Numb:Life has lost its luster lately. Excitement is gone; what little is there, is forced. Emotions are fading. Crying, which isn't an emotion I ever really expressed until I started on the meds, is even fading. I am accomplishing more this way, but my world is becoming very isolated again.
- Deprived of the power to feel or move normally; benumbed
- Emotionally unresponsive; indifferent
A decompression stop is a period of time a diver must spend at a constant depth in shallow water at the end of a dive to safely eliminate absorbed inert gases from the diver's body to avoid decompression sickness
6:30 pm and I'm already curled up for bed. I'm out of breath. There is so much I want to accomplish, so many decisions to be made, but I sit here curled up in the pillows ready to close my eyes for the night. I did this last night too. I know the doctor says my body may need it right now, but I'm not sure if I need 12 hrs of bedtime right now, or if this is my excuse to hide from the world and put things off "'til tomorrow" again.
I was warned about surgery causing me to flop. I was worried about the 'high' from the flood at work eventually stopping and letting me down...hard. I just didn't expect the two of them along with other factors in life to all sink at once. I guess that is life for me. Both of my doctors keep telling me to slow down my body needs time to heal. I've slowed as much as I know how to, but I still feel like a slug dragging dead weights. I am making things up as I go now, not even things that necessarily make sense. I would say that is definitely my brain saying it is tired. let me rest, slow down, and let me rest.
Pushing myself to work and sleep and work and sleep, I can easily avoid other facets of life. My relationships with my family and friends are suffering most, but the relationships with those who have known me the longest are the ones that are the toughest for me to deal with. They wear me down more than working myself to point where I end up sleeping under my desk. Why is it that I struggle most with ones who have been there to support and love me the longest? Life, it is just downright scary. I have been rambling for about 15 mins now. I don't think I'm going to look back. I'm scared to. My brain is scattered. My heart is struggling. My physical body hurts. My stomach is hungry. My lungs are tight like weights are holding me down...and the one thing that I think would make me feel better is someone holding me telling me it will be ok as I close my eyes and fade to sleep (while its still daylight out).
Good night.
Just a post, any post, so the last post, isn't my last post on my blog right now. I need a happy post to put me in a happier mood, so I don't worry about things that are not happy right now. Do I sound insane yet? I am tired. I have a lot going on at work. I need to focus on work right now. I can't change the past and I can't make things happen. LIFE. I shall live. It shall happen. I will survive.
Hmmm, didn't exactly hit the happy note, but it isn't green.
Yes, I guess after 10 days I would be in demand. You haven't missed much....just my life ;-p
I will give you a brief run down of the exciting and not so exciting 10 days that I have been absent from writing. To be honest, I have been OK, a little lost in life, but okay.
Well, the evening I last wrote I went to a party in a loft downtown on Washington. The party was to celebrate the end of the season for St. Louis' own Aussie rules Football team, the St. Louis Blues. What? You didn't know St. Louis had an Aussie rules Footy team? Well you better come check them out next season. Better yet, I suggest you sponsor them too!!! Tell them Sheila sent you! It is a great fast moving sport to watch. If you love American football, you'll love this fast paced, hard hitting game. Look, Ma, no pads!
While I was partying with the boys and Aussie girls, some jerks thought it would be a good idea to shred my driver's side door and break into my car. Then, they ransacked the inside, not leaving a single nook and cranny unturned including the trunk. The undesirables did not really take much of value from the inside of car, the value they took was all from the car itself. I now have to crawl across my passenger's seat to get in and out of my car. I can tell you this is not fun when you have a wrap around dash. Priority one this week will be to get my car repaired as soon as possible.
Saturday was "nephew night". I think I will give the boys their own post.
Sunday was another disappointing loss for the Rams to the Chiefs. Can I say that it really sucks when you see that much red in the seats at a home game! I can't believe so many home-towners sold out like that and let the "folk" (that is the only nice word I could think of) from KC take over OUR dome. I would like to say though. The 50 or so regular PSL holders since 95 in my section were all present and accounted for and stayed til the very last second of the game cheering and jeering and wondering how the hell we are going to whip our Rams into shape!
