Bummed

Sometimes I can't be the accomodating one...I'm always the accomodating one.

I worked until 7pm last night. I add that up to about 30 hours too many. I know this is not the fault of my friends, but my plans were set over a month ago. I suggested they join me and the others the minute they mentioned we get together tonight, but no, not good enough.

One couple is in town with a big announcement from San Diego; the other is recently engaged, in St. Louis. Both couples include two of my best friends from high school. It is tough to the point of tears for me not just agreeing to just blow off my other plans and meet the four of them...and catch up with the others as I have time, but I am tired and frustrated. I am sure the four of them think I am unreasonable because I am single and just a lonely singleton who won't just agree to their plans...but I just can't do it any more. I really think I might crack with any additional stress this week.

The week has been really long and I cannot handle any changes right now. I just want to stick with the plan in my head and go with it. I am really tired. I know the drive to Westport. I know the restaurant/bar, Trainwreck, well, so all the comfort zones are there. If I go somewhere new, I won't be at ease and my night will be pretty much spent with me feeling tight as rubber bands because I am some place new and unfamiliar. As it is, I am not sure how I will do with the group as a whole anyways. Becky is ok, because it is Becky and I see her and talk to her all the time. The others don't sit in my everyday zone, so I don't know how at ease or not I will be with them all. It is hard to say and think that someone I am so close to can seem so distant to me at times, but that is Social Anxiety disorder for you, compliments of PTSD. I want to say it is better, but every time I do I get put back into a situation like last Friday where I feel super out of place and just want to leave. Hmmm. The devils. As it is, I won't be able to eat tonight wherever I go, so I, at least, want to go somewhere where I won't feel like should be chewing Zantac instead of bubblegum. I just wish they could understand, but then, again, I don't wish these constant feelings on anyone. I may seem fine, but I'M A FREAK and a overall happy one at that if I get my way tonight. Therefore, I am going to the Trainwreck and not drinking a drop and singing my out-of-tune butt off to Loud Mouth Soup.....And if that doesn't make you cover your ears and die laughing, nothing will. I'll be the one with droopy tired eyes, molesting the guys on stage because I can, not because I want to or they want me to. Have a great evening. Cheers.

3:30 am - Still at work

Now I wish I had my pillow and my snuggly "looks like I killed Pooh" blanket. Oh, I wish I had socks, too. My feet are cold working in the server room. Today, I hate servers. I don't think I get paid enough to like the metal beasts anymore. Maybe I will make nice and give back all the hardware I have robbed from the poor thing in the morning, if it is nice. Wow, I am losing it now.

I think my blog is losing all direction and purpose the last two weeks. I think my lack of sleep has something to do with that. I think I feel a responsibility to write even though I have nothing of purpose or of meaning to share. Therefore, I rant and ramble.

5:15 am - Still at work
I'll probably still be in trouble today too, still be told that I'm not putting in enough effort or hours. Hmm, what have I been doing with my life for the last 2-3 weeks? I had thought doing nothing but worrying over work, but obviously I was wrong once again. Sleepy, emotional frustration, ugh. K, enough whining, server is back up.

6:53 am - Still at work and crunch time begins
Co-workers will start arriving in about 30 mins and email is still down. Do I curl up in a lil ball and start screaming like Just Jack now or save my breath for those who will appreciate the laugh and Just Jack humor? Hopefully, I will get this fixed before 8 so that I can sneak out for a Starbuck Chai tea...or better yet, I should call a co-worker and see if I can plan the pity I've been here all night will you please bring me Starbuck's card. The latter sounds like a better plan. I forgot to call the ex-husband to have him stop in and take care of my dog, so I have to implement plan B and catch the neighbor boy on his way out of bed whenever that may be.

6:58 am - Server still loading updates
Time for more tea. Caffeine holes in stomach are good, right? Plan A for kissing butt with co-workers: make pots of coffee so everyone has hot cup upon arrival. Ahhh, I'm soooo bright!

7:14 am - Server is rebooting, yet, again
Two pots of regular coffee are already made, one pot decaf on its way...and I don't even drink the crap. Now if I were really good I would go line up their coffee mugs in the kitchen and pour it as they walked in, but that would be pushing it, even for sweet, little, ol' slap, happy me.

7:39 am - Email is still down
And I get no damn appreciation for the coffee, just crabbing about the email. I can't wait for the beating from the bossmen.

