Curled up in my pillows

6:30 pm and I'm already curled up for bed. I'm out of breath. There is so much I want to accomplish, so many decisions to be made, but I sit here curled up in the pillows ready to close my eyes for the night. I did this last night too. I know the doctor says my body may need it right now, but I'm not sure if I need 12 hrs of bedtime right now, or if this is my excuse to hide from the world and put things off "'til tomorrow" again.

I was warned about surgery causing me to flop. I was worried about the 'high' from the flood at work eventually stopping and letting me down...hard. I just didn't expect the two of them along with other factors in life to all sink at once. I guess that is life for me. Both of my doctors keep telling me to slow down my body needs time to heal. I've slowed as much as I know how to, but I still feel like a slug dragging dead weights. I am making things up as I go now, not even things that necessarily make sense. I would say that is definitely my brain saying it is tired. let me rest, slow down, and let me rest.

Pushing myself to work and sleep and work and sleep, I can easily avoid other facets of life. My relationships with my family and friends are suffering most, but the relationships with those who have known me the longest are the ones that are the toughest for me to deal with. They wear me down more than working myself to point where I end up sleeping under my desk. Why is it that I struggle most with ones who have been there to support and love me the longest? Life, it is just downright scary. I have been rambling for about 15 mins now. I don't think I'm going to look back. I'm scared to. My brain is scattered. My heart is struggling. My physical body hurts. My stomach is hungry. My lungs are tight like weights are holding me down...and the one thing that I think would make me feel better is someone holding me telling me it will be ok as I close my eyes and fade to sleep (while its still daylight out).

Good night.