Bummed

Sometimes I can't be the accomodating one...I'm always the accomodating one.

I worked until 7pm last night. I add that up to about 30 hours too many. I know this is not the fault of my friends, but my plans were set over a month ago. I suggested they join me and the others the minute they mentioned we get together tonight, but no, not good enough.

One couple is in town with a big announcement from San Diego; the other is recently engaged, in St. Louis. Both couples include two of my best friends from high school. It is tough to the point of tears for me not just agreeing to just blow off my other plans and meet the four of them...and catch up with the others as I have time, but I am tired and frustrated. I am sure the four of them think I am unreasonable because I am single and just a lonely singleton who won't just agree to their plans...but I just can't do it any more. I really think I might crack with any additional stress this week.

The week has been really long and I cannot handle any changes right now. I just want to stick with the plan in my head and go with it. I am really tired. I know the drive to Westport. I know the restaurant/bar, Trainwreck, well, so all the comfort zones are there. If I go somewhere new, I won't be at ease and my night will be pretty much spent with me feeling tight as rubber bands because I am some place new and unfamiliar. As it is, I am not sure how I will do with the group as a whole anyways. Becky is ok, because it is Becky and I see her and talk to her all the time. The others don't sit in my everyday zone, so I don't know how at ease or not I will be with them all. It is hard to say and think that someone I am so close to can seem so distant to me at times, but that is Social Anxiety disorder for you, compliments of PTSD. I want to say it is better, but every time I do I get put back into a situation like last Friday where I feel super out of place and just want to leave. Hmmm. The devils. As it is, I won't be able to eat tonight wherever I go, so I, at least, want to go somewhere where I won't feel like should be chewing Zantac instead of bubblegum. I just wish they could understand, but then, again, I don't wish these constant feelings on anyone. I may seem fine, but I'M A FREAK and a overall happy one at that if I get my way tonight. Therefore, I am going to the Trainwreck and not drinking a drop and singing my out-of-tune butt off to Loud Mouth Soup.....And if that doesn't make you cover your ears and die laughing, nothing will. I'll be the one with droopy tired eyes, molesting the guys on stage because I can, not because I want to or they want me to. Have a great evening. Cheers.

3:30 am - Still at work

Now I wish I had my pillow and my snuggly "looks like I killed Pooh" blanket. Oh, I wish I had socks, too. My feet are cold working in the server room. Today, I hate servers. I don't think I get paid enough to like the metal beasts anymore. Maybe I will make nice and give back all the hardware I have robbed from the poor thing in the morning, if it is nice. Wow, I am losing it now.

I think my blog is losing all direction and purpose the last two weeks. I think my lack of sleep has something to do with that. I think I feel a responsibility to write even though I have nothing of purpose or of meaning to share. Therefore, I rant and ramble.

5:15 am - Still at work
I'll probably still be in trouble today too, still be told that I'm not putting in enough effort or hours. Hmm, what have I been doing with my life for the last 2-3 weeks? I had thought doing nothing but worrying over work, but obviously I was wrong once again. Sleepy, emotional frustration, ugh. K, enough whining, server is back up.

6:53 am - Still at work and crunch time begins
Co-workers will start arriving in about 30 mins and email is still down. Do I curl up in a lil ball and start screaming like Just Jack now or save my breath for those who will appreciate the laugh and Just Jack humor? Hopefully, I will get this fixed before 8 so that I can sneak out for a Starbuck Chai tea...or better yet, I should call a co-worker and see if I can plan the pity I've been here all night will you please bring me Starbuck's card. The latter sounds like a better plan. I forgot to call the ex-husband to have him stop in and take care of my dog, so I have to implement plan B and catch the neighbor boy on his way out of bed whenever that may be.

6:58 am - Server still loading updates
Time for more tea. Caffeine holes in stomach are good, right? Plan A for kissing butt with co-workers: make pots of coffee so everyone has hot cup upon arrival. Ahhh, I'm soooo bright!

7:14 am - Server is rebooting, yet, again
Two pots of regular coffee are already made, one pot decaf on its way...and I don't even drink the crap. Now if I were really good I would go line up their coffee mugs in the kitchen and pour it as they walked in, but that would be pushing it, even for sweet, little, ol' slap, happy me.

7:39 am - Email is still down
And I get no damn appreciation for the coffee, just crabbing about the email. I can't wait for the beating from the bossmen.

Can I curl up and cry now?

Today was tough and in 10 minutes I can finally put it all behind me and start anew. The bad part is...I am still sitting at work. I am taking a quick break with a cup of hot tea to warm up. Burrrrr, it is cold here.

I didn't sleep last night due to migraine. I should've just gave in and drove myself to the hospital, but I always think if I can just wait it out just a little bit longer I will fall asleep and sleep it off. Nope. Nada.

