Peace

Let there be peace on Earth always seemed to be one of those hymns sung a lot at Christmas. The song, a simple one, often has brought a smile to my face when I here a young child sing it, but, still, it has always been just another song.

Let there be peace on earth
And let it begin with me.
Let there be peace on earth
The peace that was meant to be.
With God as our father
Brothers all are we.
Let me walk with my brother
In perfect harmony.

Last Tuesday, I attended the funeral of Mike Lynch. Mike died serving the peaceful community of Kirkwood. He was one of several killed on February 7th in a not-so-peaceful night at Kirkwood City Hall. Senseless, confusing, terrifying...yes, yes, yes.

As I walked into church, I was handed a program containing the hymns for the mass and memorial. I did not think much of the paper I was gripping until I was sitting anxiously for the mass to start. To distract myself from trying to converse in the somber and awkward moments before the mass started, I flipped through the 4 pages looking at the hymns. Most of the hymns, I did not know (surprising since I've spent many hours in Catholic masses singing the same hymns over and over again). The last two, I knew well: Let there be peace on Earth and On Eagle's Wings. On Eagle's Wings didn't surprise me (a funeral favorite, if there is such a thing), but Let there be peace on Earth caught me off-guard, very off-guard.

All night Monday, I was dreading having to hold my tears back during Taps at the burial, but seeing the words, "Let there be peace on Earth" Tuesday morning really choked me up. Usually at a funeral, peace in thoughts of a final resting place is assumed. This funeral, peace was not assumed at all. Peace was needed. Peace was needed in my heart, and in several hearts around me, to help us wrap our heads around what was happening around us and what happened to Mike just days earlier. Peace was needed by the community of Kirkwood...not bickering over racial issues or who to blame for this man's senseless act. Peace on Earth...Peace in Kirkwood was a need...and a simple song helped put it into all of our minds.

Never would I have thought of a more perfect song for the situation. Formerly a take it or leave it Christmas hymn, Let there be peace on Earth put a little peace into each and everyone of the attending's hearts and souls.

Let peace begin with me
Let this be the moment now.
With every step i take
Let this be my solemn vow.
To take each moment
And live each moment
With peace eternally.
Let there be peace on earth,
And let it begin with me.

Somewhere over the rainbow

Some day I'll wish upon a star
And wake up where the clouds are far behind me
Where troubles melt like lemondrops
Away above the chimney tops
That's where you'll find me

Maybe Mom was right, it is a curse to know our family, or maybe just a curse to know me...Hell, maybe even to be me.

I have not done too well at putting on my happy face lately. It is not from lack of trying. I want to be happy. I want to make others happy, but I fail. I seem to let down the ones I love the most. I cannot seem to balance all the pieces I want in my life. I want to love and be loved. I want to do everything I can for my friends. I want a successful, enjoyable career. I want to do all the things that make and have made me, well, me.

I tend to hide my emotions, but once I let one slip out, the flood wall breaks and out they all pour out. I don't want to be weak. I don't want to make others around me to think of me as needy or think I am guilting them. I just can't seem to find the happy medium.

I have learned in the last few years through therapy. I need to find my downtime. I need to regroup. When I don't, I feel this weight dragging me down. When I do, I seem to hurt someone or something in my life.

I do not want to be alone in life. I do not want to lose the people I love. I do not want to hurt people.

I try to remember life pre-accident. Things back then didn't seem as complicated. I could go for months with not a single bit of downtime. I never ran out of energy. I didn't need sleep. Now, two evenings in a row away from the house seems to drain me. (Then, I seem to drain the life out the ones I love with my lack of energy.)

I want to move forward with my life. I want to do so with the people in my life. I don't want to lose anymore. I want to be happy. I don't want to live in my hole alone, but right now that seems where I'm destined to be.

Torn

there's a window by the bedroom door that never will be opened
if you spend the whole day looking out and never look within
and your lover and your mother and your father have been hopin'
that you find the truths you're looking for by searching deep within
so sad about me?
i'm sad about you
there's a reason why the sunrise sets and friends and loved ones leave us
there's a method to the madness like a future to your past
and your lover and your brother and your sister should believe us
'cause the mysteries beyond our reach are firmly in our grasp
anything is possible.
in the morning when you wake yourself you wonder what you're doing
as you rub your eyes so violently while falling out of bed.
is there nothing educational in words that you are chewing
as you seek the soothing solace of a friendly shower head.
but i really must admit that i am glad that i am living
there were times when i would pray to God and ask that i was not.
and i've learned that taking isn't really have as much as giving
but the secret to your wisdom is the oneness in your soul.
~So Sad about You by Cowboy Mouth

I think the above sums me up right now.

