the past, scared of the future, and terrified of the now. There never seems to be enough time for me to take it all in and find a place to process all the thoughts in my head. I have a million "plans" for my future, but as the ideas hit I do not have enough time to absorb or research the thoughts as deeply as I would like.

I guess the initial thought here is I finally have plans. For so long I was terrified to try something new, terrified of failing. I velieve I can handle failure better now, I think. I could research almost anything to death or evaluate the same things over and over again. My problem is I don't get paid right now for research. To get a paycheck, my job demands that I work on IT stuff. Bummer.

There are not enough hours in my world to absorb the now. I feel like healing from the PTSD has been a whirl-wind tour. It took 7.5 yrs to create this mess and in 7 months now I've already made significant changes to improve my quality of life and not let the PTSD own quite as much of my world anymore. Hopefully, soon it will not own any of my world. We will see.

The past. Will I ever really be able to put the past behind me? Therapy has been great for me to understand the hows and whys of my life better. Each session has allowed me to put things in a better place and to rest. The past is done, behind me. I need to be done with it, too. Easier said than done. Done, done, done. The past created me, but I can't let it own me. Yet, I dwell on things I can no longer change and that no longer influence my future. I'm hoarding the past. I hide from everyone that I still do, but I remember so many bad things and I cannot let them go. This is where PTSD still owns me.

Now this is Service - 2 hours 5 minutes later..

Microsoft finally told me they would have to forward my problem to the Internet Explorer development team and their queue is a call-back queue. The current wait time for a call-back is 24 hours. WOW, I'm so impressed, especially after wasting the last 2 hrs and 5 mins of my life trying to get a ticket opened. Maybe Billy-boy himself is going to call me back and thank us for finding flaws in their security fixes...then, again, I'll be lucky for someone who speaks understandable English calls me back with a fix before our customers call raising all hell because our product no longer works if they apply this latest IE cumulative patch.

Hmm, now that my phone is no longer attached to my ear, I'm not sure what to do. Is it 5 o'clock yet?

Microsoft phone support aka my living hell

Ok, I've been on the phone with Microsoft's support line now for over 50 minutes and still do not have a ticket opened yet. Good thing I'm getting paid good money to sit here on hold (and blog). I work for a software company and our software has suddenly stopped working after Microsoft's latest cumulative update for Internet Explorer was applied this morning. Damn Microsoft, again! so much for quality testing. The Microsoft Knowledge Base says the problem is a known issue and provides a link to download the fix, but the fix doesn't fix it. Go figure, another round of applause for Microsoft, please.

Microsoft has caused me to lose my appetite. I just gave my awesome lunch of a chicken fajita wrap to my cube neighbor. As he opened to eat it, the smell wofted over here, now I'm hungry again. DAMN Microsoft, it is all your fault I gave my lunch away. It has now been 55 minutes and 22 seconds and I'm still on hold. I'll keep you posted on my progress later.

I'm just glad I'm not paying for this call. Yippee, screw Microsoft.

My life is like a rollercoaster

...up, down, and all around, twisting and turning and churning my stomach. Sometime the road is smooth, some time it is rough and bumpy. Right now, I have to say it is definitely bumpy, driving on cobblestone bumpy. Yesterday started out great and went down hill quickly.

Actually, it didn't start out so great. I woke up to one of my closest friends calling at 4:23am. As soon as I heard his voice I started worrying. Something was definitely wrong, but being 5 hrs away, I couldn't help, or fix things for him this time. It was, also, the type of situation in which talking it out was not going to solve anything. It is a sickening when you know someone needs a shoulder and yours either can't support or just isn't big enough to reach out to them.

