Mar 29, 2007

Curled up in my pillows

6:30 pm and I'm already curled up for bed. I'm out of breath. There is so much I want to accomplish, so many decisions to be made, but I sit here curled up in the pillows ready to close my eyes for the night. I did this last night too. I know the doctor says my body may need it right now, but I'm not sure if I need 12 hrs of bedtime right now, or if this is my excuse to hide from the world and put things off "'til tomorrow" again.

I was warned about surgery causing me to flop. I was worried about the 'high' from the flood at work eventually stopping and letting me down...hard. I just didn't expect the two of them along with other factors in life to all sink at once. I guess that is life for me. Both of my doctors keep telling me to slow down my body needs time to heal. I've slowed as much as I know how to, but I still feel like a slug dragging dead weights. I am making things up as I go now, not even things that necessarily make sense. I would say that is definitely my brain saying it is tired. let me rest, slow down, and let me rest.

Pushing myself to work and sleep and work and sleep, I can easily avoid other facets of life. My relationships with my family and friends are suffering most, but the relationships with those who have known me the longest are the ones that are the toughest for me to deal with. They wear me down more than working myself to point where I end up sleeping under my desk. Why is it that I struggle most with ones who have been there to support and love me the longest? Life, it is just downright scary. I have been rambling for about 15 mins now. I don't think I'm going to look back. I'm scared to. My brain is scattered. My heart is struggling. My physical body hurts. My stomach is hungry. My lungs are tight like weights are holding me down...and the one thing that I think would make me feel better is someone holding me telling me it will be ok as I close my eyes and fade to sleep (while its still daylight out).

Good night.

Mar 26, 2007

just a post

Just a post, any post, so the last post, isn't my last post on my blog right now. I need a happy post to put me in a happier mood, so I don't worry about things that are not happy right now. Do I sound insane yet? I am tired. I have a lot going on at work. I need to focus on work right now. I can't change the past and I can't make things happen. LIFE. I shall live. It shall happen. I will survive.

Hmmm, didn't exactly hit the happy note, but it isn't green.

Mar 24, 2007

Sometimes it isn't pretty being GREEN

I am in Kansas City with my 9 closest friends; yet, my head is still stuck in St. Louis. I should be totally here, worry free, enjoying the break from the hectic life in StL, but for some reason my head keeps wondering what is going on in StL. Is he moving on with someone else?

There has been a distance lately, very little communication (emails, texts, calls, IMs). Hmm. He doesn't owe me a thing by my own design. I don't expect anything, but I wonder. I let my mind wander and destroy me.

I keep telling myself it is better this way, keep working on me. Me. I hate the fact that I'm human. I see him in pain and I want to fix it. I sit here thinking about the fact that he is probably moving on. Feelings suck. Life was so much easier when I was numb to the world.

Things to erase today: jealousy

Mar 17, 2007

Rubik's Complex

Two solid weeks of work fun! Yes, I am a sick puppy, but crisis is when I shine. My adrenaline flows best when there are major puzzles to solve, or projects to do. Up until this point, my new job had been off to a pretty slow start. I was enjoying the people and the place, but the work as a whole was slow and lacking challenge. Most of the network just needed organization, which is still the case, but now there is "needed to be done yesterday" deadline. This doesn't allow for me to approach the work in an overly cautious way, nor for me to properly plan or stage things in a methodical way, but chaos is fun (I think).

The adrenaline rush hit right when I was hitting quite a low after my gall bladder surgery. I thought removing your gall bladder was supposed to help depression, not cause it. I think part of my problem was feeling very removed from my day-to-day life. Also, the pain that I did not want to admit to added to the dumpy feelings. I kept pushing myself like nothing was wrong with me so that I could return to life and all I did was make myself feel worse. Damn you, depression.

My fear, and my doctor's, now is that when things slow at work that reality will set in and my brain won't take nicely to the drop in adrenaline since it was sliding into a bit of depression again before the "great flood." I need to start taking better care of myself and remembering to take my meds on a tighter schedule, maybe that will help when things slow down. Here's to hoping.

I think I still need more sleep, as my thoughts are still jumping all over the table...back to the couch.

PS. I love you, Meags. I'm sorry I missed the annual bash, but the body needed a day of sleep, which it does not want to wake up from. I'll make it up to you, sis.

Mar 1, 2007


Just over a week after my surgery and I'm sitting in Dr. Blanke's office waiting for him to see me. I have a feeling he is not even here. I love how doctor's control our lives. The pain from the surgery is still there reminding me to slow down. I'm not super woman. I have been pushing and pushing all week and finally cracked last week. The stress, the pain, and my dysfunctional relationships are all distracting me and building up. I'm at the point I just need to rest. I am tired and depressed. I hurt. I don't want to deal with relationships. I just need someone in my life, anyone, to give me a hug and hold me and just let me be for awhile. No questions. No talking. I just need to be in safe arms being held.