Posts of Late

I have been pretty lost in my own head lately and not in the mood to write. When I do write, it doesn't seem to fit my blog or what it used to be when I started it. The writing seems blah and of no interest to me, so I doubt it will be to anyone else. I posted a few things, but none really seem of much consequence. I can't decide if I am disenchanted with the world, or bothered so much that the world seems disenchanted with me. I keep trying to forge ahead, but my defense mechanisms are failing me and I'm lacking self enough right now to react. Some times I want to throw in the towel and go back to some place where I knew where I stood. I thought I had made a lot of new friends this year, only to have that carpet ripped out from underneath me. I wanted this year to be a fresh start and new beginning. I try to peddle forward, but I seem to be rolling downhill at a steady pace. Overall mentally, I feel better and more sure about myself and my head in comparison to last year, but I no longer have the same strong core of people around me daily that I always knew I could trust. I thought I was building a new one, but two weeks ago I awaken to the reality that it was all in my head. Grrr, my head.

KC

I'm in KC this weekend. I left without freaking out too much about leaving town this time, which is a definitely progress for me. I still had the deep sense that I would better off staying at home, but it is Emily's 30th birthday. I cannot let her down. I have probably done that too many times already the last few years by freaking out at the last minute and skipping my trips here. She does too much for me and is always here. I have to love her.

She had a BBQ yesterday. There were lots of new people for me to meet. I did ok, at first, but as I tired, I became more distant and out of place feeling with the group. I probably should've taken a nap or something, but I didn't want to not be around for something or feel weird for disappearing.

My parents made the trip to KC too. They spent most of the weekend with my aunt and uncle, but did join us for lunch Sunday and Emily's BBQ. I think they had a pretty good time since they left much later than expected and kept finding excuses to have one more drink. I wish they would've stayed til Monday instead of driving back so late on Sunday night to StL.

discombobulated

Saturday night/Sunday morning, my mind was in a very depressed and scary state. I am not sure I ever freaked out that bad in the last year and a half, but I recovered quickly. I had a long talk with Alex that brought my heart rate under 100 for the first time in 24 hrs. (He can be great and supportive when it comes to talking out the scary stuff locked in my head.) Just putting my thoughts into words released the pain bottled up inside.

The two of us had dinner, which was nice, simple, and a distraction I really needed. I freaked out in my head at one point, but I don't think Alex even realized it. I don't want him or anyone to think of me as depressed. I know he most likely already thinks of me as a real downer, so I bottled up my little freak out, which allowed me to go back to enjoying the night and eventually put it out of my head.

Panic Room

aka where I'm currently living in my head

I have to let go.

Desperately need: Sleep. Meds. Doctor. Shoulder-to-cry-on. Him-to-hold-me.

Tempting fixes: alcohol (specifically Margarita, Jager Bomb, Mind Eraser, bottle of Pinot Noir)

What I will be settling with tonight: writing, tears, meditation, letting the hernia win

Bodily damaged incurred by drunks today: severe stomach pain, pulled lower back, and busted nose

# of friends pissed off = 1, maybe 2

I made plans today to go out for cinco de mayo with my ex-husband, his girlfriend (I adore), several mutual friends, and my friend, Rick. When I woke this morning, I really felt like staying home, but I pushed myself and went. I felt very disconnected from everyone and very alone inside. I really just wanted to spend, yet, another weekend curled up in a ball on the couch.

After Mi Lupita, all of us decided to go see my friends' band, The REAL Me. I thought, maybe, hearing my favorite band and being surrounded with drunk, happy people would make me feel better. In the end, I only seem to be more depressed. In less than a year, I've associated so much of my band experience to him and the memories just wouldn't stop coming. I think I'm going to have to stay far away from the band gigs for awhile. I can't deal. Dating was much easier before I fell in love with him. I just want him to be happy; and I think he has decided I am not the one he wants to do that for him.

Here I write...Broken heart. Broken mind. Broken soul.

I found Poe, but someone stole my sheep

I have not been asleep 2 hours, yet. I couldn't fall asleep last night because I thought my heart was going to find a way to beat itself out of my chest. I just love anxiety. A few minutes ago, I woke to a pain that most closely resembles the thought of having someone take a knife to my abdomen without using anesthetic first. Nothing makes this pain to go away.

My freak, I mean friend, Beth and I had a really good chat tonight. I think she is the only one that can go from breakups to babies to death to our aging bodies to ways of torturing my co-workers to calming me enough to consider closing my eyes. She can relate to my life on so many levels including a pretty deep conversation on death and the bothersome traits of Christian wakes and burial.

Death has been a constant theme lately which doesn't help a girl with PTSD. Cardinal pitcher, Josh Hancock, died in a car wreck; and pictures of his SUV are everywhere I look. Very tough for me, reliving my own wreck has increased tenfold. A friend from high school, and current co-worker, lost her father to cancer. It was so quick...and reminds me of how quickly it has taken so many I know, especially Uncle Steve. I worry about her and having so much on her plate right now. I'm not sure if I could be as strong. She needs a break.

Like my conversation with Beth last night, I do not end on the note of death.

Mikey, you better pop out of your Mom's swollen belly this week. She needs a break from boredom. Come on out and show her how much she wishes she had this down time again. I love you, Sarah.

Reality bites

If I could turn back time...

It is 6am

...And I'm wondering why I am at work and what is so damn important here, because I can't figure it out for the life of me.

Evidently, along with the world, I am still broken or so I heard at 5am...and I think some people will always view me that way. Enough crying over split milk for the morning.

7am - I realized I just sold myself for the Clusterville's chai.

8am - my 6am arrival was in vane because I am currently deploying a different version of the same files. You mean I could have slept another 2 hrs??? I wish you people would make up your mind. It is not my fault you didn't give any detail or give the required information. Grrrrrrr

I know. It is 8am and I've had one too many conversations with too many people today. Can I go to bed now?

PS. I just realized someone is having fun hiding people's toys in odd places. I'm going on a hunt now for Poe after finding my turtle in the kitchen cabinets.