May 6, 2007

Panic Room

aka where I'm currently living in my head

I have to let go.

Desperately need: Sleep. Meds. Doctor. Shoulder-to-cry-on. Him-to-hold-me.

Tempting fixes: alcohol (specifically Margarita, Jager Bomb, Mind Eraser, bottle of Pinot Noir)

What I will be settling with tonight: writing, tears, meditation, letting the hernia win

Bodily damaged incurred by drunks today: severe stomach pain, pulled lower back, and busted nose

# of friends pissed off = 1, maybe 2

I made plans today to go out for cinco de mayo with my ex-husband, his girlfriend (I adore), several mutual friends, and my friend, Rick. When I woke this morning, I really felt like staying home, but I pushed myself and went. I felt very disconnected from everyone and very alone inside. I really just wanted to spend, yet, another weekend curled up in a ball on the couch.

After Mi Lupita, all of us decided to go see my friends' band, The REAL Me. I thought, maybe, hearing my favorite band and being surrounded with drunk, happy people would make me feel better. In the end, I only seem to be more depressed. In less than a year, I've associated so much of my band experience to him and the memories just wouldn't stop coming. I think I'm going to have to stay far away from the band gigs for awhile. I can't deal. Dating was much easier before I fell in love with him. I just want him to be happy; and I think he has decided I am not the one he wants to do that for him.

Here I write...Broken heart. Broken mind. Broken soul.

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