Monday - Arrived at work at 8:45am. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 10:45am still at work . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 12:30pm still at work . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 3:30pm still at work . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 7:55pm still at work . . . . . . . . . . . 10:25pm still at work . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 12:35am still at work . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .3:10am still at work . . . . . . . . . . . . . 5:40am still at work . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Tuesday - Still at work at 8:45am but headed home to sleep
Wednesday - Just another day I survived
Thursday - Sleep =))
Friday - =)) Sleep ..... Then, I went to the airport to find out all flights to Chicago have been cancelled, just my luck. My one big trip to visit my friend, Geoff-geoff, and see Cowboy Mouth at House of Blues gets screwed up. No flights rescheduled til Saturday night. Bummer
Saturday - =)) Regrouped =))
Sunday - Went to my sister's Home and Garden Party - spent more $$, but bought lots of cute things. Oh, more stuff to fill my already overstuffed place. I need a decorator. If you are one, please volunteer to make sense of all my cute things I keep addictively over buying.
Monday - Now - just more time I have survived with a smile on my face and a kick-step in my walk.
For those who were worried about my absense, I apologize.
What was I thinking when I agreed to keep my nephews (ages 2 and 4 years of age) overnight this coming Saturday? I love the boys to death (in short quantities and when they are sleeping), but alone in my house with responsibility for 18 or more hours? Sounds scary to me.
I'm not worried about my house. The house is fairly child-proof. My sanity, however, is not. The good point here is I have only seen the boys lately in large groups of family not one-on-one, at all. Hopefully, the angelic darlings, who think Auntie Evil is there favorite, will be the ones who come home with me on Saturday. If not, please send in support. I don't drink anymore and will need some sort of back-up and my parent are out for the night. :((
I haven't watched the boys together, ever. I watched Trent quite a bit before Gabe was born and never again since. Hmmm. I'm not even sure Gabe likes Auntie Evil except when big brother is trying to butter her up for something good. This should be an interesting night.
What was the dog in Peter Pan? Nana? I'm not sure Chili-dog can live up to Nana status but I may put him up to the test this weekend.
A new age has begun...and I have not been happier in a long time. I know I haven't had much to say lately but with my new age, I have turned over a new mood...HAPPINESS. Watch out, World, here is a smile you were not ready for. Despite some things in life that may not be going my way at the moment, I am feeling pretty invincible. Twenty-nine dealt me a rough hand and I'm not going to let thirty do the same. This decade I will be in control.
Look for more writing. I have a lot to say. I even think I might start sharing a pic here and there for the strangers in the dark to get to know me a bit. One step at a time though, can't do it all at once.
And to my new friend, Erin, hang in there. I've had a busy weekend, but I'm still here for you ;)
OK, I'm going to try and forget yesterday existed. I'm up early (for me). I'm thinking happy thoughts. 5 days until the big 3-0. Yippee. The girls and I are going to go fru-fru it up before the big bash at the oh-so classy biker bar! There are daisies on my desk at work. Today will be a good day....I hope.
PS. Does anyone else out there use Charter internet? Do you get booted constantly at night in the wee hours? Does Charter not understand that not everyone uses the internet during the day??? This crap is getting on my nerves...oops...HAPPY THOUGHTS
I have been so balled up and worried about how others and their actions towards me are affecting my life that I haven't paid as much attention to taking control of my life. I need to put an end to people forcing life upon me. I am not weak. I should not let them intimidate me or make me weak. I don't think this is the entire problem, but a place to start evaluating and correcting.
This weekend was rough. I spent a lot of time alone and curled up on the couch sleeping. Life has me very drained again. Work is the number one break in life. Add to that a few changes in the personal life equals Sheila not sleeping well. I can't keep surviving this way. I have a permanent persisting headache today. I know it is stress, just pounding away telling me to just go home and sleep. The other crap will still be there when I wake up in a few days, mental health needs to come first...too bad the bossman wouldn't understand. I wish I could work as many days straight as I wanted to and just take weekends when I needed them and then a few more days a time. Ahhh, if only I ran the world.
Ok...off to do something like lay on the couch and vege now.
Sheila Effan's blog, please leave a message at the beep.
BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEPPPPP!
I just wanted to say a big thank you to Mary Leonard on a terrific job on her article yesterday in the St. Louis Post Dispatch. Everyone should take a few minutes out today and read it. Here is a link, and, of course, it features a bit about me and my blog, so please check it out. Mary was a delight to talk to and I hope to hear from her again, even if it is not for an article. She really is a fascinating person to speak with. Thanks again, Mary, and best of luck.