Can I curl up and cry now?

Today was tough and in 10 minutes I can finally put it all behind me and start anew. The bad part is...I am still sitting at work. I am taking a quick break with a cup of hot tea to warm up. Burrrrr, it is cold here.

I didn't sleep last night due to migraine. I should've just gave in and drove myself to the hospital, but I always think if I can just wait it out just a little bit longer I will fall asleep and sleep it off. Nope. Nada.

Fast forward to noonish...I sit down at my desk. The owner of my company asks if I have time to talk, of course, I do. Let me just say the talk was not a good one, it was one of those where I wonder if I will have a job next week. The talk, also, caused the throbbing in my head to grow. If I could only go home and disappear. I felt so alone and isolated today. I couldn't talk to anyone about how awful I was feeling for fear I would break down in tears, nor was work really the place to talk about work. I've only been out of here for an hour since 12:30 today, not good.

Alex's day was about the same, which makes me wonder what the moon looks like outside tonight. Hmmm? By the time I hung up the phone with Alex though, I did have a smile on my face, so kudos to Alex. Also, a gold star to Dr. DD for making me leave with a smile as usual too. I needed the extra pats on the back today.

I, also, need to apologize to Jason "you let me shave your head" Jason. Happy Birthday! and I'm sorry I missed your party tonight.

Happy Birthday Jason!
You may look like Uncle Fester
But you always take care of my car like a wise old Yoda
Happy Birthday, Baldy!
I owe you a few!!!!!!

A theory on life lately...

I have been so balled up and worried about how others and their actions towards me are affecting my life that I haven't paid as much attention to taking control of my life. I need to put an end to people forcing life upon me. I am not weak. I should not let them intimidate me or make me weak. I don't think this is the entire problem, but a place to start evaluating and correcting.

This weekend was rough. I spent a lot of time alone and curled up on the couch sleeping. Life has me very drained again. Work is the number one break in life. Add to that a few changes in the personal life equals Sheila not sleeping well. I can't keep surviving this way. I have a permanent persisting headache today. I know it is stress, just pounding away telling me to just go home and sleep. The other crap will still be there when I wake up in a few days, mental health needs to come first...too bad the bossman wouldn't understand. I wish I could work as many days straight as I wanted to and just take weekends when I needed them and then a few more days a time. Ahhh, if only I ran the world.

Ok...off to do something like lay on the couch and vege now.

Yes, You have reached...

Sheila Effan's blog, please leave a message at the beep.

BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEPPPPP!

I just wanted to say a big thank you to Mary Leonard on a terrific job on her article yesterday in the St. Louis Post Dispatch. Everyone should take a few minutes out today and read it. Here is a link, and, of course, it features a bit about me and my blog, so please check it out. Mary was a delight to talk to and I hope to hear from her again, even if it is not for an article. She really is a fascinating person to speak with. Thanks again, Mary, and best of luck.

Rewind: Friday night band gig

I survived the band gig Friday night. I tried to make myself feel better about going by actually primping beforehand instead of the 5 min. touch-up before walking out the door, but I don't think it helped too terribly much. Although, my new shirt was a hit. I bought it at Hot Topic, this week, a store I normally do not step into, but I wanted something dark and limit-pushing and where else do you go, except a teenie bopper store. Anyways, the shirt reads, "I'm not crazy, I just do bad things when I don't get my meds". Perfect for a girl on a bunch of crazy meds right now, huh? I figure I have to do anything I can right now to keep my mood up; and funny tshirts about being evil are my norm...so I expanded a little, what's wrong with that?

I think edgy is my new word, because it seems to best describe my current state of being lately, EDGY. I think Alex was the only one who caught on to how off I was feeling Friday night until I went to leave and Karen asked me if I was OK. Then, she asked if I was drinking or thinking about drinking. I told her the latter, that is why I was leaving. I explained the full situation to her about not wanting to be there and she let me leave without anymore questions. I love band-mom. I was very concerned about Alex getting home though. He was pretty lit, but insisted he had it under control. I trust the other guys wouldn't let him do something stupid and left it to them, because I really needed to get out. I just couldn't stay there any longer. I felt just very edgy and closed in on there. I bet you are wondering what was the problem. Hmm. How can I explain this... I will have to find a way to do this PC and dance around a few of the topics.

