Torn

there's a window by the bedroom door that never will be opened
if you spend the whole day looking out and never look within
and your lover and your mother and your father have been hopin'
that you find the truths you're looking for by searching deep within
so sad about me?
i'm sad about you
there's a reason why the sunrise sets and friends and loved ones leave us
there's a method to the madness like a future to your past
and your lover and your brother and your sister should believe us
'cause the mysteries beyond our reach are firmly in our grasp
anything is possible.
in the morning when you wake yourself you wonder what you're doing
as you rub your eyes so violently while falling out of bed.
is there nothing educational in words that you are chewing
as you seek the soothing solace of a friendly shower head.
but i really must admit that i am glad that i am living
there were times when i would pray to God and ask that i was not.
and i've learned that taking isn't really have as much as giving
but the secret to your wisdom is the oneness in your soul.
~So Sad about You by Cowboy Mouth

I think the above sums me up right now.

Sometimes it isn't pretty being GREEN

I am in Kansas City with my 9 closest friends; yet, my head is still stuck in St. Louis. I should be totally here, worry free, enjoying the break from the hectic life in StL, but for some reason my head keeps wondering what is going on in StL. Is he moving on with someone else?

There has been a distance lately, very little communication (emails, texts, calls, IMs). Hmm. He doesn't owe me a thing by my own design. I don't expect anything, but I wonder. I let my mind wander and destroy me.

I keep telling myself it is better this way, keep working on me. Me. I hate the fact that I'm human. I see him in pain and I want to fix it. I sit here thinking about the fact that he is probably moving on. Feelings suck. Life was so much easier when I was numb to the world.

Things to erase today: jealousy

Rewind: Friday night band gig

I survived the band gig Friday night. I tried to make myself feel better about going by actually primping beforehand instead of the 5 min. touch-up before walking out the door, but I don't think it helped too terribly much. Although, my new shirt was a hit. I bought it at Hot Topic, this week, a store I normally do not step into, but I wanted something dark and limit-pushing and where else do you go, except a teenie bopper store. Anyways, the shirt reads, "I'm not crazy, I just do bad things when I don't get my meds". Perfect for a girl on a bunch of crazy meds right now, huh? I figure I have to do anything I can right now to keep my mood up; and funny tshirts about being evil are my norm...so I expanded a little, what's wrong with that?

I think edgy is my new word, because it seems to best describe my current state of being lately, EDGY. I think Alex was the only one who caught on to how off I was feeling Friday night until I went to leave and Karen asked me if I was OK. Then, she asked if I was drinking or thinking about drinking. I told her the latter, that is why I was leaving. I explained the full situation to her about not wanting to be there and she let me leave without anymore questions. I love band-mom. I was very concerned about Alex getting home though. He was pretty lit, but insisted he had it under control. I trust the other guys wouldn't let him do something stupid and left it to them, because I really needed to get out. I just couldn't stay there any longer. I felt just very edgy and closed in on there. I bet you are wondering what was the problem. Hmm. How can I explain this... I will have to find a way to do this PC and dance around a few of the topics.

Alex brought Jill out for the first time to meet the "group". Did I mention Jill and I went to high school together? Welcome to St. Louis! Mike, also, showed up. It was a nice surprise. Our schedules hadn't jived for 3-4 weeks now it seems like. And I was ending another stressful work week and still not drinking and happily not doing so, I think. Gail and Cindy were there too. They left without saying goodbye. I even dance with Marissa (by choice) Weird night. Changes. Changes.

Possum Kingdom didn't make it better for me either (of course, it didn't come true).

It's not you, it's me?

I'm writing today not only my own personal experience and feelings, but from the stories and understandings of my many male friends, who often consider me just one of the guys. (I still haven't decided if that is a good or bad thing)

There is a common occurrence in dating many women, and sometimes men, do not understand. The lack of understanding adds to the cluelessness of what really causes men to "tick" and leads them into the circumstances of such occurrences. I hear about it repetitively from male-types I associate with. Such occurrences are very common in the movies too, but I rarely can say, as a female, I am often the perpetrator. I know you are wondering what this occurrence is and here is the really tough part to explain (partly because many of my readers are men and God bless you guys). Well, here goes nothing...

