Peace

Let there be peace on Earth always seemed to be one of those hymns sung a lot at Christmas. The song, a simple one, often has brought a smile to my face when I here a young child sing it, but, still, it has always been just another song.

Let there be peace on earth
And let it begin with me.
Let there be peace on earth
The peace that was meant to be.
With God as our father
Brothers all are we.
Let me walk with my brother
In perfect harmony.

Last Tuesday, I attended the funeral of Mike Lynch. Mike died serving the peaceful community of Kirkwood. He was one of several killed on February 7th in a not-so-peaceful night at Kirkwood City Hall. Senseless, confusing, terrifying...yes, yes, yes.

As I walked into church, I was handed a program containing the hymns for the mass and memorial. I did not think much of the paper I was gripping until I was sitting anxiously for the mass to start. To distract myself from trying to converse in the somber and awkward moments before the mass started, I flipped through the 4 pages looking at the hymns. Most of the hymns, I did not know (surprising since I've spent many hours in Catholic masses singing the same hymns over and over again). The last two, I knew well: Let there be peace on Earth and On Eagle's Wings. On Eagle's Wings didn't surprise me (a funeral favorite, if there is such a thing), but Let there be peace on Earth caught me off-guard, very off-guard.

All night Monday, I was dreading having to hold my tears back during Taps at the burial, but seeing the words, "Let there be peace on Earth" Tuesday morning really choked me up. Usually at a funeral, peace in thoughts of a final resting place is assumed. This funeral, peace was not assumed at all. Peace was needed. Peace was needed in my heart, and in several hearts around me, to help us wrap our heads around what was happening around us and what happened to Mike just days earlier. Peace was needed by the community of Kirkwood...not bickering over racial issues or who to blame for this man's senseless act. Peace on Earth...Peace in Kirkwood was a need...and a simple song helped put it into all of our minds.

Never would I have thought of a more perfect song for the situation. Formerly a take it or leave it Christmas hymn, Let there be peace on Earth put a little peace into each and everyone of the attending's hearts and souls.

Let peace begin with me
Let this be the moment now.
With every step i take
Let this be my solemn vow.
To take each moment
And live each moment
With peace eternally.
Let there be peace on earth,
And let it begin with me.

Numb

Numb:

1. Deprived of the power to feel or move normally; benumbed
2. Emotionally unresponsive; indifferent

Life has lost its luster lately. Excitement is gone; what little is there, is forced. Emotions are fading. Crying, which isn't an emotion I ever really expressed until I started on the meds, is even fading. I am accomplishing more this way, but my world is becoming very isolated again.

You've got a friend in me...

You've got a friend in me.
You've got a friend in me.
When the road looks rough ahead,
And you're miles and miles from your nice warm bed.
You just remember what your old pal said.
Boy, you've got a friend in me.
Yeah, you've got a friend in me.

It is a very lonely and scary when I can't talk to my best friends. It sucks that some travel, some live in other cities, and some just have lives that are too busy to take time out for a chat. I miss them. I miss who I am with them.

You've got a friend in me.
You've got a friend in me.
If you've got troubles, and I got 'em too.
There isn't anything I wouldn't do for you.
If we stick together we can see it through,
Cause you got a friend in me.
Yeah, you got a friend in me.

Right now, some of my best friends are hundreds, if not thousands, of miles away; others are only right down the street, yet, I feel I can't talk to any of them. I am feeling very isolated I know if I reach out my friends will always be there for me.

The problem is...I don't know how to reach out when I am falling apart on the insides. I feel no one understand the amount of pain I experience on a daily basis, both physically and mentally. If I show it, I am depressing or a downer and no one will want to be around me. If I don't, I am left in the same quandary I am in now...isolation with no easy out.

Some other folks might be a little bit smarter than I am.
Bigger and stronger too.
Baby, but none of them will ever love you the way I do,
It's me and you, boy.

I know, this year especially, several of my friends have been to hell and back with their own problems, which makes it seem petty of me to think I have my own any more, but I do...and I crumble alone.

And as the years go by,
Our friendship will never die.
You gonna see it's our destiny.
You got a friend in me.
You got a friend in me.
Yeah, you got a friend in me

I selected this song to go with this post because the song always makes me happy for one; and two, it is a good reminder of the strength of friendship through thick and thin which is something we sometimes take for granted, or in my case lately, scared to take advantage of...

