a day of depression...

A friend of mine asked me a couple of weeks ago what it feels like when I am depressed. It is not something easily put to words, but here is what I wrote:

• a hug is needed to pull me in tight, hold me forever, and swing me side to side
  
• i can't smile because every muscle in my face feels like a dead weight
• it hurts to move my body out of the fetal position
• everything causes a tear in my eye
• a drive down the road isn't just drive down the road...i think about driving off the edge of turns or what if I get hit around this next bend, will it hurt, will I die
• if i die, who will be at my funeral
• there are so many thoughts in my head I can't concentrate on any one long enough to make sense of just one of them
  
• i wonder if there will ever be enough time, money, love to put my life back together again
• i feel bad towards my dog that i'm his owner, that he may be better off dead and maybe I should have it put down
• i could sleep forever and never feel like i ever have enough
• taking a shower seems like a major undertaking that doesn't seem possible, but not taking one makes me feel even worse and even more dirty and anxious
• i feel like i am starving but nothing sounds good even though my insides feel like they are imploding
  
• when I do decided to eat, I eat something that awful for and binge terribly on it

It may just sound like a bad day, but think of a lot of endless bad days with a lot of forced fronts and acts that you put on towards those around you so they don't see your pain (depression). Ahh, another point: You feel the need to put on an act around everyone you know well, an act of happiness and strength, even though your world is caving in.

Luckily, my bad days are far and few between lately. Hopefully, I will keep them that way. My plan is to keep them kissed away with my twenties.