Nov 28, 2007


there's a window by the bedroom door that never will be opened
if you spend the whole day looking out and never look within
and your lover and your mother and your father have been hopin'
that you find the truths you're looking for by searching deep within
so sad about me?
i'm sad about you
there's a reason why the sunrise sets and friends and loved ones leave us
there's a method to the madness like a future to your past
and your lover and your brother and your sister should believe us
'cause the mysteries beyond our reach are firmly in our grasp
anything is possible.
in the morning when you wake yourself you wonder what you're doing
as you rub your eyes so violently while falling out of bed.
is there nothing educational in words that you are chewing
as you seek the soothing solace of a friendly shower head.
but i really must admit that i am glad that i am living
there were times when i would pray to God and ask that i was not.
and i've learned that taking isn't really have as much as giving
but the secret to your wisdom is the oneness in your soul.
~So Sad about You by Cowboy Mouth
I think the above sums me up right now.

Nov 12, 2007

Watching files download

I'm sitting here watching files download. I lead an exciting life, I know.

I was trying to think of something worth writing about while I watch time pass 1% of my file download at a time, but nothing is striking me as worthwhile.

I am in no way discontent with my lack of provoking thought. I just want to get through today, another day....another day, which the world turned at a very slow pace in comparison to my mind...another day, where the sun never really shined...another day, where I'm still trying to figure it all out.

What is it? Good question. Life, to be general. I have no real definition or plan for it, nor am I a fly by the seat of my pants through life type either. I am some where in the middle. I guess I am truly a Libra. I like certain things about my life planned, but I like leaving enough room that I am not locked plans. Life changes quickly, so I need to be able to change my plans quickly with it.

68.9% of my file is downloaded.

A former co-worker sent an email today that made me chuckle. He moved to CA awhile back but still listens to the local radio stations over the internet during the day. His email included a link to a story about a man assaulted by hot cookies after his friends stole drugs from the two men, but that is not why I laughed....underneath the link was another line from him, "BTW, highs will be in the lower 60's expect minor delays on 40 Westbound" Did I mention he lives in CA now? Thanks for the update, Matt.

84.1% of my file is downloaded.

Jon just stopped in to interrupt my blog-zen...he mentioned that he often writes posts but never gets around to finishing, or posting. I am guilty of doing the same thing. I either am afraid of posting, don't finish it to my idea of complete thought for a posting, or let it simmer for awhile and post it no matter what it says, how complete or incomplete it is. The posting is the relief, letting that something off my back or out of my head, and one more thing I don't have to keep shelled up inside.

Download complete. Have a great evening.

Nov 8, 2007


  1. Deprived of the power to feel or move normally; benumbed
  2. Emotionally unresponsive; indifferent
Life has lost its luster lately. Excitement is gone; what little is there, is forced. Emotions are fading. Crying, which isn't an emotion I ever really expressed until I started on the meds, is even fading. I am accomplishing more this way, but my world is becoming very isolated again.

Oct 20, 2007

Brought to you by the number Zero

My week in review:

High Point

  • My birthday - I think 31 has been more exciting and filled with more little surprises than 30. Everyone really made me feel good with plenty of smiles and laughter filling my air. I loved my day....and days.
Mid Points
  • Uncle Harv had his kidney stones broken up via laser, finally. No more tearing up his insides trying to pass them. Cool part is the laser left bruising on his back in little dot patterns, connect the dots any one?
  • Pretty much everyone I know had a rough week at work: Meags with her presentations, Alex being told he may have to go on another tour immediately, Me being stupid and trying to catch up and not taking a weekend just made for crappy all the way around. Many more stories, but none are coming to mind at the moment.
  • Geoff-geoff had another knee surgery, more scar tissue removed, no more dead people parts added. Wondering if he says, "I am dead people" now. During his drugged up state on Thursday night, I directed him in hooking up his Voip backwards...maybe he should have shared the pain killers.
Bad Points
  • Uncle Terry went in for angioplasty and instead is getting bypass surgery. Grr. Pray.
  • Meags, poor Meags has lost two of her animals this week: Schoogz, her sugar glider, and Midnight, her dog. I hate seeing her this upset.
  • Dr. Brian lost one of his labs.
If I am correct, that is 3 animal deaths and 3 surgical procedures. Damn 3. I'm liking zero today.

Oct 15, 2007

First Anniversary of 30

Five AM and not a bad start to a Monday, my first day of my first year officially over 30: a Starbuck's giftcard from Kristan, an 8 layer cake from Jon (God bless his soul for aiming for 31 layers), a Happy Birthday IM from Alex at midnight, and a countdown of text messages from Michele my belle.

Oh, I can't forget an email from my favorite band, Cowboy Mouth and a birthday coupon for SHOES! LoL

Where did I go wrong

Life is pretty sad when 2 songs looping endlessly in your head say it all...How to Save a Life by The Fray and Hate Me Today by Blue October.

Step one you say we need to talk
He walks you say sit down it's just a talk
He smiles politely back at you
You stare politely right on through
Some sort of window to your right
As he goes left and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame
You begin to wonder why you came
There are so many people in my life I just want/*need* to sit down and talk with about our friendships (what the friendships are, what they were, what they are lacking or not now) and about other topics driving our everyday lives. The problem is I do not feel like the people I really need to talk with are available to me. People don't want to hear the truth no matter what the topic, if it is not peachy keen. I think that is why the real issues stay bottled up inside just eating away at me all the time. Things, and events, I should shake off, I replay over and over (thanks, PTSD). The one thing that eases the pain and stress is talking out the stressor, but to who? The person I need to talk with just avoids any and all real in depth conversation or is a person I cannot even approach any more. What the hell? Is this what it is all about? I hate it. People often say they would never go back to the social aspects of high school. At least, back then, every thing, as far as I know, in my life, was brutally honest with my friends. Life was simple. I knew where I stood with people. They knew where they stood with me. I never was killing myself from the inside out with my own over thought. I am not blaming every one else. I know I can be just as guilty but so many people make themselves unavailable making me fear if I open up and expose myself and how hurt and falling apart I am...I'll be nothing. I have no one to trust.
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

As he begins to raise his voice
You lower yours and grant him one last choice
Drive until you lose the road
Or break with the ones you've followed
He will do one of two things
He will admit to everything
Or he'll say he's just not the same
And you'll begin to wonder why you came
How to Save a Life by The Fray

Oct 14, 2007

Decompression Stop - 30

A decompression stop is a period of time a diver must spend at a constant depth in shallow water at the end of a dive to safely eliminate absorbed inert gases from the diver's body to avoid decompression sickness

Today is my last stop of my 30th year. There is a lot to be to eliminated today, but as much time as I have spent decompressing this weekend. I am failing at fully decompressing this year and the past 30 year's events. I do not know how to let go. Damn the PTSD. Damn life.