Well, when I just logged in I realised blogger ate one of my posts from last night. Hopefully, it is still on my laptop screen at home (keep your fingers crossed). Last night was a tough evening on me and I had a bit to say/share.
On to today... My afternoons are spent either glued to my desk working on numerous projects/servers/clients or in the server with my friendly iPod keeping me entertained with a wide variety of music. Last week, when I was updating my iPod with the latest and greatest I could find to download, I found some guided Zen meditations and, also, some meditation music. PERFECT, I thought. My doctor has been reminding me to meditate to help with my anxiety and other PTSD related conditions/issues. I really want to , but I have a hard time separating my lazy self from the couch to sit down and actually meditate. When I do find the time though, I feel very alert and rejuvenated. I really need to meditate more often.
Well, this morning I went to my normal tuesday appointment. The doctor and I were discussing my new meditations and how I was excited to find something to download and carry with me on my iPod everywhere I go. And not only that, I actually had used the new meditations a couple times, a small start, but a start.
I may have an iPod and I may use it daily, but I'm not a freak who sets up playlists nonstop. In fact, I don't have any playlist. I just hit shuffle everytime I turn it on. Therefore this afternoon when I hit shuffle and was sitting here doing the most monotonous work and a meditation came on, I started to hit skip. Then, I looked at the time....6 mins. I could take 6 mins out of my work day to meditate; and so I did. The meditation was perfect. A meditation on the heart. I had a very frustration night last night and was carrying around a lot of resentment. This meditation was about making choices and letting go of the resentment and the bad stuff we have piling up inside and making those middle choices in life. Perfect. I couldn't think of a better way to spend 6 mins and clear my mind and my resentment toward the person causing me the most pain at the moment. Random meditations in my playlist, who would've ever known. And to think of all the laughs I had about it earlier today at therapy. The doc is going to have fun with this on Thursday.
if blogs can be pretty...in a turtle-like way.
I have been blogging for about 3 months now and thought it was time to be a bit adventurous and try to get away from the boring green and white and add a little color to go with my turtle shell like title. If the colors scare you, speak now. If the colors are burning your eyes out, look away!!!! If you don't, plan to be tortured until I am bored enough to care about colors or you have no eyes left (whichever comes first). Blogging is for writing, not for the mirror, mirror, on the wall, I'm the fru-fru-est pretty blog of them all crap.
My goal here was to write something of sustenance tonight but, hmmm, that did not happen. I have a lot to write and share. My head is on overload. I've had a very screwed up sleep schedule the last 7-10 days and my blogging has been just as bad. I hope to improve both this weekend before the clutter in my brain causes my hippocampus to start getting mushy again. Me and my hippo....can't ever get ahead, Damn.
Sweet dreams (of me) for now.
One point after all came to rest I realized that my hand was wet and pressed against my soaking wet warm abdomen. My breathing was very defined, my hands trembled, my mind was trying to take in all that was going on around me and decipher the wet hand. The one thing my mind did know was it didn't want to look downwards. I kept looking forward and at the boys apologizing to me. They kept saying, "I'm soo sorry, I'm sooo sorry." And I in return said, "It's OK, just calm down." Yet, I couldn't get a normal breath. I still did not look around. I did not turn my head. I didn't realize Chris was unconscious. I didn't know what the warm dampness in my lap and on my hand was. For those brief seconds. I was just lost in it all. Trying to catch up to the time passing before me and slowly gaze downward into my hand and realize I was not bleeding the wet warmth in my lap and on my hand was not red. What was it? I glanced around and saw an upside-down can of Sprite...just Sprite. I let a breath out. I must have been holding my breath. I finally realize Chris was not responsive "Chris, baby, Chris." Oh no, oh my God, NOOOOO, NOOOOOOOOOO! His eyes were rolled back in his head. He was leaned in toward me. Blood was flowing down the farside of his face into and out of his ear. OUT OF HIS EAR. GOD, Please don't let him be dead. GOD GOD GOD. "Chris, baby, CHRIS, WAKE UP." "GO GET HELP, CALL 911! HE's NOT CONSCIOUS" "CHRIS, IT's SHEILA. It's Sheila".....................
