Decompression Stop - 30

A decompression stop is a period of time a diver must spend at a constant depth in shallow water at the end of a dive to safely eliminate absorbed inert gases from the diver's body to avoid decompression sickness

Today is my last stop of my 30th year. There is a lot to be to eliminated today, but as much time as I have spent decompressing this weekend. I am failing at fully decompressing this year and the past 30 year's events. I do not know how to let go. Damn the PTSD. Damn life.

My birthday wish tomorrow is to be able to stop, decompress each year, and leave the toxins in my life behind me. Push my reset button. Clear my cache. Delete my temporary internet files. I must past 'Go'. For once I want to see the screen, "Please wait while your system reboots..."

I am not by any means saying 30 was a bad year. I just wish I knew how to let things go. I wish life's replay didn't eat away my brain daily. It hurts. It hurts bad. There are countless times a day one of my replays brings a flood of flashbacks and tears to my head. My only defense is to squeeze my eyes tight, hold back the tears, let the memory play out, distract myself, and keep moving forward. Forward progress is mandatory.

Back to the point of the last paragraph, 30 wasn't a bad year: new relationship, new job, new friends, new songs from The Real Me (finally), friends having gobs of new babies, friends (esp Becky) getting married, waking up from anesthesia, picking up an old hobby in cycling, riding 100 miles in the MS 150, spending 99% of my year drink free, and surviving 30 years, 363 days thus far in life.

Yet, with every good point, there is the counterpoint: break-ups, floods at work, having to leave friends at my old toxic job, friends losing parents and children, losing my gall bladder, losing my dog, losing friends, watching my friends hurt, PTSD, depression, court date being pushed back again, feeling trapped in life, money, drinking when I did last year, knowing people won't tell me the truth, feeling alone, and suffering through 30 plus years.

And, of course, the bittersweets:

• Chris, the ex-husband, and Lisa are engaged. Congrats! - I know. And some, who have known since day 2, have totally avoided the topic with me. And Chris, promised to let me know himself, has never bothered to call and let me know.
• So-called friends have endlessly let me down this year, which continues to make me feel like I have no one to turn to in life when I really need to fall apart. I just want to know someone is there when I finally decide to open up...but...more let downs...real friends please. Fake ones need not waste my few brain cells that are not at war.
• Therapy-Therapy costs lots of $$. Money doesn't grow on trees. Without therapy, I feel awful, but with it, I can't survive.
• Same goes for good jobs - not sure what to do about the 2 - Year 31 will clarify b/c year 30 did not work, at all.
• Brother 1 is talking to me again, but I still don't have the means to help lure him out of this relationship. I know if I was in the position I was in last year or the year before I could probably have him lured out from the witch, yet, the whore still triumphs. I wish I could make thing better for him.
• Ok, I better stop now. I went from probably a good idea to a 3am rant. Good night, back to bed for me
  

Who will I be tomorrow

I can't quite put a finger on things lately. "Things" being my state of mind or how I'm feeling about life in general. I guess this status quo sort of frame of mind is good, but it, also, leaves me feeling a little numb or lost feeling. Is this who I am turning into or going to be? If so, this is boring as hell...or maybe, it is not, and I just need to settle a bit. I, just, today am starting to feel more unsure about "things".

There has been no changes in the prescriptions for awhile so I guess my lil' brain has finally found and settled in a content, drug-induced state. Good or bad, I am not sure, just in a constant which is better than all the ups and downs I had for awhile. I like rollercoasters, but everyday, every hour, of my life is a bit much to ride one. Where do I find my middle ground? My happy place?

Numb is just as exhausting as the whirlwind rollercoaster ride. I need to wake up. I've napped long enough. I feel like I'm missing something and/or someone. I'm 30. I said I was going to make it different this decade. I just need to figure out how and where to start. Suggestions are welcome.

30 years minus a week

I remember thinking when I was younger I would never live this long. I thought for sure I would die before I would reach my twenties. Now I sit here, a week from my 30th birthday wondering, "Now what?"

I would ask for a map for my birthday, but I already have several (and they are never in my car where I really could use them). Although, I am sure the road maps I own right now have their purposes, I am not sure they would provide me the direction I am currently looking for. I am scared, for one, to change directions. And secondly, I'm not quite sure I know where I want to go. If I ever change directions, is it ok to do so blindly? I made it this far without a plan...I never thought I would make it this far in life. I guess now is as good time as ever to hit reset and try it all again. No marriage. No children (just some furballs). Just me, and me alone.