Alex brought Jill out for the first time to meet the "group". Did I mention Jill and I went to high school together? Welcome to St. Louis! Mike, also, showed up. It was a nice surprise. Our schedules hadn't jived for 3-4 weeks now it seems like. And I was ending another stressful work week and still not drinking and happily not doing so, I think. Gail and Cindy were there too. They left without saying goodbye. I even dance with Marissa (by choice) Weird night. Changes. Changes.

Possum Kingdom didn't make it better for me either (of course, it didn't come true).

AAA - All about Alex

Happy 31st Birthday, Alex!
and
Congratulations on the big birthday present
on getting your divorce finalized yesterday.
I hope this year brings you lots
of wonderful new beginnings and big smiles.
You deserve every little bit of happiness in your new future.

Thank you for being the friend I can always count on.
I know you are always there
with constant and unending support.
You are my window and, often, my mirror too.
May all your wishes come true.

...and everything changes

I have survived over a month without my covenanted green fairy (alcohol for the newbies). I've been doing great and feeling great about it. If there will ever be a challenge of my will tonight will be it. My cousin, Jager, has been calling my name all day.

In my head, I think of the people who keep congratulating me on quitting and who keep hugging me telling me how proud they are. Then, I think about how much easier the things going through my head would be to take with a little relaxing help from cousin Jager or uncle Tequila. Answers there are, ask Yoda!

This week has been so challenging and today just made it even worse. The results being exactly as I expected and had been preparing myself for all week. The depression side of things has made an ugly appearance again. The lonely feeling that no one will ever be able to fill, the deep dark hole. The pit in my stomach is making it hard to eat and drink. The dark hole/pit just consumes every moment making me feel so alone, which I am. I am.

I can't wait until my trip next weekend to KC. A whole weekend road trip with the guys to go see Emily, Rev. Joe and Tracy. A weekend surrounded 24/7 by friends, no escaping, no cancelling (they will carry me out kicking and screaming if they need to). It is good to have friends. I need to go see Geoff-geoff too. He just needs to send a ticket so I can't cancel on him either (hint, hint, Geoff, Marc/Lynne/Mike, etc).

Back to the title, I feel today is the official beginning of a some changes in some of my friendships. I hope I'm wrong, but only time will tell.

....sad, so sad. It was bad, so bad. It was sad when the great ship went down.

TGIF

It is Friday. Yippee!

It is 5am. Ugh.

Today, I am going to find a friend to hug and hang out with tonight, and a great big cup of Chai tea for breakfast (after the big weigh-in party at work). Wow, do I know how to plan a Friday, or what?

Anyway, here is to survival and to smiles!...and to a better end to a bad week.

PS. I saw armadillo buttons at the store last night. I wanted to buy them, but what now could I possibly put armadillo buttons on? hmmm

It's back

The pain that someone you love just hurt you deeply. A best friend abandoned you. You ran over the cute little gray bunny. They died and left you behind. She is know longer there for you when you need her most. The pain that you just can't do it all on your own. The overwhelming pain. The one that reminds you that you are alone. You are in charge of you...and your house, and your dog, and your car, and going to work, and, and, and....

Setbacks. Reminders. I'm not fixed yet. I can't do it alone.

Setbacks? or fears?

I get so close. Yet, when I do really well, I get scared that people think I am cured. They think I don't need any help or support or concern. I start to feel abandoned and alone. Fear.

The overwhelming out-of-place sensation at work is encouraging the above, I think...maybe. Work the last 3 weeks has definitely put me on edge. I need to climb back on my rock and gain a little ground.

My evils: It is hard to say if PTSD is feeding the edginess at work right now or vice-versa, but either way both are shredding my insides. I just want to sleep. I've resorted back to little blue pill called Lunesta.

Woke up on the wrong side of the bed

Err, couch (since I haven't slept in a bed since only who knows when).