Later in the morning, things were going really well. I had lots of energy. I was also excited it was Thursday and I would be seeing my friends later in the evening. Even at the doc's I was excited and he was too. I definitely fed off the energy there. Going to the doc's is also a great break in the day and a relief in my life knowing that I can talk things through with someone who understands my world. After my early lunch break there, I went back to the doom and gloom of work where I had earlier informed them that I needed to take a late lunch on Monday for another appointment. Evidently, the rules have changed and I now need to fill out a time-off request form to delay my lunch hour from starting 12:30 to 1:45 pm. Being annoyed that they were going to penalize me for a late lunch, I emailed the boss back and questioned why were we now being required to fill out Time off Requests for a simple delay in lunch, when 8 hrs were still being worked. Grrrr, let's just this just say this ended with the bossman telling me I'm being ridiculous for thinking this is all a little overboard. All I can say here is that he hasn't seen me being ridiculous, yet. Damn bossman.

Although the bossman rattled my cage a bit, I couldn't let him entirely ruin my day. I stopped at Mi Lupita on my way home and ended the night with a chimmi-cheesecake with hot apples and ice cream. Mmmmm, even the dog and my thighs loved it. God bless the Mexicans and their yummy Mexi-American desserts.

Can I crawl under my shell and hide?

Work, namely my boss, has a way of throwing me off kilter.

I once upon time would live to work. I loved the power and energy it gave me, even when I had a boss who I didn't quite see eye to eye with. These days though, work drains me. I have a hard time getting out of bed in the morning to face the daily boring grind. My work now has become routine, same thing every day. I no longer fly around the world or have urgent problems to fix at 3am. I just drag my widening ass out of bed to come into the office and sit in an awful blue chair and try to surf to the end of the internet (no, I haven't found it yet, but I will keep you posted).

Back to my boss, he never knows what he really wants, he changes his mind with each new idea thrown out to him. He never looks at the big picture with a plan, instead puts out fires and does everything as a reaction. Granted this is occassionally fun, it is also draining. I never know what to expect: will I get snapped at for being late or praised because I fixed something in 2.2 secs (that really wasn't a big deal to start with). Grrrr, maybe he is the one that needs therapy to straighten out his head.

He is one of those people I despise...a pleaser. He plays people. He tells them what they want to hear even if he has no intention of doing it or believing what he is saying. I think I rather be told how it is sometimes than receive 100% fluff. Fluff just makes me choke and wipe all the fuzzies off my tongue.

I started this rant before rai$e-time here to calm my nerves, but finished it when I realized raiSe-time is just more fluff. And a time to wear Static guard in hope that I won't choke on anymore fluff.

Pink Elephants

I didn't know what to title today's post, nor do I really have anything to write about. I'm in one of those moods, not bad by any means, but nothing that says I'm so happy either. The world is going around and I am here, end of story.

The exciting part of the story is that I bought a new mug this week with pink elephants on it. Why pink elephants? Why not! No one else has a mug with pink elephants. Pink elephants may be perceived as silly and childish, but they make me smile, especially since these are blowing pink bubbles. Now who wouldn't want a blue mug with pink elephants blowing bubbles? I guess a lot of people since I found my mug on clearance along with a large family of pink elephant mugs. See, I told you my life is exciting, or not.

One of my best friends is going on a blind date tonight with someone she met through eHarmony. She is very nervous and unsure about the internet dating world. She has met some guys with extraordinairy lives, or so they say. When I was trying to pump her up for her date I thought about how people perceive themselves is not necessarily how the rest of the world views them; that is what makes internet dating tricky. You are relying on the person on the other end to tell you about themselves, when really you probably need to be interviewing one of their friends to get to know the person. In my case, I'm not sure if my friends would be able to do that or not. I try to put up my shell even to my closest friends, but there are a few who know how to slowly widdle me down to get to the truth, to "the real me". Did I mention I met my Mr. Wonderful on eHarmony? Maybe that is why I'm not scared of the thought anymore and giving my friend the swift kick in the butt to give this a try and have fun with it. We only live once. And we can never make too many friends, or miss the chance to meet the "One". Good luck tonight "M". First one down, and plenty more to go.

I went to dinner with my friend, Trey, last night. He look at me and said it seems like this job is "sucking the life out of me". I think he is right. It is either sucking or status quo, never enhancing my life like my work once did. What to do now?

I think its time for a plate of Mexican and a margarita.

Toodles, Noodles!

PS. Did I mention my pink elephant mug is the ugliest thing I've ever seen?