Time's up!

....almost.

Tuesday is almost here. And so is the return to the working life for me. A month of downtime between jobs is ending along with 2006. All good things, eh? Well, maybe not too much

I hate pills

Everyone said the green fairy was bad for my life. I eventually agreed and gave it up. I think the PTSD cocktail is too. I wish I could give it up.

1. I hate taking pills
2. like the green fairy, it is a relationship killer (yet, in a different way)
3. if you take the below pills, or ever have, you just understand

GRrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Definitions
green fairy - my nickname for alcohol, borrowed from the nickname for Van Gogh's favorite drink, Absinthe
PTSD cocktail - my current prescribed meds for PTSD which are Paxil, Cymbalta, Topamax, Lyrica, and Toprol XL

I wish people could see the world through my eyes some days, especially lately.

Auntie Evil in Munchkinland

I have been slow to post lately, but I must say it is for good reasons over all. If I am not spending 24/7 at my favorite laptop-in-shambles, I am living life "like humans do".

Trent: torrent - a flow of water with great turbulence
Gabriel: God is my strength

My night as keeper of my nephews was not so bad, actually good (minus one poopy diaper), but I called in back-ups. I know what you are thinking, but I didn't wimp out on purpose. Life just happened that way. I think the big guy was looking out for my nerves and making sure I didn't rip them out in front of the little guys before they are old enough to think something of the sorts is cool.

The day started out at a family gathering in the country with lots of female cousins and 2nd cousins around the same age for the boys to torture for hours to know end...and torture they did (at least it wasn't me). Did I mention little girls shriek, A LOT? LOUDLY? Eeeik, my ears! Where's the Advil? The shrieking was all worth it when the boys both slept the whole trip back to St. Louis. Ahhhh, silence.

We arrived in St. Louis around 7pm, close to bedtime, but not close enough. Hmmm, how does Auntie Evil usually entertain herself? Mi Lupita Mexican! So, the Trent and Gabe learned the joys of Mexican too. The boys were great at first, still calm and waking up from their hour plus naps. Each pigged out on bowls of nachos, salsa, and con queso to the surprise of Mama, one of the owners, who thought it would be too spicy for my two nephews. She was impressed with their fearlessness. She even helped me teach them some Spanish which Trent happily showed off to everyone in the restaurant. After a few Spanish lessons, the boys both woofed down tacos. Note: the boys did nothing but eat all day in the country. Then, nachos. Now, tacos. As Trent was finishing up his taco, he asked Mama for honey. The child wanted honey for dessert, so she had the boys in the kitchen fix a special plate of sosapillas and ice cream up for my boys drenched in honey and cinnamon. Ewww, Messy! The boys were no longer sitting still as they ate dessert. Needless to say everything was getting sticky and Auntie Evil was getting anxious. OCD doesn't like sticky, especially sticky everywhere. Alex, one of the waiters, helped clean the boys, who quickly escaped the confines of the table and promptly took charge of the restaurant. To my luck, most of the patrons were leaving, which gave the boys a chance to play while I quickly fixed Mama's laptop (plagued with spyware and running really slow). Well, the boys ran circles screaming at the top of their lungs, round and round the restaurant. The kitchen boys decided to join in a game of hide-n-seek with them kidnapping Gabe and hiding him from Trent. After a good 20 minutes of hysterical screaming and laughing, Trent had enough of the boys keeping his baby brother away from him and stopped dead center and screamed at the top of his lungs, "GIVE ME BACK MY BROTHER!" At that point, I decided 10:30 was a good time to take leave and put my two worn out boys to bed.

Gabe woke up once in the middle of the night not sure where he was and ended up sleeping the night on my chest. Awwwwwwww.

And I and the 2 lil ones survived.

PS. I swear I still smell that poopy diaper

Wow, 10 days plus

Yes, I guess after 10 days I would be in demand. You haven't missed much....just my life ;-p

I will give you a brief run down of the exciting and not so exciting 10 days that I have been absent from writing. To be honest, I have been OK, a little lost in life, but okay.

Well, the evening I last wrote I went to a party in a loft downtown on Washington. The party was to celebrate the end of the season for St. Louis' own Aussie rules Football team, the St. Louis Blues. What? You didn't know St. Louis had an Aussie rules Footy team? Well you better come check them out next season. Better yet, I suggest you sponsor them too!!! Tell them Sheila sent you! It is a great fast moving sport to watch. If you love American football, you'll love this fast paced, hard hitting game. Look, Ma, no pads!

While I was partying with the boys and Aussie girls, some jerks thought it would be a good idea to shred my driver's side door and break into my car. Then, they ransacked the inside, not leaving a single nook and cranny unturned including the trunk. The undesirables did not really take much of value from the inside of car, the value they took was all from the car itself. I now have to crawl across my passenger's seat to get in and out of my car. I can tell you this is not fun when you have a wrap around dash. Priority one this week will be to get my car repaired as soon as possible.

Saturday was "nephew night". I think I will give the boys their own post.

Sunday was another disappointing loss for the Rams to the Chiefs. Can I say that it really sucks when you see that much red in the seats at a home game! I can't believe so many home-towners sold out like that and let the "folk" (that is the only nice word I could think of) from KC take over OUR dome. I would like to say though. The 50 or so regular PSL holders since 95 in my section were all present and accounted for and stayed til the very last second of the game cheering and jeering and wondering how the hell we are going to whip our Rams into shape!

Monday - Arrived at work at 8:45am. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 10:45am still at work . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 12:30pm still at work . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 3:30pm still at work . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 7:55pm still at work . . . . . . . . . . . 10:25pm still at work . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 12:35am still at work . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .3:10am still at work . . . . . . . . . . . . . 5:40am still at work . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Tuesday - Still at work at 8:45am but headed home to sleep

Wednesday - Just another day I survived

Thursday - Sleep =))

Friday - =)) Sleep ..... Then, I went to the airport to find out all flights to Chicago have been cancelled, just my luck. My one big trip to visit my friend, Geoff-geoff, and see Cowboy Mouth at House of Blues gets screwed up. No flights rescheduled til Saturday night. Bummer

Saturday - =)) Regrouped =))

Sunday - Went to my sister's Home and Garden Party - spent more $$, but bought lots of cute things. Oh, more stuff to fill my already overstuffed place. I need a decorator. If you are one, please volunteer to make sense of all my cute things I keep addictively over buying.

Monday - Now - just more time I have survived with a smile on my face and a kick-step in my walk.

For those who were worried about my absense, I apologize.

Sleepover at Auntie Evil's?

What was I thinking when I agreed to keep my nephews (ages 2 and 4 years of age) overnight this coming Saturday? I love the boys to death (in short quantities and when they are sleeping), but alone in my house with responsibility for 18 or more hours? Sounds scary to me.

I'm not worried about my house. The house is fairly child-proof. My sanity, however, is not. The good point here is I have only seen the boys lately in large groups of family not one-on-one, at all. Hopefully, the angelic darlings, who think Auntie Evil is there favorite, will be the ones who come home with me on Saturday. If not, please send in support. I don't drink anymore and will need some sort of back-up and my parent are out for the night. :((

I haven't watched the boys together, ever. I watched Trent quite a bit before Gabe was born and never again since. Hmmm. I'm not even sure Gabe likes Auntie Evil except when big brother is trying to butter her up for something good. This should be an interesting night.

What was the dog in Peter Pan? Nana? I'm not sure Chili-dog can live up to Nana status but I may put him up to the test this weekend.

Who will I be tomorrow

I can't quite put a finger on things lately. "Things" being my state of mind or how I'm feeling about life in general. I guess this status quo sort of frame of mind is good, but it, also, leaves me feeling a little numb or lost feeling. Is this who I am turning into or going to be? If so, this is boring as hell...or maybe, it is not, and I just need to settle a bit. I, just, today am starting to feel more unsure about "things".

There has been no changes in the prescriptions for awhile so I guess my lil' brain has finally found and settled in a content, drug-induced state. Good or bad, I am not sure, just in a constant which is better than all the ups and downs I had for awhile. I like rollercoasters, but everyday, every hour, of my life is a bit much to ride one. Where do I find my middle ground? My happy place?

Numb is just as exhausting as the whirlwind rollercoaster ride. I need to wake up. I've napped long enough. I feel like I'm missing something and/or someone. I'm 30. I said I was going to make it different this decade. I just need to figure out how and where to start. Suggestions are welcome.

a day of depression...

