Watching files download

I'm sitting here watching files download. I lead an exciting life, I know.

I was trying to think of something worth writing about while I watch time pass 1% of my file download at a time, but nothing is striking me as worthwhile.

I am in no way discontent with my lack of provoking thought. I just want to get through today, another day....another day, which the world turned at a very slow pace in comparison to my mind...another day, where the sun never really shined...another day, where I'm still trying to figure it all out.

What is it? Good question. Life, to be general. I have no real definition or plan for it, nor am I a fly by the seat of my pants through life type either. I am some where in the middle. I guess I am truly a Libra. I like certain things about my life planned, but I like leaving enough room that I am not locked plans. Life changes quickly, so I need to be able to change my plans quickly with it.

68.9% of my file is downloaded.

A former co-worker sent an email today that made me chuckle. He moved to CA awhile back but still listens to the local radio stations over the internet during the day. His email included a link to a story about a man assaulted by hot cookies after his friends stole drugs from the two men, but that is not why I laughed....underneath the link was another line from him, "BTW, highs will be in the lower 60's expect minor delays on 40 Westbound" Did I mention he lives in CA now? Thanks for the update, Matt.

84.1% of my file is downloaded.

Jon just stopped in to interrupt my blog-zen...he mentioned that he often writes posts but never gets around to finishing, or posting. I am guilty of doing the same thing. I either am afraid of posting, don't finish it to my idea of complete thought for a posting, or let it simmer for awhile and post it no matter what it says, how complete or incomplete it is. The posting is the relief, letting that something off my back or out of my head, and one more thing I don't have to keep shelled up inside.

Download complete. Have a great evening.

Where did I go wrong

Life is pretty sad when 2 songs looping endlessly in your head say it all...How to Save a Life by The Fray and Hate Me Today by Blue October.

Step one you say we need to talk
He walks you say sit down it's just a talk
He smiles politely back at you
You stare politely right on through
Some sort of window to your right
As he goes left and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame
You begin to wonder why you came

There are so many people in my life I just want/*need* to sit down and talk with about our friendships (what the friendships are, what they were, what they are lacking or not now) and about other topics driving our everyday lives. The problem is I do not feel like the people I really need to talk with are available to me. People don't want to hear the truth no matter what the topic, if it is not peachy keen. I think that is why the real issues stay bottled up inside just eating away at me all the time. Things, and events, I should shake off, I replay over and over (thanks, PTSD). The one thing that eases the pain and stress is talking out the stressor, but to who? The person I need to talk with just avoids any and all real in depth conversation or is a person I cannot even approach any more. What the hell? Is this what it is all about? I hate it. People often say they would never go back to the social aspects of high school. At least, back then, every thing, as far as I know, in my life, was brutally honest with my friends. Life was simple. I knew where I stood with people. They knew where they stood with me. I never was killing myself from the inside out with my own over thought. I am not blaming every one else. I know I can be just as guilty but so many people make themselves unavailable making me fear if I open up and expose myself and how hurt and falling apart I am...I'll be nothing. I have no one to trust.

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

As he begins to raise his voice
You lower yours and grant him one last choice
Drive until you lose the road
Or break with the ones you've followed
He will do one of two things
He will admit to everything
Or he'll say he's just not the same
And you'll begin to wonder why you came

How to Save a Life by The Fray

Decompression Stop - 30

A decompression stop is a period of time a diver must spend at a constant depth in shallow water at the end of a dive to safely eliminate absorbed inert gases from the diver's body to avoid decompression sickness

Today is my last stop of my 30th year. There is a lot to be to eliminated today, but as much time as I have spent decompressing this weekend. I am failing at fully decompressing this year and the past 30 year's events. I do not know how to let go. Damn the PTSD. Damn life.

My birthday wish tomorrow is to be able to stop, decompress each year, and leave the toxins in my life behind me. Push my reset button. Clear my cache. Delete my temporary internet files. I must past 'Go'. For once I want to see the screen, "Please wait while your system reboots..."

I am not by any means saying 30 was a bad year. I just wish I knew how to let things go. I wish life's replay didn't eat away my brain daily. It hurts. It hurts bad. There are countless times a day one of my replays brings a flood of flashbacks and tears to my head. My only defense is to squeeze my eyes tight, hold back the tears, let the memory play out, distract myself, and keep moving forward. Forward progress is mandatory.