Fast forward to noonish...I sit down at my desk. The owner of my company asks if I have time to talk, of course, I do. Let me just say the talk was not a good one, it was one of those where I wonder if I will have a job next week. The talk, also, caused the throbbing in my head to grow. If I could only go home and disappear. I felt so alone and isolated today. I couldn't talk to anyone about how awful I was feeling for fear I would break down in tears, nor was work really the place to talk about work. I've only been out of here for an hour since 12:30 today, not good.

Alex's day was about the same, which makes me wonder what the moon looks like outside tonight. Hmmm? By the time I hung up the phone with Alex though, I did have a smile on my face, so kudos to Alex. Also, a gold star to Dr. DD for making me leave with a smile as usual too. I needed the extra pats on the back today.

I, also, need to apologize to Jason "you let me shave your head" Jason. Happy Birthday! and I'm sorry I missed your party tonight.

Happy Birthday Jason!
You may look like Uncle Fester
But you always take care of my car like a wise old Yoda
Happy Birthday, Baldy!
I owe you a few!!!!!!

A theory on life lately...

I have been so balled up and worried about how others and their actions towards me are affecting my life that I haven't paid as much attention to taking control of my life. I need to put an end to people forcing life upon me. I am not weak. I should not let them intimidate me or make me weak. I don't think this is the entire problem, but a place to start evaluating and correcting.

This weekend was rough. I spent a lot of time alone and curled up on the couch sleeping. Life has me very drained again. Work is the number one break in life. Add to that a few changes in the personal life equals Sheila not sleeping well. I can't keep surviving this way. I have a permanent persisting headache today. I know it is stress, just pounding away telling me to just go home and sleep. The other crap will still be there when I wake up in a few days, mental health needs to come first...too bad the bossman wouldn't understand. I wish I could work as many days straight as I wanted to and just take weekends when I needed them and then a few more days a time. Ahhh, if only I ran the world.

Ok...off to do something like lay on the couch and vege now.

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Sheila Effan's blog, please leave a message at the beep.

BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEPPPPP!

I just wanted to say a big thank you to Mary Leonard on a terrific job on her article yesterday in the St. Louis Post Dispatch. Everyone should take a few minutes out today and read it. Here is a link, and, of course, it features a bit about me and my blog, so please check it out. Mary was a delight to talk to and I hope to hear from her again, even if it is not for an article. She really is a fascinating person to speak with. Thanks again, Mary, and best of luck.

Rewind: Friday night band gig

I survived the band gig Friday night. I tried to make myself feel better about going by actually primping beforehand instead of the 5 min. touch-up before walking out the door, but I don't think it helped too terribly much. Although, my new shirt was a hit. I bought it at Hot Topic, this week, a store I normally do not step into, but I wanted something dark and limit-pushing and where else do you go, except a teenie bopper store. Anyways, the shirt reads, "I'm not crazy, I just do bad things when I don't get my meds". Perfect for a girl on a bunch of crazy meds right now, huh? I figure I have to do anything I can right now to keep my mood up; and funny tshirts about being evil are my norm...so I expanded a little, what's wrong with that?

I think edgy is my new word, because it seems to best describe my current state of being lately, EDGY. I think Alex was the only one who caught on to how off I was feeling Friday night until I went to leave and Karen asked me if I was OK. Then, she asked if I was drinking or thinking about drinking. I told her the latter, that is why I was leaving. I explained the full situation to her about not wanting to be there and she let me leave without anymore questions. I love band-mom. I was very concerned about Alex getting home though. He was pretty lit, but insisted he had it under control. I trust the other guys wouldn't let him do something stupid and left it to them, because I really needed to get out. I just couldn't stay there any longer. I felt just very edgy and closed in on there. I bet you are wondering what was the problem. Hmm. How can I explain this... I will have to find a way to do this PC and dance around a few of the topics.

Alex brought Jill out for the first time to meet the "group". Did I mention Jill and I went to high school together? Welcome to St. Louis! Mike, also, showed up. It was a nice surprise. Our schedules hadn't jived for 3-4 weeks now it seems like. And I was ending another stressful work week and still not drinking and happily not doing so, I think. Gail and Cindy were there too. They left without saying goodbye. I even dance with Marissa (by choice) Weird night. Changes. Changes.

Possum Kingdom didn't make it better for me either (of course, it didn't come true).

AAA - All about Alex

Happy 31st Birthday, Alex!
and
Congratulations on the big birthday present
on getting your divorce finalized yesterday.
I hope this year brings you lots
of wonderful new beginnings and big smiles.
You deserve every little bit of happiness in your new future.

Thank you for being the friend I can always count on.
I know you are always there
with constant and unending support.
You are my window and, often, my mirror too.
May all your wishes come true.