A friend of mine asked me a couple of weeks ago what it feels like when I am depressed. It is not something easily put to words, but here is what I wrote:

• a hug is needed to pull me in tight, hold me forever, and swing me side to side
  
• i can't smile because every muscle in my face feels like a dead weight
• it hurts to move my body out of the fetal position
• everything causes a tear in my eye
• a drive down the road isn't just drive down the road...i think about driving off the edge of turns or what if I get hit around this next bend, will it hurt, will I die
• if i die, who will be at my funeral
• there are so many thoughts in my head I can't concentrate on any one long enough to make sense of just one of them
  
• i wonder if there will ever be enough time, money, love to put my life back together again
• i feel bad towards my dog that i'm his owner, that he may be better off dead and maybe I should have it put down
• i could sleep forever and never feel like i ever have enough
• taking a shower seems like a major undertaking that doesn't seem possible, but not taking one makes me feel even worse and even more dirty and anxious
• i feel like i am starving but nothing sounds good even though my insides feel like they are imploding
  
• when I do decided to eat, I eat something that awful for and binge terribly on it

It may just sound like a bad day, but think of a lot of endless bad days with a lot of forced fronts and acts that you put on towards those around you so they don't see your pain (depression). Ahh, another point: You feel the need to put on an act around everyone you know well, an act of happiness and strength, even though your world is caving in.

Luckily, my bad days are far and few between lately. Hopefully, I will keep them that way. My plan is to keep them kissed away with my twenties.

The Numb

My dreams lately have been plagued by what some may call nightmares; dead people, crashes, fatal crashes all around me filling the moments my eyes drift shut. I wander through them, waiting for the end to come, for it to finally to stop happening, and to be cleared. The night before last though, I found a little girl when I was wandering. I stopped and entertained her while the accidents were all being dealt with around us. Her and I were in our own little bubble, numb to the blood and chaos surrounding us. Is this me? Am I finally becoming numb to my biggest fear?

Something true is never lost

I'm still flying high from one of the best weekends of my life. I think I could write an entire book about 24 hrs of my life. It was simply amazing how it has affected me and how great I feel. I don't think anything could take this sense of self and happiness away from me.

Friday night, the whirl wind weekend began. I went up to The Phoenix, a local bar, where my friends' band, The Real Me, was playing and my outlaw (ex-MIL), Sharon, was celebrating her birthday. All my ex-in-laws and associated friends were there dancing and having a great time. It was great to see so many faces from the past. And, of course, Chris and Lisa were there. Tonight was different though. Instead of Lisa and I dancing the night away like we always do and Chris occassionally joining in. It was Chris and I dancing...kinda like old times. A nice remembrance for my 30th birthday weekend. I didn't speak. I listened. He told it would be ok. I have made it this far on my own. Thirty would be better...and he is still there for me. He said it may not seem like it sometimes, but he is still one of my best friends. He is not going anywhere. He still loves me and will take care of me. I am safe. In my place in life, even from my ex-husband, that is all I need to hear....from him, the most sometimes, it is exactly what I need to hear. Letting go of Chris was/is hard for me. He was the person who new me best, who still knows me best. He knows my weaknesses. He knows the real me.

We both know we were not meant to be married to each other, but friendship is a definite. Neither one of us would be who we are without the other. Ten years is hard to replace. Ten years together can never be replaced, nor do I ever want it to be. I smile knowing he doesn't either. I can't ever replace my first love, or one of my best friends.

Isn't that right, Chris!



PS. Not only did I keep Chris in my life, he has found and given me a great friend in his girlfriend, Lisa. I may sound like a broken record but she is one of the most caring and fun people I have every met. She is just as important in my life now as Chris is (more so sometimes)...gotta stand by that girl-power. Love you, Lisa!

Written 10/18/2006

Living like a daisy...

A few weeks ago, I bought daisies for all the girls in the office, to cheer us up from a really crappy, busy week. There are only 4 of us, including myself, so it is no big deal. Mine are still here, mostly alive. Every couple of days, I trim the stems, add a dab of sprite, and top off the water.

The daisies are the bold-colored ones (lime, hot pink, orange, electric blue, purple, and yellow). Now who wouldn't be happy looking at bright, colored, wide open daisies sitting in front of them??? (Naysayers: shush your mouths now, it is a happy day)

My daisies are showing signs of future wilt and fading more every day, but I still smile every time they catch my eyes. The petals, and their bright colors, reaching straight out; the reminder to stretch out and enjoy what is left of their life...and mine, who knows how much is left, but they still reach, grabbing for more...still living for it, enjoying it. Every day I am realizing, like the daisies are reminding me, I need crawl out of this shadow and go back to me, stand out for all to see, as much as possible, show all my colors, and crafts, and prove that I can stand on my own and do it for myself. I'm ready to be cut free. I may wilt at times, but, hey, isn't that a reminder to go out and play in the water???

My last day could have been 8 yrs ago, then again it could be 80 years from now. Lord, help me, it won't be that long off. It shouldn't take much to be happy in life: a little trimmin', a dab of sprite, and a topper of water???....just look at the daisies.

29 plus 1

A new age has begun...and I have not been happier in a long time. I know I haven't had much to say lately but with my new age, I have turned over a new mood...HAPPINESS. Watch out, World, here is a smile you were not ready for. Despite some things in life that may not be going my way at the moment, I am feeling pretty invincible. Twenty-nine dealt me a rough hand and I'm not going to let thirty do the same. This decade I will be in control.

Look for more writing. I have a lot to say. I even think I might start sharing a pic here and there for the strangers in the dark to get to know me a bit. One step at a time though, can't do it all at once.

And to my new friend, Erin, hang in there. I've had a busy weekend, but I'm still here for you ;)

Put on a Happy Face

OK, I'm going to try and forget yesterday existed. I'm up early (for me). I'm thinking happy thoughts. 5 days until the big 3-0. Yippee. The girls and I are going to go fru-fru it up before the big bash at the oh-so classy biker bar! There are daisies on my desk at work. Today will be a good day....I hope.

PS. Does anyone else out there use Charter internet? Do you get booted constantly at night in the wee hours? Does Charter not understand that not everyone uses the internet during the day??? This crap is getting on my nerves...oops...HAPPY THOUGHTS

Deep Breathes til Tomorrow

I'm on such a sick rollercoaster of emotions right now. The ones I want to be having and the ones I'm experiencing...to tell you the truth sometimes I don't know which are which anymore. Do I want to be happy, stressed, freaked out, jumping with excitement????? The stress is here, deep in my chest drowning my lungs and fighting my heart. The pressure has been gone most of the time lately, but not today. Today it lingers.

It feels like I'm sitting at the bottom of a pool. I'm holding my breath. The pressure is getting harder and harder on my chest, but I stay under unable to get the air I know I need. My heart is beating harder and harder against my breast plate to the point I can feel my pulse throughout my entire body. I can't make it go away. It won't slow down. I feel like my heart wants to escape the confines of my chest. My body is asking too much of it. I hear my heart beat in my ears as if it is being amplified by water....

Another Pain in the...

The fuzziness never leaves some mornings when I wake up. I wake up, rub my eyes, stumble to the backdoor to let Chili-dog out, never quite gaining my balance. I stand in the shower with halos floating across my eyes wondering if this sick sensation will ever just leave me alone.

The hot water of the shower just seems to encourage the halos. Sitting on the floor of the stall, shivering, wishing it would either just paralyze me so I could go back to bed or go away so I could go on with life. I hate this medium...I am aggravated, but noone knows it is bothering. No one can feel the numbness in my fingers or the halos in my eyes, I have to carry on. They can't understand, or maybe they can, maybe this is normal.

I guess I wonder if I'm broken and how I need to be fixed. I don't feel right. I don't feel like living like this. I just want to be alone. The numbness starts to strangle me. I feel like I have a large fist around my neck clamping tight constricting my air flow. Then, suddenly, all the numbness disappears, but is replaced by a sharp pain in my head. The migraine. My foe. It has been awhile, but he attacks with avengence again.

This is my birthday week. I just want to be happy, but the world and work is determined to plot against me every way possible :(( =(

30 years minus a week

I remember thinking when I was younger I would never live this long. I thought for sure I would die before I would reach my twenties. Now I sit here, a week from my 30th birthday wondering, "Now what?"

I would ask for a map for my birthday, but I already have several (and they are never in my car where I really could use them). Although, I am sure the road maps I own right now have their purposes, I am not sure they would provide me the direction I am currently looking for. I am scared, for one, to change directions. And secondly, I'm not quite sure I know where I want to go. If I ever change directions, is it ok to do so blindly? I made it this far without a plan...I never thought I would make it this far in life. I guess now is as good time as ever to hit reset and try it all again. No marriage. No children (just some furballs). Just me, and me alone.

Stay tuned...

I'm back from my little KC adventure, where I caught up on sleep, time with "my boys", bonding with Emily, and Fish-isms. I have lots to share and misquote, so if someone plays with meat in a box that explodes, please do not take it the wrong way....because we already did.

Check back late tonight for a full KC update.

Chow Mien for now.

Bummed

Sometimes I can't be the accomodating one...I'm always the accomodating one.

I worked until 7pm last night. I add that up to about 30 hours too many. I know this is not the fault of my friends, but my plans were set over a month ago. I suggested they join me and the others the minute they mentioned we get together tonight, but no, not good enough.