I am terrified at times to turn to my friends, my really, good friends. The friend who have pictures of me painted from 10 years ago...I can't live up to that girl anymore. I depress myself trying. I feel every time I turn around I am letting someone close to me down. Not on purpose, the world is out of my control.

I keep trying to go back to GAM (camp), skipping down the gravel road, linked arms, seeing each other for the first time in a year (or more), and singing this song at the top of our lungs, out of tune, without a care in the world...

Note: I started writing this on May 3rd, added a bit, and finally posted today.

~"You've got a Friend" lyrics by Randy Newton

Scars are souvenirs?

Scars are souvenirs you never lose
The past is never far
Did you lose yourself somewhere out there
Did you get to be a star
And don't it make you sad to know that life
Is more than who we are

If these scars are souvenirs, what are the vomit and the tears? the-vomit-and-the-tears. Sexy, huh? Right now, I think they are the pain the scars will constantly remind me of. I hurt. I cry. I make myself hurt to the point I am sick. Why? because I have already lost myself somewhere out there. The sad thing is I am mainly only lost in my own mind. Most that know me already think of me of a star. Ok, now you are thinking I am being corny, but trust me on the fact that I don't exactly blend in. I am a stand out whether I try or not. I think that is why the verse above always strikes me when I hear it.

Lyrics from 'Name' by the Goo Goo Dolls

just a post

Just a post, any post, so the last post, isn't my last post on my blog right now. I need a happy post to put me in a happier mood, so I don't worry about things that are not happy right now. Do I sound insane yet? I am tired. I have a lot going on at work. I need to focus on work right now. I can't change the past and I can't make things happen. LIFE. I shall live. It shall happen. I will survive.

Hmmm, didn't exactly hit the happy note, but it isn't green.

I hate pills

Everyone said the green fairy was bad for my life. I eventually agreed and gave it up. I think the PTSD cocktail is too. I wish I could give it up.

1. I hate taking pills
2. like the green fairy, it is a relationship killer (yet, in a different way)
3. if you take the below pills, or ever have, you just understand

GRrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Definitions
green fairy - my nickname for alcohol, borrowed from the nickname for Van Gogh's favorite drink, Absinthe
PTSD cocktail - my current prescribed meds for PTSD which are Paxil, Cymbalta, Topamax, Lyrica, and Toprol XL

I wish people could see the world through my eyes some days, especially lately.

Who will I be tomorrow

I can't quite put a finger on things lately. "Things" being my state of mind or how I'm feeling about life in general. I guess this status quo sort of frame of mind is good, but it, also, leaves me feeling a little numb or lost feeling. Is this who I am turning into or going to be? If so, this is boring as hell...or maybe, it is not, and I just need to settle a bit. I, just, today am starting to feel more unsure about "things".

There has been no changes in the prescriptions for awhile so I guess my lil' brain has finally found and settled in a content, drug-induced state. Good or bad, I am not sure, just in a constant which is better than all the ups and downs I had for awhile. I like rollercoasters, but everyday, every hour, of my life is a bit much to ride one. Where do I find my middle ground? My happy place?

Numb is just as exhausting as the whirlwind rollercoaster ride. I need to wake up. I've napped long enough. I feel like I'm missing something and/or someone. I'm 30. I said I was going to make it different this decade. I just need to figure out how and where to start. Suggestions are welcome.

a day of depression...

A friend of mine asked me a couple of weeks ago what it feels like when I am depressed. It is not something easily put to words, but here is what I wrote:

• a hug is needed to pull me in tight, hold me forever, and swing me side to side
  
• i can't smile because every muscle in my face feels like a dead weight
• it hurts to move my body out of the fetal position
• everything causes a tear in my eye
• a drive down the road isn't just drive down the road...i think about driving off the edge of turns or what if I get hit around this next bend, will it hurt, will I die
• if i die, who will be at my funeral
• there are so many thoughts in my head I can't concentrate on any one long enough to make sense of just one of them
  
• i wonder if there will ever be enough time, money, love to put my life back together again
• i feel bad towards my dog that i'm his owner, that he may be better off dead and maybe I should have it put down
• i could sleep forever and never feel like i ever have enough
• taking a shower seems like a major undertaking that doesn't seem possible, but not taking one makes me feel even worse and even more dirty and anxious
• i feel like i am starving but nothing sounds good even though my insides feel like they are imploding
  
• when I do decided to eat, I eat something that awful for and binge terribly on it

It may just sound like a bad day, but think of a lot of endless bad days with a lot of forced fronts and acts that you put on towards those around you so they don't see your pain (depression). Ahh, another point: You feel the need to put on an act around everyone you know well, an act of happiness and strength, even though your world is caving in.