My birthday wish tomorrow is to be able to stop, decompress each year, and leave the toxins in my life behind me. Push my reset button. Clear my cache. Delete my temporary internet files. I must past 'Go'. For once I want to see the screen, "Please wait while your system reboots..."

I am not by any means saying 30 was a bad year. I just wish I knew how to let things go. I wish life's replay didn't eat away my brain daily. It hurts. It hurts bad. There are countless times a day one of my replays brings a flood of flashbacks and tears to my head. My only defense is to squeeze my eyes tight, hold back the tears, let the memory play out, distract myself, and keep moving forward. Forward progress is mandatory.

Back to the point of the last paragraph, 30 wasn't a bad year: new relationship, new job, new friends, new songs from The Real Me (finally), friends having gobs of new babies, friends (esp Becky) getting married, waking up from anesthesia, picking up an old hobby in cycling, riding 100 miles in the MS 150, spending 99% of my year drink free, and surviving 30 years, 363 days thus far in life.

Yet, with every good point, there is the counterpoint: break-ups, floods at work, having to leave friends at my old toxic job, friends losing parents and children, losing my gall bladder, losing my dog, losing friends, watching my friends hurt, PTSD, depression, court date being pushed back again, feeling trapped in life, money, drinking when I did last year, knowing people won't tell me the truth, feeling alone, and suffering through 30 plus years.

And, of course, the bittersweets:
  • Chris, the ex-husband, and Lisa are engaged. Congrats! - I know. And some, who have known since day 2, have totally avoided the topic with me. And Chris, promised to let me know himself, has never bothered to call and let me know.
  • So-called friends have endlessly let me down this year, which continues to make me feel like I have no one to turn to in life when I really need to fall apart. I just want to know someone is there when I finally decide to open up...but...more let downs...real friends please. Fake ones need not waste my few brain cells that are not at war.
  • Therapy-Therapy costs lots of $$. Money doesn't grow on trees. Without therapy, I feel awful, but with it, I can't survive.
  • Same goes for good jobs - not sure what to do about the 2 - Year 31 will clarify b/c year 30 did not work, at all.
  • Brother 1 is talking to me again, but I still don't have the means to help lure him out of this relationship. I know if I was in the position I was in last year or the year before I could probably have him lured out from the witch, yet, the whore still triumphs. I wish I could make thing better for him.
  • Ok, I better stop now. I went from probably a good idea to a 3am rant. Good night, back to bed for me

Sep 29, 2007

I need a bath

Anytime I feel really sick, or anxious, I used to take really hot bathes and just bury myself in the water. Nothing is as soothing as hot water; nothing relieves the pressure like soaking in a big tub. Almost scalding hot water slows me down, warms me up, and allows me to drift off to sleep. Yes, I sleep in the bathtub. Drowning myself in the warmth of the soothing water where only my mouth and nose, and occasionally feet, peeking out to feel the cool air. Listening to the distorted sounds of the world through the water, I find peace in metally sounds of the air bubbles rising from my hair or my body occasionally shifting and moving the water around me.

I need a bath.


I can't make them go away. I can't make them stop hurting. I feel like I swallowed a million razor blades tonight...and the only thing the scars beg for is release, or maybe more pain. I just want to stab them with a needle to feed the pain, or maybe release it for good. If I feed it, maybe it will sleep for bit and let me be.

Every time I forget the scares are there, I accidentally brush against one of them or scratch an itch and there they are...jagged little meat behind them...shallows on my own body....holes where someone got inside of me, but a piss poor job of putting me back together whole. Easy access so maybe they can cut me open again? or just permanently marking me as imperfect.

No one wanted to scare me, and tell me how awful it would be in the end. Everyone just provided me with hope-filled wishes that when it is all over every thing will be better. You'll feel so much better when it is over. HA!...later as I still deal with the constant pain and complications, the truth comes out...It was awful, totally rearranged my insides. I haven't been the same since. Screw hope. I wish I would have known the truth and what the future really had in store for me.

Waking up, feelings as though they were trying to suffocate me...the pain...walking around, holding my insides in, fearing if I let them go, everything would fall out. I didn't care enough to ask for help thought, continuing to push myself further and harder only to cause more pain. The tearing and pulling, at what little of my insides that were still intact, only to in the end, hurt more.

Still, I rub, I scratch the scars. The depressed, rough scar where there once was perfection and the reality of imperfection now stakes claim.

Sep 27, 2007

Outside Looking In

Socially awkward. Yes, the adaptable extrovert in me still cannot handle social events sober.

I am not drinking. I do not drink in groups. I have in a couple rare situations this year drank in groups and later regretted it severely. For the most part I have only had a single glass of wine, or drink, in rare one on one dinner situations. I don't want to be the idiot drunk, but it is so hard being the only sober person sometimes.

When everyone else is drinking and I am not, I need to escape. I get antsy, panic-y, and self-conscious. Why should I, the only one not acting like an drunken fool, feel self-conscious???? because I don't know how to relate to the drinkers. I am, also, at the point that I don't want to take care of the drinkers either. I usually seem bored or ADDish. The later in the drinking evening it gets the more I want to run away.

I am permanently out of my element.

Sep 23, 2007

A toast to Becky and Rob

I met Becky the first day she moved back to St. Louis from Omaha. It was the first day of our freshman year at Ursuline, our first big day in high school. She immediately became part of me and my family. In fact to this day, my nineteen year old brother, who was just 3 when he met her still refers to her as "Becky-sister".

So, today, we are all here (thank you for being here) for Becky and Rob's wedding, albeit 50 years early from the best laid plans we made in high school. I think the original plan was for me to be pushing Becky in her wheelchair down the aisle around the age of 80. Thanks for screwing that up, Rob, but I'm sure Mom and Dad Clemens are very greatful....because the UA "boobsie twins" were not always known for planning well, or making the best decisions....