There is the situation where everything is going fine or status quo in a relationship. Then, for no particular reason, you wake up one day and realize I'm done. I am ready to pull out of this relationship. There is not an explainable reason. There is nothing wrong with the other party involved, no problems between the two of you. You just hit the point that you are finished with the relationship.

People have this need for justification, an exact reason. Some times life is not that simple, especially relationships. You can love a person, but not have that drive to keep things going. Relationships in my mind are draining (friendships, dating, family, etc.). I think one is sub-consciencely aware of a drain or lack of spark before one's self can fully interpret and justify an ending or change. I believe some people are just more willing to act on the sub-conscience edginess in a relationship and make the change without that one infamous reason, or last straw. And in these situations, no answer is ever really going to put one at peace. When it is over, it is over. When a change needs to be made, make it. Prolonging the inevitable is a guilty self-torture which is totally unnecessary.

Guilt: Being responsible for and accountable for an offense or (in my words) a torture device abused by modern society

Hey little sister what have you done

Saturday afternoon, my dearest friend, Rrebeckagh, from high school called. "HEY, DO YOU WANT TO BE IN MY WEDDING? YOU'RE THE FIRST PERSON I ASKED." Translation: Rob finally proposed approximately 1 year after the two of them met poolside. I think I had to ask 3 times how he proposed, I don't think she cared...she had the holy grail, or maybe one hell of a blinging engagement ring, either way, my little Becky-sister (as my youngest siblings always refer to her) is getting married! Her world is finally complete.

One question: Does anyone date anymore? or do you just get married? I have little faith in love at first sight and maybe that one little piece of pessimism in my life is what keeps me from jumping in head first with every guy I meet (and trust me, sometimes that is not easy). I'm cautious right now; I can't deal with any additional possibility of trauma, plus keeping a little distance makes the heart grow founder, right?

I love Becky and Rob...and I envy what they and some of my other friends have figured out so quickly. I wish them, along with Michelle and Tom, the best of luck in their new lives together. Michelle and Tom are just over a month from their wedding.

As Billy Idol has said many times, "It's a nice day for a white wedding".

Human after all

Can you believe it? I'm not perfect, no where even close.

I need help, lots of help, but the question is: am I brave enough to let someone in all the way to help me fix my inadequacies???

Honest answer is NO. I've made some improvements.

I'm breathin in
I'm breathin out
So slip inside this funky house
Dishes in the sink
The TV's in repair
Don't look at the floor
Don't go up the stairs
I'm achin
I'm shakin
I'm breakin
Like Humans Do

My Michael has seen a lot of my mess when I get overwhelmed with household chores or laundry, but he never gets to see the whole picture, but I am letting him in deeper and deeper everyday (and I haven't scared him off yet). He never freaks or puts me down for not being perfect, just helps where he can. He was quite a lifesaver the first BBQ I had with him at my house. He came over to help me quickly overhaul things to accommodate guests. He didn't blare out stories about how awful my house was or that he came over early to clean up my hell. He just went on and enjoyed the party and never bitched at all. It was unbelievable support that I've only had in the past from my Mom, Dad, and baby brother since I moved out on my own. He's been overly accommodating and supportive, downright amazing.
I work & I sleep
& I dance & I'm dead
I'm eatin, I'm laughin
& I'm lovin myself
We're eatin' off plates
and we kiss with our tongues
Like Humans Do

My sister knows more than most anyone, but I don't know how to tell her I need help, I often ask or hint that I would like her to come by, but never tell her why or let her know it is more of a need, not a want. She doesn't understand that I'm still in over my head with all of this PTSD crap and really need help digging out. I can't figure out how to ask for help. I don't want to put someone else out for my problems, but I'm slowly wearing myself out because I haven't opened up and said, "I need help."

For millions of years,
In millions of homes
A man loved a woman,
A child it was born
It learned how to hurt
and it learned how to cry
Like Humans Do
My parents confuse me right now. I am pretty sure, like everyone else, they don't understand a thing I am going through right now, but they don't inquire either. I don't think they understand that I need their help as much as I need the therapy and prescriptions. I think my dad is just sick to see one of his children hurting and not sure how to step in. And my mom, I have no idea. She is usually pretty inquisitive and intuitive when it comes to me...not this time.

I have one uncle checking in every few weeks, but, again, he has no clue where to go from there to help me...and I have no clue how to ask.