Luckily, my bad days are far and few between lately. Hopefully, I will keep them that way. My plan is to keep them kissed away with my twenties.

The Numb

My dreams lately have been plagued by what some may call nightmares; dead people, crashes, fatal crashes all around me filling the moments my eyes drift shut. I wander through them, waiting for the end to come, for it to finally to stop happening, and to be cleared. The night before last though, I found a little girl when I was wandering. I stopped and entertained her while the accidents were all being dealt with around us. Her and I were in our own little bubble, numb to the blood and chaos surrounding us. Is this me? Am I finally becoming numb to my biggest fear?

Deep Breathes til Tomorrow

I'm on such a sick rollercoaster of emotions right now. The ones I want to be having and the ones I'm experiencing...to tell you the truth sometimes I don't know which are which anymore. Do I want to be happy, stressed, freaked out, jumping with excitement????? The stress is here, deep in my chest drowning my lungs and fighting my heart. The pressure has been gone most of the time lately, but not today. Today it lingers.

It feels like I'm sitting at the bottom of a pool. I'm holding my breath. The pressure is getting harder and harder on my chest, but I stay under unable to get the air I know I need. My heart is beating harder and harder against my breast plate to the point I can feel my pulse throughout my entire body. I can't make it go away. It won't slow down. I feel like my heart wants to escape the confines of my chest. My body is asking too much of it. I hear my heart beat in my ears as if it is being amplified by water....

Another Pain in the...

The fuzziness never leaves some mornings when I wake up. I wake up, rub my eyes, stumble to the backdoor to let Chili-dog out, never quite gaining my balance. I stand in the shower with halos floating across my eyes wondering if this sick sensation will ever just leave me alone.

The hot water of the shower just seems to encourage the halos. Sitting on the floor of the stall, shivering, wishing it would either just paralyze me so I could go back to bed or go away so I could go on with life. I hate this medium...I am aggravated, but noone knows it is bothering. No one can feel the numbness in my fingers or the halos in my eyes, I have to carry on. They can't understand, or maybe they can, maybe this is normal.

I guess I wonder if I'm broken and how I need to be fixed. I don't feel right. I don't feel like living like this. I just want to be alone. The numbness starts to strangle me. I feel like I have a large fist around my neck clamping tight constricting my air flow. Then, suddenly, all the numbness disappears, but is replaced by a sharp pain in my head. The migraine. My foe. It has been awhile, but he attacks with avengence again.

This is my birthday week. I just want to be happy, but the world and work is determined to plot against me every way possible :(( =(

Bummed

Sometimes I can't be the accomodating one...I'm always the accomodating one.

I worked until 7pm last night. I add that up to about 30 hours too many. I know this is not the fault of my friends, but my plans were set over a month ago. I suggested they join me and the others the minute they mentioned we get together tonight, but no, not good enough.

One couple is in town with a big announcement from San Diego; the other is recently engaged, in St. Louis. Both couples include two of my best friends from high school. It is tough to the point of tears for me not just agreeing to just blow off my other plans and meet the four of them...and catch up with the others as I have time, but I am tired and frustrated. I am sure the four of them think I am unreasonable because I am single and just a lonely singleton who won't just agree to their plans...but I just can't do it any more. I really think I might crack with any additional stress this week.