Cooking for example - Beck and I CANNOT cook. Simple things, like Uncle Ben's boil rice, not so much. Evidently, you can burn boil bag rice. Yes, somehow two bright girls like ourselves could not handle the simple things like boiling a bag of rice, soooo we knew if either of us found a man who could cook...we should keep him. Rob, you can cook, right???

Driving - anyone ever ride in a car with Becky??? Don't blame me. I tried to teach her to drive...being 10 months older and driving a land barge at 16. Becks wanted to learn to drive. I thought I could teach her. Again, ehhhhh, not so much. All I remember is driving through our friend, Colleen's, subdivision and suddenly seeing Becky heading for mailboxes and parked cars screaming, "NOOOOO, the other peddle, the other peddle"

Drinking - Dad, do you remember in your toast you mentioned those little infractions....hmmmm, yessssss...I think you busted us on a few of those back in the day. Our first party with alcohol, Becky and I had not acquired a taste for beer, but that did not stop us from wanting to fit in. I remember us walking around all night with cans of beer in our hands, the same two cans of warm beer....occasionally putting the beers up to our mouths acting like we were drinking. Then, Mom and Dad Clemens show up to drive us home. Next morning, Becky and I are down in the kitchen, Becky asks me what I want to drink. Jim (Dad) shouts from the living room, "Hey Sheila, How about a beer?" BUSTED. Busted and we didn't even really drink. I remember Becky and I just looking at each other with looks of shock.

Fast forward to many moments I wish to forget at Tremors. Musical influences that changed as much as we have...MC Hammer, FU Schnickens, DePeche Mode, NIN, a brief hiccup in country music, an uncanny obsession with Jessie's Girl. Our friends getting married, having kids, finding our first gray hairs.....then Becky meets Rob.

Sarah and Wayne married 2 years ago in San Diego. Becky and I flew out there for the wedding. On the trip out, we read together, "He's just not that into you". Many of you have heard of the book, it is by the author of the show "Sex and the City". It is one of those pump women up and tell you how great guys should be treating you. As Becky and I read, and giggled, and related stories of the past and present. There was a constant theme. Everything ended with, "Rob's soooo great. He does that for me all the time." I knew she found her one.

Rob, Mrs. Kjar's husband, there are a few things you need to know.

Becky loves to be woken up to someone singing "Can you take me high enough"...the louder and more out of tune, the better. Its your job now, since I don't think we will be having any more sleepovers.

And if she ever shows up to really important events with yellow bleached out bombshell hair. Just smile and tell her how beautiful she looks. (that was my wedding btw)

And most importantly, if she EVER tries to set me up on another blind date with a blonde horse mullet guy with hair longer than mine (fifteen years later and I'm still not over that). Please tell her no. I'll take care of my own love life. After all, she can't find success in love twice. She found you for herself.

Please raise your glasses.......

Aug 28, 2007

Happy Birthday, Ol' Man

You're officially over 50!

or is this

Happy 1st Anniversary of your 50th Birthday?

Hope you've put that AARP card to some good use over the last year =)

I love you!

~Your first favorite effan daughter~

You've got a friend in me...

You've got a friend in me.
You've got a friend in me.
When the road looks rough ahead,
And you're miles and miles from your nice warm bed.
You just remember what your old pal said.
Boy, you've got a friend in me.
Yeah, you've got a friend in me.
It is a very lonely and scary when I can't talk to my best friends. It sucks that some travel, some live in other cities, and some just have lives that are too busy to take time out for a chat. I miss them. I miss who I am with them.
You've got a friend in me.
You've got a friend in me.
If you've got troubles, and I got 'em too.
There isn't anything I wouldn't do for you.
If we stick together we can see it through,
Cause you got a friend in me.
Yeah, you got a friend in me.
Right now, some of my best friends are hundreds, if not thousands, of miles away; others are only right down the street, yet, I feel I can't talk to any of them. I am feeling very isolated I know if I reach out my friends will always be there for me.

The problem is...I don't know how to reach out when I am falling apart on the insides. I feel no one understand the amount of pain I experience on a daily basis, both physically and mentally. If I show it, I am depressing or a downer and no one will want to be around me. If I don't, I am left in the same quandary I am in now...isolation with no easy out.
Some other folks might be a little bit smarter than I am.
Bigger and stronger too.
Baby, but none of them will ever love you the way I do,
It's me and you, boy.
I know, this year especially, several of my friends have been to hell and back with their own problems, which makes it seem petty of me to think I have my own any more, but I do...and I crumble alone.
And as the years go by,
Our friendship will never die.
You gonna see it's our destiny.
You got a friend in me.
You got a friend in me.
Yeah, you got a friend in me

I selected this song to go with this post because the song always makes me happy for one; and two, it is a good reminder of the strength of friendship through thick and thin which is something we sometimes take for granted, or in my case lately, scared to take advantage of...

I am terrified at times to turn to my friends, my really, good friends. The friend who have pictures of me painted from 10 years ago...I can't live up to that girl anymore. I depress myself trying. I feel every time I turn around I am letting someone close to me down. Not on purpose, the world is out of my control.

I keep trying to go back to GAM (camp), skipping down the gravel road, linked arms, seeing each other for the first time in a year (or more), and singing this song at the top of our lungs, out of tune, without a care in the world...

Note: I started writing this on May 3rd, added a bit, and finally posted today.
~"You've got a Friend" lyrics by Randy Newton

Jul 31, 2007

Wishing for the simple life

Life is just happening around me. I am lost, maybe not lost, but stagnant. I see everyone moving about, but I feel paralyzed and panicked when I think about moving along with them.

Tonight several of my coworkers were going out to dinner and a movie. I wanted to join them, but the thought of spending an evening out with everyone drained me. I hate the anxious feeling I get on nights like this. I look forward to going out with everyone. just to have fun outside of work. Yet, as the event draws closer, everything in my body tightens up and weakens. It is funny how I have a comfort zone with everyone, if we are at work, but, if we leave the building and enter foreign territory, I tend to freeze up or act out of character as a defense mechanism. I just want to break out of this draining pattern. It is killing me.

This last week has been overly sad and difficult. Many of those I care about most in life have lost loved ones, or spent too much time in the hospital panicking over the health of their families. Dad C. had serious surgery and suffered from subsequent infections that have kept him in the ICU the last week. Beck and Mom have been worried sick. I pray this is the end of his health issues as he has to skip Becky down the aisle in that fancy wedding dress of hers next month. Emily suffered two losses this week, her grandmother and, tragically, her four month pregnant cousin. Ryan and Kelly have lost another parent this year to cancer. In addition to Kelly's Dad, Ryan's Mom passed on Tuesday. Kelly's grandma was, also, ill but is on the mends. I have to say Kelly and Ryan are two of the strongest people I've seen. I think soon-to-be baby, Charlotte, has a lot to do with that. Hope is a great thing. I think it is much needed after this last week. Also, my co-worker Danny had a death in his family too. Ugh, so much soo close...sad.

