Selfish or Sense of Self

Why is it that I always have the need to accommodate others before myself? I rather make others happy and put my own feelings aside. I never want to be perceived as selfish or even be put at fault for making the wrong choice. I like being a responsible and take charge person, but the fear of the above has often caused an inner conflict: should I make things happen? or should I attempt pleasing everyone (the impossible task, but one I take on daily).

Where do we want to eat? Simple question, but one of the biggest dilemmas I face when out with a group. I might be craving something but unless i know for a fact others will want the same I will stay silent and make someone else choose. I'm afraid of choosing wrong, even if circumstances lead to something happening out of my control. If I made the choice I will feel guilty. There is the damn guilt thing again.

Last night, I was the designated driver, probably a long term position due to my abstaining from the so-called evil world of alcohol. Being in a bar with everyone drinking was a tough test for me. What made it worse was being responsible for 2 of the drunks there. Damn the drunks. I became very agitated quickly on Saturday. I think a shot or two would have put me at ease, but, instead, I was hyping up with Axiom Blues, another Red Bull-like drink. Just what I needed, caffeine, to add to the agitation that was building up inside me. My patience was fairly good despite my insides eating at me. I really needed to leave and take comfort away from the rowdy, loud drunks and numerous drinks scattered around me, but the drunks of the night are never the ones that want to leave the bar, especially before it closes. I should know, I've been the drunk of the night quite often the last few years, never wanting to miss a thing.

When I finally escaped the smokey bar scene, my aggitation didn't go away. It continued to grow worse as the night went on, stealing away the sleep I badly needed. Why you ask? I was still in a position of being responsible for another. I know it is awful, especially since I've been the drunk who has relied on others to take responsibility for me the last few years. I worry and to put myself at ease I will follow my point of concern in circles just to make sure they will be ok. I can't handle guilt if something should ever happen. Paranoia still lurks about me, but just not with the severity of the past.

I think it will be awhile before I will find a place of contentment in the bar scene or the drunk friend scene. Things I found highly amusing a few weeks ago are now churning my insides, begging for a way out of the situation. I know time will give me additional patience and comfort to allow me to enjoy the great times out with my friends and repay them for all the drunk-care they have provided to me in the past. I'm just not there, yet, but soon, very soon.

'Til then, let us all raise our glasses of water....Cheers!