I think I should have just stayed in bed this morning. When I showered (the place where I do way too much thinking), I started over thinking yesterday's events. Yesterday was not the best of days, but ended ok with a little meditating and spoil me shopping (more on that later tonight when I unpack the bags from the backseat of my car and see how much damage I really did to my bank account). Work still has me edgy. I have a lot of work with several quick commitment dates which I don't think can be pushed back despite the world falling apart in the server room (typical for the IT world). The project management team has, also, become extremely needy this week because it is a patch week. Anytime it is patch week, they push all their customer stuff that I can handle back on me, because they are overwhelmed with documentation. Normally, I don't mind picking up the slack, but now I have a boss man (besides the owner who likes that I cover their backs). This new world isn't working well for me, at the moment. I'm not sure if it is a matter of adjustment or just not a good fit. The lack of sleep is just making the entire situation worse. I really just need a mental health day curled up in a ball where no one can find me (not even the ones I want to find me).........................

Actually, I don't think it is just work. I think it just everything, everyone; work just happened to kick it all off. I would like to go in the woods where no one can find me, hike up a bluff, feel the cool fall air against my face, the warmth of the sun warm my body, and just find a quiet place to sit and watch the world go on without me.

I haven't had any days like this for awhile, but I am just really edgy. I just don't feel like me. I still have a lot in my head I haven't been able to put to paper or to blog. Usually music helps me unclog my head when I get blocked, but I've had my iPod glued to me and it isn't helping me expell the needed mess. I keep looking over at my picture of Yoda telling me "Answers there are". "Where?" I ask. "Where?" I'm about ready to wipe that silly smirk off his face too, but I can't (I wear the same smirk almost daily). Maybe he is where I got it from....the childhood screening of Star Wars in the theater. I remember seeing two movies in the theater, Star Wars and Care Bears, when I was little. Answers there are seems to have taken me farther in life than the Care Bear stare, no offense to the Care Bears. One thing for the Care Bears though, everything ended perfectly. I think I could use one of those Care Bear hugs and endings right now. Anything...I just want to put my mind at ease from the chaos.

Midday iPod-itation

Well, when I just logged in I realised blogger ate one of my posts from last night. Hopefully, it is still on my laptop screen at home (keep your fingers crossed). Last night was a tough evening on me and I had a bit to say/share.

On to today... My afternoons are spent either glued to my desk working on numerous projects/servers/clients or in the server with my friendly iPod keeping me entertained with a wide variety of music. Last week, when I was updating my iPod with the latest and greatest I could find to download, I found some guided Zen meditations and, also, some meditation music. PERFECT, I thought. My doctor has been reminding me to meditate to help with my anxiety and other PTSD related conditions/issues. I really want to , but I have a hard time separating my lazy self from the couch to sit down and actually meditate. When I do find the time though, I feel very alert and rejuvenated. I really need to meditate more often.

Well, this morning I went to my normal tuesday appointment. The doctor and I were discussing my new meditations and how I was excited to find something to download and carry with me on my iPod everywhere I go. And not only that, I actually had used the new meditations a couple times, a small start, but a start.

I may have an iPod and I may use it daily, but I'm not a freak who sets up playlists nonstop. In fact, I don't have any playlist. I just hit shuffle everytime I turn it on. Therefore this afternoon when I hit shuffle and was sitting here doing the most monotonous work and a meditation came on, I started to hit skip. Then, I looked at the time....6 mins. I could take 6 mins out of my work day to meditate; and so I did. The meditation was perfect. A meditation on the heart. I had a very frustration night last night and was carrying around a lot of resentment. This meditation was about making choices and letting go of the resentment and the bad stuff we have piling up inside and making those middle choices in life. Perfect. I couldn't think of a better way to spend 6 mins and clear my mind and my resentment toward the person causing me the most pain at the moment. Random meditations in my playlist, who would've ever known. And to think of all the laughs I had about it earlier today at therapy. The doc is going to have fun with this on Thursday.

Which way to the door?

Six in the evening, I didn't know whether to scream or to cry. The server from hell decided to drop 2 out of 3 hard drives when I went to take it down to replace the bad hard drive, which put me in dire straights for the 2nd time in two weeks.

My stress and sleep levels couldn't take anymore of this. I just wanted to give up. I wasn't ready to do an all nighter again. I still needed to catch up on sleep from last week and let my mind recoup from the stress. I went into the server room and stared at the server blankly for a few minutes not sure where to start, just lost to the world. My brain did not want to turn on and work in hardware mode. My poor little head just wanted to go home and relax and write. I had planned an evening of exercise and writing and TV, not stressing in an ice box of a server room.

