Jul 31, 2007

Wishing for the simple life

Life is just happening around me. I am lost, maybe not lost, but stagnant. I see everyone moving about, but I feel paralyzed and panicked when I think about moving along with them.

Tonight several of my coworkers were going out to dinner and a movie. I wanted to join them, but the thought of spending an evening out with everyone drained me. I hate the anxious feeling I get on nights like this. I look forward to going out with everyone. just to have fun outside of work. Yet, as the event draws closer, everything in my body tightens up and weakens. It is funny how I have a comfort zone with everyone, if we are at work, but, if we leave the building and enter foreign territory, I tend to freeze up or act out of character as a defense mechanism. I just want to break out of this draining pattern. It is killing me.

This last week has been overly sad and difficult. Many of those I care about most in life have lost loved ones, or spent too much time in the hospital panicking over the health of their families. Dad C. had serious surgery and suffered from subsequent infections that have kept him in the ICU the last week. Beck and Mom have been worried sick. I pray this is the end of his health issues as he has to skip Becky down the aisle in that fancy wedding dress of hers next month. Emily suffered two losses this week, her grandmother and, tragically, her four month pregnant cousin. Ryan and Kelly have lost another parent this year to cancer. In addition to Kelly's Dad, Ryan's Mom passed on Tuesday. Kelly's grandma was, also, ill but is on the mends. I have to say Kelly and Ryan are two of the strongest people I've seen. I think soon-to-be baby, Charlotte, has a lot to do with that. Hope is a great thing. I think it is much needed after this last week. Also, my co-worker Danny had a death in his family too. Ugh, so much soo close...sad.

I'm finding a lot of guilt in the deaths and illnesses around me. I don't know how to be there for my friends without sending my own depression and contemplations on death into a tailspin. I used to be able to be the strong one, be at funerals, hospitals, the shoulder to lean on...now, I don't even know what to say or how to broach the subject. I've become weak.

I'm tired. It is 7. Alex is on the other side of the world. I wish I were there.

I think I will give up now and just give into the sleep. Good night all.

Jul 21, 2007

Down to one hand

...I'm sober now for 3 whole months it's one accomplishment that you helped me with
The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing I won't touch again
In a sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night
While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight...
I'm looking at the calendar, reading my old blog and journal entries, and realizing that I can count a year's worth of my stupid, binge alcohol nights all on one hand. The fight isn't over, but it is easier.
Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you
I wish the anxiety would just go away forever. I think, then, I could finally forget about having a drink in uneasy situations. The difference now is that I get the itchiness, the uncomfortable anxious feeling, and occasionally let myself have a drink, just one. The one drink doesn't take away the itch, but it does leave me feeling more depressed for a few days afterwards. I have to say drinking is officially ruined for me. The cravings are still present on the bad days and moments, but, then, the debate in my head begins...is it worth it, do I really want this, the next few days....

Lyrics from "Hate Me Today" by Blue October