Can I crawl under my shell and hide?

Work, namely my boss, has a way of throwing me off kilter.

I once upon time would live to work. I loved the power and energy it gave me, even when I had a boss who I didn't quite see eye to eye with. These days though, work drains me. I have a hard time getting out of bed in the morning to face the daily boring grind. My work now has become routine, same thing every day. I no longer fly around the world or have urgent problems to fix at 3am. I just drag my widening ass out of bed to come into the office and sit in an awful blue chair and try to surf to the end of the internet (no, I haven't found it yet, but I will keep you posted).

Back to my boss, he never knows what he really wants, he changes his mind with each new idea thrown out to him. He never looks at the big picture with a plan, instead puts out fires and does everything as a reaction. Granted this is occassionally fun, it is also draining. I never know what to expect: will I get snapped at for being late or praised because I fixed something in 2.2 secs (that really wasn't a big deal to start with). Grrrr, maybe he is the one that needs therapy to straighten out his head.

He is one of those people I despise...a pleaser. He plays people. He tells them what they want to hear even if he has no intention of doing it or believing what he is saying. I think I rather be told how it is sometimes than receive 100% fluff. Fluff just makes me choke and wipe all the fuzzies off my tongue.

I started this rant before rai$e-time here to calm my nerves, but finished it when I realized raiSe-time is just more fluff. And a time to wear Static guard in hope that I won't choke on anymore fluff.

Pink Elephants

I didn't know what to title today's post, nor do I really have anything to write about. I'm in one of those moods, not bad by any means, but nothing that says I'm so happy either. The world is going around and I am here, end of story.

The exciting part of the story is that I bought a new mug this week with pink elephants on it. Why pink elephants? Why not! No one else has a mug with pink elephants. Pink elephants may be perceived as silly and childish, but they make me smile, especially since these are blowing pink bubbles. Now who wouldn't want a blue mug with pink elephants blowing bubbles? I guess a lot of people since I found my mug on clearance along with a large family of pink elephant mugs. See, I told you my life is exciting, or not.

One of my best friends is going on a blind date tonight with someone she met through eHarmony. She is very nervous and unsure about the internet dating world. She has met some guys with extraordinairy lives, or so they say. When I was trying to pump her up for her date I thought about how people perceive themselves is not necessarily how the rest of the world views them; that is what makes internet dating tricky. You are relying on the person on the other end to tell you about themselves, when really you probably need to be interviewing one of their friends to get to know the person. In my case, I'm not sure if my friends would be able to do that or not. I try to put up my shell even to my closest friends, but there are a few who know how to slowly widdle me down to get to the truth, to "the real me". Did I mention I met my Mr. Wonderful on eHarmony? Maybe that is why I'm not scared of the thought anymore and giving my friend the swift kick in the butt to give this a try and have fun with it. We only live once. And we can never make too many friends, or miss the chance to meet the "One". Good luck tonight "M". First one down, and plenty more to go.

I went to dinner with my friend, Trey, last night. He look at me and said it seems like this job is "sucking the life out of me". I think he is right. It is either sucking or status quo, never enhancing my life like my work once did. What to do now?

I think its time for a plate of Mexican and a margarita.

Toodles, Noodles!

PS. Did I mention my pink elephant mug is the ugliest thing I've ever seen?

Decisions, decisions

I often feel overwhelmed when it comes down to making a decision. I always want to see all my options before (if I ever) commit to one choice. Sometimes, I can't make up my mind so I select all the options, which are not needed, but I rather have too many than not enough (just an excuse to not make up my mind). This impulse to just go with it all, or provide way more than is expected often leaves me in a mess of clutter, people commenting that I went overboard and a financial crunch. The problem lies that I'm afraid that I might not select the best color or the most fabulous whatever for people to compliment. There is also a need to have all possible options available, or not to ever run short.