One couple is in town with a big announcement from San Diego; the other is recently engaged, in St. Louis. Both couples include two of my best friends from high school. It is tough to the point of tears for me not just agreeing to just blow off my other plans and meet the four of them...and catch up with the others as I have time, but I am tired and frustrated. I am sure the four of them think I am unreasonable because I am single and just a lonely singleton who won't just agree to their plans...but I just can't do it any more. I really think I might crack with any additional stress this week.

The week has been really long and I cannot handle any changes right now. I just want to stick with the plan in my head and go with it. I am really tired. I know the drive to Westport. I know the restaurant/bar, Trainwreck, well, so all the comfort zones are there. If I go somewhere new, I won't be at ease and my night will be pretty much spent with me feeling tight as rubber bands because I am some place new and unfamiliar. As it is, I am not sure how I will do with the group as a whole anyways. Becky is ok, because it is Becky and I see her and talk to her all the time. The others don't sit in my everyday zone, so I don't know how at ease or not I will be with them all. It is hard to say and think that someone I am so close to can seem so distant to me at times, but that is Social Anxiety disorder for you, compliments of PTSD. I want to say it is better, but every time I do I get put back into a situation like last Friday where I feel super out of place and just want to leave. Hmmm. The devils. As it is, I won't be able to eat tonight wherever I go, so I, at least, want to go somewhere where I won't feel like should be chewing Zantac instead of bubblegum. I just wish they could understand, but then, again, I don't wish these constant feelings on anyone. I may seem fine, but I'M A FREAK and a overall happy one at that if I get my way tonight. Therefore, I am going to the Trainwreck and not drinking a drop and singing my out-of-tune butt off to Loud Mouth Soup.....And if that doesn't make you cover your ears and die laughing, nothing will. I'll be the one with droopy tired eyes, molesting the guys on stage because I can, not because I want to or they want me to. Have a great evening. Cheers.

3:30 am - Still at work

Now I wish I had my pillow and my snuggly "looks like I killed Pooh" blanket. Oh, I wish I had socks, too. My feet are cold working in the server room. Today, I hate servers. I don't think I get paid enough to like the metal beasts anymore. Maybe I will make nice and give back all the hardware I have robbed from the poor thing in the morning, if it is nice. Wow, I am losing it now.

I think my blog is losing all direction and purpose the last two weeks. I think my lack of sleep has something to do with that. I think I feel a responsibility to write even though I have nothing of purpose or of meaning to share. Therefore, I rant and ramble.

5:15 am - Still at work
I'll probably still be in trouble today too, still be told that I'm not putting in enough effort or hours. Hmm, what have I been doing with my life for the last 2-3 weeks? I had thought doing nothing but worrying over work, but obviously I was wrong once again. Sleepy, emotional frustration, ugh. K, enough whining, server is back up.

6:53 am - Still at work and crunch time begins
Co-workers will start arriving in about 30 mins and email is still down. Do I curl up in a lil ball and start screaming like Just Jack now or save my breath for those who will appreciate the laugh and Just Jack humor? Hopefully, I will get this fixed before 8 so that I can sneak out for a Starbuck Chai tea...or better yet, I should call a co-worker and see if I can plan the pity I've been here all night will you please bring me Starbuck's card. The latter sounds like a better plan. I forgot to call the ex-husband to have him stop in and take care of my dog, so I have to implement plan B and catch the neighbor boy on his way out of bed whenever that may be.

6:58 am - Server still loading updates
Time for more tea. Caffeine holes in stomach are good, right? Plan A for kissing butt with co-workers: make pots of coffee so everyone has hot cup upon arrival. Ahhh, I'm soooo bright!

7:14 am - Server is rebooting, yet, again
Two pots of regular coffee are already made, one pot decaf on its way...and I don't even drink the crap. Now if I were really good I would go line up their coffee mugs in the kitchen and pour it as they walked in, but that would be pushing it, even for sweet, little, ol' slap, happy me.

7:39 am - Email is still down
And I get no damn appreciation for the coffee, just crabbing about the email. I can't wait for the beating from the bossmen.

Can I curl up and cry now?

Today was tough and in 10 minutes I can finally put it all behind me and start anew. The bad part is...I am still sitting at work. I am taking a quick break with a cup of hot tea to warm up. Burrrrr, it is cold here.

I didn't sleep last night due to migraine. I should've just gave in and drove myself to the hospital, but I always think if I can just wait it out just a little bit longer I will fall asleep and sleep it off. Nope. Nada.

Fast forward to noonish...I sit down at my desk. The owner of my company asks if I have time to talk, of course, I do. Let me just say the talk was not a good one, it was one of those where I wonder if I will have a job next week. The talk, also, caused the throbbing in my head to grow. If I could only go home and disappear. I felt so alone and isolated today. I couldn't talk to anyone about how awful I was feeling for fear I would break down in tears, nor was work really the place to talk about work. I've only been out of here for an hour since 12:30 today, not good.

Alex's day was about the same, which makes me wonder what the moon looks like outside tonight. Hmmm? By the time I hung up the phone with Alex though, I did have a smile on my face, so kudos to Alex. Also, a gold star to Dr. DD for making me leave with a smile as usual too. I needed the extra pats on the back today.

I, also, need to apologize to Jason "you let me shave your head" Jason. Happy Birthday! and I'm sorry I missed your party tonight.

Happy Birthday Jason!
You may look like Uncle Fester
But you always take care of my car like a wise old Yoda
Happy Birthday, Baldy!
I owe you a few!!!!!!

A theory on life lately...

I have been so balled up and worried about how others and their actions towards me are affecting my life that I haven't paid as much attention to taking control of my life. I need to put an end to people forcing life upon me. I am not weak. I should not let them intimidate me or make me weak. I don't think this is the entire problem, but a place to start evaluating and correcting.

This weekend was rough. I spent a lot of time alone and curled up on the couch sleeping. Life has me very drained again. Work is the number one break in life. Add to that a few changes in the personal life equals Sheila not sleeping well. I can't keep surviving this way. I have a permanent persisting headache today. I know it is stress, just pounding away telling me to just go home and sleep. The other crap will still be there when I wake up in a few days, mental health needs to come first...too bad the bossman wouldn't understand. I wish I could work as many days straight as I wanted to and just take weekends when I needed them and then a few more days a time. Ahhh, if only I ran the world.

Ok...off to do something like lay on the couch and vege now.

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BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEPPPPP!

I just wanted to say a big thank you to Mary Leonard on a terrific job on her article yesterday in the St. Louis Post Dispatch. Everyone should take a few minutes out today and read it. Here is a link, and, of course, it features a bit about me and my blog, so please check it out. Mary was a delight to talk to and I hope to hear from her again, even if it is not for an article. She really is a fascinating person to speak with. Thanks again, Mary, and best of luck.

Rewind: Friday night band gig

I survived the band gig Friday night. I tried to make myself feel better about going by actually primping beforehand instead of the 5 min. touch-up before walking out the door, but I don't think it helped too terribly much. Although, my new shirt was a hit. I bought it at Hot Topic, this week, a store I normally do not step into, but I wanted something dark and limit-pushing and where else do you go, except a teenie bopper store. Anyways, the shirt reads, "I'm not crazy, I just do bad things when I don't get my meds". Perfect for a girl on a bunch of crazy meds right now, huh? I figure I have to do anything I can right now to keep my mood up; and funny tshirts about being evil are my norm...so I expanded a little, what's wrong with that?

I think edgy is my new word, because it seems to best describe my current state of being lately, EDGY. I think Alex was the only one who caught on to how off I was feeling Friday night until I went to leave and Karen asked me if I was OK. Then, she asked if I was drinking or thinking about drinking. I told her the latter, that is why I was leaving. I explained the full situation to her about not wanting to be there and she let me leave without anymore questions. I love band-mom. I was very concerned about Alex getting home though. He was pretty lit, but insisted he had it under control. I trust the other guys wouldn't let him do something stupid and left it to them, because I really needed to get out. I just couldn't stay there any longer. I felt just very edgy and closed in on there. I bet you are wondering what was the problem. Hmm. How can I explain this... I will have to find a way to do this PC and dance around a few of the topics.

Alex brought Jill out for the first time to meet the "group". Did I mention Jill and I went to high school together? Welcome to St. Louis! Mike, also, showed up. It was a nice surprise. Our schedules hadn't jived for 3-4 weeks now it seems like. And I was ending another stressful work week and still not drinking and happily not doing so, I think. Gail and Cindy were there too. They left without saying goodbye. I even dance with Marissa (by choice) Weird night. Changes. Changes.

Possum Kingdom didn't make it better for me either (of course, it didn't come true).

AAA - All about Alex

Happy 31st Birthday, Alex!
and
Congratulations on the big birthday present
on getting your divorce finalized yesterday.
I hope this year brings you lots
of wonderful new beginnings and big smiles.
You deserve every little bit of happiness in your new future.

Thank you for being the friend I can always count on.
I know you are always there
with constant and unending support.
You are my window and, often, my mirror too.
May all your wishes come true.

...and everything changes

I have survived over a month without my covenanted green fairy (alcohol for the newbies). I've been doing great and feeling great about it. If there will ever be a challenge of my will tonight will be it. My cousin, Jager, has been calling my name all day.