Watching files download

I'm sitting here watching files download. I lead an exciting life, I know.

I was trying to think of something worth writing about while I watch time pass 1% of my file download at a time, but nothing is striking me as worthwhile.

I am in no way discontent with my lack of provoking thought. I just want to get through today, another day....another day, which the world turned at a very slow pace in comparison to my mind...another day, where the sun never really shined...another day, where I'm still trying to figure it all out.

What is it? Good question. Life, to be general. I have no real definition or plan for it, nor am I a fly by the seat of my pants through life type either. I am some where in the middle. I guess I am truly a Libra. I like certain things about my life planned, but I like leaving enough room that I am not locked plans. Life changes quickly, so I need to be able to change my plans quickly with it.

68.9% of my file is downloaded.

A former co-worker sent an email today that made me chuckle. He moved to CA awhile back but still listens to the local radio stations over the internet during the day. His email included a link to a story about a man assaulted by hot cookies after his friends stole drugs from the two men, but that is not why I laughed....underneath the link was another line from him, "BTW, highs will be in the lower 60's expect minor delays on 40 Westbound" Did I mention he lives in CA now? Thanks for the update, Matt.

84.1% of my file is downloaded.

Jon just stopped in to interrupt my blog-zen...he mentioned that he often writes posts but never gets around to finishing, or posting. I am guilty of doing the same thing. I either am afraid of posting, don't finish it to my idea of complete thought for a posting, or let it simmer for awhile and post it no matter what it says, how complete or incomplete it is. The posting is the relief, letting that something off my back or out of my head, and one more thing I don't have to keep shelled up inside.

Download complete. Have a great evening.

Numb

Numb:

1. Deprived of the power to feel or move normally; benumbed
2. Emotionally unresponsive; indifferent

Life has lost its luster lately. Excitement is gone; what little is there, is forced. Emotions are fading. Crying, which isn't an emotion I ever really expressed until I started on the meds, is even fading. I am accomplishing more this way, but my world is becoming very isolated again.

Brought to you by the number Zero

My week in review:

High Point

• My birthday - I think 31 has been more exciting and filled with more little surprises than 30. Everyone really made me feel good with plenty of smiles and laughter filling my air. I loved my day....and days.
  

Mid Points

• Uncle Harv had his kidney stones broken up via laser, finally. No more tearing up his insides trying to pass them. Cool part is the laser left bruising on his back in little dot patterns, connect the dots any one?
• Pretty much everyone I know had a rough week at work: Meags with her presentations, Alex being told he may have to go on another tour immediately, Me being stupid and trying to catch up and not taking a weekend just made for crappy all the way around. Many more stories, but none are coming to mind at the moment.
• Geoff-geoff had another knee surgery, more scar tissue removed, no more dead people parts added. Wondering if he says, "I am dead people" now. During his drugged up state on Thursday night, I directed him in hooking up his Voip backwards...maybe he should have shared the pain killers.
  

Bad Points

• Uncle Terry went in for angioplasty and instead is getting bypass surgery. Grr. Pray.
• Meags, poor Meags has lost two of her animals this week: Schoogz, her sugar glider, and Midnight, her dog. I hate seeing her this upset.
• Dr. Brian lost one of his labs.
  

If I am correct, that is 3 animal deaths and 3 surgical procedures. Damn 3. I'm liking zero today.

First Anniversary of 30

Five AM and not a bad start to a Monday, my first day of my first year officially over 30: a Starbuck's giftcard from Kristan, an 8 layer cake from Jon (God bless his soul for aiming for 31 layers), a Happy Birthday IM from Alex at midnight, and a countdown of text messages from Michele my belle.

Oh, I can't forget an email from my favorite band, Cowboy Mouth and a birthday coupon for SHOES! LoL

Where did I go wrong

Life is pretty sad when 2 songs looping endlessly in your head say it all...How to Save a Life by The Fray and Hate Me Today by Blue October.