Thankfully Geoff-geoff called and jokingly inquired about when I was moving into his condo in Chicago. He let me know he had just washed the sheets so now would be a good time; and with the current stress at work, it sounds good to me. He said he just needed to go ring shopping because his Mom didn't want any girls living at his house unless he was engaged to them. Hey, hey, I'll have to keep that in mind. I'll always have Chicago and Geoff-geoff to lift my spirits on my bad days and to marry me if I get desperate. Finally, Geoff had to go and I went back to attack the work at hand with a little better attitude and a lot more fight in me.

So much for that freaking fru-fru manicure I paid waaaaaay to much for on Saturday, as soon as I opened the server I was back to the scratched-up, chipped-up nails that normally wears a mouthy, anti-priss chick like myself (and Brambles Beth wherever she is hiding).

PS. I, also, owe a bit of thanks to Tony G. and Marc for smart ass support. Crap like that is what keeps me going on nights that I just want to throw in the towel and give up. Thanks guys. I am not sure if it was dropping the server or kicking the hard drive that fixed the problem, but, hey, all is good now.

What do you mean, "How am I going to party?"

My 30th birthday is one month from today; and approximately one month ago I quit drinking. At first, I was very confused and uneasy. Alcohol helped me deal with people and anxiety. It helped bring out the old me everyone expected. The problem was alcohol, also, helped me lose sight of the post accident Sheila, the girl who is still figuring out who she is now.

Anyways, back to my birthday...my friends and I were out to dinner earlier this week and someone asked, "How are you going to party?" to my statement of "I'm not going to drink at my birthday party either. I QUIT drinking, which means I don't take a time-out and drink on my birthday."

I let the question go at the time, but when I got home I couldn't let the question go. How was I going to party at my birthday? What fun is it going to be if I don't drink? No shots? Uh? I had a lot to figure out in the next few weeks. Can I have fun without drinking? Is there a substitute? Should I take a break for just one night? Do I want that depressed hell the next day? I am 30 only once afterall.....hmmmm.

My blog is so pretty, oh so pretty...

if blogs can be pretty...in a turtle-like way.

I have been blogging for about 3 months now and thought it was time to be a bit adventurous and try to get away from the boring green and white and add a little color to go with my turtle shell like title. If the colors scare you, speak now. If the colors are burning your eyes out, look away!!!! If you don't, plan to be tortured until I am bored enough to care about colors or you have no eyes left (whichever comes first). Blogging is for writing, not for the mirror, mirror, on the wall, I'm the fru-fru-est pretty blog of them all crap.

My goal here was to write something of sustenance tonight but, hmmm, that did not happen. I have a lot to write and share. My head is on overload. I've had a very screwed up sleep schedule the last 7-10 days and my blogging has been just as bad. I hope to improve both this weekend before the clutter in my brain causes my hippocampus to start getting mushy again. Me and my hippo....can't ever get ahead, Damn.

Sweet dreams (of me) for now.

Touched by Two Warmths

One point after all came to rest I realized that my hand was wet and pressed against my soaking wet warm abdomen. My breathing was very defined, my hands trembled, my mind was trying to take in all that was going on around me and decipher the wet hand. The one thing my mind did know was it didn't want to look downwards. I kept looking forward and at the boys apologizing to me. They kept saying, "I'm soo sorry, I'm sooo sorry." And I in return said, "It's OK, just calm down." Yet, I couldn't get a normal breath. I still did not look around. I did not turn my head. I didn't realize Chris was unconscious. I didn't know what the warm dampness in my lap and on my hand was. For those brief seconds. I was just lost in it all. Trying to catch up to the time passing before me and slowly gaze downward into my hand and realize I was not bleeding the wet warmth in my lap and on my hand was not red. What was it? I glanced around and saw an upside-down can of Sprite...just Sprite. I let a breath out. I must have been holding my breath. I finally realize Chris was not responsive "Chris, baby, Chris." Oh no, oh my God, NOOOOO, NOOOOOOOOOO! His eyes were rolled back in his head. He was leaned in toward me. Blood was flowing down the farside of his face into and out of his ear. OUT OF HIS EAR. GOD, Please don't let him be dead. GOD GOD GOD. "Chris, baby, CHRIS, WAKE UP." "GO GET HELP, CALL 911! HE's NOT CONSCIOUS" "CHRIS, IT's SHEILA. It's Sheila".....................