I should not walk into stores...period. I can go months literally without walking into a single store. The minute I do pass through the automatic doors, I fall into a hopeless rut. Something is on sale, but I can't decide what color, so I buy every available one (even though I don't even need the first one). I see an electronic device I want, so I buy every possible accessory because I don't want to be left without something I might need a year down the road. I see a plant. Plants are nice, so I buy a few. Then they clutter my counter top. I see a book that is interesting and maybe 10 more. I buy them all, even though there is a stack of 20 or more waiting to be read at home. My head thinks better to buy now than to forget that I wanted to read it later. I see a movie I watched once for $5 (what a deal); I buy it. A year later, the same movie still sits in the cellophane wrapper. It is someone's birthday, I go and buy them a $25 gift, but it seems like not enough in the little decorative bag, so I spend another $50 so the person does not think of me as cheap. The sad thing is I normally wouldn't buy this person a gift at all. I just happened to be at the store. Money grows on trees, right? Houses self-expand to accomodate whatever is in the next bag that enters it's door, right? And I wonder why it takes me so long to organize myself and my house.

Friends we are and friends will always be

Continuing on in more detail from earlier. I have people from past, friends, that have reached out again or vice-versa, I've actually reached out to them. I miss these friends and their company; but I can't handle all the relationships right without someone (often unintentionally) making me feel guilty. I don't know if keeping up with relationships is as taxing for everyone but they wear me out. I fear the face-to-face confrontation. I dread answering my phone if they call. I'm terrified they want something from me...and I don't know how to say "no" to them. I am unable to balance the demands others (unknowingly) put on my life. I have a few current examples:

We'll leave this place returning faithfully
My friend, Judy...I have only ran into her once in the last 3 years. Judy has witnessed a lot in the fifteen years she has been my friend, respected teacher, and mentor. She does not always understand all the aspects of me or the motives behind my actions or lack there of, but she is still my friend. She is one of many I started avoiding when my world hit its slow demise. I didn't know how to let her help me. I didn't want her to see me fail. I was afraid to disappoint someone who taught me so much and who I respected unlike any other. I miss her. I am starting to realize she would be a great advisor and listner as I try to rebuild and recreate me. She saw my barriers from, maybe she can help me dicipher and break them down. I sent her an email at the end of May and a week or so later she responded. I need to call her to continue this communication I started. I need energy for this call and lately I have not had any extra to spare.

Now, Bob, he reached out to me just today with a text message with no callback or return address. Bob, also, is a mentor and caring father figure. He has seen me grow up and change quite a bit in the last 10 years. Although, I think he wins the contest for he who has changed the most. Actually, it just hit me that Bob has done exactly what I need to do. He has very successfully recreated himself. He has changed his look and his way of life, maybe his is more on the surface and less deep like I need to do. I guess it is hard to say with out walking in his shoes for a day. Like Judy, I've dodged Bob quite a bit. Sometimes it is better if your friends don't see you fall apart, especially when you are not fully aware yourself that your world is crumbling.

Plane is landing (and in one piece, guess my visions are just that visions).

Leaving on a Jet Plane

I'm on my first trip w/ Mike. He is sitting spaciously up in first class; I'm sitting behind in "Average Joe" class. He offered to forfeit his seat and sit with me but I really am glad he did not , as I'm appreciating the alone time, the quietness. I am, also, feeding off the anxious excitement of the US Army soldier sitting next to me.

The soldier is returning home to his 4 beautiful kids for the first time in over a year; Unfortunately, his trip will be brief, as he hasto return overseas again soon. He has been traveling since 5am; It is now after 8pm as I write this. I do not see a lot of weariness in him. He is fidgety and jumpy ready to be home in Texas.

Back to Michael...He has put up with me for 3 months now in person, 7 total. He is probably the number one reason my PTSD recovery is going so well. Mike gets me excited about things in life again. He makes me want to go out and leave the house and couch. We constantly try new things (ie. food and entertainment) and meet new people...All the things I have been afraid of for so long. He has helped me find the world I once knew and was destined to find again. The difference is I get to do it with him and the constant smile on his face, and with a constant smile on mine.