Back to the point of the last paragraph, 30 wasn't a bad year: new relationship, new job, new friends, new songs from The Real Me (finally), friends having gobs of new babies, friends (esp Becky) getting married, waking up from anesthesia, picking up an old hobby in cycling, riding 100 miles in the MS 150, spending 99% of my year drink free, and surviving 30 years, 363 days thus far in life.

Yet, with every good point, there is the counterpoint: break-ups, floods at work, having to leave friends at my old toxic job, friends losing parents and children, losing my gall bladder, losing my dog, losing friends, watching my friends hurt, PTSD, depression, court date being pushed back again, feeling trapped in life, money, drinking when I did last year, knowing people won't tell me the truth, feeling alone, and suffering through 30 plus years.

And, of course, the bittersweets:

• Chris, the ex-husband, and Lisa are engaged. Congrats! - I know. And some, who have known since day 2, have totally avoided the topic with me. And Chris, promised to let me know himself, has never bothered to call and let me know.
• So-called friends have endlessly let me down this year, which continues to make me feel like I have no one to turn to in life when I really need to fall apart. I just want to know someone is there when I finally decide to open up...but...more let downs...real friends please. Fake ones need not waste my few brain cells that are not at war.
• Therapy-Therapy costs lots of $$. Money doesn't grow on trees. Without therapy, I feel awful, but with it, I can't survive.
• Same goes for good jobs - not sure what to do about the 2 - Year 31 will clarify b/c year 30 did not work, at all.
• Brother 1 is talking to me again, but I still don't have the means to help lure him out of this relationship. I know if I was in the position I was in last year or the year before I could probably have him lured out from the witch, yet, the whore still triumphs. I wish I could make thing better for him.
• Ok, I better stop now. I went from probably a good idea to a 3am rant. Good night, back to bed for me
  

Scars

I can't make them go away. I can't make them stop hurting. I feel like I swallowed a million razor blades tonight...and the only thing the scars beg for is release, or maybe more pain. I just want to stab them with a needle to feed the pain, or maybe release it for good. If I feed it, maybe it will sleep for bit and let me be.

Every time I forget the scares are there, I accidentally brush against one of them or scratch an itch and there they are...jagged little edges...no meat behind them...shallows on my own body....holes where someone got inside of me, but a piss poor job of putting me back together whole. Easy access so maybe they can cut me open again? or just permanently marking me as imperfect.

No one wanted to scare me, and tell me how awful it would be in the end. Everyone just provided me with hope-filled wishes that when it is all over every thing will be better. You'll feel so much better when it is over. HA!...later as I still deal with the constant pain and complications, the truth comes out...It was awful, totally rearranged my insides. I haven't been the same since. Screw hope. I wish I would have known the truth and what the future really had in store for me.

Waking up, feelings as though they were trying to suffocate me...the pain...walking around, holding my insides in, fearing if I let them go, everything would fall out. I didn't care enough to ask for help thought, continuing to push myself further and harder only to cause more pain. The tearing and pulling, at what little of my insides that were still intact, only to in the end, hurt more.

Still, I rub, I scratch the scars. The depressed, rough scar where there once was perfection and the reality of imperfection now stakes claim.

Living like a daisy...

A few weeks ago, I bought daisies for all the girls in the office, to cheer us up from a really crappy, busy week. There are only 4 of us, including myself, so it is no big deal. Mine are still here, mostly alive. Every couple of days, I trim the stems, add a dab of sprite, and top off the water.

The daisies are the bold-colored ones (lime, hot pink, orange, electric blue, purple, and yellow). Now who wouldn't be happy looking at bright, colored, wide open daisies sitting in front of them??? (Naysayers: shush your mouths now, it is a happy day)

My daisies are showing signs of future wilt and fading more every day, but I still smile every time they catch my eyes. The petals, and their bright colors, reaching straight out; the reminder to stretch out and enjoy what is left of their life...and mine, who knows how much is left, but they still reach, grabbing for more...still living for it, enjoying it. Every day I am realizing, like the daisies are reminding me, I need crawl out of this shadow and go back to me, stand out for all to see, as much as possible, show all my colors, and crafts, and prove that I can stand on my own and do it for myself. I'm ready to be cut free. I may wilt at times, but, hey, isn't that a reminder to go out and play in the water???

My last day could have been 8 yrs ago, then again it could be 80 years from now. Lord, help me, it won't be that long off. It shouldn't take much to be happy in life: a little trimmin', a dab of sprite, and a topper of water???....just look at the daisies.