The paramedics lifted up the stretcher and started wheeling me down the hill past the crowd of strangers. I could feel every bump and rock on the road. My head was pulsating so bad. Why did they tape my head down so tight. I just wanted to cry. I was so confused. I wanted my shoes off. My hands and arms had a strange numb tingly feeling. All these people are staring at me, wondering what caused our accident that closed the road for so long down...probably wondering how bad our injuries were. Then, suddenly, I heard her. She was crying, but, at least, it was someone I knew. It was Sharon, my soon to be mother-in-law. I didn't want her to cry. I didn't want to upset her. Chris and I would be OK. We would. She didn't need to get upset. Someone needed to tell her we were alright. Why was she crying? Chris was talking now (not sensible, but talking). Where is she? I hear her. Next, I saw Cheri, a friend's wife, holding someone. It was Sharon. Sharon reached out and grabbed my toe. She was shaking and bawling. I started crying again too. Gasping for air, I watched her do the same. Finally, she spoke, "Sheila-baby, I love you. You know that, right. I love you." Warmth filled my body. I was going to be her daughter-in-law next year and she just told me she loved me for the first time. It was going to be OK. She knew it too.

I have a lot to say

I just don't know how to say it right now.

Sept 11th - Sept 12th (reason for my PTSD)
Overworking - Undersleeping - Avoidance
Lack of Me time
which equals lack of brain to hand translation
an 8 yr post accident blog is now overdue
and stuck in my head
life is also stuck til I relieve myself of it

the bright-side, i called someone to tell them how their words at the scene of the accident have comforted me everyday for 8 years now. simple but life saving. i'm glad she knows. i'll stop now before this tear pops out. hopefully, what i really need to blog about will find an escape from my tortured brain and share itself with you.

What did I do this weekend?

• Work around the clock all weekend (critical server down)
• Get hyped on caffeine
• Skip and slide up and down the halls of the office (Tom Cruise in his younger years has nothing on me)
• Put up signs all over the place, reminding my co-workers they could improve their toilet, kitchen, printer, etc, etc, habits (can you tell i'm truly bored and delirious yet) I might go check out the guys urinals next

Example from the office fridge, which smells like a cross between tuna and the mildewed rag underneath the dirty dishes that have been sitting in my sink for the last two weeks (where are those damn cleaning fairies):

Opening the fridge
and inhaling the first
overwhelming whiff,
I’m guessing all the lovely
Styrofoam packaged items
contain exotic Delicacies,
and not rotten food
which you are saving for
little Dick and Jane’s
science fair projects.

Please clean out your trash
so my fresh food
doesn’t smell
like your rotten crap.

I’ll give you until ….well, let’s just say
you better do it quick.
This sleepless delirium is causing a purging spree.

Thank you for your timely cooperation,
~the keeper of things needed to be kept~

OK, back to work for a bit. I'm sure I'll be back soon after I find something new and annoying and deliriously stupid to talk to you and myself about.

Lyrica - I feel like singing

Ok, I started a new med this week: Lyrica . I don't know if it is my crazy ear ache or the lovely Lyrica, but I'm feeling weird at the moment. Yes, I know I'm already weird, but this is like a dizzy weird, like I shouldn't have to work today weird.

I feel like I just drank 6 fish bowl Margaritas and my foot is trying to find the floor to make everything stop spinning. And to make things worse the "sanity test" is still in progress at work, so the constant beeping isn't helping anything. How can I feel drunk when I haven't had a drink in almost a month??? Lord, help me.

I've felt in this weird mood all day. In a way, it is confusing and distancing, but in another way it is freeing and fun. I have been skipping through the hallways in the office. I even decided to come into work late because maybe the "sanity test" isn't as fun for everyone as I initially thought so I went and bought ear plugs and noise eliminating head sets for everyone. That's right, just call me Santa Claus. Nothing like Christmas in September....I figured if they already are selling Christmas crap in department stores I can start giving Christmas gifts (since I definitely won't remember co-workers come Christmas time). Ho, Ho, Ho, Merry Christmas now, Probably BAAAAH Humbug come then.

Maybe this is just the adjusting period to Lyrica. I believe it is still a relatively new drug and maybe that is the reason I can't find good information on it like I normally do on the pills I take. Just call me a druggie. Druggie.

OK, I've been rambling long enough. Time for me to plot my escape from work.

'Til later, my compadres!

Listen hear, Do what you are told!!!