I'm finding a lot of guilt in the deaths and illnesses around me. I don't know how to be there for my friends without sending my own depression and contemplations on death into a tailspin. I used to be able to be the strong one, be at funerals, hospitals, the shoulder to lean, I don't even know what to say or how to broach the subject. I've become weak.

I'm tired. It is 7. Alex is on the other side of the world. I wish I were there.

I think I will give up now and just give into the sleep. Good night all.

Jul 21, 2007

Down to one hand

...I'm sober now for 3 whole months it's one accomplishment that you helped me with
The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing I won't touch again
In a sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night
While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight...
I'm looking at the calendar, reading my old blog and journal entries, and realizing that I can count a year's worth of my stupid, binge alcohol nights all on one hand. The fight isn't over, but it is easier.
Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you
I wish the anxiety would just go away forever. I think, then, I could finally forget about having a drink in uneasy situations. The difference now is that I get the itchiness, the uncomfortable anxious feeling, and occasionally let myself have a drink, just one. The one drink doesn't take away the itch, but it does leave me feeling more depressed for a few days afterwards. I have to say drinking is officially ruined for me. The cravings are still present on the bad days and moments, but, then, the debate in my head it worth it, do I really want this, the next few days....

Lyrics from "Hate Me Today" by Blue October

Jun 1, 2007


Frustration is waking up realizing that you sold yourself short. You have no one but yourself to blame...and now you have to find yourself a new sale.

May 30, 2007

Posts of Late

I have been pretty lost in my own head lately and not in the mood to write. When I do write, it doesn't seem to fit my blog or what it used to be when I started it. The writing seems blah and of no interest to me, so I doubt it will be to anyone else. I posted a few things, but none really seem of much consequence. I can't decide if I am disenchanted with the world, or bothered so much that the world seems disenchanted with me. I keep trying to forge ahead, but my defense mechanisms are failing me and I'm lacking self enough right now to react. Some times I want to throw in the towel and go back to some place where I knew where I stood. I thought I had made a lot of new friends this year, only to have that carpet ripped out from underneath me. I wanted this year to be a fresh start and new beginning. I try to peddle forward, but I seem to be rolling downhill at a steady pace. Overall mentally, I feel better and more sure about myself and my head in comparison to last year, but I no longer have the same strong core of people around me daily that I always knew I could trust. I thought I was building a new one, but two weeks ago I awaken to the reality that it was all in my head. Grrr, my head.

May 28, 2007


I'm in KC this weekend. I left without freaking out too much about leaving town this time, which is a definitely progress for me. I still had the deep sense that I would better off staying at home, but it is Emily's 30th birthday. I cannot let her down. I have probably done that too many times already the last few years by freaking out at the last minute and skipping my trips here. She does too much for me and is always here. I have to love her.

She had a BBQ yesterday. There were lots of new people for me to meet. I did ok, at first, but as I tired, I became more distant and out of place feeling with the group. I probably should've taken a nap or something, but I didn't want to not be around for something or feel weird for disappearing.

My parents made the trip to KC too. They spent most of the weekend with my aunt and uncle, but did join us for lunch Sunday and Emily's BBQ. I think they had a pretty good time since they left much later than expected and kept finding excuses to have one more drink. I wish they would've stayed til Monday instead of driving back so late on Sunday night to StL.

May 8, 2007


Saturday night/Sunday morning, my mind was in a very depressed and scary state. I am not sure I ever freaked out that bad in the last year and a half, but I recovered quickly. I had a long talk with Alex that brought my heart rate under 100 for the first time in 24 hrs. (He can be great and supportive when it comes to talking out the scary stuff locked in my head.) Just putting my thoughts into words released the pain bottled up inside.

The two of us had dinner, which was nice, simple, and a distraction I really needed. I freaked out in my head at one point, but I don't think Alex even realized it. I don't want him or anyone to think of me as depressed. I know he most likely already thinks of me as a real downer, so I bottled up my little freak out, which allowed me to go back to enjoying the night and eventually put it out of my head.

May 6, 2007

Panic Room

aka where I'm currently living in my head

I have to let go.

Desperately need: Sleep. Meds. Doctor. Shoulder-to-cry-on. Him-to-hold-me.

Tempting fixes: alcohol (specifically Margarita, Jager Bomb, Mind Eraser, bottle of Pinot Noir)

What I will be settling with tonight: writing, tears, meditation, letting the hernia win

Bodily damaged incurred by drunks today: severe stomach pain, pulled lower back, and busted nose

# of friends pissed off = 1, maybe 2

I made plans today to go out for cinco de mayo with my ex-husband, his girlfriend (I adore), several mutual friends, and my friend, Rick. When I woke this morning, I really felt like staying home, but I pushed myself and went. I felt very disconnected from everyone and very alone inside. I really just wanted to spend, yet, another weekend curled up in a ball on the couch.

After Mi Lupita, all of us decided to go see my friends' band, The REAL Me. I thought, maybe, hearing my favorite band and being surrounded with drunk, happy people would make me feel better. In the end, I only seem to be more depressed. In less than a year, I've associated so much of my band experience to him and the memories just wouldn't stop coming. I think I'm going to have to stay far away from the band gigs for awhile. I can't deal. Dating was much easier before I fell in love with him. I just want him to be happy; and I think he has decided I am not the one he wants to do that for him.

Here I write...Broken heart. Broken mind. Broken soul.

May 2, 2007

I found Poe, but someone stole my sheep

I have not been asleep 2 hours, yet. I couldn't fall asleep last night because I thought my heart was going to find a way to beat itself out of my chest. I just love anxiety. A few minutes ago, I woke to a pain that most closely resembles the thought of having someone take a knife to my abdomen without using anesthetic first. Nothing makes this pain to go away.

My freak, I mean friend, Beth and I had a really good chat tonight. I think she is the only one that can go from breakups to babies to death to our aging bodies to ways of torturing my co-workers to calming me enough to consider closing my eyes. She can relate to my life on so many levels including a pretty deep conversation on death and the bothersome traits of Christian wakes and burial.