The week has been really long and I cannot handle any changes right now. I just want to stick with the plan in my head and go with it. I am really tired. I know the drive to Westport. I know the restaurant/bar, Trainwreck, well, so all the comfort zones are there. If I go somewhere new, I won't be at ease and my night will be pretty much spent with me feeling tight as rubber bands because I am some place new and unfamiliar. As it is, I am not sure how I will do with the group as a whole anyways. Becky is ok, because it is Becky and I see her and talk to her all the time. The others don't sit in my everyday zone, so I don't know how at ease or not I will be with them all. It is hard to say and think that someone I am so close to can seem so distant to me at times, but that is Social Anxiety disorder for you, compliments of PTSD. I want to say it is better, but every time I do I get put back into a situation like last Friday where I feel super out of place and just want to leave. Hmmm. The devils. As it is, I won't be able to eat tonight wherever I go, so I, at least, want to go somewhere where I won't feel like should be chewing Zantac instead of bubblegum. I just wish they could understand, but then, again, I don't wish these constant feelings on anyone. I may seem fine, but I'M A FREAK and a overall happy one at that if I get my way tonight. Therefore, I am going to the Trainwreck and not drinking a drop and singing my out-of-tune butt off to Loud Mouth Soup.....And if that doesn't make you cover your ears and die laughing, nothing will. I'll be the one with droopy tired eyes, molesting the guys on stage because I can, not because I want to or they want me to. Have a great evening. Cheers.

Can I curl up and cry now?

Today was tough and in 10 minutes I can finally put it all behind me and start anew. The bad part is...I am still sitting at work. I am taking a quick break with a cup of hot tea to warm up. Burrrrr, it is cold here.

I didn't sleep last night due to migraine. I should've just gave in and drove myself to the hospital, but I always think if I can just wait it out just a little bit longer I will fall asleep and sleep it off. Nope. Nada.

Fast forward to noonish...I sit down at my desk. The owner of my company asks if I have time to talk, of course, I do. Let me just say the talk was not a good one, it was one of those where I wonder if I will have a job next week. The talk, also, caused the throbbing in my head to grow. If I could only go home and disappear. I felt so alone and isolated today. I couldn't talk to anyone about how awful I was feeling for fear I would break down in tears, nor was work really the place to talk about work. I've only been out of here for an hour since 12:30 today, not good.

Alex's day was about the same, which makes me wonder what the moon looks like outside tonight. Hmmm? By the time I hung up the phone with Alex though, I did have a smile on my face, so kudos to Alex. Also, a gold star to Dr. DD for making me leave with a smile as usual too. I needed the extra pats on the back today.

I, also, need to apologize to Jason "you let me shave your head" Jason. Happy Birthday! and I'm sorry I missed your party tonight.

Happy Birthday Jason!
You may look like Uncle Fester
But you always take care of my car like a wise old Yoda
Happy Birthday, Baldy!
I owe you a few!!!!!!

...and everything changes

I have survived over a month without my covenanted green fairy (alcohol for the newbies). I've been doing great and feeling great about it. If there will ever be a challenge of my will tonight will be it. My cousin, Jager, has been calling my name all day.

In my head, I think of the people who keep congratulating me on quitting and who keep hugging me telling me how proud they are. Then, I think about how much easier the things going through my head would be to take with a little relaxing help from cousin Jager or uncle Tequila. Answers there are, ask Yoda!

This week has been so challenging and today just made it even worse. The results being exactly as I expected and had been preparing myself for all week. The depression side of things has made an ugly appearance again. The lonely feeling that no one will ever be able to fill, the deep dark hole. The pit in my stomach is making it hard to eat and drink. The dark hole/pit just consumes every moment making me feel so alone, which I am. I am.

I can't wait until my trip next weekend to KC. A whole weekend road trip with the guys to go see Emily, Rev. Joe and Tracy. A weekend surrounded 24/7 by friends, no escaping, no cancelling (they will carry me out kicking and screaming if they need to). It is good to have friends. I need to go see Geoff-geoff too. He just needs to send a ticket so I can't cancel on him either (hint, hint, Geoff, Marc/Lynne/Mike, etc).

Back to the title, I feel today is the official beginning of a some changes in some of my friendships. I hope I'm wrong, but only time will tell.

....sad, so sad. It was bad, so bad. It was sad when the great ship went down.

It's back

The pain that someone you love just hurt you deeply. A best friend abandoned you. You ran over the cute little gray bunny. They died and left you behind. She is know longer there for you when you need her most. The pain that you just can't do it all on your own. The overwhelming pain. The one that reminds you that you are alone. You are in charge of you...and your house, and your dog, and your car, and going to work, and, and, and....

Setbacks. Reminders. I'm not fixed yet. I can't do it alone.

Setbacks? or fears?

I get so close. Yet, when I do really well, I get scared that people think I am cured. They think I don't need any help or support or concern. I start to feel abandoned and alone. Fear.

