2:35am - Hospital quiet...brain loud

The hospital is finally quiet minus the clicking of this machine measuring my IV fluid. I gave in and let the nurse give me a 2nd dose of Morphine awhile ago.

I'm not sure why I fought having the pain meds this hospital visit; i think part is the guilt of my stupid gall bladder allowing me to "imagine" an excuse to have a drink friday, two more days and I would have officially been sober for 6 months. As if I am not in enough pain, I decide to torture myself with more by not taking the pain killers offered to me, often or at all, to remind myself I am stronger than that. I do not need "pain killers" or excuses. I don't need the alcohol. Six months! I wasn't working for the timeline. I wasn't working towards a timeline. I quit drinking for me, to make me feel better and feel more alive. No more excuses and no more adding to the depression. I could have done without the friday night "liquid pain killer". My friends (co-workers) questioned me, tried to stop me, but, also, knew the severe pain I was in. It was my choice, and everyone made me think two, three, four times about it before I made my choice and took that first drink. I chose to make my mistake. I wanted to have an excuse to drink and the pain finally gave me one. The good news: it didn't kill the pain as I had hoped, nor even give me a good buzz. It disappointed me, but I am, also, glad...not getting the satisfaction I wanted will make having a drink less tempting in the future. I hope.

Another reason I avoided the pain meds is I know I can handle the pain. I have been through worse every day of the last 8 plus years due to the car wreck.