The paramedics lifted up the stretcher and started wheeling me down the hill past the crowd of strangers. I could feel every bump and rock on the road. My head was pulsating so bad. Why did they tape my head down so tight. I just wanted to cry. I was so confused. I wanted my shoes off. My hands and arms had a strange numb tingly feeling. All these people are staring at me, wondering what caused our accident that closed the road for so long down...probably wondering how bad our injuries were. Then, suddenly, I heard her. She was crying, but, at least, it was someone I knew. It was Sharon, my soon to be mother-in-law. I didn't want her to cry. I didn't want to upset her. Chris and I would be OK. We would. She didn't need to get upset. Someone needed to tell her we were alright. Why was she crying? Chris was talking now (not sensible, but talking). Where is she? I hear her. Next, I saw Cheri, a friend's wife, holding someone. It was Sharon. Sharon reached out and grabbed my toe. She was shaking and bawling. I started crying again too. Gasping for air, I watched her do the same. Finally, she spoke, "Sheila-baby, I love you. You know that, right. I love you." Warmth filled my body. I was going to be her daughter-in-law next year and she just told me she loved me for the first time. It was going to be OK. She knew it too.
I just don't know how to say it right now.
Sept 11th - Sept 12th (reason for my PTSD)
Overworking - Undersleeping - Avoidance
Lack of Me time
which equals lack of brain to hand translation
an 8 yr post accident blog is now overdue
and stuck in my head
life is also stuck til I relieve myself of it
the bright-side, i called someone to tell them how their words at the scene of the accident have comforted me everyday for 8 years now. simple but life saving. i'm glad she knows. i'll stop now before this tear pops out. hopefully, what i really need to blog about will find an escape from my tortured brain and share itself with you.
*Stepping up on my soap box*
Ladies and gentlemen, smartie pants nephews, and any one else who might come across this....
If someone suggests or tells you to do something, the person acting in authority is doing so usually in your best interest, SO LISTEN TO THEM NOW.
When a doctor prescribes a bunch of drugs, take the damn things even if you hate taking pills. For instance, I hate taking pills and sometimes I may not think the little devils are doing a damn thing anymore (but usually I am wrong (I know, can you believe it, me? wrong?) and I don't realize it until I miss a dose accidently). Right now I am taking what seems like a million pills every day for my PTSD and resulting conditions (Cymbalta, Lexapro, Toprol XL, Lyrica, Topamax, Disulfiram, Ovcon and occassionally Lunesta and Allegra) This little life saving cocktail is helping me improve my life everyday. I have never felt this good in the last 8 years, so guess what? The doctor knows better than I do when he said take a handful of damn little throat chokers several times a day (maybe not exactly in those words, but you get the point =)).
Or maybe when Mom tells you not to touch the car keys and to stop jumping around in the car, she means it. She doesn't really mean for you to nab the keys and put them in the ignition...And maybe turn the said keys in the ignition and put the van in reverse, promptly backing it into a tree while Mom is trying to strap 2 toddlers into the back seat. Hmmm, wrecking Mom's van when you are 4 does not bode well for future driving lessons (in 10 years or more). Trent, buddy, I say don't go anywhere near car keys for a very long time. I love you to death but wrecking mommy's car is not the way to become a big boy. You need to be good so Gabe can learn to be like you (except the smart mouth and wrecking cars part).
I'm sure there are a lot more examples to learn from out there right now but give people a chance, don't be so full of yourself all the time. People are trying to help you not have to make mistakes. They usually have already made the mistakes and want you to learn from them so you don't have to suffer to. OPEN YOUR EARS and your hearts. You'll be glad you did in the end. It is worth millions. Not everyone is right, but then again neither are you. Take a chance, listen to a friend, a teacher, doctor, co-worker, parent, sibling, or even a stranger, it is amazing what you can learn when you listen to another.
I've started about 6 posts over the last week that I have not posted for one reason or another. Some posts are left drafts because I am not ready for the world to view and others are to protect feelings (mine or other people's), one thing I said I wouldn't do with this blog. I started this anonymously to get things out of my head. I think I will continue in this direction, just not so anonymous anymore.