Yes, You have reached...

Sheila Effan's blog, please leave a message at the beep.

BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEPPPPP!

I just wanted to say a big thank you to Mary Leonard on a terrific job on her article yesterday in the St. Louis Post Dispatch. Everyone should take a few minutes out today and read it. Here is a link, and, of course, it features a bit about me and my blog, so please check it out. Mary was a delight to talk to and I hope to hear from her again, even if it is not for an article. She really is a fascinating person to speak with. Thanks again, Mary, and best of luck.

Because I'm not feeling very creative today

I stole this from Casa Christy's blog...Enjoy

1. first prom date? Some guy from Vianney who I met the week before Prom. I don't remember his name. I met him at a party. He stole one of my McDonald's french fries and stuck it in his mouth and so I ate it out. You don't steal a girl's french fries. Prom was the last time I saw him. We didn't have anything in common but McDonald's french fries.

2. first roommate? Sarah V. S.

3. first time drunk on? Long Island Teas @ McGuirk's...Thanks, Lucky (Johnny)

4. first job? family's printing company unless you count the endless babysitting jobs

5. first car? 79 Buick Regal

6. age of first funeral? 6 - Grandpa's (at least the wake-part of things)

7. age when first moved away from your hometown? 18 - KC

8. first grade teacher? Sister Janet

9. first ride on an airplane? when and where? Atlanta - 1977

10. first time sneaking out of the house and with who? I was a good little Catholic girl. I never did those things

11. first Best Friend and are you still friends? Melissa Cruise in pre-school. We are no longer friends but we did run into each other in HS and hung out for several years before losing touch again.

12. first place you lived after your parents house? Rockhurst U in KC

13. first person you call when you have a bad day? Mom, my Ex, or Geoff-geoff, but I never tell any of them I'm having a bad day...I just chat with them

14. first time you were a bridesmaid or a groomsmen? never, but I will be a year from September in Becky's wedding

15. first thing you do in the morning? pee

16. first concert you ever went to? Jesus Jones

17. first tattoo or piercing? ears in first grade

18. first celebrity crush? John Cusack in Better Off Dead

19. age of first kiss? Kevin Knieram (sp?) in first grade

20. first love? My ex-husband, Chris

21. still in love with your first love? I'll always love him, but in a very different way

Anything else you want to know about me? Feel free to ask any time. I want to be an open book and this forum is my way to help me do just that.

Where to go from here

I have a few days off from therapy this week. Doctor was overbooked and pushed me back til tomorrow. Its probably a good thing since I chose last night to drink away my problems instead of meditate on them. Last night, though, was different. Normally drinking makes me forget and have fun, but last night it hurt like a deep ulcer in my stomach. The pain didn't stop me from throwing back the tequila shots, but I did choose a chocolate milk with dinner instead of the typical choice of drinks. I think the inner child wants to come back and try reliving now that it understands how my life turned out this way.

How come so few people write about their experiences with mental issues? I've gone to every bookstore around and only have found a few books that aren't super medical. I want to know about PTSD, Depression and the rest of it from someone who is actually experiencing it. Maybe then I'll be ok reading and hearing the word depression. Maybe I won't think of it as something "wrong" but a something I will break out of. Unfortunately, I don't have the "break-out" plans tattoo'd on my body like the hottie on "Prison Break". If life were so fake and unrealistic. God bless TV and the hotties on there that keep us dreaming.

The main reason I am writing this blog is for the next person like me who is wanting to know what they are feeling is ok and "normal" for us slightly "off" types. And don't feel alone if you are not sure if there is anything wrong at all. I didn't know until this year when my "shell" finally cracked. My life has been like a turtle slowing down everyday til finally someone ran over my shell and exposed the hurt, fragile being that is really inside. I'm not sure if the exposure or reality hurts more, but either way it has been a lonely, haunting pain. I could handle PTSD, but Depression? I am the girl who has the constant smile that everyone always compliments and loves. I am strong, independent, relentless.....or so I thought.

Here is a question: If we don't really know ourselves, how can anyone else really know and/or love us? Hmmm, could this be why I'm divorced at such a young age? Or did the other factors (excuses I came up with) really play true? Life is full of questions and bouncing back from all of this just adds more.