Praising the porcelain

You know you've hit bottom when you are staring down at the bottom of a toilet; one of the most heinous places to have to look. Granted some of what you are looking at is hard water and mineral stains, but you can't help but wonder the worst. Are those hard water floaties, or someone's leftovers (from either end). I can't pass judgment since I'm leaning over this cold beast hurling as hard as I can trying to turn my stomach inside out. Dry heaving has to be like dying, because I know every time that I do, I wish death. And where does all this bile come from? I mean I take one sip of water and up comes a gallon of lovely, yellowy fluids. I can do this 20 times in a row with the same results. (I like to have good tests, can't build conclusions on a single trial).

It is times like this when I really regret many of my choices, especially when there are witnesses. I feel like the grunge on the bottom of the porcelain when someone sees me drink too much and then praise the porcelain. It makes me feel awful when someone else witnesses my world spinning out of my control because I don't know of many people who are in control of their lives and end up in positions like this. Embarrassing.

There is also a feeling of isolation when I am alone rolling on the scummy bathroom floor trying to find comfort, and/or trying to get the last of whatever is poisoning my system out. The pain is like someone trying to slap some sense into me. The loneliness is a reminder of where I will end up if this behavior continues. It is a catch 22; I don't want to be alone, but I don't want witnesses either. Welcome to hell.

Later, facing the witnesses, knowing I've screwed up, I try to laugh off the embarassment. I try to divert attention to another time or event. Please don't remind me, don't scorn me, and don't judge me. I am lost. I don't want to be the person praising the toilet. I don't want to be the person that people had to be concerned about, or grossed out by. I just want to be.

...I'm surrounded by identity crisis everywhere I turn
Am I the only one who noticed?
I can't be the only one who's learned!

I don't want to be
Anything other than what I've been trying to be lately
All I have to do
Is think of me and I have peace of mind
I'm tired of looking 'round rooms
Wondering what I've got to do
Or who I'm supposed to be
I don't want to be anything other than me...

~I don't want to be, Gavin Degraw~