In my head, I think of the people who keep congratulating me on quitting and who keep hugging me telling me how proud they are. Then, I think about how much easier the things going through my head would be to take with a little relaxing help from cousin Jager or uncle Tequila. Answers there are, ask Yoda!

This week has been so challenging and today just made it even worse. The results being exactly as I expected and had been preparing myself for all week. The depression side of things has made an ugly appearance again. The lonely feeling that no one will ever be able to fill, the deep dark hole. The pit in my stomach is making it hard to eat and drink. The dark hole/pit just consumes every moment making me feel so alone, which I am. I am.

I can't wait until my trip next weekend to KC. A whole weekend road trip with the guys to go see Emily, Rev. Joe and Tracy. A weekend surrounded 24/7 by friends, no escaping, no cancelling (they will carry me out kicking and screaming if they need to). It is good to have friends. I need to go see Geoff-geoff too. He just needs to send a ticket so I can't cancel on him either (hint, hint, Geoff, Marc/Lynne/Mike, etc).

Back to the title, I feel today is the official beginning of a some changes in some of my friendships. I hope I'm wrong, but only time will tell.

....sad, so sad. It was bad, so bad. It was sad when the great ship went down.

TGIF

It is Friday. Yippee!

It is 5am. Ugh.

Today, I am going to find a friend to hug and hang out with tonight, and a great big cup of Chai tea for breakfast (after the big weigh-in party at work). Wow, do I know how to plan a Friday, or what?

Anyway, here is to survival and to smiles!...and to a better end to a bad week.

PS. I saw armadillo buttons at the store last night. I wanted to buy them, but what now could I possibly put armadillo buttons on? hmmm

It's back

The pain that someone you love just hurt you deeply. A best friend abandoned you. You ran over the cute little gray bunny. They died and left you behind. She is know longer there for you when you need her most. The pain that you just can't do it all on your own. The overwhelming pain. The one that reminds you that you are alone. You are in charge of you...and your house, and your dog, and your car, and going to work, and, and, and....

Setbacks. Reminders. I'm not fixed yet. I can't do it alone.

Setbacks? or fears?

I get so close. Yet, when I do really well, I get scared that people think I am cured. They think I don't need any help or support or concern. I start to feel abandoned and alone. Fear.

The overwhelming out-of-place sensation at work is encouraging the above, I think...maybe. Work the last 3 weeks has definitely put me on edge. I need to climb back on my rock and gain a little ground.

My evils: It is hard to say if PTSD is feeding the edginess at work right now or vice-versa, but either way both are shredding my insides. I just want to sleep. I've resorted back to little blue pill called Lunesta.

Woke up on the wrong side of the bed

Err, couch (since I haven't slept in a bed since only who knows when).

I think I should have just stayed in bed this morning. When I showered (the place where I do way too much thinking), I started over thinking yesterday's events. Yesterday was not the best of days, but ended ok with a little meditating and spoil me shopping (more on that later tonight when I unpack the bags from the backseat of my car and see how much damage I really did to my bank account). Work still has me edgy. I have a lot of work with several quick commitment dates which I don't think can be pushed back despite the world falling apart in the server room (typical for the IT world). The project management team has, also, become extremely needy this week because it is a patch week. Anytime it is patch week, they push all their customer stuff that I can handle back on me, because they are overwhelmed with documentation. Normally, I don't mind picking up the slack, but now I have a boss man (besides the owner who likes that I cover their backs). This new world isn't working well for me, at the moment. I'm not sure if it is a matter of adjustment or just not a good fit. The lack of sleep is just making the entire situation worse. I really just need a mental health day curled up in a ball where no one can find me (not even the ones I want to find me).........................

Actually, I don't think it is just work. I think it just everything, everyone; work just happened to kick it all off. I would like to go in the woods where no one can find me, hike up a bluff, feel the cool fall air against my face, the warmth of the sun warm my body, and just find a quiet place to sit and watch the world go on without me.

I haven't had any days like this for awhile, but I am just really edgy. I just don't feel like me. I still have a lot in my head I haven't been able to put to paper or to blog. Usually music helps me unclog my head when I get blocked, but I've had my iPod glued to me and it isn't helping me expell the needed mess. I keep looking over at my picture of Yoda telling me "Answers there are". "Where?" I ask. "Where?" I'm about ready to wipe that silly smirk off his face too, but I can't (I wear the same smirk almost daily). Maybe he is where I got it from....the childhood screening of Star Wars in the theater. I remember seeing two movies in the theater, Star Wars and Care Bears, when I was little. Answers there are seems to have taken me farther in life than the Care Bear stare, no offense to the Care Bears. One thing for the Care Bears though, everything ended perfectly. I think I could use one of those Care Bear hugs and endings right now. Anything...I just want to put my mind at ease from the chaos.

Midday iPod-itation

Well, when I just logged in I realised blogger ate one of my posts from last night. Hopefully, it is still on my laptop screen at home (keep your fingers crossed). Last night was a tough evening on me and I had a bit to say/share.

On to today... My afternoons are spent either glued to my desk working on numerous projects/servers/clients or in the server with my friendly iPod keeping me entertained with a wide variety of music. Last week, when I was updating my iPod with the latest and greatest I could find to download, I found some guided Zen meditations and, also, some meditation music. PERFECT, I thought. My doctor has been reminding me to meditate to help with my anxiety and other PTSD related conditions/issues. I really want to , but I have a hard time separating my lazy self from the couch to sit down and actually meditate. When I do find the time though, I feel very alert and rejuvenated. I really need to meditate more often.

Well, this morning I went to my normal tuesday appointment. The doctor and I were discussing my new meditations and how I was excited to find something to download and carry with me on my iPod everywhere I go. And not only that, I actually had used the new meditations a couple times, a small start, but a start.

I may have an iPod and I may use it daily, but I'm not a freak who sets up playlists nonstop. In fact, I don't have any playlist. I just hit shuffle everytime I turn it on. Therefore this afternoon when I hit shuffle and was sitting here doing the most monotonous work and a meditation came on, I started to hit skip. Then, I looked at the time....6 mins. I could take 6 mins out of my work day to meditate; and so I did. The meditation was perfect. A meditation on the heart. I had a very frustration night last night and was carrying around a lot of resentment. This meditation was about making choices and letting go of the resentment and the bad stuff we have piling up inside and making those middle choices in life. Perfect. I couldn't think of a better way to spend 6 mins and clear my mind and my resentment toward the person causing me the most pain at the moment. Random meditations in my playlist, who would've ever known. And to think of all the laughs I had about it earlier today at therapy. The doc is going to have fun with this on Thursday.

Which way to the door?

Six in the evening, I didn't know whether to scream or to cry. The server from hell decided to drop 2 out of 3 hard drives when I went to take it down to replace the bad hard drive, which put me in dire straights for the 2nd time in two weeks.

My stress and sleep levels couldn't take anymore of this. I just wanted to give up. I wasn't ready to do an all nighter again. I still needed to catch up on sleep from last week and let my mind recoup from the stress. I went into the server room and stared at the server blankly for a few minutes not sure where to start, just lost to the world. My brain did not want to turn on and work in hardware mode. My poor little head just wanted to go home and relax and write. I had planned an evening of exercise and writing and TV, not stressing in an ice box of a server room.

Thankfully Geoff-geoff called and jokingly inquired about when I was moving into his condo in Chicago. He let me know he had just washed the sheets so now would be a good time; and with the current stress at work, it sounds good to me. He said he just needed to go ring shopping because his Mom didn't want any girls living at his house unless he was engaged to them. Hey, hey, I'll have to keep that in mind. I'll always have Chicago and Geoff-geoff to lift my spirits on my bad days and to marry me if I get desperate. Finally, Geoff had to go and I went back to attack the work at hand with a little better attitude and a lot more fight in me.

So much for that freaking fru-fru manicure I paid waaaaaay to much for on Saturday, as soon as I opened the server I was back to the scratched-up, chipped-up nails that normally wears a mouthy, anti-priss chick like myself (and Brambles Beth wherever she is hiding).

PS. I, also, owe a bit of thanks to Tony G. and Marc for smart ass support. Crap like that is what keeps me going on nights that I just want to throw in the towel and give up. Thanks guys. I am not sure if it was dropping the server or kicking the hard drive that fixed the problem, but, hey, all is good now.

What do you mean, "How am I going to party?"

My 30th birthday is one month from today; and approximately one month ago I quit drinking. At first, I was very confused and uneasy. Alcohol helped me deal with people and anxiety. It helped bring out the old me everyone expected. The problem was alcohol, also, helped me lose sight of the post accident Sheila, the girl who is still figuring out who she is now.

Anyways, back to my birthday...my friends and I were out to dinner earlier this week and someone asked, "How are you going to party?" to my statement of "I'm not going to drink at my birthday party either. I QUIT drinking, which means I don't take a time-out and drink on my birthday."