The overwhelming out-of-place sensation at work is encouraging the above, I think...maybe. Work the last 3 weeks has definitely put me on edge. I need to climb back on my rock and gain a little ground.

My evils: It is hard to say if PTSD is feeding the edginess at work right now or vice-versa, but either way both are shredding my insides. I just want to sleep. I've resorted back to little blue pill called Lunesta.

Woke up on the wrong side of the bed

Err, couch (since I haven't slept in a bed since only who knows when).

I think I should have just stayed in bed this morning. When I showered (the place where I do way too much thinking), I started over thinking yesterday's events. Yesterday was not the best of days, but ended ok with a little meditating and spoil me shopping (more on that later tonight when I unpack the bags from the backseat of my car and see how much damage I really did to my bank account). Work still has me edgy. I have a lot of work with several quick commitment dates which I don't think can be pushed back despite the world falling apart in the server room (typical for the IT world). The project management team has, also, become extremely needy this week because it is a patch week. Anytime it is patch week, they push all their customer stuff that I can handle back on me, because they are overwhelmed with documentation. Normally, I don't mind picking up the slack, but now I have a boss man (besides the owner who likes that I cover their backs). This new world isn't working well for me, at the moment. I'm not sure if it is a matter of adjustment or just not a good fit. The lack of sleep is just making the entire situation worse. I really just need a mental health day curled up in a ball where no one can find me (not even the ones I want to find me).........................

Actually, I don't think it is just work. I think it just everything, everyone; work just happened to kick it all off. I would like to go in the woods where no one can find me, hike up a bluff, feel the cool fall air against my face, the warmth of the sun warm my body, and just find a quiet place to sit and watch the world go on without me.

I haven't had any days like this for awhile, but I am just really edgy. I just don't feel like me. I still have a lot in my head I haven't been able to put to paper or to blog. Usually music helps me unclog my head when I get blocked, but I've had my iPod glued to me and it isn't helping me expell the needed mess. I keep looking over at my picture of Yoda telling me "Answers there are". "Where?" I ask. "Where?" I'm about ready to wipe that silly smirk off his face too, but I can't (I wear the same smirk almost daily). Maybe he is where I got it from....the childhood screening of Star Wars in the theater. I remember seeing two movies in the theater, Star Wars and Care Bears, when I was little. Answers there are seems to have taken me farther in life than the Care Bear stare, no offense to the Care Bears. One thing for the Care Bears though, everything ended perfectly. I think I could use one of those Care Bear hugs and endings right now. Anything...I just want to put my mind at ease from the chaos.

Midday iPod-itation

Well, when I just logged in I realised blogger ate one of my posts from last night. Hopefully, it is still on my laptop screen at home (keep your fingers crossed). Last night was a tough evening on me and I had a bit to say/share.

On to today... My afternoons are spent either glued to my desk working on numerous projects/servers/clients or in the server with my friendly iPod keeping me entertained with a wide variety of music. Last week, when I was updating my iPod with the latest and greatest I could find to download, I found some guided Zen meditations and, also, some meditation music. PERFECT, I thought. My doctor has been reminding me to meditate to help with my anxiety and other PTSD related conditions/issues. I really want to , but I have a hard time separating my lazy self from the couch to sit down and actually meditate. When I do find the time though, I feel very alert and rejuvenated. I really need to meditate more often.

Well, this morning I went to my normal tuesday appointment. The doctor and I were discussing my new meditations and how I was excited to find something to download and carry with me on my iPod everywhere I go. And not only that, I actually had used the new meditations a couple times, a small start, but a start.

I may have an iPod and I may use it daily, but I'm not a freak who sets up playlists nonstop. In fact, I don't have any playlist. I just hit shuffle everytime I turn it on. Therefore this afternoon when I hit shuffle and was sitting here doing the most monotonous work and a meditation came on, I started to hit skip. Then, I looked at the time....6 mins. I could take 6 mins out of my work day to meditate; and so I did. The meditation was perfect. A meditation on the heart. I had a very frustration night last night and was carrying around a lot of resentment. This meditation was about making choices and letting go of the resentment and the bad stuff we have piling up inside and making those middle choices in life. Perfect. I couldn't think of a better way to spend 6 mins and clear my mind and my resentment toward the person causing me the most pain at the moment. Random meditations in my playlist, who would've ever known. And to think of all the laughs I had about it earlier today at therapy. The doc is going to have fun with this on Thursday.