Step one you say we need to talk
He walks you say sit down it's just a talk
He smiles politely back at you
You stare politely right on through
Some sort of window to your right
As he goes left and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame
You begin to wonder why you came

There are so many people in my life I just want/*need* to sit down and talk with about our friendships (what the friendships are, what they were, what they are lacking or not now) and about other topics driving our everyday lives. The problem is I do not feel like the people I really need to talk with are available to me. People don't want to hear the truth no matter what the topic, if it is not peachy keen. I think that is why the real issues stay bottled up inside just eating away at me all the time. Things, and events, I should shake off, I replay over and over (thanks, PTSD). The one thing that eases the pain and stress is talking out the stressor, but to who? The person I need to talk with just avoids any and all real in depth conversation or is a person I cannot even approach any more. What the hell? Is this what it is all about? I hate it. People often say they would never go back to the social aspects of high school. At least, back then, every thing, as far as I know, in my life, was brutally honest with my friends. Life was simple. I knew where I stood with people. They knew where they stood with me. I never was killing myself from the inside out with my own over thought. I am not blaming every one else. I know I can be just as guilty but so many people make themselves unavailable making me fear if I open up and expose myself and how hurt and falling apart I am...I'll be nothing. I have no one to trust.

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

As he begins to raise his voice
You lower yours and grant him one last choice
Drive until you lose the road
Or break with the ones you've followed
He will do one of two things
He will admit to everything
Or he'll say he's just not the same
And you'll begin to wonder why you came

How to Save a Life by The Fray

Decompression Stop - 30

A decompression stop is a period of time a diver must spend at a constant depth in shallow water at the end of a dive to safely eliminate absorbed inert gases from the diver's body to avoid decompression sickness

Today is my last stop of my 30th year. There is a lot to be to eliminated today, but as much time as I have spent decompressing this weekend. I am failing at fully decompressing this year and the past 30 year's events. I do not know how to let go. Damn the PTSD. Damn life.

My birthday wish tomorrow is to be able to stop, decompress each year, and leave the toxins in my life behind me. Push my reset button. Clear my cache. Delete my temporary internet files. I must past 'Go'. For once I want to see the screen, "Please wait while your system reboots..."

I am not by any means saying 30 was a bad year. I just wish I knew how to let things go. I wish life's replay didn't eat away my brain daily. It hurts. It hurts bad. There are countless times a day one of my replays brings a flood of flashbacks and tears to my head. My only defense is to squeeze my eyes tight, hold back the tears, let the memory play out, distract myself, and keep moving forward. Forward progress is mandatory.

Back to the point of the last paragraph, 30 wasn't a bad year: new relationship, new job, new friends, new songs from The Real Me (finally), friends having gobs of new babies, friends (esp Becky) getting married, waking up from anesthesia, picking up an old hobby in cycling, riding 100 miles in the MS 150, spending 99% of my year drink free, and surviving 30 years, 363 days thus far in life.

Yet, with every good point, there is the counterpoint: break-ups, floods at work, having to leave friends at my old toxic job, friends losing parents and children, losing my gall bladder, losing my dog, losing friends, watching my friends hurt, PTSD, depression, court date being pushed back again, feeling trapped in life, money, drinking when I did last year, knowing people won't tell me the truth, feeling alone, and suffering through 30 plus years.

And, of course, the bittersweets:

• Chris, the ex-husband, and Lisa are engaged. Congrats! - I know. And some, who have known since day 2, have totally avoided the topic with me. And Chris, promised to let me know himself, has never bothered to call and let me know.
• So-called friends have endlessly let me down this year, which continues to make me feel like I have no one to turn to in life when I really need to fall apart. I just want to know someone is there when I finally decide to open up...but...more let downs...real friends please. Fake ones need not waste my few brain cells that are not at war.
• Therapy-Therapy costs lots of $$. Money doesn't grow on trees. Without therapy, I feel awful, but with it, I can't survive.
• Same goes for good jobs - not sure what to do about the 2 - Year 31 will clarify b/c year 30 did not work, at all.
• Brother 1 is talking to me again, but I still don't have the means to help lure him out of this relationship. I know if I was in the position I was in last year or the year before I could probably have him lured out from the witch, yet, the whore still triumphs. I wish I could make thing better for him.
• Ok, I better stop now. I went from probably a good idea to a 3am rant. Good night, back to bed for me
  