I let the question go at the time, but when I got home I couldn't let the question go. How was I going to party at my birthday? What fun is it going to be if I don't drink? No shots? Uh? I had a lot to figure out in the next few weeks. Can I have fun without drinking? Is there a substitute? Should I take a break for just one night? Do I want that depressed hell the next day? I am 30 only once afterall.....hmmmm.

My blog is so pretty, oh so pretty...

if blogs can be pretty...in a turtle-like way.

I have been blogging for about 3 months now and thought it was time to be a bit adventurous and try to get away from the boring green and white and add a little color to go with my turtle shell like title. If the colors scare you, speak now. If the colors are burning your eyes out, look away!!!! If you don't, plan to be tortured until I am bored enough to care about colors or you have no eyes left (whichever comes first). Blogging is for writing, not for the mirror, mirror, on the wall, I'm the fru-fru-est pretty blog of them all crap.

My goal here was to write something of sustenance tonight but, hmmm, that did not happen. I have a lot to write and share. My head is on overload. I've had a very screwed up sleep schedule the last 7-10 days and my blogging has been just as bad. I hope to improve both this weekend before the clutter in my brain causes my hippocampus to start getting mushy again. Me and my hippo....can't ever get ahead, Damn.

Sweet dreams (of me) for now.

Touched by Two Warmths

One point after all came to rest I realized that my hand was wet and pressed against my soaking wet warm abdomen. My breathing was very defined, my hands trembled, my mind was trying to take in all that was going on around me and decipher the wet hand. The one thing my mind did know was it didn't want to look downwards. I kept looking forward and at the boys apologizing to me. They kept saying, "I'm soo sorry, I'm sooo sorry." And I in return said, "It's OK, just calm down." Yet, I couldn't get a normal breath. I still did not look around. I did not turn my head. I didn't realize Chris was unconscious. I didn't know what the warm dampness in my lap and on my hand was. For those brief seconds. I was just lost in it all. Trying to catch up to the time passing before me and slowly gaze downward into my hand and realize I was not bleeding the wet warmth in my lap and on my hand was not red. What was it? I glanced around and saw an upside-down can of Sprite...just Sprite. I let a breath out. I must have been holding my breath. I finally realize Chris was not responsive "Chris, baby, Chris." Oh no, oh my God, NOOOOO, NOOOOOOOOOO! His eyes were rolled back in his head. He was leaned in toward me. Blood was flowing down the farside of his face into and out of his ear. OUT OF HIS EAR. GOD, Please don't let him be dead. GOD GOD GOD. "Chris, baby, CHRIS, WAKE UP." "GO GET HELP, CALL 911! HE's NOT CONSCIOUS" "CHRIS, IT's SHEILA. It's Sheila".....................

The paramedics lifted up the stretcher and started wheeling me down the hill past the crowd of strangers. I could feel every bump and rock on the road. My head was pulsating so bad. Why did they tape my head down so tight. I just wanted to cry. I was so confused. I wanted my shoes off. My hands and arms had a strange numb tingly feeling. All these people are staring at me, wondering what caused our accident that closed the road for so long down...probably wondering how bad our injuries were. Then, suddenly, I heard her. She was crying, but, at least, it was someone I knew. It was Sharon, my soon to be mother-in-law. I didn't want her to cry. I didn't want to upset her. Chris and I would be OK. We would. She didn't need to get upset. Someone needed to tell her we were alright. Why was she crying? Chris was talking now (not sensible, but talking). Where is she? I hear her. Next, I saw Cheri, a friend's wife, holding someone. It was Sharon. Sharon reached out and grabbed my toe. She was shaking and bawling. I started crying again too. Gasping for air, I watched her do the same. Finally, she spoke, "Sheila-baby, I love you. You know that, right. I love you." Warmth filled my body. I was going to be her daughter-in-law next year and she just told me she loved me for the first time. It was going to be OK. She knew it too.

I have a lot to say

I just don't know how to say it right now.

Sept 11th - Sept 12th (reason for my PTSD)
Overworking - Undersleeping - Avoidance
Lack of Me time
which equals lack of brain to hand translation
an 8 yr post accident blog is now overdue
and stuck in my head
life is also stuck til I relieve myself of it

the bright-side, i called someone to tell them how their words at the scene of the accident have comforted me everyday for 8 years now. simple but life saving. i'm glad she knows. i'll stop now before this tear pops out. hopefully, what i really need to blog about will find an escape from my tortured brain and share itself with you.

What did I do this weekend?

• Work around the clock all weekend (critical server down)
• Get hyped on caffeine
• Skip and slide up and down the halls of the office (Tom Cruise in his younger years has nothing on me)
• Put up signs all over the place, reminding my co-workers they could improve their toilet, kitchen, printer, etc, etc, habits (can you tell i'm truly bored and delirious yet) I might go check out the guys urinals next

Example from the office fridge, which smells like a cross between tuna and the mildewed rag underneath the dirty dishes that have been sitting in my sink for the last two weeks (where are those damn cleaning fairies):

Opening the fridge
and inhaling the first
overwhelming whiff,
I’m guessing all the lovely
Styrofoam packaged items
contain exotic Delicacies,
and not rotten food
which you are saving for
little Dick and Jane’s
science fair projects.

Please clean out your trash
so my fresh food
doesn’t smell
like your rotten crap.

I’ll give you until ….well, let’s just say
you better do it quick.
This sleepless delirium is causing a purging spree.

Thank you for your timely cooperation,
~the keeper of things needed to be kept~

OK, back to work for a bit. I'm sure I'll be back soon after I find something new and annoying and deliriously stupid to talk to you and myself about.

Lyrica - I feel like singing

Ok, I started a new med this week: Lyrica . I don't know if it is my crazy ear ache or the lovely Lyrica, but I'm feeling weird at the moment. Yes, I know I'm already weird, but this is like a dizzy weird, like I shouldn't have to work today weird.

I feel like I just drank 6 fish bowl Margaritas and my foot is trying to find the floor to make everything stop spinning. And to make things worse the "sanity test" is still in progress at work, so the constant beeping isn't helping anything. How can I feel drunk when I haven't had a drink in almost a month??? Lord, help me.

I've felt in this weird mood all day. In a way, it is confusing and distancing, but in another way it is freeing and fun. I have been skipping through the hallways in the office. I even decided to come into work late because maybe the "sanity test" isn't as fun for everyone as I initially thought so I went and bought ear plugs and noise eliminating head sets for everyone. That's right, just call me Santa Claus. Nothing like Christmas in September....I figured if they already are selling Christmas crap in department stores I can start giving Christmas gifts (since I definitely won't remember co-workers come Christmas time). Ho, Ho, Ho, Merry Christmas now, Probably BAAAAH Humbug come then.

Maybe this is just the adjusting period to Lyrica. I believe it is still a relatively new drug and maybe that is the reason I can't find good information on it like I normally do on the pills I take. Just call me a druggie. Druggie.

OK, I've been rambling long enough. Time for me to plot my escape from work.

'Til later, my compadres!

Listen hear, Do what you are told!!!

*Stepping up on my soap box*

Ladies and gentlemen, smartie pants nephews, and any one else who might come across this....

If someone suggests or tells you to do something, the person acting in authority is doing so usually in your best interest, SO LISTEN TO THEM NOW.

When a doctor prescribes a bunch of drugs, take the damn things even if you hate taking pills. For instance, I hate taking pills and sometimes I may not think the little devils are doing a damn thing anymore (but usually I am wrong (I know, can you believe it, me? wrong?) and I don't realize it until I miss a dose accidently). Right now I am taking what seems like a million pills every day for my PTSD and resulting conditions (Cymbalta, Lexapro, Toprol XL, Lyrica, Topamax, Disulfiram, Ovcon and occassionally Lunesta and Allegra) This little life saving cocktail is helping me improve my life everyday. I have never felt this good in the last 8 years, so guess what? The doctor knows better than I do when he said take a handful of damn little throat chokers several times a day (maybe not exactly in those words, but you get the point =)).

Or maybe when Mom tells you not to touch the car keys and to stop jumping around in the car, she means it. She doesn't really mean for you to nab the keys and put them in the ignition...And maybe turn the said keys in the ignition and put the van in reverse, promptly backing it into a tree while Mom is trying to strap 2 toddlers into the back seat. Hmmm, wrecking Mom's van when you are 4 does not bode well for future driving lessons (in 10 years or more). Trent, buddy, I say don't go anywhere near car keys for a very long time. I love you to death but wrecking mommy's car is not the way to become a big boy. You need to be good so Gabe can learn to be like you (except the smart mouth and wrecking cars part).

I'm sure there are a lot more examples to learn from out there right now but give people a chance, don't be so full of yourself all the time. People are trying to help you not have to make mistakes. They usually have already made the mistakes and want you to learn from them so you don't have to suffer to. OPEN YOUR EARS and your hearts. You'll be glad you did in the end. It is worth millions. Not everyone is right, but then again neither are you. Take a chance, listen to a friend, a teacher, doctor, co-worker, parent, sibling, or even a stranger, it is amazing what you can learn when you listen to another.

