Hair today. Hair tomorrow?

I have too much to write and not enough energy to write it all. I guess this is what happens when I let 2 weeks of blogging build up in my head. Grrrrrrr.

Speaking of head, my head, I have lots of hair, thick hair...I keep seeing events for the St. Baldricks foundation. The foundation's way of attracting attention to raise money for cancer awareness and research intrigues me. Basically, you post a photo of you with hair on their website, send the link to all your friends soliciting their sponsorship to shave your head. Yes, me, with long, thick locks, shaved off...just like that. Brave. Am I brave enough to shave my head? I am ready to go shave every hair off right now, but I am a little scared my hair growing out. Will I be ugly without hair? with short hair? Will it change who I am? Hmmm.

A few years ago, right after my divorce and while my 9 day old nephew was deathly ill in the PICU, I donated 10 inches of hair to Locks of Love. My mom and sister each donated hair with me. We grew out our hair together, before life turned to hell in a hand-basket, with the purpose of donating our goldie locks to an organization like Locks of Love that makes wigs for children with cancer.

The day we had our long pony tails cut off was me bargaining with God for my nephew's life. I was scared. I remember doing everything and anything good, waiting for positive news and little Gabriel to bounce back. God heard my begging and my prayers. The little guy is healthy as can be now. He just had some valves that didn't develop right away in tiny body before he popped out into the real world. Like the rest of us, he wasn't ready for this hell on the outside, but he fought and his little body caught up to the needs of the outside world. I wish I could catch up.

I was really excited about how thin the short hair made my face look. In time, though, I grew paranoid. Long hair is something to hide behind. Short hair left me feeling totally exposed. I didn't have the confidence when I walked into a room that long hair gave me. It is sad hair defines us so much. I think that is why I want to challenge myself with St. Baldrick's. I don't want my hair or clothes or shoes or make-up to affect my personality. I want to find a me that isn't dependent on the superficial and/or material. I would accept a me where the material accentuates my personality, but I can't have it define me. Shave my head? Accept the world and the strange looks I will receive? Toss out today's standards for beauty and trust that I am confident enough to stand alone, BALD?