As therapy for PTSD, I started writing in a journal. This is great and all, but for a girl who is always on a computer everywhere she goes, I found blogging a better outlet for the noise in my head. For one, I'm always connected to the internet and, two, it just doesn't seem practical for a tech-girl like me to carry a big purse to fit a journal. I do not want to be viewed as a girly-girl afterall. (Hmm, I should really rethink that statement because I use it often while wearing heels and long hair everywhere I go.) Let's rephrase that, I do not want to be viewed as a high maintenance fru-fru girl who is always fussing about clothes, makeup, etc.
As my blog started to take on a little life and represent me. I started emailing my blog to different people in my life to test the waters and see if I would scare them away or where my thoughts would take others. I was very cautious and slow with sharing with one trusted group at a time....
I am starting to believe some of the people "closest to me" either are scared to comment, do not know what to say, scared to read it....or blatantly just haven't taken the time.
In the end, I guess, I know this is for me and my health. I have actually enjoyed the peace blogging brings to me.
Pleasure sometimes is a rare thing for me. For years, many things in life have been a forced smile or happiness. This time it is for real.
It is 4am, do you know where your blog is?
Sometimes I don't deal well finding the middle ground. I either fail or succeed, but the success is more like a first place victory and the failure is like coming in dead last. I have a lot of passions in life that I don't explore very often because these passions tend to be judged in manners that could subject me to mediocre-ness. I might be considered average (a thought that often scares me)...and the thing is, I won't know until I am judged if I am a success or failure. In most of life, I know where I stand, with writing or speaking I don't have a clue until my audiences responds. To be truthful, I love speaking and writing for others. If I do well at these two things, I feel a greater sense of accomplishment, than all the trophies and medals from dancing and all the straight A's in school could ever provide.
I have one problem with exploring and expressing my creative side more (and my artsy friends don't take offense because I love you dearly and respect you more than most people in the world)....My intelligence, I think, has often been based on my more scientific, factual side of life, not the creative side. I fear not being recognized for my intelligence. Why? I think because this is how I've been judged and compared to others my entire life, but intelligence isn't going to make me stand out anymore like it did in school or when I was way ahead of the game in the work place. The world caught up with me. Maybe the creative side is what I need to stand out and no longer be the wall flower that fear attempted to destine for me. Damn the PTSD
Although, I look at most of my writing and speaking as teaching. I would love to know that someone is or could benefit from what I have to say or write, maybe not necessarily in this format (blogging), but in others I provide. I guess this is the direction I will have to explore next. The path ahead looks scary, but it is time for me to put the fear behind and forge ahead.
I have a few days off from therapy this week. Doctor was overbooked and pushed me back til tomorrow. Its probably a good thing since I chose last night to drink away my problems instead of meditate on them. Last night, though, was different. Normally drinking makes me forget and have fun, but last night it hurt like a deep ulcer in my stomach. The pain didn't stop me from throwing back the tequila shots, but I did choose a chocolate milk with dinner instead of the typical choice of drinks. I think the inner child wants to come back and try reliving now that it understands how my life turned out this way.
How come so few people write about their experiences with mental issues? I've gone to every bookstore around and only have found a few books that aren't super medical. I want to know about PTSD, Depression and the rest of it from someone who is actually experiencing it. Maybe then I'll be ok reading and hearing the word depression. Maybe I won't think of it as something "wrong" but a something I will break out of. Unfortunately, I don't have the "break-out" plans tattoo'd on my body like the hottie on "Prison Break". If life were so fake and unrealistic. God bless TV and the hotties on there that keep us dreaming.
The main reason I am writing this blog is for the next person like me who is wanting to know what they are feeling is ok and "normal" for us slightly "off" types. And don't feel alone if you are not sure if there is anything wrong at all. I didn't know until this year when my "shell" finally cracked. My life has been like a turtle slowing down everyday til finally someone ran over my shell and exposed the hurt, fragile being that is really inside. I'm not sure if the exposure or reality hurts more, but either way it has been a lonely, haunting pain. I could handle PTSD, but Depression? I am the girl who has the constant smile that everyone always compliments and loves. I am strong, independent, relentless.....or so I thought.
Here is a question: If we don't really know ourselves, how can anyone else really know and/or love us? Hmmm, could this be why I'm divorced at such a young age? Or did the other factors (excuses I came up with) really play true? Life is full of questions and bouncing back from all of this just adds more.
