Listen hear, Do what you are told!!!

*Stepping up on my soap box*

Ladies and gentlemen, smartie pants nephews, and any one else who might come across this....

If someone suggests or tells you to do something, the person acting in authority is doing so usually in your best interest, SO LISTEN TO THEM NOW.

When a doctor prescribes a bunch of drugs, take the damn things even if you hate taking pills. For instance, I hate taking pills and sometimes I may not think the little devils are doing a damn thing anymore (but usually I am wrong (I know, can you believe it, me? wrong?) and I don't realize it until I miss a dose accidently). Right now I am taking what seems like a million pills every day for my PTSD and resulting conditions (Cymbalta, Lexapro, Toprol XL, Lyrica, Topamax, Disulfiram, Ovcon and occassionally Lunesta and Allegra) This little life saving cocktail is helping me improve my life everyday. I have never felt this good in the last 8 years, so guess what? The doctor knows better than I do when he said take a handful of damn little throat chokers several times a day (maybe not exactly in those words, but you get the point =)).

Or maybe when Mom tells you not to touch the car keys and to stop jumping around in the car, she means it. She doesn't really mean for you to nab the keys and put them in the ignition...And maybe turn the said keys in the ignition and put the van in reverse, promptly backing it into a tree while Mom is trying to strap 2 toddlers into the back seat. Hmmm, wrecking Mom's van when you are 4 does not bode well for future driving lessons (in 10 years or more). Trent, buddy, I say don't go anywhere near car keys for a very long time. I love you to death but wrecking mommy's car is not the way to become a big boy. You need to be good so Gabe can learn to be like you (except the smart mouth and wrecking cars part).

I'm sure there are a lot more examples to learn from out there right now but give people a chance, don't be so full of yourself all the time. People are trying to help you not have to make mistakes. They usually have already made the mistakes and want you to learn from them so you don't have to suffer to. OPEN YOUR EARS and your hearts. You'll be glad you did in the end. It is worth millions. Not everyone is right, but then again neither are you. Take a chance, listen to a friend, a teacher, doctor, co-worker, parent, sibling, or even a stranger, it is amazing what you can learn when you listen to another.

A Plug for my friend, Shaun's, Sis's Cookbook

From Shaun (former The Real Me bass player):

Hey everybody. The cookbook that I contributed some of my short stories is available now on Amazon. My sister Jeanne did the recipes, Brother Dane created the artwork, Brother Grant edited it and I wrote about ten short stories about family trips and old memories. Please let all of our friends know about it. There is a link on the Merchandise page of my web site. Here is the Amazon link too. Shaun

Christmas will be here before you know and if you are like me, you don't have a clue what to buy anyone....why not order a case of cookbooks, easy to drop in giftbags and hand out to all those people who give you gifts that you didn't have a clue you were supposed to buy for. Ahh, the life of a singleton gift giver.

Testing one's sanity

Beep, beep, beep

That is the lovely noise echoing throughout my workplace today, thanks to one my critical servers failing. Since the server was working, I left it up even though the controller card was testing the sanity level of the rest of my co-workers. Personally, I just found my noise-reduction headphones and didn't hear a single beep. Meanwhile, my co-workers were walking around severely frazzled. I don't think I have ever been so entertained at work.

To make things even better, the alarm company showed up after lunch to test the alarms. The frazzled over-caffeinated beings went to super shaky on the edge of sanity within minutes of the fire alarms starting. I must say I wish I had my camera today. I think I was the only one thinking clearly.

Beep, beep, beep

PS. The good news (besides making my co-workers crazy today) is that I got to order a new server due to arrive Thursday. New toys! Yippee!

Reality Bites

Living in the now can be a scary awakening. This year I've been scared of the past, scared of the future, and terrified of the now. There never seems to be enough time for me to take it all in and find a place to process all the thoughts in my head. I have a million "plans" for my future, but as the ideas hit I do not have enough time to absorb or research the thoughts as deeply as I would like.

I guess the initial thought here is I finally have plans. For so long I was terrified to try something new, terrified of failing. I velieve I can handle failure better now, I think. I could research almost anything to death or evaluate the same things over and over again. My problem is I don't get paid right now for research. To get a paycheck, my job demands that I work on IT stuff. Bummer.