A Plug for my friend, Shaun's, Sis's Cookbook

From Shaun (former The Real Me bass player):

Hey everybody. The cookbook that I contributed some of my short stories is available now on Amazon. My sister Jeanne did the recipes, Brother Dane created the artwork, Brother Grant edited it and I wrote about ten short stories about family trips and old memories. Please let all of our friends know about it. There is a link on the Merchandise page of my web site. Here is the Amazon link too. Shaun

Christmas will be here before you know and if you are like me, you don't have a clue what to buy anyone....why not order a case of cookbooks, easy to drop in giftbags and hand out to all those people who give you gifts that you didn't have a clue you were supposed to buy for. Ahh, the life of a singleton gift giver.

Testing one's sanity

Beep, beep, beep

That is the lovely noise echoing throughout my workplace today, thanks to one my critical servers failing. Since the server was working, I left it up even though the controller card was testing the sanity level of the rest of my co-workers. Personally, I just found my noise-reduction headphones and didn't hear a single beep. Meanwhile, my co-workers were walking around severely frazzled. I don't think I have ever been so entertained at work.

To make things even better, the alarm company showed up after lunch to test the alarms. The frazzled over-caffeinated beings went to super shaky on the edge of sanity within minutes of the fire alarms starting. I must say I wish I had my camera today. I think I was the only one thinking clearly.

Beep, beep, beep

PS. The good news (besides making my co-workers crazy today) is that I got to order a new server due to arrive Thursday. New toys! Yippee!

Reality Bites

Living in the now can be a scary awakening. This year I've been scared of the past, scared of the future, and terrified of the now. There never seems to be enough time for me to take it all in and find a place to process all the thoughts in my head. I have a million "plans" for my future, but as the ideas hit I do not have enough time to absorb or research the thoughts as deeply as I would like.

I guess the initial thought here is I finally have plans. For so long I was terrified to try something new, terrified of failing. I velieve I can handle failure better now, I think. I could research almost anything to death or evaluate the same things over and over again. My problem is I don't get paid right now for research. To get a paycheck, my job demands that I work on IT stuff. Bummer.

There are not enough hours in my world to absorb the now. I feel like healing from the PTSD has been a whirl-wind tour. It took 7.5 yrs to create this mess and in 7 months now I've already made significant changes to improve my quality of life and not let the PTSD own quite as much of my world anymore. Hopefully, soon it will not own any of my world. We will see.

The past. Will I ever really be able to put the past behind me? Therapy has been great for me to understand the hows and whys of my life better. Each session has allowed me to put things in a better place and to rest. The past is done, behind me. I need to be done with it, too. Easier said than done. Done, done, done. The past created me, but I can't let it own me. Yet, I dwell on things I can no longer change and that no longer influence my future. I'm hoarding the past. I hide from everyone that I still do, but I remember so many bad things and I cannot let them go. This is where PTSD still owns me.

Suicide

This is a topic I'm not sure I ever really want to post, but the reality is I need to. It is not an action I contemplate now, but did in the past. My attempts were obviously, and thankfully, unsuccessful, but they did occur. The negative side is that my cries for help were unheard and useless in getting me the help I needed. Yet, I survive; and I live.

I hate to admit it, but add me up as another girl's school statistic. As much as they preach to one attending an all girl's school about depression, getting help, and signs of suicide, pride prevents you from accepting the fact you are falling victim to such an evil; and not wanting to betray your closest friends prevents you from helping others that show the tell-tale signs. When I hear people speak of wanting to go back and relive their teenage years, I cringe. Teenage life is not easy, filled with confusing lessons of trust, friendship, peer pressure, and survival.

People act shocked by suicide, talking about how selfish, what were they thinking? One, it is a cry out for attention, you aren't thinking about others feelings. You are only thinking about your own overwhelming feelings and how you need another to notice yours. You need help, but you don't want to be a burden...hence the act. And thinking? You are thinking you can't do it anymore. You feel helpless, scared, lost, and confused. Your thinking is very muddled and desperate. You need help to sort your thoughts out, but that help never seems to come. You spiral so far down til there is no place left to go...you have nothing left but to beckon on the end.

This blog scares me more than any other. I'm worried about my family and friends' reactions to my writing and sharing the above. I'm not proud of my actions years ago, not that I should be, but I feel the need to put the above into words and so I can put another chapter behind me. The other side, of my family and friends' reactions I worry about, is embarrassing them, but it was my reality. I can't deny that or hide it any more. Hiding it will just let it happen to someone else...and I've already known too many who have taken their own. Why do I worry about embarrassing them? Shouldn't I be more embarrassed and ashamed of myself? or is it OK to accept this as my past since I no longer contemplate repeating, just remember. Remembering now and hopefully some day forgetting.

Coincidence has it that when I wrote most of this last night I was unaware that today there would be a dedication of a park bench and tree at Wilmore Park to a family friend who unexpectedly took his own life this past December.

Have I mentioned lately

Have I mentioned lately how great my ex-husband's girlfriend, Lisa, is? Not only did she invite me out for girl's night last night, when I didn't show or call, she followed up with phone calls today to make sure I was ok.

Life is queer sometimes. I have found a great friend in Lisa. It is very comforting knowing I have another great person looking out for me when times gets tough. She is, also, a great time out on the dance floor, or anywhere I end up with her.

Keep on rockin' girl!

Van Gogh'ing it

I am on day 5 of a stupid ear infection (probably swimmer's ear). No, Mom, I have not been to the GP Dr. because I personally feel 2 inches tall everytime I go in to see the man. So, here I suffer. I used to get a lot of ear infections and bouts of swimmer's ear in my early 20s, but I've suffered little with ear problems in the last few years til now. Damnit.

At this moment, I totally understand why Van Gogh lopped the damn thing off. I'm sure his ear was swollen like a golf ball trailing down his jaw line like mine and the only sure sign of relief was to cut it off and eliminate the source of pain. Although, I'm not quite sure the Van Gogh-look will help me in the looks and dating departments. However, it will give me a chance to wear all these unmatched earrings I have, since I constantly seem to lose just one of each pair I own.

This, also, may be the dog gods way of punishing me. My golden retriever, Chili, suffers constantly from ear infections and ulcers. No matter how much TLC I give him the damn things are constantly a bother to him. Right now, I'm feeling incredibly guilty and hoping to find away to clear us both up this weekend (even it is taking a bit of advice from my trusty Van Gogh).

JUST MAKE IT GO AWAY!!!!!

Out of nowhere

A friend from my past suddenly appeared on my screen last night. Someone who has always held a very deep place in my heart and not for obvious reasons. He is someone I met at a turning point in my life and provided a lot of support when I needed it most.

Rrrr has one of the most comforting voices I know. His voice alone would assure me things would be ok. Granted, we met at turning points in both our lives when life seemed most complicated. Still, there was a comfort knowing someone was out there (thinking of me, worrying about me, and feeling the same pains in life and love) made my very existence better.

Rrrr is romantic dreamer. He was a big influence to me, always made me think a little deeper and realize the many passions in our lives. He encouraged me to explore them and not to always let the easy or practical roads lead us away from our true happiness. I learned I have many passions that should be expressed, not hidden away from the light of day. As I climb out of this shell and explore, I tend to be more true to myself, able to express myself without doubt or worry and gain appreciation, support, and love.

Rrrr has one of those devilish smiles when he is up to no good, just the thought of it makes me laugh. Laugh at the good times and the trouble the two of us could/can get ourselves into...and probably still could, should our paths cross more often.

Rrrr, also, shows an enormous amount of concern for the mental and the physical being. He reminds me both need to be taken care of. He was dead right when he encouraged me to work out, eat well, and sleep. It is amazing how when you take care of the physical, the mental improves too.

These are just a few of the great memories and lessons Rrrr has given me. Hopefully, they will continue. Hearing from him definitely let me end my day with a smile filled with lots of great memories. Too bad all days cannot end that way.

Trading Mud for Tears

My sister called me Monday morning. My Schnoodle, Guinness, is living with her at the moment. I was a little concerned when I saw her name on the caller ID and even more concerned when I heard her exasperated, "Hello".

Meags: I lost your dog
me: It is OK. What happened? and how long has he been gone? (thinking to myself of how to best handle the situation when I was already late for work)
Meags: but I went looking for him and found him
me: OK, are you alright? is he OK?
Meags: Yeah, but he put me through hell and I was supposed to be taking Abby (our cousin) to school, so Mom had to do it. She didn't want to hear the story so you have to listen to this...
me: Ok (thinking about last time she said this and told me about the Opossums)
Meags: Well, I didn't know where he went and I was looking all over the back yard in just my bra and dress pants. Then, I thought he might have gotten out front so I ran out the front gate right as a truck full of guys drove by and I'm standing in my front yard in my bra yelling, "GUINNESS". I probably gave them an interesting start to their morning.
me: I can only imagine they were not too disappointed, hun.
Meags: Then, realizing I was in my bra I jumped in my car and grabbed an extra shirt out of the back and put it on and thought I should drive over to Grant's Trail (right behind her house) to look for him. Well, I pulled up to the trail entrance and these guys are looking at me funny running in heels down the trail. I ran yelling for Guinness for over a mile when I spied him jumping in and out of a mud puddle and rolling around in it. When he saw me he started to dart the other direction and I was soo exhausted I just plopped down on the ground and started crying knowing I couldn't catch up to him running. Well, I guess that is what he needed. He came running back to me and crawled in my lap rubbing against me trying to make me feel better. All he managed to do was make me feel muddy. He covered my clothes, hair and face in mud, so much for showering.