I still fade into my dark place when I am alone, but my place is not quite as lonely any more. I still wonder if he is influencing the change or if I am doing this completely alone and for me. I, also, fear whether I can do this, maintain this change alone without Mike, without the drugs (currently Cymbalta, Lexapro, Lunesta, Neurontin, Toprol XL, and a GABA supplement).

We are flying over the clouds now. I see puffy white forever and the sunset fading down into the clouds. I question if this is what the after life is going to look like.

When our plane was taking off, all I could think about was the plane crashing. Not in a fearful way, but a matter of fact way. I still have the same thoughts driving the windy bluff roads by my house; I have vivid images of just driving off the road to my demise (probably a slow painful death), but I'm not scared. It will be how I'll some day die. What good meanings would life have without death?

Quick Disclaimer: This is verbal diarrhea from my head...My chaotic brain venting.

One is silver and the other gold

Old friends, they will always be there. I seemed to have let many of my friends go the last several years. I avoid them when I can and hide in my little shell at home, but they still keep knocking and invading my life. It is not that I don't want these friends, I just don't have the energy to be friends with them all right now. I feel drained all the time and going out with people that I have a hard time talking to just wipes me out for days. I hate forcing conversation and feeling so out of place, but that is how I feel right now among these people who knew me when I was so much stronger.

On the other hand, I have made several new friends this year, people who know very little about my past. These people see me as fun, talkative and energetic. Why can't I portray that to my old friends? I think it is because these people are completely new. I know nothing about them and they know very little about me. We tread lightly, conversation is never to deep or invading. I don't need to explain to the new friends why I have been out of touch for awhile. I don't feel guilt when I'm around my new friends either. I have never avoided or lied to them so that I could stay home in my own peace.

I occassionally reach out to one of the friends of days past and try to make amends. No one ever seems to be upset, just glad to see me. It puts my guilt slightly at ease. I should do this more, but I am terrified of overextending myself again and spiraling back down to my own personal hell at home on the couch.

"Make new friends, but keep the old..." If I were only 10 again, when the concept seemed as simple as the words we sang around the campfire.

One tequila, two tequila

...three tequila and a couple of margaritas gives you a crappy night of sleep and an irritating headache all day. Where are the drugs and masseuse when I need them? I need to learn to say no more someday. (Let's not start with today though).

I'm going on a safari...

I think the country song says it best,

"...I ain't as good as I once was

Thats just the cold hard truth

I still throw a few back, talk a little smack

When I'm feelin bullet proof..."

Hmmm, I wish could be as sharp and smart as I once was. I really think the "hippo" in my brain has turned to mush. It is really frustrating sometimes when I can't remember the simplest things, like what I had for dinner last night or the name of a person I've known 3 years. The doctor informs me regularly that I need to be patient and it will heal in time. He laughs sometimes when he reminds me. I think he knows patience is not one of the virtues I possess when matters of time are involved, at least not yet. Zen meditation will help, I'm told...we'll see.

Who thought memory would escape us at such a young age, but, at least, there is hope that mine will soon return. I just need to help myself get past the stress and barriers that have taken over my life. I remember just over 2 years ago a friend's son hung himself. Luckily his dad, my dear friend, resuscitated him. They thought he may have brain damage, especially with his short term memory. I was amazed how quickly it all came back to him and now he has returned to the normal life of every other teenage boy. I'm waiting for that day that I can just be a 30 yr old girl. No worries and memory intact. Until then I'll keep working some of the mush off of my Hippo.

...and I'm going to bring
an Apple, a Bottle of Vodka, Chocolate Chip Cookies, a Dildo, Eddy Munster, Footlong hot dog, Golfballs, Hoola Hoop, Ice Cubes, Jumper cables, Kilo of hash, Lip balm, Marshmellows, Nancy Reagan, Orgasms, Puppy, Quart of Oil, Reindeer, Suntan lotion, tepee, Underwear, Vodka, Walrus, Xylophone, You, Zebra
...And Geoff-Geoff (my bleu cheese stuffed olive eating, vodka drinking, Cubs loving, extremely entertaining, Italian friend), you can go.

