Something true is never lost

I'm still flying high from one of the best weekends of my life. I think I could write an entire book about 24 hrs of my life. It was simply amazing how it has affected me and how great I feel. I don't think anything could take this sense of self and happiness away from me.

Friday night, the whirl wind weekend began. I went up to The Phoenix, a local bar, where my friends' band, The Real Me, was playing and my outlaw (ex-MIL), Sharon, was celebrating her birthday. All my ex-in-laws and associated friends were there dancing and having a great time. It was great to see so many faces from the past. And, of course, Chris and Lisa were there. Tonight was different though. Instead of Lisa and I dancing the night away like we always do and Chris occassionally joining in. It was Chris and I dancing...kinda like old times. A nice remembrance for my 30th birthday weekend. I didn't speak. I listened. He told it would be ok. I have made it this far on my own. Thirty would be better...and he is still there for me. He said it may not seem like it sometimes, but he is still one of my best friends. He is not going anywhere. He still loves me and will take care of me. I am safe. In my place in life, even from my ex-husband, that is all I need to hear....from him, the most sometimes, it is exactly what I need to hear. Letting go of Chris was/is hard for me. He was the person who new me best, who still knows me best. He knows my weaknesses. He knows the real me.

We both know we were not meant to be married to each other, but friendship is a definite. Neither one of us would be who we are without the other. Ten years is hard to replace. Ten years together can never be replaced, nor do I ever want it to be. I smile knowing he doesn't either. I can't ever replace my first love, or one of my best friends.

Isn't that right, Chris!



PS. Not only did I keep Chris in my life, he has found and given me a great friend in his girlfriend, Lisa. I may sound like a broken record but she is one of the most caring and fun people I have every met. She is just as important in my life now as Chris is (more so sometimes)...gotta stand by that girl-power. Love you, Lisa!

Written 10/18/2006

It's a small world after all

I had a long talk last night with a friend of mine, who like myself is going through (to coin our president) the shock and awe phase of divorce. It's a time when you realize how great things are now and that not everything is like our lives pre-divorce. It is one of those times where you really start to discover who you are as a solo and that things do not have to be the same with any possible future duet.

The great thing about this friend is how much he makes me smile (like my old self smiling all the time). He truly is interested in my life and vice-versa. Even though our marriages (and divorces) were very different, there is still an overwhelming amount of parallel ground between us.

He is, also, one of the first people to really want to understand what I am going through with the PTSD. He questioned about why I keep things in and what sort of things I keep tucked away deep inside. He just wanted to know the deeper me...and as scary as it was to skim some of those details, he made me feel at ease with it all...and the details didn't scare him.

His smile is warming and contagious. His concern is so deep and genuine and extremely comforting. I am not sure if it is because we are really getting to know each other or not, but I just have so much to talk to him about, so many similar stories, so much fascination with each other. It is great and rare to have someone that "gets it" and for that I'm feeling very blessed today.

A little help from my friends

...What would you think if I sang out of tune
Would you stand up and walk out on me...

Some people find my life fascinating, not because of things I've done or accomplished but because of how my life is post-divorce. I am, evidently, one of those strange people who have remained friends with my ex-husband. We are not tolerating each other because we have joint custody of kids...We never had kids, nor tried. We are not the type of friends who cross paths andl say hi to each other. Chris and I are really great friends. Not only am I great friends with him, but I am becoming great friends with (stop the presses) his girlfriend, Lisa.

Lisa is one of these unbelievably nice people that sees the best in everyone. Like myself, she is very open-minded and rather be friends with someone than not have any relationship with them at all. She is open-minded and just as comfortable with me, as I am with her. She even hangs out with me without Chris around. I definitely consider her MY friend, not just Chris' girlfriend.

...I get by with a little help from my friends
I get high with a little help from my friends
Going to try with a little help from my friends...
Chris and Lisa really have been a huge support system for me. For example, I had a bad weekend and the two of them happened to stop in to drop some of my things off. Instead of dropping and running, they came in to have a drink and to catch up a bit. Not only were helping me talk thru emotional ups and downs that I have been dealing with, Chris fixed my garbage disposal and took out my trash. Damn, I wish he was this helpful when we were married (just kidding, Chris). Sitting there talking with them is no different than chatting with my other close friends. I really have seperated myself from my life as one with Chris and vice-versa. We both look at the now and rarely look back or dwell on the past. We started off as friends and friends is how we shall end.

...What do I do when my love is away
(Does it worry you to be alone)
How do I feel by the end of the day
(Are you sad because you're on your own)

No I get by with a little help from my friends
Do you need anybody...
I am not sure I could get by everything life is throwing at me right now without Chris. He is the only one that was in the car when I was hit, even though he was not conscious. He is the only person that really knew how bad my ups and downs were following the accident and how much the accident took away my identity. He and I went through a rollercoaster of hell, but came out of it with smiles on our faces knowing both our lives will be ok. We are still here to support each other, just with different rules to this new game of life.

...I get by with a little help from my friends
Yes I get by with a little help from my friends
With a little help from my friends

~Lyrics: A little help from my friends by Lennon/McCartney~

You can pick your friends, but you can't...

This weekend I have family in from out of town. Evidently, there was a planned family dinner for last night, but noone bothered to inform me until an hour beforehand so i skipped it. Instead, I indulged myself in several margaritas and got drunk. I think I was trying to wash away the guilt of not going or maybe numb the awkward feeling of showing up late. The margaritas failed me this time. Even at the bar I felt awkward about sitting there, a very out of place feeling, never "a part" of things like I normally do when visiting this particular Mexican establishment.

To add to my downward spiral with my family...today I blew off my cousin, Marc's, 40th birthday BBQ. I, also, blew off the last chance to see and visit my Uncle Dave, who was in town. I don't think I've seen him for a year or two now. Once again guilt, but no matter how much guilt, I cannot get myself to leave the couch or clean myself up. I feel like a dead weight. I wanted to go, but this palpatating weight holds me here in my prison, my safe haven.

I fear what people might ask or say. I don't want someone to comment because I came alone when I told them ahead of time that Mike would be joining me. I don't want to answer questions about my job, it makes me feel lifeless and pointless. I have a super successful sister, a brother with beautiful kids, and another brother who is just starting to embrace adulthood...but i have nothing but myself. I can't handle the family focusing on me, when I don't even know who I am or where I stand right now. I don't have a diversion to talk about. I live alone. My job is less than thrilling. I can brag on Mike, but he won't be there to back it. I feel pathetic.

This evening, Chris and Lisa stopped by and lifted me up a bit...I have a comfort zone with them. Chris' from history. Lisa because there is something soft, always comforting and understanding about her. They helped me fix a few problems around the house. Overall, the two of them just made me feel good and know that even though Chris is the man i divorced, the two of them are a force still there for me...for compassion, understanding and to get me through life some way or another. I'm glad Lisa doesn't want Chris and I to erase our past. She embraces it knowing it made Chris who he is. He is still my key, the one person that even somewhat understands how I got here, lost in space. He holds the past as he stood there and watched me live my hell, and now no longer holds it against me.

Life handed Chris and I lemons, and we asked for tequila and salt. Cheers.