After sitting there for a bit, I decided to carry him back to the car. For such a little dog, he got really heavy fast after just running so far for him. My back starting hurting and I was ready to collapse again and I had nothing to walk him with. I finally figured I was covered in mud already and it would be easier to walk barefoot with him. As I took off my heels, I got the bright idea of linking the straps together and around his collar to walk him with. By the time I got back to my car the guys I passed earlier were laughing hysterically at me covered in mud and walking Guinness with my high heels. I'm sure I was quite a sight for them.

I pulled a Sheila

Geoff is keeping me very entertained today with his crabby, hungover mood, and constant calls for assistance.

Evidently, Geoff "pulled a Sheila" last night and is paying the price today. And while being in such a lovely condition, he decided loading up his new laptop with the necessary software and drivers is a good idea. I'm not so convinced being that I am his personal help desk technician, who he doesn't pay crap to put up with his attitude while providing great support. (LoL, feel the love, Geoff-geoff, feel the love)

Geoff and I met a few years back and the first time we went out, it was, of course, a drinking adventure. With our love of Vodka and the lack of things to do in Springfield, IL, we went on a pub crawl, drinking a Vodka-tonic or two at each of our stops. The last of our stops of the day landed us in a nice little corner bar where the bartender would hand-stuff the bleu cheese olives. (For all of you that just went Ewwwww, I'm right there with you.) Geoff happens to love a good vodka on the rocks garnished with a few bleu-cheese stuffed olives; he, also, believes that everyone else should love them too. I can tell you he is wrong in this belief (and now I think he finally agrees with me). Being the good sport I am, I tried one of Geoff's olives knowing I have never cared for the taste of olives or bleu-cheese. I managed to swallow without gagging the putrid thing back up and promptly washed it down with another vodka on the rocks.

After bantering for awhile about baseball and which team is better the Cards or the Cubs and placing a few wagers on the season's final outcomes. Geoff and I decided we drank more than our share of vodka for the day and maybe it was time for a break for a bit before dinner. Off to the hotel room we went, Geoff, unfortunately, beat me into the bathroom. While waiting my turn, I kicked back in the bed only to realize I was too drunk to lay down. My world started spinning and I couldn't get the legendary trick of the foot on the floor before I started hurling all over the bed and floor and eventually blacking out.

Waking up hours later in the bathtub, I realized Geoff was talking to my Mom of all people on the phone. First question out of my mouth is "Why is my mother calling you?" and then, hearing the concerned conversation I start blurting out, "I'm fine, Mom...just acted stupid and drank too much." Then, I had to explain to her, my sister, my ex-husband, and my friend, Jack that I was OK...and, no, they did not know Geoff, but I was completely safe...and, no, I will not tell you where I am...and, no, you cannot come and get me. UGH.

Needless to say, that was the night "pulling a Sheila" was coined. Anytime, Geoff or anyone he knows drinks to much into a puking oblivion, I get called and told about who "pulled a Sheila" this time. I'm glad I made my mark in history, or not.

Reflection

Life awards us every once in a great while with people who help us find ourselves. Some people are windows that allow us to open up and really see ourselves. Other people are mirrors whom we see ourselves in. These windows and mirrors are of different sizes and shapes with very different purposes. The compacts help us sneak a quick peek in when we need that reassurance; and the dressing mirrors help us put ourselves together and look good. The broken mirrors remind us noone is perfect; the broken windows let little surprises in that we normally keep at bay. The big windows allow us to open up and let in a nice breeze when we need cooling down. Then, there are the windows that allow the sun to shine through, warm our hearts, and light up our souls. Lastly, there are the bay windows that remind us to take time out and steal a moment for ourselves or even sometimes invite friends to sit down and share memories.

Surviving 50 Effan Years

Happy Birthday, Pops!

There is much to say, but few words that will give my thoughts justice. I'm just glad to know you are always there looking out for me, in one way or another. Hopefully, the next thirty years will bring you and I double the stories and great times of the last thirty.

Congratulations on 50 years
and here is to many more to come! Cheers!

I love you!

So close, yet, so far away

My life is brilliant...

She smiled at me on the subway
She was with another man
I won't lose no sleep on that
because I've got a plan...
I'm very content with life at the moment. I'm not too worried about the future for I'm realizing, in time, all things will work out, but which things? Hmmm, that is a question neither you or I know the answer of at the moment.

...we shared a moment that will last til the end...
I have a lot of faith in people, almost too much. This faith in people often leads to disappointment. I feel like that could happen again soon because I realized I was putting a lot of myself and my faith into someone that probably is not capable of returning it in the same capacity and may not ever. The tough part is letting go of someone who is quickly becoming such a cherished part of my life, but I think it will hurt less this way. I feel if I continue on the path I've been on with this person I'll end up disappointed in myself for once again jumping in head first, instead of dipping my toe in to test the waters first.
...I don't know what to do because but I'll never be with you...

I feel attachment to very few people. The ones I do feel the bond with make life seem pretty lonely when they are not around, which seems to be more than they are around. This is mainly my fault though. I never want to be looked at as needy by my friends. I love them all and don't want to be a bother, just a great friend. I am probably completely off in my thought of my friends thinking of me as needy. I tend to be the force behind the distance which sometimes seperates us due to me not wanting them to see me when I don't have life "together".

I tend to be very intuitive when it comes to other's needs and feelings. I guess I just assume everyone is this way. As I experience more and more people, I am realizing very few people are are naturally intuitive. I am not sure if this is a gift or a curse. Although, this time my intuition is saying hang in there, experience is saying cut loose now.

It's time to face the truth because I'll never be with you

lyrics: You're Beautiful by James Blunt

PS. My feet feel like they are housing rocks. I think I need a pedicure.

Selfish or Sense of Self

Why is it that I always have the need to accommodate others before myself? I rather make others happy and put my own feelings aside. I never want to be perceived as selfish or even be put at fault for making the wrong choice. I like being a responsible and take charge person, but the fear of the above has often caused an inner conflict: should I make things happen? or should I attempt pleasing everyone (the impossible task, but one I take on daily).

Where do we want to eat? Simple question, but one of the biggest dilemmas I face when out with a group. I might be craving something but unless i know for a fact others will want the same I will stay silent and make someone else choose. I'm afraid of choosing wrong, even if circumstances lead to something happening out of my control. If I made the choice I will feel guilty. There is the damn guilt thing again.

Last night, I was the designated driver, probably a long term position due to my abstaining from the so-called evil world of alcohol. Being in a bar with everyone drinking was a tough test for me. What made it worse was being responsible for 2 of the drunks there. Damn the drunks. I became very agitated quickly on Saturday. I think a shot or two would have put me at ease, but, instead, I was hyping up with Axiom Blues, another Red Bull-like drink. Just what I needed, caffeine, to add to the agitation that was building up inside me. My patience was fairly good despite my insides eating at me. I really needed to leave and take comfort away from the rowdy, loud drunks and numerous drinks scattered around me, but the drunks of the night are never the ones that want to leave the bar, especially before it closes. I should know, I've been the drunk of the night quite often the last few years, never wanting to miss a thing.

When I finally escaped the smokey bar scene, my aggitation didn't go away. It continued to grow worse as the night went on, stealing away the sleep I badly needed. Why you ask? I was still in a position of being responsible for another. I know it is awful, especially since I've been the drunk who has relied on others to take responsibility for me the last few years. I worry and to put myself at ease I will follow my point of concern in circles just to make sure they will be ok. I can't handle guilt if something should ever happen. Paranoia still lurks about me, but just not with the severity of the past.

I think it will be awhile before I will find a place of contentment in the bar scene or the drunk friend scene. Things I found highly amusing a few weeks ago are now churning my insides, begging for a way out of the situation. I know time will give me additional patience and comfort to allow me to enjoy the great times out with my friends and repay them for all the drunk-care they have provided to me in the past. I'm just not there, yet, but soon, very soon.

'Til then, let us all raise our glasses of water....Cheers!

It's not you, it's me?

I'm writing today not only my own personal experience and feelings, but from the stories and understandings of my many male friends, who often consider me just one of the guys. (I still haven't decided if that is a good or bad thing)

There is a common occurrence in dating many women, and sometimes men, do not understand. The lack of understanding adds to the cluelessness of what really causes men to "tick" and leads them into the circumstances of such occurrences. I hear about it repetitively from male-types I associate with. Such occurrences are very common in the movies too, but I rarely can say, as a female, I am often the perpetrator. I know you are wondering what this occurrence is and here is the really tough part to explain (partly because many of my readers are men and God bless you guys). Well, here goes nothing...