Will the lights go out tonight

Some nights I lay here and just pray for sleep. I feel like I'll go crazy if sleep doesn't fall upon me soon. I didn't sleep well last night, so I thought tonight I would find it fast...yet, it still escapes me.

Maybe all the excitement today is keeping me awake. I had the newspaper here taking pictures of my Great Room for an article on the dream homes of generation X. I got my car back and fully repaired. It drove like it was brand new again (maybe I won't trade it in right away). I forgot how great and smooth it was before age caught up with it, but unlike me, it was given new youth again. I wish I could get a few new parts to make me like I was back in the day, but no such luck.

Then, maybe not excitement, but the worries work has cursed me with lately is cheating me of sleep. I feel so out of sorts there lately. The boss makes me feel uneasy, as does the newly hired VP. I, also, should've picked up some things from Best Buy tonight that I forgot about that they need for a trip first thing in the morning...rush rush rush.

And maybe just some cold air would freeze me to sleep. God bless my Ex and I pray he fixes this AC problem tomorrow.

Sweet dreams to those who can find them.

Put on a happy face

In my family, things always seem good no matter how bad they get. This last week was pretty good despite the list of things that went wrong. As the list grew, I started to stress a bit, but kept laughing it off. Some day I'll learn to voice that stressful/worrisome emotion, but til then I'll put on my happy face for others, laugh at myself, and joke at my expense. Life is just easier this way...until the good ole doc asks why. Why do I need that happy, strong barrier? What will it take to show what I am really feeling and to let others help? Instance #1, my Central AC went out at my house 9 days ago. I could have let numerous people come over and fix it, but I was afraid they would judge me. Judge me because my house was not clean enough, or I had too much laundry piled up, or my basement smells funny. Instead of getting it fixed right away, during this humid 90 degree weather, I chose to sweat buckets for days until my ex-husband, who is a HVAC guy got back in town. Then, I begged him to put his stuff on hold and fix it (because he already knows what I really am about). He has seen me fall down this spiralling hole, too bad he doesn't understand that is what he witnessed during the demise of us, but some things are unexplainable to someone who already put that chapter behind him for other reasons which seemed justified at the time.

I guess the fact that I am now aware of the above means I am healing, just not as fast as I wish,...too bad I still don't have the answers to the what's and why's for the doctor.

Where to go from here

I have a few days off from therapy this week. Doctor was overbooked and pushed me back til tomorrow. Its probably a good thing since I chose last night to drink away my problems instead of meditate on them. Last night, though, was different. Normally drinking makes me forget and have fun, but last night it hurt like a deep ulcer in my stomach. The pain didn't stop me from throwing back the tequila shots, but I did choose a chocolate milk with dinner instead of the typical choice of drinks. I think the inner child wants to come back and try reliving now that it understands how my life turned out this way.

How come so few people write about their experiences with mental issues? I've gone to every bookstore around and only have found a few books that aren't super medical. I want to know about PTSD, Depression and the rest of it from someone who is actually experiencing it. Maybe then I'll be ok reading and hearing the word depression. Maybe I won't think of it as something "wrong" but a something I will break out of. Unfortunately, I don't have the "break-out" plans tattoo'd on my body like the hottie on "Prison Break". If life were so fake and unrealistic. God bless TV and the hotties on there that keep us dreaming.

The main reason I am writing this blog is for the next person like me who is wanting to know what they are feeling is ok and "normal" for us slightly "off" types. And don't feel alone if you are not sure if there is anything wrong at all. I didn't know until this year when my "shell" finally cracked. My life has been like a turtle slowing down everyday til finally someone ran over my shell and exposed the hurt, fragile being that is really inside. I'm not sure if the exposure or reality hurts more, but either way it has been a lonely, haunting pain. I could handle PTSD, but Depression? I am the girl who has the constant smile that everyone always compliments and loves. I am strong, independent, relentless.....or so I thought.

Here is a question: If we don't really know ourselves, how can anyone else really know and/or love us? Hmmm, could this be why I'm divorced at such a young age? Or did the other factors (excuses I came up with) really play true? Life is full of questions and bouncing back from all of this just adds more.