Death has been a constant theme lately which doesn't help a girl with PTSD. Cardinal pitcher, Josh Hancock, died in a car wreck; and pictures of his SUV are everywhere I look. Very tough for me, reliving my own wreck has increased tenfold. A friend from high school, and current co-worker, lost her father to cancer. It was so quick...and reminds me of how quickly it has taken so many I know, especially Uncle Steve. I worry about her and having so much on her plate right now. I'm not sure if I could be as strong. She needs a break.

Like my conversation with Beth last night, I do not end on the note of death.

Mikey, you better pop out of your Mom's swollen belly this week. She needs a break from boredom. Come on out and show her how much she wishes she had this down time again. I love you, Sarah.

May 1, 2007

Reality bites

If I could turn back time...

It is 6am

...And I'm wondering why I am at work and what is so damn important here, because I can't figure it out for the life of me.

Evidently, along with the world, I am still broken or so I heard at 5am...and I think some people will always view me that way. Enough crying over split milk for the morning.

7am - I realized I just sold myself for the Clusterville's chai.

8am - my 6am arrival was in vane because I am currently deploying a different version of the same files. You mean I could have slept another 2 hrs??? I wish you people would make up your mind. It is not my fault you didn't give any detail or give the required information. Grrrrrrr

I know. It is 8am and I've had one too many conversations with too many people today. Can I go to bed now?

PS. I just realized someone is having fun hiding people's toys in odd places. I'm going on a hunt now for Poe after finding my turtle in the kitchen cabinets.

Apr 29, 2007

drinking water to stay thin...

or is it to purify... ~msp

Depression helps you disconnect from a previous lifestyle or behaviour so that you can create a new one. Why didn't anyone teach me this definition earlier in life? or make it clearer to me when I was first diagnosed with PTSD? Maybe it would make the reality of being labeled with Major Depression far less scary...

When I came across the above definition while reading "Listening to Depression," it clicked for me. When the wreck took away everything I identified and defined myself as, I was lost. I hid for a long time, years. As I started to reimerse myself into life, I felt like a wallflower. I had never been a wallflower. I started pushing my own personal limits just to be noticed. I lost sight of me.

Being labeled as someone with depression didn't have to feel like someone was beating me down. I wish I would have been educated better on depression in my youth, which is odd since I went to an all girl's high school that was constantly preaching suicide prevention. How can we prevent something if the leading cause is never defined more than as someone being sad.

Depression. Depression. 12 months ago, I couldn't even say the word depression without bursting into tears. If I had only looked at it as my brain's realization that it was in need of a reset, a change of direction...

What your name says about you

With a last name like mine, this little silly thing isn't going to tell me much...

S : Easy to fall in love with!
H : You have a very good personality, looks, and a very good kisser
E : Great in bed!
I : Great in bed.
L : Unbelievably great in bed.
A: You like to drink.

E : Great in bed!
F : You are dead sexy
F : You are dead sexy
A: You like to drink.
N: You like to drink A LOT.

Hmmm, go figure...who am I to dispute the above. Too bad, I quit drinking, because I did like it A LOT.

To Translate your own...
A: You like to drink.
B : You like people.
C : You are really silly.
D : one in a million.
E : Great in bed!
F : You are dead sexy
G : You never let people tell you what to do.
H : You have a very good personality ,looks and a very good kisser
I : Great in bed.
J : People Adore you
K : You're wild and crazy.
L : Unbelievably great in bed.
M : best kisser ever.
N: You like to drink A LOT.
O: awesome kisser.
P : You are popular with all types of people.
Q : You are a hypocrite.
R : Fuckin Crazy.(in a fun way)
S : Easy to fall in love with!
T : You're loyal to those you love
U : You are really silly.
V : You are not judgemental.
W : You are very broad minded.
X : You never let people tell you what to do.
Y : best boy/girl friend any one can ask for.
Z : Always ready.......

It is 4am; do you know where your bank is?

It is 4am on, yet, another Sunday morning where I am not sleeping. I should be, but my mind has other online banking and bill paying.

I go to log on to my credit cards first, all unavailable. Peachy! Next, I go to login to my bank...also, unavailable. Ducky! Maintenance, maintenance, maintenance. What are they afraid of??? Saturday night drunkards trying to pay bills?? (Damn the drunks; if they were smart enough to login drunk and pay their bills.) I vote that financial institutions do maintenance in the middle of the week, because I'm more likely to be asleep at 4am on weekday mornings.

I want to bank at 4am on Sunday...why don't they just let me.

I blame the bank if my bills don't autopay on time because I am locked out at the only time I'm miserable enough to look at my bills.

Apr 26, 2007

Too full of himself

I'm just really sick of Archbishop Burke and his political ways. He has ruffled my feathers and many of my generation one too many times since his move to St. Louis. He is a perfect example of someone using guilt and shame in a religion he is supposed to be growing and promoting to push a stupid political agenda that hurts noone but the innocent. He is stuck in his head and as long as he is still in St. Louis, I will not be stepping into a Catholic church in St. Louis. He is definitely the demise of the St. Louis Catholic.

This isn't Rome. Go Home BURKE!

PS. For those who are curious, I am Catholic. I was baptised Catholic. I went to a Catholic grade school and high school, even started off at a Jesuit university. I married in the church, also, by a priest who is no longer allowed to minister (but that is another long scandelous story). I know I am divorced, but the annullment process is something I've been studying and preparing for (if Burke's tenor ever ends).

Apr 25, 2007

Smiles...left with a tear

I slept 12 hrs, at least, last night and woke up this morning without worry. The downpour of rain washed away the bad feeling (for now). Alex texted too and let me know he made it over the great blue Atlantic safely. I wish I could be there, but he is probably glad I'm here and unable to call him. He contacted me though *smile*. I wonder if he realizes how much that meant.

My day went to hell though. I let work get under my skin and fester the rest of the afternoon. I hate when I allow people to frustrate me to that point. I no longer have a job or a paycheck that justifies the aggravation I felt inside. Don't get me wrong, I love my job and the people, but, Grrrrrrrrr, my career is going the wrong direction sometimes, or maybe just my pay scale. Life was without worry before. I did everything I wanted; bought everything I wanted; travelled everywhere I wanted. Now I am trapped. Trapped by the costs of therapy...trapped by huge pay cuts, so when people/work get under my skin like today, instead of being able to shake it off, I fester. The balance of before is no longer here. No incentive to shake off the frustration, because someone else just added to the dogpile.

