Sink or Swim....

Sometimes I don't deal well finding the middle ground. I either fail or succeed, but the success is more like a first place victory and the failure is like coming in dead last. I have a lot of passions in life that I don't explore very often because these passions tend to be judged in manners that could subject me to mediocre-ness. I might be considered average (a thought that often scares me)...and the thing is, I won't know until I am judged if I am a success or failure. In most of life, I know where I stand, with writing or speaking I don't have a clue until my audiences responds. To be truthful, I love speaking and writing for others. If I do well at these two things, I feel a greater sense of accomplishment, than all the trophies and medals from dancing and all the straight A's in school could ever provide.

I have one problem with exploring and expressing my creative side more (and my artsy friends don't take offense because I love you dearly and respect you more than most people in the world)....My intelligence, I think, has often been based on my more scientific, factual side of life, not the creative side. I fear not being recognized for my intelligence. Why? I think because this is how I've been judged and compared to others my entire life, but intelligence isn't going to make me stand out anymore like it did in school or when I was way ahead of the game in the work place. The world caught up with me. Maybe the creative side is what I need to stand out and no longer be the wall flower that fear attempted to destine for me. Damn the PTSD

Although, I look at most of my writing and speaking as teaching. I would love to know that someone is or could benefit from what I have to say or write, maybe not necessarily in this format (blogging), but in others I provide. I guess this is the direction I will have to explore next. The path ahead looks scary, but it is time for me to put the fear behind and forge ahead.