*Stepping up on my soap box*

Ladies and gentlemen, smartie pants nephews, and any one else who might come across this....

If someone suggests or tells you to do something, the person acting in authority is doing so usually in your best interest, SO LISTEN TO THEM NOW.

When a doctor prescribes a bunch of drugs, take the damn things even if you hate taking pills. For instance, I hate taking pills and sometimes I may not think the little devils are doing a damn thing anymore (but usually I am wrong (I know, can you believe it, me? wrong?) and I don't realize it until I miss a dose accidently). Right now I am taking what seems like a million pills every day for my PTSD and resulting conditions (Cymbalta, Lexapro, Toprol XL, Lyrica, Topamax, Disulfiram, Ovcon and occassionally Lunesta and Allegra) This little life saving cocktail is helping me improve my life everyday. I have never felt this good in the last 8 years, so guess what? The doctor knows better than I do when he said take a handful of damn little throat chokers several times a day (maybe not exactly in those words, but you get the point =)).

Or maybe when Mom tells you not to touch the car keys and to stop jumping around in the car, she means it. She doesn't really mean for you to nab the keys and put them in the ignition...And maybe turn the said keys in the ignition and put the van in reverse, promptly backing it into a tree while Mom is trying to strap 2 toddlers into the back seat. Hmmm, wrecking Mom's van when you are 4 does not bode well for future driving lessons (in 10 years or more). Trent, buddy, I say don't go anywhere near car keys for a very long time. I love you to death but wrecking mommy's car is not the way to become a big boy. You need to be good so Gabe can learn to be like you (except the smart mouth and wrecking cars part).

I'm sure there are a lot more examples to learn from out there right now but give people a chance, don't be so full of yourself all the time. People are trying to help you not have to make mistakes. They usually have already made the mistakes and want you to learn from them so you don't have to suffer to. OPEN YOUR EARS and your hearts. You'll be glad you did in the end. It is worth millions. Not everyone is right, but then again neither are you. Take a chance, listen to a friend, a teacher, doctor, co-worker, parent, sibling, or even a stranger, it is amazing what you can learn when you listen to another.

A Plug for my friend, Shaun's, Sis's Cookbook

From Shaun (former The Real Me bass player):

Hey everybody. The cookbook that I contributed some of my short stories is available now on Amazon. My sister Jeanne did the recipes, Brother Dane created the artwork, Brother Grant edited it and I wrote about ten short stories about family trips and old memories. Please let all of our friends know about it. There is a link on the Merchandise page of my web site. Here is the Amazon link too. Shaun

Christmas will be here before you know and if you are like me, you don't have a clue what to buy anyone....why not order a case of cookbooks, easy to drop in giftbags and hand out to all those people who give you gifts that you didn't have a clue you were supposed to buy for. Ahh, the life of a singleton gift giver.

Testing one's sanity

Beep, beep, beep

That is the lovely noise echoing throughout my workplace today, thanks to one my critical servers failing. Since the server was working, I left it up even though the controller card was testing the sanity level of the rest of my co-workers. Personally, I just found my noise-reduction headphones and didn't hear a single beep. Meanwhile, my co-workers were walking around severely frazzled. I don't think I have ever been so entertained at work.

To make things even better, the alarm company showed up after lunch to test the alarms. The frazzled over-caffeinated beings went to super shaky on the edge of sanity within minutes of the fire alarms starting. I must say I wish I had my camera today. I think I was the only one thinking clearly.

Beep, beep, beep

PS. The good news (besides making my co-workers crazy today) is that I got to order a new server due to arrive Thursday. New toys! Yippee!

Reality Bites

Living in the now can be a scary awakening. This year I've been scared of the past, scared of the future, and terrified of the now. There never seems to be enough time for me to take it all in and find a place to process all the thoughts in my head. I have a million "plans" for my future, but as the ideas hit I do not have enough time to absorb or research the thoughts as deeply as I would like.

I guess the initial thought here is I finally have plans. For so long I was terrified to try something new, terrified of failing. I velieve I can handle failure better now, I think. I could research almost anything to death or evaluate the same things over and over again. My problem is I don't get paid right now for research. To get a paycheck, my job demands that I work on IT stuff. Bummer.