There is the situation where everything is going fine or status quo in a relationship. Then, for no particular reason, you wake up one day and realize I'm done. I am ready to pull out of this relationship. There is not an explainable reason. There is nothing wrong with the other party involved, no problems between the two of you. You just hit the point that you are finished with the relationship.

People have this need for justification, an exact reason. Some times life is not that simple, especially relationships. You can love a person, but not have that drive to keep things going. Relationships in my mind are draining (friendships, dating, family, etc.). I think one is sub-consciencely aware of a drain or lack of spark before one's self can fully interpret and justify an ending or change. I believe some people are just more willing to act on the sub-conscience edginess in a relationship and make the change without that one infamous reason, or last straw. And in these situations, no answer is ever really going to put one at peace. When it is over, it is over. When a change needs to be made, make it. Prolonging the inevitable is a guilty self-torture which is totally unnecessary.

Guilt: Being responsible for and accountable for an offense or (in my words) a torture device abused by modern society

Blogging at 3am

I've started about 6 posts over the last week that I have not posted for one reason or another. Some posts are left drafts because I am not ready for the world to view and others are to protect feelings (mine or other people's), one thing I said I wouldn't do with this blog. I started this anonymously to get things out of my head. I think I will continue in this direction, just not so anonymous anymore.

As therapy for PTSD, I started writing in a journal. This is great and all, but for a girl who is always on a computer everywhere she goes, I found blogging a better outlet for the noise in my head. For one, I'm always connected to the internet and, two, it just doesn't seem practical for a tech-girl like me to carry a big purse to fit a journal. I do not want to be viewed as a girly-girl afterall. (Hmm, I should really rethink that statement because I use it often while wearing heels and long hair everywhere I go.) Let's rephrase that, I do not want to be viewed as a high maintenance fru-fru girl who is always fussing about clothes, makeup, etc.

As my blog started to take on a little life and represent me. I started emailing my blog to different people in my life to test the waters and see if I would scare them away or where my thoughts would take others. I was very cautious and slow with sharing with one trusted group at a time....

1. Friends with distance - I am blessed with many friends. This trusted group of friends are people that do not have the history or day-to-day understanding of my life. Most of these connections run very deep, even more so now because they have stepped up at a time when I needed them most. Each of the chosen few received this link from me. I didn't ask for feedback, but knew them all of the minds to explore. Hours after forwarding the link the feedback was positive, understanding, and encouraging. This small groups encouragement is really what led to me showing my blog to anyone else.
2. Immediate family - I don't feel most of my family understands what I am going through or even a small fraction of what I feel most of the time. I was hoping this would provide them a portal, should they choose to explore. The link they have, the feedback I have not.
3. Like beings - People who I feel I relate to on different intelligence and higher emotional levels that the average person would not even take notice of or understand
4. Dearest friends - I found my peers as one of the most difficult groups to share with, next to family. I know my friends love me endlessly but sometimes it is hard to let them know you are weak, or maybe not as strong or as independent as you hope they were perceiving you.

I am starting to believe some of the people "closest to me" either are scared to comment, do not know what to say, scared to read it....or blatantly just haven't taken the time.

In the end, I guess, I know this is for me and my health. I have actually enjoyed the peace blogging brings to me.

Pleasure sometimes is a rare thing for me. For years, many things in life have been a forced smile or happiness. This time it is for real.

It is 4am, do you know where your blog is?

11 hours and 34 dead Armadillos...POP

I missed Becky's birthday today, but she was swamped with family things (and to swamp myself in the same way I spent the day with my Aunt Sis (Harleen) and her daughter, Mary Jo.
Actually, most of the day was spent in the car with my aunt. We drove from Farmington, MO to Springfield, MO to get Mary Jo settled into her dorm room for her first year at college. Exciting Stuff, huh?

I decided to go along for the trip to get in some quality time with my aunt who has always seemed to look out for me and to play the role of the big sister Mary Jo never wanted. I may have overplayed the role of big sister and overprotective parent a little...or maybe, a lot. I don't think my aunt was able to speak two words with me spouting out wisdom like I've experienced life unlike no other she'll cross paths with.

I doubt Mary Jo was listening to half of what I said, but even if she caught one little bit, she will experience one less trial and, with that, not have to learn any more lessons than needed the hard way.

We've all been there. Those first days, months, years on our own where we are terrible at laundry, dishes, money, boys (oh man, boys) etc. And after we survive, we try to share our experiences with our siblings and/or children, but they don't want to hear it, What do WE know anyways, we're old now. I laugh when an 18 year old thinks I'm old. I'm twenty-nine freaking years old! I'm not dead in the box yet, give me a break.

In my head, it was only yesterday when my parents and I were fighting over packing boxes to move my skinny butt out and off to college (Boy, that didn't last long). I did pretty good with the money aspect and even with keeping the boys in check (minus a toga party or two), after those two, my track record goes downhill quickly. I may not have been the worst, but I definitely could've done better. I'm either a perfectionist or far from perfection. I am not good with middle of the road average.

I think I ran out of clean dishes somewhere around the middle of Sept. '95. I don't think I saw them clean again until my Mom came to visit at the end of October and decided to wash and replace everything with paper products.

The other thing I was awful about was going to class, unless they could promise me something of interest I rather stay in bed. Osmosis and sleep are way better than showering, dressing and lecture hall, just make sure you are there on test days.

Speaking of showering...Oh my, Mary Jo doesn't know how lucky she is to be in a suite with just 6 girls in her "gross" bathroom. I had a shared one for the whole floor and it seemed like it was 100 years old. Icky and slimey were understatements. The only good time to shower was after midnight or no later than 6am, if you wanted hot water and water pressure at the same time. Being that I have long thick hair and can't stand cold showers, 6am it was, because listening to girls heave while you are trying to bath at midnight is not such a cleansing feeling. Are those chunks coming under the stall?

Survival of the fittest? Freshman 10, 15, 20??? The other thing I reminded Mary Jo of was loneliness and food does not cure it. I hooked her up with all sorts of snacks, but warned her that they were there to get her thru when she didn't have time to eat or needed a late night nutritional burst, not to get through a rough day in the dorm, fights with roommates or failing that first test because this isn't high school anymore.

I'm pretty sure she'll do great. She is a tough cookie, like myself. Her weaknesses will be that she will try to be too strong and proud at times. One of my hardest lessons learned was letting people in: to know I was sad, lonely, or just needed help. The next ten years will be some of the best and worst of times for her. Luckily the bad times, just make the good times that much better. She is beginning and I'm at the opposite end of those ten years trying to put myself together for the rest of my life. I kinda feel like we are in the same place, I just have a few more of the hard knocks under my belt. Maybe that is why I feel so strongly of trying to relate sooooo many lessons to her. I love her as much as my own sister (which she is) and want her to succeed. We all deserve it.

Now I'm guessing you wonder why I titled this 11 hours and 34 dead armadillos. Well, I spent 11 hours on the road Sunday from StL to Farmington to Springfield to Farmington to StL and counted 34 dead armadillos on the road. My aunt and I didn't hit any of the little guys, but from what we understand when they get scared they pop straight up as a defense mechanism. Then, SPLAT, right into the grill or bumper of your car. I only found one on hwy 67. Most of the little guys were in multiple degrees of decapitation along hwy 44 headed EASTBOUND. I guess they've had enough of ol' georgie and texas too. Can't blame them, I would just advise more caution hiking up the highways though ;)

Happy Birthday, Becky!

"HAPPY 29th BIRTHDAY, BECKY"
You soon to be old married hag!
Enjoy this last year of the life
as a 20-something singleton
because it all changes next year.
Married. 30s. Mrs. Rob...
Oh my, sounds scary to me.
Who ever thought we'd get past
our UA days
of red plaid skirts and cardigans?
(get your minds out of the gutter, boys)
Congratulations on your engagement
and
Happy Birthday, Sweets!
I would sing,
but you know I save that for our
"special moments".
Luv ya!

Tailspin

Speed
Sliding round curves
Out of control
Scared out of my mind
Trees reaching to steal my soul
My stomach turning inside out
I've lost all my resolve

It doesn't make any sense
How did I fall all apart
I told them, "I don't drink any more"

They said, "You don't drink any less"

Now I'm down on my knees
I've fallen again

I cry for help
I scream out for forgiveness
I wish he could hear
If only he were near
Just to help put back the pieces
To help push away the fear
To have him hold me against him
For me to smell him again

I'm sitting here shaking
For what am I to do
Lost in this time

Again, lost in this place

the taste
the feel
the loss of control
the innocence it begs steal
I can't keep ending up here
Destroying what is left of me

I can't keep gathering up the pieces

I am running out of glue
I don't want to be broken anymore

Please help me seal up the cracks

and fulfill my need to be whole

by SHE 2006