Where to go from here

I have a few days off from therapy this week. Doctor was overbooked and pushed me back til tomorrow. Its probably a good thing since I chose last night to drink away my problems instead of meditate on them. Last night, though, was different. Normally drinking makes me forget and have fun, but last night it hurt like a deep ulcer in my stomach. The pain didn't stop me from throwing back the tequila shots, but I did choose a chocolate milk with dinner instead of the typical choice of drinks. I think the inner child wants to come back and try reliving now that it understands how my life turned out this way.

How come so few people write about their experiences with mental issues? I've gone to every bookstore around and only have found a few books that aren't super medical. I want to know about PTSD, Depression and the rest of it from someone who is actually experiencing it. Maybe then I'll be ok reading and hearing the word depression. Maybe I won't think of it as something "wrong" but a something I will break out of. Unfortunately, I don't have the "break-out" plans tattoo'd on my body like the hottie on "Prison Break". If life were so fake and unrealistic. God bless TV and the hotties on there that keep us dreaming.

The main reason I am writing this blog is for the next person like me who is wanting to know what they are feeling is ok and "normal" for us slightly "off" types. And don't feel alone if you are not sure if there is anything wrong at all. I didn't know until this year when my "shell" finally cracked. My life has been like a turtle slowing down everyday til finally someone ran over my shell and exposed the hurt, fragile being that is really inside. I'm not sure if the exposure or reality hurts more, but either way it has been a lonely, haunting pain. I could handle PTSD, but Depression? I am the girl who has the constant smile that everyone always compliments and loves. I am strong, independent, relentless.....or so I thought.

Here is a question: If we don't really know ourselves, how can anyone else really know and/or love us? Hmmm, could this be why I'm divorced at such a young age? Or did the other factors (excuses I came up with) really play true? Life is full of questions and bouncing back from all of this just adds more.