Put on a happy face

In my family, things always seem good no matter how bad they get. This last week was pretty good despite the list of things that went wrong. As the list grew, I started to stress a bit, but kept laughing it off. Some day I'll learn to voice that stressful/worrisome emotion, but til then I'll put on my happy face for others, laugh at myself, and joke at my expense. Life is just easier this way...until the good ole doc asks why. Why do I need that happy, strong barrier? What will it take to show what I am really feeling and to let others help? Instance #1, my Central AC went out at my house 9 days ago. I could have let numerous people come over and fix it, but I was afraid they would judge me. Judge me because my house was not clean enough, or I had too much laundry piled up, or my basement smells funny. Instead of getting it fixed right away, during this humid 90 degree weather, I chose to sweat buckets for days until my ex-husband, who is a HVAC guy got back in town. Then, I begged him to put his stuff on hold and fix it (because he already knows what I really am about). He has seen me fall down this spiralling hole, too bad he doesn't understand that is what he witnessed during the demise of us, but some things are unexplainable to someone who already put that chapter behind him for other reasons which seemed justified at the time.

I guess the fact that I am now aware of the above means I am healing, just not as fast as I wish,...too bad I still don't have the answers to the what's and why's for the doctor.