GELATO! Thank goodness someone else has a love of ice cream. The long walk for gelato gave me some time to blow off steam. The yummy goodness of the gelato put me on the bouncy sugar high I needed...and then the lil bit of creative mayhem, my partner in crime and I created made me almost forget that I was ever pissed to begin with. Bubbly laughter, giggling at ourselves, and calling in colleagues to participate that is what I call a good day at work.

Knowing someone else understands my life is priceless. I hate discussing the realities of life sometimes because I hate to see others pain. Tonight, I could see the tear of understanding, not how I wanted to end the night, but it showed a bond. Not all friendships are brought together by the happiest aspects of life; they are just held together that way. *hugs to you*

false sense of accomplishment

Our last night hurt. I wish I could erase the majority of it. After a rollercoaster couple weeks, I thought things were coming together again. I was wrong...try as I might, I failed again. The eruption? not my fault, just a link to the past. The words that followed though pierced like a sharp knife stabbing over and over again in the chest. . . Stabbing to kill everything I've been working and praying for

and death become us?

Apr 20, 2007

Hair today. Hair tomorrow?

I have too much to write and not enough energy to write it all. I guess this is what happens when I let 2 weeks of blogging build up in my head. Grrrrrrr.

Speaking of head, my head, I have lots of hair, thick hair...I keep seeing events for the St. Baldricks foundation. The foundation's way of attracting attention to raise money for cancer awareness and research intrigues me. Basically, you post a photo of you with hair on their website, send the link to all your friends soliciting their sponsorship to shave your head. Yes, me, with long, thick locks, shaved off...just like that. Brave. Am I brave enough to shave my head? I am ready to go shave every hair off right now, but I am a little scared my hair growing out. Will I be ugly without hair? with short hair? Will it change who I am? Hmmm.

A few years ago, right after my divorce and while my 9 day old nephew was deathly ill in the PICU, I donated 10 inches of hair to Locks of Love. My mom and sister each donated hair with me. We grew out our hair together, before life turned to hell in a hand-basket, with the purpose of donating our goldie locks to an organization like Locks of Love that makes wigs for children with cancer.

The day we had our long pony tails cut off was me bargaining with God for my nephew's life. I was scared. I remember doing everything and anything good, waiting for positive news and little Gabriel to bounce back. God heard my begging and my prayers. The little guy is healthy as can be now. He just had some valves that didn't develop right away in tiny body before he popped out into the real world. Like the rest of us, he wasn't ready for this hell on the outside, but he fought and his little body caught up to the needs of the outside world. I wish I could catch up.

I was really excited about how thin the short hair made my face look. In time, though, I grew paranoid. Long hair is something to hide behind. Short hair left me feeling totally exposed. I didn't have the confidence when I walked into a room that long hair gave me. It is sad hair defines us so much. I think that is why I want to challenge myself with St. Baldrick's. I don't want my hair or clothes or shoes or make-up to affect my personality. I want to find a me that isn't dependent on the superficial and/or material. I would accept a me where the material accentuates my personality, but I can't have it define me. Shave my head? Accept the world and the strange looks I will receive? Toss out today's standards for beauty and trust that I am confident enough to stand alone, BALD?

Apr 6, 2007

Sunny mornings

Sunny mornings make me happy. I wake up on my couch, looking straight outside into the sun. I'm blinded. The cold air on my skin; the bright rays warming me ever so slightly. I stretch. I don't want to get up and face the world. I want to stay here all day. There is nothing better than this.

My head is telling me I should get up and start my day. Go to work. Still, I lay here. I think I rather lay here all day and watch the trees wave recklessly in the wind. The occasional squirrels playing games of cat and mouse, jumping tree to tree chasing each other is better than anything the TV could provide me right now. Although, work is often more entertaining than my squirrels. I dread the thought of leaving the couch and the primping necessary to take this PJ queen to publicly acceptable. Moving downtown, closer to work, will not cure this daily recurring dread. Even though I would like to think right now that moving downtown will be a cure all.

I have been laying here for hours now, enjoying the moments.

I think I am going to be late into the office, again. Sorry, Bossman.

Apr 5, 2007

More than a key...

Drinking - water to stay thin or is it to purify...
Vomiting. Rocks of scar tissue. Scars on my stomach. Scars in my mind. Scars, scars, scars. Pills I take every day. Toxic support? Chemical sanity? Help. Assistance. Annoying. Pills labeling me, reminding me I'm not ok. Something is wrong with me. I am doing everything I can to fix me, but I didn't choose this. I didn't break me. I just want to be me again (whoever that is).

But theres no - no real truce with my fury you don't have to believe me...
I hurt.
I get upset. I lash back. I am just protecting my heart.

You have - broken through my armour and I don't have an answer...

You constantly ask me questions. I want to answer you. I just can't verbalize everything that is in my head and in my heart. I wish you could understand and just feel what you've always felt. There are a lot of things I could follow this with, but I'm so confused I don't know which way to go: i guess nothing will ever be the same or all good things in time. Forward progress is mandatory in my life right now. I am just clueless as to where I'm progressing to.

I paint - the things I want to see but it don't come easy...

I am constantly trying to put aside the things that are stabbing at my heart and my sanity. I hold on to the smallest, happiest moments to remind myself how much you care and how much you did love me. Every tear wiped from my cheek, hair brushed from my face, hug where you pulled me in tighter and held me longer, reminisce about our good times...our time.

Think I'm - lost amongst the undergrowth so much so I woke up...
I open my eyes. I want to see you. Some things are clearer now. I am not perfect. I never will be. I know I have things to work on, but my heart still wants you.

But you stole the the sun from my heart...
What little was left of me, you placed in a bag in my car while I sleeping upstairs. I think someone crushed my chest when I opened my car door. Nothing was fixed that night, but the tears eventually turned to laughter and smiles, and I found my friend.

I have - Ive got to stop smiling it gives the wrong impression...

I tried to leave and not look at the remote on the counter. I tried to hug you goodbye without tearing up over the keyring in my hand, one key shy from when I entered. The last little things letting me know I still had a place in your heart...gone.