There are not enough hours in my world to absorb the now. I feel like healing from the PTSD has been a whirl-wind tour. It took 7.5 yrs to create this mess and in 7 months now I've already made significant changes to improve my quality of life and not let the PTSD own quite as much of my world anymore. Hopefully, soon it will not own any of my world. We will see.

The past. Will I ever really be able to put the past behind me? Therapy has been great for me to understand the hows and whys of my life better. Each session has allowed me to put things in a better place and to rest. The past is done, behind me. I need to be done with it, too. Easier said than done. Done, done, done. The past created me, but I can't let it own me. Yet, I dwell on things I can no longer change and that no longer influence my future. I'm hoarding the past. I hide from everyone that I still do, but I remember so many bad things and I cannot let them go. This is where PTSD still owns me.

Suicide

This is a topic I'm not sure I ever really want to post, but the reality is I need to. It is not an action I contemplate now, but did in the past. My attempts were obviously, and thankfully, unsuccessful, but they did occur. The negative side is that my cries for help were unheard and useless in getting me the help I needed. Yet, I survive; and I live.

I hate to admit it, but add me up as another girl's school statistic. As much as they preach to one attending an all girl's school about depression, getting help, and signs of suicide, pride prevents you from accepting the fact you are falling victim to such an evil; and not wanting to betray your closest friends prevents you from helping others that show the tell-tale signs. When I hear people speak of wanting to go back and relive their teenage years, I cringe. Teenage life is not easy, filled with confusing lessons of trust, friendship, peer pressure, and survival.

People act shocked by suicide, talking about how selfish, what were they thinking? One, it is a cry out for attention, you aren't thinking about others feelings. You are only thinking about your own overwhelming feelings and how you need another to notice yours. You need help, but you don't want to be a burden...hence the act. And thinking? You are thinking you can't do it anymore. You feel helpless, scared, lost, and confused. Your thinking is very muddled and desperate. You need help to sort your thoughts out, but that help never seems to come. You spiral so far down til there is no place left to go...you have nothing left but to beckon on the end.

This blog scares me more than any other. I'm worried about my family and friends' reactions to my writing and sharing the above. I'm not proud of my actions years ago, not that I should be, but I feel the need to put the above into words and so I can put another chapter behind me. The other side, of my family and friends' reactions I worry about, is embarrassing them, but it was my reality. I can't deny that or hide it any more. Hiding it will just let it happen to someone else...and I've already known too many who have taken their own. Why do I worry about embarrassing them? Shouldn't I be more embarrassed and ashamed of myself? or is it OK to accept this as my past since I no longer contemplate repeating, just remember. Remembering now and hopefully some day forgetting.

Coincidence has it that when I wrote most of this last night I was unaware that today there would be a dedication of a park bench and tree at Wilmore Park to a family friend who unexpectedly took his own life this past December.

Have I mentioned lately

Have I mentioned lately how great my ex-husband's girlfriend, Lisa, is? Not only did she invite me out for girl's night last night, when I didn't show or call, she followed up with phone calls today to make sure I was ok.

Life is queer sometimes. I have found a great friend in Lisa. It is very comforting knowing I have another great person looking out for me when times gets tough. She is, also, a great time out on the dance floor, or anywhere I end up with her.

Keep on rockin' girl!

Van Gogh'ing it

I am on day 5 of a stupid ear infection (probably swimmer's ear). No, Mom, I have not been to the GP Dr. because I personally feel 2 inches tall everytime I go in to see the man. So, here I suffer. I used to get a lot of ear infections and bouts of swimmer's ear in my early 20s, but I've suffered little with ear problems in the last few years til now. Damnit.

At this moment, I totally understand why Van Gogh lopped the damn thing off. I'm sure his ear was swollen like a golf ball trailing down his jaw line like mine and the only sure sign of relief was to cut it off and eliminate the source of pain. Although, I'm not quite sure the Van Gogh-look will help me in the looks and dating departments. However, it will give me a chance to wear all these unmatched earrings I have, since I constantly seem to lose just one of each pair I own.

This, also, may be the dog gods way of punishing me. My golden retriever, Chili, suffers constantly from ear infections and ulcers. No matter how much TLC I give him the damn things are constantly a bother to him. Right now, I'm feeling incredibly guilty and hoping to find away to clear us both up this weekend (even it is taking a bit of advice from my trusty Van Gogh).

JUST MAKE IT GO AWAY!!!!!