Ask for help. I can give the advice to others but can't do it myself. Grrrr. This is my work in progress, my goal for the week.

I think my fear with it all is that things have gotten so far out of hand that I'm not sure people will understand why. I am afraid they will think I'm lazy, messy. Truth is I am so overwhelmed PTSD or not, I have no clue where to start and get things put back together the way I have it in my head. In my head, this is not how I want to live or live, but reality is telling a different story. I need help.

Like Humans Do by David Byrne

Pink Elephants

I didn't know what to title today's post, nor do I really have anything to write about. I'm in one of those moods, not bad by any means, but nothing that says I'm so happy either. The world is going around and I am here, end of story.

The exciting part of the story is that I bought a new mug this week with pink elephants on it. Why pink elephants? Why not! No one else has a mug with pink elephants. Pink elephants may be perceived as silly and childish, but they make me smile, especially since these are blowing pink bubbles. Now who wouldn't want a blue mug with pink elephants blowing bubbles? I guess a lot of people since I found my mug on clearance along with a large family of pink elephant mugs. See, I told you my life is exciting, or not.

One of my best friends is going on a blind date tonight with someone she met through eHarmony. She is very nervous and unsure about the internet dating world. She has met some guys with extraordinairy lives, or so they say. When I was trying to pump her up for her date I thought about how people perceive themselves is not necessarily how the rest of the world views them; that is what makes internet dating tricky. You are relying on the person on the other end to tell you about themselves, when really you probably need to be interviewing one of their friends to get to know the person. In my case, I'm not sure if my friends would be able to do that or not. I try to put up my shell even to my closest friends, but there are a few who know how to slowly widdle me down to get to the truth, to "the real me". Did I mention I met my Mr. Wonderful on eHarmony? Maybe that is why I'm not scared of the thought anymore and giving my friend the swift kick in the butt to give this a try and have fun with it. We only live once. And we can never make too many friends, or miss the chance to meet the "One". Good luck tonight "M". First one down, and plenty more to go.

I went to dinner with my friend, Trey, last night. He look at me and said it seems like this job is "sucking the life out of me". I think he is right. It is either sucking or status quo, never enhancing my life like my work once did. What to do now?

I think its time for a plate of Mexican and a margarita.

Toodles, Noodles!

PS. Did I mention my pink elephant mug is the ugliest thing I've ever seen?

Leaving on a Jet Plane

I'm on my first trip w/ Mike. He is sitting spaciously up in first class; I'm sitting behind in "Average Joe" class. He offered to forfeit his seat and sit with me but I really am glad he did not , as I'm appreciating the alone time, the quietness. I am, also, feeding off the anxious excitement of the US Army soldier sitting next to me.

The soldier is returning home to his 4 beautiful kids for the first time in over a year; Unfortunately, his trip will be brief, as he hasto return overseas again soon. He has been traveling since 5am; It is now after 8pm as I write this. I do not see a lot of weariness in him. He is fidgety and jumpy ready to be home in Texas.

Back to Michael...He has put up with me for 3 months now in person, 7 total. He is probably the number one reason my PTSD recovery is going so well. Mike gets me excited about things in life again. He makes me want to go out and leave the house and couch. We constantly try new things (ie. food and entertainment) and meet new people...All the things I have been afraid of for so long. He has helped me find the world I once knew and was destined to find again. The difference is I get to do it with him and the constant smile on his face, and with a constant smile on mine.

I still fade into my dark place when I am alone, but my place is not quite as lonely any more. I still wonder if he is influencing the change or if I am doing this completely alone and for me. I, also, fear whether I can do this, maintain this change alone without Mike, without the drugs (currently Cymbalta, Lexapro, Lunesta, Neurontin, Toprol XL, and a GABA supplement).

We are flying over the clouds now. I see puffy white forever and the sunset fading down into the clouds. I question if this is what the after life is going to look like.

When our plane was taking off, all I could think about was the plane crashing. Not in a fearful way, but a matter of fact way. I still have the same thoughts driving the windy bluff roads by my house; I have vivid images of just driving off the road to my demise (probably a slow painful death), but I'm not scared. It will be how I'll some day die. What good meanings would life have without death?

Quick Disclaimer: This is verbal diarrhea from my head...My chaotic brain venting.