Lyrics: "You stole the sun from my heart" by the Manic Street Preachers aka MSP

Ciaran, thank you for sharing your song, even though I kinda stole it for this use. I bet your surprised I still listen. Please don't ever pull a Richey. I need all the friends I can get. ~shel~

Apr 4, 2007


Silence...I don't believe there is ever such a thing. There is always noise: the white noise of the furnace, the chirping birds, the constant thoughts running through my head, the clock on the end table ticking away each second of my life, my heart beating...SILENCE, it just does not exist.

My ears hurt.

Apr 3, 2007

Demons for Sale

Demons for sale....I thought it would be easy to type these all out as they float nonstop through my head. hmmm, guess I was wrong, because my mind has suddenly gone blank. I could blame it on the fact it is 6:15 am or the toxic smell of the 8 week old trash I finally remembered to push out to the curb for trash pick-up (things I often forget). Why does the trash guy feel the need to show up at 6:30 am to pick up the trash so that I never have the chance to remember to get mine out on time? I guess I will have to keep my demons off the market another day, damnit. So, all you demon collecting fools, please check back soon.

Apr 1, 2007

Scars are souvenirs?

Scars are souvenirs you never lose
The past is never far
Did you lose yourself somewhere out there
Did you get to be a star
And don't it make you sad to know that life
Is more than who we are
If these scars are souvenirs, what are the vomit and the tears? the-vomit-and-the-tears. Sexy, huh? Right now, I think they are the pain the scars will constantly remind me of. I hurt. I cry. I make myself hurt to the point I am sick. Why? because I have already lost myself somewhere out there. The sad thing is I am mainly only lost in my own mind. Most that know me already think of me of a star. Ok, now you are thinking I am being corny, but trust me on the fact that I don't exactly blend in. I am a stand out whether I try or not. I think that is why the verse above always strikes me when I hear it.

Lyrics from 'Name' by the Goo Goo Dolls

Mar 29, 2007

Curled up in my pillows

6:30 pm and I'm already curled up for bed. I'm out of breath. There is so much I want to accomplish, so many decisions to be made, but I sit here curled up in the pillows ready to close my eyes for the night. I did this last night too. I know the doctor says my body may need it right now, but I'm not sure if I need 12 hrs of bedtime right now, or if this is my excuse to hide from the world and put things off "'til tomorrow" again.

I was warned about surgery causing me to flop. I was worried about the 'high' from the flood at work eventually stopping and letting me down...hard. I just didn't expect the two of them along with other factors in life to all sink at once. I guess that is life for me. Both of my doctors keep telling me to slow down my body needs time to heal. I've slowed as much as I know how to, but I still feel like a slug dragging dead weights. I am making things up as I go now, not even things that necessarily make sense. I would say that is definitely my brain saying it is tired. let me rest, slow down, and let me rest.

Pushing myself to work and sleep and work and sleep, I can easily avoid other facets of life. My relationships with my family and friends are suffering most, but the relationships with those who have known me the longest are the ones that are the toughest for me to deal with. They wear me down more than working myself to point where I end up sleeping under my desk. Why is it that I struggle most with ones who have been there to support and love me the longest? Life, it is just downright scary. I have been rambling for about 15 mins now. I don't think I'm going to look back. I'm scared to. My brain is scattered. My heart is struggling. My physical body hurts. My stomach is hungry. My lungs are tight like weights are holding me down...and the one thing that I think would make me feel better is someone holding me telling me it will be ok as I close my eyes and fade to sleep (while its still daylight out).

Good night.

Mar 26, 2007

just a post

Just a post, any post, so the last post, isn't my last post on my blog right now. I need a happy post to put me in a happier mood, so I don't worry about things that are not happy right now. Do I sound insane yet? I am tired. I have a lot going on at work. I need to focus on work right now. I can't change the past and I can't make things happen. LIFE. I shall live. It shall happen. I will survive.

Hmmm, didn't exactly hit the happy note, but it isn't green.

Mar 24, 2007

Sometimes it isn't pretty being GREEN

I am in Kansas City with my 9 closest friends; yet, my head is still stuck in St. Louis. I should be totally here, worry free, enjoying the break from the hectic life in StL, but for some reason my head keeps wondering what is going on in StL. Is he moving on with someone else?

There has been a distance lately, very little communication (emails, texts, calls, IMs). Hmm. He doesn't owe me a thing by my own design. I don't expect anything, but I wonder. I let my mind wander and destroy me.

I keep telling myself it is better this way, keep working on me. Me. I hate the fact that I'm human. I see him in pain and I want to fix it. I sit here thinking about the fact that he is probably moving on. Feelings suck. Life was so much easier when I was numb to the world.

Things to erase today: jealousy

Mar 17, 2007

Rubik's Complex

Two solid weeks of work fun! Yes, I am a sick puppy, but crisis is when I shine. My adrenaline flows best when there are major puzzles to solve, or projects to do. Up until this point, my new job had been off to a pretty slow start. I was enjoying the people and the place, but the work as a whole was slow and lacking challenge. Most of the network just needed organization, which is still the case, but now there is "needed to be done yesterday" deadline. This doesn't allow for me to approach the work in an overly cautious way, nor for me to properly plan or stage things in a methodical way, but chaos is fun (I think).

The adrenaline rush hit right when I was hitting quite a low after my gall bladder surgery. I thought removing your gall bladder was supposed to help depression, not cause it. I think part of my problem was feeling very removed from my day-to-day life. Also, the pain that I did not want to admit to added to the dumpy feelings. I kept pushing myself like nothing was wrong with me so that I could return to life and all I did was make myself feel worse. Damn you, depression.

My fear, and my doctor's, now is that when things slow at work that reality will set in and my brain won't take nicely to the drop in adrenaline since it was sliding into a bit of depression again before the "great flood." I need to start taking better care of myself and remembering to take my meds on a tighter schedule, maybe that will help when things slow down. Here's to hoping.

I think I still need more sleep, as my thoughts are still jumping all over the table...back to the couch.

PS. I love you, Meags. I'm sorry I missed the annual bash, but the body needed a day of sleep, which it does not want to wake up from. I'll make it up to you, sis.

Mar 1, 2007


Just over a week after my surgery and I'm sitting in Dr. Blanke's office waiting for him to see me. I have a feeling he is not even here. I love how doctor's control our lives. The pain from the surgery is still there reminding me to slow down. I'm not super woman. I have been pushing and pushing all week and finally cracked last week. The stress, the pain, and my dysfunctional relationships are all distracting me and building up. I'm at the point I just need to rest. I am tired and depressed. I hurt. I don't want to deal with relationships. I just need someone in my life, anyone, to give me a hug and hold me and just let me be for awhile. No questions. No talking. I just need to be in safe arms being held.

