Human after all

Can you believe it? I'm not perfect, no where even close.

I need help, lots of help, but the question is: am I brave enough to let someone in all the way to help me fix my inadequacies???

Honest answer is NO. I've made some improvements.

I'm breathin in
I'm breathin out
So slip inside this funky house
Dishes in the sink
The TV's in repair
Don't look at the floor
Don't go up the stairs
I'm achin
I'm shakin
I'm breakin
Like Humans Do

My Michael has seen a lot of my mess when I get overwhelmed with household chores or laundry, but he never gets to see the whole picture, but I am letting him in deeper and deeper everyday (and I haven't scared him off yet). He never freaks or puts me down for not being perfect, just helps where he can. He was quite a lifesaver the first BBQ I had with him at my house. He came over to help me quickly overhaul things to accommodate guests. He didn't blare out stories about how awful my house was or that he came over early to clean up my hell. He just went on and enjoyed the party and never bitched at all. It was unbelievable support that I've only had in the past from my Mom, Dad, and baby brother since I moved out on my own. He's been overly accommodating and supportive, downright amazing.
I work & I sleep
& I dance & I'm dead
I'm eatin, I'm laughin
& I'm lovin myself
We're eatin' off plates
and we kiss with our tongues
Like Humans Do

My sister knows more than most anyone, but I don't know how to tell her I need help, I often ask or hint that I would like her to come by, but never tell her why or let her know it is more of a need, not a want. She doesn't understand that I'm still in over my head with all of this PTSD crap and really need help digging out. I can't figure out how to ask for help. I don't want to put someone else out for my problems, but I'm slowly wearing myself out because I haven't opened up and said, "I need help."

For millions of years,
In millions of homes
A man loved a woman,
A child it was born
It learned how to hurt
and it learned how to cry
Like Humans Do
My parents confuse me right now. I am pretty sure, like everyone else, they don't understand a thing I am going through right now, but they don't inquire either. I don't think they understand that I need their help as much as I need the therapy and prescriptions. I think my dad is just sick to see one of his children hurting and not sure how to step in. And my mom, I have no idea. She is usually pretty inquisitive and intuitive when it comes to me...not this time.

I have one uncle checking in every few weeks, but, again, he has no clue where to go from there to help me...and I have no clue how to ask.

Ask for help. I can give the advice to others but can't do it myself. Grrrr. This is my work in progress, my goal for the week.

I think my fear with it all is that things have gotten so far out of hand that I'm not sure people will understand why. I am afraid they will think I'm lazy, messy. Truth is I am so overwhelmed PTSD or not, I have no clue where to start and get things put back together the way I have it in my head. In my head, this is not how I want to live or live, but reality is telling a different story. I need help.

Like Humans Do by David Byrne