I need a bath

Anytime I feel really sick, or anxious, I used to take really hot bathes and just bury myself in the water. Nothing is as soothing as hot water; nothing relieves the pressure like soaking in a big tub. Almost scalding hot water slows me down, warms me up, and allows me to drift off to sleep. Yes, I sleep in the bathtub. Drowning myself in the warmth of the soothing water where only my mouth and nose, and occasionally feet, peeking out to feel the cool air. Listening to the distorted sounds of the world through the water, I find peace in metally sounds of the air bubbles rising from my hair or my body occasionally shifting and moving the water around me.

I need a bath.

Scars

I can't make them go away. I can't make them stop hurting. I feel like I swallowed a million razor blades tonight...and the only thing the scars beg for is release, or maybe more pain. I just want to stab them with a needle to feed the pain, or maybe release it for good. If I feed it, maybe it will sleep for bit and let me be.

Every time I forget the scares are there, I accidentally brush against one of them or scratch an itch and there they are...jagged little edges...no meat behind them...shallows on my own body....holes where someone got inside of me, but a piss poor job of putting me back together whole. Easy access so maybe they can cut me open again? or just permanently marking me as imperfect.

No one wanted to scare me, and tell me how awful it would be in the end. Everyone just provided me with hope-filled wishes that when it is all over every thing will be better. You'll feel so much better when it is over. HA!...later as I still deal with the constant pain and complications, the truth comes out...It was awful, totally rearranged my insides. I haven't been the same since. Screw hope. I wish I would have known the truth and what the future really had in store for me.

Waking up, feelings as though they were trying to suffocate me...the pain...walking around, holding my insides in, fearing if I let them go, everything would fall out. I didn't care enough to ask for help thought, continuing to push myself further and harder only to cause more pain. The tearing and pulling, at what little of my insides that were still intact, only to in the end, hurt more.

Still, I rub, I scratch the scars. The depressed, rough scar where there once was perfection and the reality of imperfection now stakes claim.

Outside Looking In

Socially awkward. Yes, the adaptable extrovert in me still cannot handle social events sober.

I am not drinking. I do not drink in groups. I have in a couple rare situations this year drank in groups and later regretted it severely. For the most part I have only had a single glass of wine, or drink, in rare one on one dinner situations. I don't want to be the idiot drunk, but it is so hard being the only sober person sometimes.

When everyone else is drinking and I am not, I need to escape. I get antsy, panic-y, and self-conscious. Why should I, the only one not acting like an drunken fool, feel self-conscious???? because I don't know how to relate to the drinkers. I am, also, at the point that I don't want to take care of the drinkers either. I usually seem bored or ADDish. The later in the drinking evening it gets the more I want to run away.

I am permanently out of my element.

A toast to Becky and Rob

I met Becky the first day she moved back to St. Louis from Omaha. It was the first day of our freshman year at Ursuline, our first big day in high school. She immediately became part of me and my family. In fact to this day, my nineteen year old brother, who was just 3 when he met her still refers to her as "Becky-sister".

So, today, we are all here (thank you for being here) for Becky and Rob's wedding, albeit 50 years early from the best laid plans we made in high school. I think the original plan was for me to be pushing Becky in her wheelchair down the aisle around the age of 80. Thanks for screwing that up, Rob, but I'm sure Mom and Dad Clemens are very greatful....because the UA "boobsie twins" were not always known for planning well, or making the best decisions....

Cooking for example - Beck and I CANNOT cook. Simple things, like Uncle Ben's boil rice bags...eh, not so much. Evidently, you can burn boil bag rice. Yes, somehow two bright girls like ourselves could not handle the simple things like boiling a bag of rice, soooo we knew if either of us found a man who could cook...we should keep him. Rob, you can cook, right???