Feb 21, 2007

2:20am Gall bladder-less

I'm tired as hell, but my odd functioning bladder is waking me every hour to drop 300-500 mL of fluid. What that means? I haven't a clue. I know the pain is bad. I am alone. My last shot of morphine was around midnight. This one, and the one before, was in the hip. They (the nurses) tell me these are stronger and last longer with less peaks and valleys, so far they've been correct. Although, I don't think any shot will actually be strong enough.

Well, tonight's nurse is great. She just snuck me in some pudding and jello! This is my 2nd "meal" since surgery. The first one was, in my doped up words, the best grape twin pops in the world, awesome orange jello, cranberry juice, tea (blah), chicken broth (green goo - I didn't even bother to try it), and I think that is it. Anyways, I am very grateful for the orange jello right now; the pudding is a bit thick and sweet, ick.

Feb 20, 2007

2:00pm - Minutes from the knife

Another shot of morphine, much needed relief.

9:55am - life stuck in a bed in a room

Another shot of morphine, a round of phone calls, visitors................

6:10am - Giving in...kinda

Reality of the surgery may not be setting in, but the reality for the need for help did not freak me out this time. I was in enough pain to realize that medical treatment was inevitable. Now going back to the ER, ahead of my doctor's scheduled tests took a little convincing. (I mean, I only had another 30 hrs to wait before the dr's tests were scheduled.) I have to credit my co-workers, although still very new to my life (most of them). Each and everyone is very concerned and caring...and kicked my butt to the ER:

  • Marc's big brother concerned hug and talk
  • Hans' smart remark of "I know something is wrong because Sheila has been walking around with the biggest smile ever all morning...and I'm sure it is not because she is happy"
  • Kelly, Ryan, Steve, and Danny - all trying to convince me not to eat, but to go to the ER...they would even drive me.
  • Jay mouthing from his office, "Are you OK?" as I struggled my way to the bathroom. Later, he came over to my desk and listened to my illogical ramblings and followed it up with get my ass to the hospital. Hmmm, guess my logic on why I shouldn't wasn't so convincing.
  • Amber in disbelief that I was surviving, after the removal of her own gall bladder with complications a few weeks ago. God bless her soul
  • Emily making fun of my "cute little baby steps"
  • Shaun announcing that I'm a masochist to continue to saying things to make myself laugh and put myself in even more pain that I'm already in. I think he's proud of my pain baring ways
Ohhhhhhhhhhhh, Shot 3 of morphine was injected while I was writing this and has finally kicked in. I must say even being injected through the IV, the shot hurts like a bitch. BURNS BURNS BURNS. FIRE IN MY ARM. My current nurse was nice and diluted it more to lessen the burn. STILL BURNED, DAMNIT.

FAT TUESDAY...And I'm still on mandatory fast. I am renaming today, anorexic Tuesday. As long as the buck stops here, I'm looking forward to post-operative hospital food. Mmmmmm. Yummmy.

Ok. Nappy time, again.

3:00am - Asleep like a dead dog

The fact that I will be put to sleep like an animal tomorrow and sliced open like Sunday dinner hasn't hit me, yet. Reality hasn't set in...and I am not sure I want it to.

My dreams are aware...what little I have slept has been filled with extremely vivid dreams. At one point last night, I had a being crawling out of me, tearing through my skin, chest, boobs, rib cage, with its sharp finger nails, stretching and tearing through my skin in unimaginable, horrific ways. It scares me my head creates these ideas. The whole dream was extremely disturbing with killing, incest, just a bizarre existence and behaviour.

2:35am - Hospital quiet...brain loud

The hospital is finally quiet minus the clicking of this machine measuring my IV fluid. I gave in and let the nurse give me a 2nd dose of Morphine awhile ago.

I'm not sure why I fought having the pain meds this hospital visit; i think part is the guilt of my stupid gall bladder allowing me to "imagine" an excuse to have a drink friday, two more days and I would have officially been sober for 6 months. As if I am not in enough pain, I decide to torture myself with more by not taking the pain killers offered to me, often or at all, to remind myself I am stronger than that. I do not need "pain killers" or excuses. I don't need the alcohol. Six months! I wasn't working for the timeline. I wasn't working towards a timeline. I quit drinking for me, to make me feel better and feel more alive. No more excuses and no more adding to the depression. I could have done without the friday night "liquid pain killer". My friends (co-workers) questioned me, tried to stop me, but, also, knew the severe pain I was in. It was my choice, and everyone made me think two, three, four times about it before I made my choice and took that first drink. I chose to make my mistake. I wanted to have an excuse to drink and the pain finally gave me one. The good news: it didn't kill the pain as I had hoped, nor even give me a good buzz. It disappointed me, but I am, also, glad...not getting the satisfaction I wanted will make having a drink less tempting in the future. I hope.

Another reason I avoided the pain meds is I know I can handle the pain. I have been through worse every day of the last 8 plus years due to the car wreck.

Jan 12, 2007

a blank page

I'm staring at a blank page. I've done this a lot lately even with quite a bit to say. I am just not sure where to start, what to say, or how to write it.

a new year, a new company, a new job/career, new people to meet, one of my best friends from high school re-entering my life (via work), new relationship challenges, being forced to relive nightmares, nephews-cousins-siblings growing up before my eyes, deaths, births, happy returns...and it is only twelve days into this new year of 2007.

2007....I hope is great and wonderful. Anything is better than 2006.

New company, job and co-workers...All are a breath of fresh air and bring a smile (unforced) to my face.

Relationship challenges...Well, I guess we all face these in life. I seem to be facing them more and more in life lately, both personally and professionally, with family and in "love, or the quest for it". I think the switch to Paxil and the growing more sure of myself has a lot to do with the changes and challenges. I didn't expect the challenges to grow in numbers as I became more sure of who I am now, but they are.

Nightmares...never ending nightmares. (And Meaghan, please stop rolling in the ketchup by the sandbox).

Cycles of life...again, never ending sad times and glad times balancing each other out, or one hopes. Isn't that the way it is supposed to work?

Happy returns...I recently ran into a friend I am very glad to have back in my life. We have both grown up a lot since our days together in high school, but it doesn't seem like we've been apart for 8 years. It is amazing how true friends are still that no matter what space or time separates them.

Well, there is my roll-up so far...more to come later