There are not enough hours in my world to absorb the now. I feel like healing from the PTSD has been a whirl-wind tour. It took 7.5 yrs to create this mess and in 7 months now I've already made significant changes to improve my quality of life and not let the PTSD own quite as much of my world anymore. Hopefully, soon it will not own any of my world. We will see.

The past. Will I ever really be able to put the past behind me? Therapy has been great for me to understand the hows and whys of my life better. Each session has allowed me to put things in a better place and to rest. The past is done, behind me. I need to be done with it, too. Easier said than done. Done, done, done. The past created me, but I can't let it own me. Yet, I dwell on things I can no longer change and that no longer influence my future. I'm hoarding the past. I hide from everyone that I still do, but I remember so many bad things and I cannot let them go. This is where PTSD still owns me.

Suicide

This is a topic I'm not sure I ever really want to post, but the reality is I need to. It is not an action I contemplate now, but did in the past. My attempts were obviously, and thankfully, unsuccessful, but they did occur. The negative side is that my cries for help were unheard and useless in getting me the help I needed. Yet, I survive; and I live.

I hate to admit it, but add me up as another girl's school statistic. As much as they preach to one attending an all girl's school about depression, getting help, and signs of suicide, pride prevents you from accepting the fact you are falling victim to such an evil; and not wanting to betray your closest friends prevents you from helping others that show the tell-tale signs. When I hear people speak of wanting to go back and relive their teenage years, I cringe. Teenage life is not easy, filled with confusing lessons of trust, friendship, peer pressure, and survival.

People act shocked by suicide, talking about how selfish, what were they thinking? One, it is a cry out for attention, you aren't thinking about others feelings. You are only thinking about your own overwhelming feelings and how you need another to notice yours. You need help, but you don't want to be a burden...hence the act. And thinking? You are thinking you can't do it anymore. You feel helpless, scared, lost, and confused. Your thinking is very muddled and desperate. You need help to sort your thoughts out, but that help never seems to come. You spiral so far down til there is no place left to go...you have nothing left but to beckon on the end.

This blog scares me more than any other. I'm worried about my family and friends' reactions to my writing and sharing the above. I'm not proud of my actions years ago, not that I should be, but I feel the need to put the above into words and so I can put another chapter behind me. The other side, of my family and friends' reactions I worry about, is embarrassing them, but it was my reality. I can't deny that or hide it any more. Hiding it will just let it happen to someone else...and I've already known too many who have taken their own. Why do I worry about embarrassing them? Shouldn't I be more embarrassed and ashamed of myself? or is it OK to accept this as my past since I no longer contemplate repeating, just remember. Remembering now and hopefully some day forgetting.

Coincidence has it that when I wrote most of this last night I was unaware that today there would be a dedication of a park bench and tree at Wilmore Park to a family friend who unexpectedly took his own life this past December.

Have I mentioned lately

Have I mentioned lately how great my ex-husband's girlfriend, Lisa, is? Not only did she invite me out for girl's night last night, when I didn't show or call, she followed up with phone calls today to make sure I was ok.

Life is queer sometimes. I have found a great friend in Lisa. It is very comforting knowing I have another great person looking out for me when times gets tough. She is, also, a great time out on the dance floor, or anywhere I end up with her.

Keep on rockin' girl!

Van Gogh'ing it

I am on day 5 of a stupid ear infection (probably swimmer's ear). No, Mom, I have not been to the GP Dr. because I personally feel 2 inches tall everytime I go in to see the man. So, here I suffer. I used to get a lot of ear infections and bouts of swimmer's ear in my early 20s, but I've suffered little with ear problems in the last few years til now. Damnit.

At this moment, I totally understand why Van Gogh lopped the damn thing off. I'm sure his ear was swollen like a golf ball trailing down his jaw line like mine and the only sure sign of relief was to cut it off and eliminate the source of pain. Although, I'm not quite sure the Van Gogh-look will help me in the looks and dating departments. However, it will give me a chance to wear all these unmatched earrings I have, since I constantly seem to lose just one of each pair I own.

This, also, may be the dog gods way of punishing me. My golden retriever, Chili, suffers constantly from ear infections and ulcers. No matter how much TLC I give him the damn things are constantly a bother to him. Right now, I'm feeling incredibly guilty and hoping to find away to clear us both up this weekend (even it is taking a bit of advice from my trusty Van Gogh).

JUST MAKE IT GO AWAY!!!!!