Driving - anyone ever ride in a car with Becky??? Don't blame me. I tried to teach her to drive...being 10 months older and driving a land barge at 16. Becks wanted to learn to drive. I thought I could teach her. Again, ehhhhh, not so much. All I remember is driving through our friend, Colleen's, subdivision and suddenly seeing Becky heading for mailboxes and parked cars screaming, "NOOOOO, the other peddle, the other peddle"

Drinking - Dad, do you remember in your toast you mentioned those little infractions....hmmmm, yessssss...I think you busted us on a few of those back in the day. Our first party with alcohol, Becky and I had not acquired a taste for beer, but that did not stop us from wanting to fit in. I remember us walking around all night with cans of beer in our hands, the same two cans of warm beer....occasionally putting the beers up to our mouths acting like we were drinking. Then, Mom and Dad Clemens show up to drive us home. Next morning, Becky and I are down in the kitchen, Becky asks me what I want to drink. Jim (Dad) shouts from the living room, "Hey Sheila, How about a beer?" BUSTED. Busted and we didn't even really drink. I remember Becky and I just looking at each other with looks of shock.

Fast forward to many moments I wish to forget at Tremors. Musical influences that changed as much as we have...MC Hammer, FU Schnickens, DePeche Mode, NIN, a brief hiccup in country music, an uncanny obsession with Jessie's Girl. Our friends getting married, having kids, finding our first gray hairs.....then Becky meets Rob.

Sarah and Wayne married 2 years ago in San Diego. Becky and I flew out there for the wedding. On the trip out, we read together, "He's just not that into you". Many of you have heard of the book, it is by the author of the show "Sex and the City". It is one of those pump women up and tell you how great guys should be treating you. As Becky and I read, and giggled, and related stories of the past and present. There was a constant theme. Everything ended with, "Rob's soooo great. He does that for me all the time." I knew she found her one.

Rob, Mrs. Kjar's husband, there are a few things you need to know.

Becky loves to be woken up to someone singing "Can you take me high enough"...the louder and more out of tune, the better. Its your job now, since I don't think we will be having any more sleepovers.

And if she ever shows up to really important events with yellow bleached out bombshell hair. Just smile and tell her how beautiful she looks. (that was my wedding btw)

And most importantly, if she EVER tries to set me up on another blind date with a blonde horse mullet guy with hair longer than mine (fifteen years later and I'm still not over that). Please tell her no. I'll take care of my own love life. After all, she can't find success in love twice. She found you for herself.

Please raise your glasses.......

Happy Birthday, Ol' Man

You're officially over 50!

or is this

Happy 1st Anniversary of your 50th Birthday?

Hope you've put that AARP card to some good use over the last year =)

I love you!

~Your first favorite effan daughter~

You've got a friend in me...

You've got a friend in me.
You've got a friend in me.
When the road looks rough ahead,
And you're miles and miles from your nice warm bed.
You just remember what your old pal said.
Boy, you've got a friend in me.
Yeah, you've got a friend in me.

It is a very lonely and scary when I can't talk to my best friends. It sucks that some travel, some live in other cities, and some just have lives that are too busy to take time out for a chat. I miss them. I miss who I am with them.

You've got a friend in me.
You've got a friend in me.
If you've got troubles, and I got 'em too.
There isn't anything I wouldn't do for you.
If we stick together we can see it through,
Cause you got a friend in me.
Yeah, you got a friend in me.

Right now, some of my best friends are hundreds, if not thousands, of miles away; others are only right down the street, yet, I feel I can't talk to any of them. I am feeling very isolated I know if I reach out my friends will always be there for me.

The problem is...I don't know how to reach out when I am falling apart on the insides. I feel no one understand the amount of pain I experience on a daily basis, both physically and mentally. If I show it, I am depressing or a downer and no one will want to be around me. If I don't, I am left in the same quandary I am in now...isolation with no easy out.

Some other folks might be a little bit smarter than I am.
Bigger and stronger too.
Baby, but none of them will ever love you the way I do,
It's me and you, boy.

I know, this year especially, several of my friends have been to hell and back with their own problems, which makes it seem petty of me to think I have my own any more, but I do...and I crumble alone.

And as the years go by,
Our friendship will never die.
You gonna see it's our destiny.
You got a friend in me.
You got a friend in me.
Yeah, you got a friend in me

I selected this song to go with this post because the song always makes me happy for one; and two, it is a good reminder of the strength of friendship through thick and thin which is something we sometimes take for granted, or in my case lately, scared to take advantage of...

I am terrified at times to turn to my friends, my really, good friends. The friend who have pictures of me painted from 10 years ago...I can't live up to that girl anymore. I depress myself trying. I feel every time I turn around I am letting someone close to me down. Not on purpose, the world is out of my control.

