Reality Bites
Living in the now can be a scary awakening. This year I've been scared of the past, scared of the future, and terrified of the now. There never seems to be enough time for me to take it all in and find a place to process all the thoughts in my head. I have a million "plans" for my future, but as the ideas hit I do not have enough time to absorb or research the thoughts as deeply as I would like.
I guess the initial thought here is I finally have plans. For so long I was terrified to try something new, terrified of failing. I velieve I can handle failure better now, I think. I could research almost anything to death or evaluate the same things over and over again. My problem is I don't get paid right now for research. To get a paycheck, my job demands that I work on IT stuff. Bummer.
There are not enough hours in my world to absorb the now. I feel like healing from the PTSD has been a whirl-wind tour. It took 7.5 yrs to create this mess and in 7 months now I've already made significant changes to improve my quality of life and not let the PTSD own quite as much of my world anymore. Hopefully, soon it will not own any of my world. We will see.
The past. Will I ever really be able to put the past behind me? Therapy has been great for me to understand the hows and whys of my life better. Each session has allowed me to put things in a better place and to rest. The past is done, behind me. I need to be done with it, too. Easier said than done. Done, done, done. The past created me, but I can't let it own me. Yet, I dwell on things I can no longer change and that no longer influence my future. I'm hoarding the past. I hide from everyone that I still do, but I remember so many bad things and I cannot let them go. This is where PTSD still owns me.
2 comments:
It's amazing how much the past means to us. How tight a hold it can have sometimes. How easy it is to pretend it was better then that. I've been in therapy off and on for about 5 years. I've decided that I like therapy, and that I might just keep going forever. Because inside there I can say what I want, without fear of embarrassment or guilt, without risking the personal relationships I've built out in in the real world. Of course, it took me a long time to feel that way about therapy - I'm an extremely stubborn person who doesn't adapt well.
Last week, I sat in her office and cried a lot and at the end I said "I guess it's time to put on my happy face again." My therapist says "You don't have to do that." And I compromised - I didn't pretend to be happy, but I didn't reveal my sadness either.
I'm very spastic this week, my apologies.
For me, one of my big problems was that I got too good at putting things away. Sort of like taking something and boxing it up and putting it away. Only I was so thorough that I became completely cut off from myself. I floundered around in the now, wondering where I had come from and why I was here. Now I have to go through and look at each peice, try to fit it together with everything else, and become a whole person again. I suspect it will take a lifetime. But that's ok with me - as long as I keep making progress.
beth
Beth,
Again, you and I are very much alike. I love therapy. It has been a huge awakening and calming for me. I understand the guilt too. I don't know if I will ever be able to escape it in the real world, but I'm going to keep trying.
Thank you for your constant support. I don't know if you realize how much it means to me.
~Sheila~
PS. The cookies were awesome
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