What do you mean, "How am I going to party?"

My 30th birthday is one month from today; and approximately one month ago I quit drinking. At first, I was very confused and uneasy. Alcohol helped me deal with people and anxiety. It helped bring out the old me everyone expected. The problem was alcohol, also, helped me lose sight of the post accident Sheila, the girl who is still figuring out who she is now.

Anyways, back to my birthday...my friends and I were out to dinner earlier this week and someone asked, "How are you going to party?" to my statement of "I'm not going to drink at my birthday party either. I QUIT drinking, which means I don't take a time-out and drink on my birthday."

I let the question go at the time, but when I got home I couldn't let the question go. How was I going to party at my birthday? What fun is it going to be if I don't drink? No shots? Uh? I had a lot to figure out in the next few weeks. Can I have fun without drinking? Is there a substitute? Should I take a break for just one night? Do I want that depressed hell the next day? I am 30 only once afterall.....hmmmm.

Touched by Two Warmths

One point after all came to rest I realized that my hand was wet and pressed against my soaking wet warm abdomen. My breathing was very defined, my hands trembled, my mind was trying to take in all that was going on around me and decipher the wet hand. The one thing my mind did know was it didn't want to look downwards. I kept looking forward and at the boys apologizing to me. They kept saying, "I'm soo sorry, I'm sooo sorry." And I in return said, "It's OK, just calm down." Yet, I couldn't get a normal breath. I still did not look around. I did not turn my head. I didn't realize Chris was unconscious. I didn't know what the warm dampness in my lap and on my hand was. For those brief seconds. I was just lost in it all. Trying to catch up to the time passing before me and slowly gaze downward into my hand and realize I was not bleeding the wet warmth in my lap and on my hand was not red. What was it? I glanced around and saw an upside-down can of Sprite...just Sprite. I let a breath out. I must have been holding my breath. I finally realize Chris was not responsive "Chris, baby, Chris." Oh no, oh my God, NOOOOO, NOOOOOOOOOO! His eyes were rolled back in his head. He was leaned in toward me. Blood was flowing down the farside of his face into and out of his ear. OUT OF HIS EAR. GOD, Please don't let him be dead. GOD GOD GOD. "Chris, baby, CHRIS, WAKE UP." "GO GET HELP, CALL 911! HE's NOT CONSCIOUS" "CHRIS, IT's SHEILA. It's Sheila".....................

The paramedics lifted up the stretcher and started wheeling me down the hill past the crowd of strangers. I could feel every bump and rock on the road. My head was pulsating so bad. Why did they tape my head down so tight. I just wanted to cry. I was so confused. I wanted my shoes off. My hands and arms had a strange numb tingly feeling. All these people are staring at me, wondering what caused our accident that closed the road for so long down...probably wondering how bad our injuries were. Then, suddenly, I heard her. She was crying, but, at least, it was someone I knew. It was Sharon, my soon to be mother-in-law. I didn't want her to cry. I didn't want to upset her. Chris and I would be OK. We would. She didn't need to get upset. Someone needed to tell her we were alright. Why was she crying? Chris was talking now (not sensible, but talking). Where is she? I hear her. Next, I saw Cheri, a friend's wife, holding someone. It was Sharon. Sharon reached out and grabbed my toe. She was shaking and bawling. I started crying again too. Gasping for air, I watched her do the same. Finally, she spoke, "Sheila-baby, I love you. You know that, right. I love you." Warmth filled my body. I was going to be her daughter-in-law next year and she just told me she loved me for the first time. It was going to be OK. She knew it too.

I have a lot to say

I just don't know how to say it right now.

Sept 11th - Sept 12th (reason for my PTSD)
Overworking - Undersleeping - Avoidance
Lack of Me time
which equals lack of brain to hand translation
an 8 yr post accident blog is now overdue
and stuck in my head
life is also stuck til I relieve myself of it

the bright-side, i called someone to tell them how their words at the scene of the accident have comforted me everyday for 8 years now. simple but life saving. i'm glad she knows. i'll stop now before this tear pops out. hopefully, what i really need to blog about will find an escape from my tortured brain and share itself with you.