Friends we are and friends will always be

Continuing on in more detail from earlier. I have people from past, friends, that have reached out again or vice-versa, I've actually reached out to them. I miss these friends and their company; but I can't handle all the relationships right without someone (often unintentionally) making me feel guilty. I don't know if keeping up with relationships is as taxing for everyone but they wear me out. I fear the face-to-face confrontation. I dread answering my phone if they call. I'm terrified they want something from me...and I don't know how to say "no" to them. I am unable to balance the demands others (unknowingly) put on my life. I have a few current examples:

We'll leave this place returning faithfully
My friend, Judy...I have only ran into her once in the last 3 years. Judy has witnessed a lot in the fifteen years she has been my friend, respected teacher, and mentor. She does not always understand all the aspects of me or the motives behind my actions or lack there of, but she is still my friend. She is one of many I started avoiding when my world hit its slow demise. I didn't know how to let her help me. I didn't want her to see me fail. I was afraid to disappoint someone who taught me so much and who I respected unlike any other. I miss her. I am starting to realize she would be a great advisor and listner as I try to rebuild and recreate me. She saw my barriers from, maybe she can help me dicipher and break them down. I sent her an email at the end of May and a week or so later she responded. I need to call her to continue this communication I started. I need energy for this call and lately I have not had any extra to spare.

Now, Bob, he reached out to me just today with a text message with no callback or return address. Bob, also, is a mentor and caring father figure. He has seen me grow up and change quite a bit in the last 10 years. Although, I think he wins the contest for he who has changed the most. Actually, it just hit me that Bob has done exactly what I need to do. He has very successfully recreated himself. He has changed his look and his way of life, maybe his is more on the surface and less deep like I need to do. I guess it is hard to say with out walking in his shoes for a day. Like Judy, I've dodged Bob quite a bit. Sometimes it is better if your friends don't see you fall apart, especially when you are not fully aware yourself that your world is crumbling.

Plane is landing (and in one piece, guess my visions are just that visions).