I keep trying to go back to GAM (camp), skipping down the gravel road, linked arms, seeing each other for the first time in a year (or more), and singing this song at the top of our lungs, out of tune, without a care in the world...

Note: I started writing this on May 3rd, added a bit, and finally posted today.

~"You've got a Friend" lyrics by Randy Newton

Wishing for the simple life

Life is just happening around me. I am lost, maybe not lost, but stagnant. I see everyone moving about, but I feel paralyzed and panicked when I think about moving along with them.

Tonight several of my coworkers were going out to dinner and a movie. I wanted to join them, but the thought of spending an evening out with everyone drained me. I hate the anxious feeling I get on nights like this. I look forward to going out with everyone. just to have fun outside of work. Yet, as the event draws closer, everything in my body tightens up and weakens. It is funny how I have a comfort zone with everyone, if we are at work, but, if we leave the building and enter foreign territory, I tend to freeze up or act out of character as a defense mechanism. I just want to break out of this draining pattern. It is killing me.

This last week has been overly sad and difficult. Many of those I care about most in life have lost loved ones, or spent too much time in the hospital panicking over the health of their families. Dad C. had serious surgery and suffered from subsequent infections that have kept him in the ICU the last week. Beck and Mom have been worried sick. I pray this is the end of his health issues as he has to skip Becky down the aisle in that fancy wedding dress of hers next month. Emily suffered two losses this week, her grandmother and, tragically, her four month pregnant cousin. Ryan and Kelly have lost another parent this year to cancer. In addition to Kelly's Dad, Ryan's Mom passed on Tuesday. Kelly's grandma was, also, ill but is on the mends. I have to say Kelly and Ryan are two of the strongest people I've seen. I think soon-to-be baby, Charlotte, has a lot to do with that. Hope is a great thing. I think it is much needed after this last week. Also, my co-worker Danny had a death in his family too. Ugh, so much soo close...sad.

I'm finding a lot of guilt in the deaths and illnesses around me. I don't know how to be there for my friends without sending my own depression and contemplations on death into a tailspin. I used to be able to be the strong one, be at funerals, hospitals, the shoulder to lean on...now, I don't even know what to say or how to broach the subject. I've become weak.

I'm tired. It is 7. Alex is on the other side of the world. I wish I were there.

I think I will give up now and just give into the sleep. Good night all.

Down to one hand

...I'm sober now for 3 whole months it's one accomplishment that you helped me with
The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing I won't touch again
In a sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night
While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight...

I'm looking at the calendar, reading my old blog and journal entries, and realizing that I can count a year's worth of my stupid, binge alcohol nights all on one hand. The fight isn't over, but it is easier.

Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you

I wish the anxiety would just go away forever. I think, then, I could finally forget about having a drink in uneasy situations. The difference now is that I get the itchiness, the uncomfortable anxious feeling, and occasionally let myself have a drink, just one. The one drink doesn't take away the itch, but it does leave me feeling more depressed for a few days afterwards. I have to say drinking is officially ruined for me. The cravings are still present on the bad days and moments, but, then, the debate in my head begins...is it worth it, do I really want this, the next few days....

Lyrics from "Hate Me Today" by Blue October

Frustration

Frustration is waking up realizing that you sold yourself short. You have no one but yourself to blame...and now you have to find yourself a new sale.

Posts of Late

I have been pretty lost in my own head lately and not in the mood to write. When I do write, it doesn't seem to fit my blog or what it used to be when I started it. The writing seems blah and of no interest to me, so I doubt it will be to anyone else. I posted a few things, but none really seem of much consequence. I can't decide if I am disenchanted with the world, or bothered so much that the world seems disenchanted with me. I keep trying to forge ahead, but my defense mechanisms are failing me and I'm lacking self enough right now to react. Some times I want to throw in the towel and go back to some place where I knew where I stood. I thought I had made a lot of new friends this year, only to have that carpet ripped out from underneath me. I wanted this year to be a fresh start and new beginning. I try to peddle forward, but I seem to be rolling downhill at a steady pace. Overall mentally, I feel better and more sure about myself and my head in comparison to last year, but I no longer have the same strong core of people around me daily that I always knew I could trust. I thought I was building a new one, but two weeks ago I awaken to the reality that it was all in my head. Grrr, my head.