Suicide

This is a topic I'm not sure I ever really want to post, but the reality is I need to. It is not an action I contemplate now, but did in the past. My attempts were obviously, and thankfully, unsuccessful, but they did occur. The negative side is that my cries for help were unheard and useless in getting me the help I needed. Yet, I survive; and I live.

I hate to admit it, but add me up as another girl's school statistic. As much as they preach to one attending an all girl's school about depression, getting help, and signs of suicide, pride prevents you from accepting the fact you are falling victim to such an evil; and not wanting to betray your closest friends prevents you from helping others that show the tell-tale signs. When I hear people speak of wanting to go back and relive their teenage years, I cringe. Teenage life is not easy, filled with confusing lessons of trust, friendship, peer pressure, and survival.

People act shocked by suicide, talking about how selfish, what were they thinking? One, it is a cry out for attention, you aren't thinking about others feelings. You are only thinking about your own overwhelming feelings and how you need another to notice yours. You need help, but you don't want to be a burden...hence the act. And thinking? You are thinking you can't do it anymore. You feel helpless, scared, lost, and confused. Your thinking is very muddled and desperate. You need help to sort your thoughts out, but that help never seems to come. You spiral so far down til there is no place left to go...you have nothing left but to beckon on the end.

This blog scares me more than any other. I'm worried about my family and friends' reactions to my writing and sharing the above. I'm not proud of my actions years ago, not that I should be, but I feel the need to put the above into words and so I can put another chapter behind me. The other side, of my family and friends' reactions I worry about, is embarrassing them, but it was my reality. I can't deny that or hide it any more. Hiding it will just let it happen to someone else...and I've already known too many who have taken their own. Why do I worry about embarrassing them? Shouldn't I be more embarrassed and ashamed of myself? or is it OK to accept this as my past since I no longer contemplate repeating, just remember. Remembering now and hopefully some day forgetting.

Coincidence has it that when I wrote most of this last night I was unaware that today there would be a dedication of a park bench and tree at Wilmore Park to a family friend who unexpectedly took his own life this past December.