I have a lot to say

I just don't know how to say it right now.

Sept 11th - Sept 12th (reason for my PTSD)
Overworking - Undersleeping - Avoidance
Lack of Me time
which equals lack of brain to hand translation
an 8 yr post accident blog is now overdue
and stuck in my head
life is also stuck til I relieve myself of it

the bright-side, i called someone to tell them how their words at the scene of the accident have comforted me everyday for 8 years now. simple but life saving. i'm glad she knows. i'll stop now before this tear pops out. hopefully, what i really need to blog about will find an escape from my tortured brain and share itself with you.

Listen hear, Do what you are told!!!

*Stepping up on my soap box*

Ladies and gentlemen, smartie pants nephews, and any one else who might come across this....

If someone suggests or tells you to do something, the person acting in authority is doing so usually in your best interest, SO LISTEN TO THEM NOW.

When a doctor prescribes a bunch of drugs, take the damn things even if you hate taking pills. For instance, I hate taking pills and sometimes I may not think the little devils are doing a damn thing anymore (but usually I am wrong (I know, can you believe it, me? wrong?) and I don't realize it until I miss a dose accidently). Right now I am taking what seems like a million pills every day for my PTSD and resulting conditions (Cymbalta, Lexapro, Toprol XL, Lyrica, Topamax, Disulfiram, Ovcon and occassionally Lunesta and Allegra) This little life saving cocktail is helping me improve my life everyday. I have never felt this good in the last 8 years, so guess what? The doctor knows better than I do when he said take a handful of damn little throat chokers several times a day (maybe not exactly in those words, but you get the point =)).

Or maybe when Mom tells you not to touch the car keys and to stop jumping around in the car, she means it. She doesn't really mean for you to nab the keys and put them in the ignition...And maybe turn the said keys in the ignition and put the van in reverse, promptly backing it into a tree while Mom is trying to strap 2 toddlers into the back seat. Hmmm, wrecking Mom's van when you are 4 does not bode well for future driving lessons (in 10 years or more). Trent, buddy, I say don't go anywhere near car keys for a very long time. I love you to death but wrecking mommy's car is not the way to become a big boy. You need to be good so Gabe can learn to be like you (except the smart mouth and wrecking cars part).

I'm sure there are a lot more examples to learn from out there right now but give people a chance, don't be so full of yourself all the time. People are trying to help you not have to make mistakes. They usually have already made the mistakes and want you to learn from them so you don't have to suffer to. OPEN YOUR EARS and your hearts. You'll be glad you did in the end. It is worth millions. Not everyone is right, but then again neither are you. Take a chance, listen to a friend, a teacher, doctor, co-worker, parent, sibling, or even a stranger, it is amazing what you can learn when you listen to another.

When the lights go out in the City

It has been a very dark week/weekend in St. Louis. At times, there were up to 750,000 people without power. In the dead heat of summer, you realize how dependent you are on air conditioning, or the very least a ceiling fan. The modern conveniences are gone. You go to the bathroom in the dark (hoping the last guy didn't leave the seat up or miss the target, per say). You have no cold drinks or ice in the fridge. You also realize all those pretty smelling candles are awful when you mix all the scents together just trying to see your way around your own house.

The air is silent...no ACs kicking on and off, no late night cars coming in and out because no one is having parties and very few restaurants are open. The restaurants have all been plagued by the power outage too. Half the city was tossing out freezers full of food. Others were more creative and had block party BBQs making sure nothing went to waste. You run your car near empty on gas and then realize there isn't a gas station with power any where around. And Walgreens, they have power, but the shelves have been wiped clean by the other survivors. As luck would have it the dog finished his food and needs more...but every pet store you drive to is without power. And the DMV, same story. Only one in St. Louis county had power this week/weekend. Hope they don't ticket you in your new van as you wanders the city with no plates.

It has been a week to reconnect with friends and family. With very few places to go, many were out in the streets visiting with the other neighbors without power. Then, there were the ones who sought refuge with lucky people like me with power. It gave us a chance to reconnect and catch up on all the little things in life that we forget about in hurried conversations on email or the phone in the evenings. Then as life slowly turns back to normal and the lights turn back on, we promise that we should all get together more often like this...reality is that we'll forget about the promises and this awful week by next weekend when everything is back to normal and you don't have to wait 20 mins at busy intersections with powerless traffic lights and a temporary stop sign.