Peace

Let there be peace on Earth always seemed to be one of those hymns sung a lot at Christmas. The song, a simple one, often has brought a smile to my face when I here a young child sing it, but, still, it has always been just another song.

Let there be peace on earth
And let it begin with me.
Let there be peace on earth
The peace that was meant to be.
With God as our father
Brothers all are we.
Let me walk with my brother
In perfect harmony.

Last Tuesday, I attended the funeral of Mike Lynch. Mike died serving the peaceful community of Kirkwood. He was one of several killed on February 7th in a not-so-peaceful night at Kirkwood City Hall. Senseless, confusing, terrifying...yes, yes, yes.

As I walked into church, I was handed a program containing the hymns for the mass and memorial. I did not think much of the paper I was gripping until I was sitting anxiously for the mass to start. To distract myself from trying to converse in the somber and awkward moments before the mass started, I flipped through the 4 pages looking at the hymns. Most of the hymns, I did not know (surprising since I've spent many hours in Catholic masses singing the same hymns over and over again). The last two, I knew well: Let there be peace on Earth and On Eagle's Wings. On Eagle's Wings didn't surprise me (a funeral favorite, if there is such a thing), but Let there be peace on Earth caught me off-guard, very off-guard.

All night Monday, I was dreading having to hold my tears back during Taps at the burial, but seeing the words, "Let there be peace on Earth" Tuesday morning really choked me up. Usually at a funeral, peace in thoughts of a final resting place is assumed. This funeral, peace was not assumed at all. Peace was needed. Peace was needed in my heart, and in several hearts around me, to help us wrap our heads around what was happening around us and what happened to Mike just days earlier. Peace was needed by the community of Kirkwood...not bickering over racial issues or who to blame for this man's senseless act. Peace on Earth...Peace in Kirkwood was a need...and a simple song helped put it into all of our minds.

Never would I have thought of a more perfect song for the situation. Formerly a take it or leave it Christmas hymn, Let there be peace on Earth put a little peace into each and everyone of the attending's hearts and souls.

Let peace begin with me
Let this be the moment now.
With every step i take
Let this be my solemn vow.
To take each moment
And live each moment
With peace eternally.
Let there be peace on earth,
And let it begin with me.

Somewhere over the rainbow

Some day I'll wish upon a star
And wake up where the clouds are far behind me
Where troubles melt like lemondrops
Away above the chimney tops
That's where you'll find me

Maybe Mom was right, it is a curse to know our family, or maybe just a curse to know me...Hell, maybe even to be me.

I have not done too well at putting on my happy face lately. It is not from lack of trying. I want to be happy. I want to make others happy, but I fail. I seem to let down the ones I love the most. I cannot seem to balance all the pieces I want in my life. I want to love and be loved. I want to do everything I can for my friends. I want a successful, enjoyable career. I want to do all the things that make and have made me, well, me.

I tend to hide my emotions, but once I let one slip out, the flood wall breaks and out they all pour out. I don't want to be weak. I don't want to make others around me to think of me as needy or think I am guilting them. I just can't seem to find the happy medium.

I have learned in the last few years through therapy. I need to find my downtime. I need to regroup. When I don't, I feel this weight dragging me down. When I do, I seem to hurt someone or something in my life.

I do not want to be alone in life. I do not want to lose the people I love. I do not want to hurt people.

I try to remember life pre-accident. Things back then didn't seem as complicated. I could go for months with not a single bit of downtime. I never ran out of energy. I didn't need sleep. Now, two evenings in a row away from the house seems to drain me. (Then, I seem to drain the life out the ones I love with my lack of energy.)

I want to move forward with my life. I want to do so with the people in my life. I don't want to lose anymore. I want to be happy. I don't want to live in my hole alone, but right now that seems where I'm destined to be.

Torn

there's a window by the bedroom door that never will be opened
if you spend the whole day looking out and never look within
and your lover and your mother and your father have been hopin'
that you find the truths you're looking for by searching deep within
so sad about me?
i'm sad about you
there's a reason why the sunrise sets and friends and loved ones leave us
there's a method to the madness like a future to your past
and your lover and your brother and your sister should believe us
'cause the mysteries beyond our reach are firmly in our grasp
anything is possible.
in the morning when you wake yourself you wonder what you're doing
as you rub your eyes so violently while falling out of bed.
is there nothing educational in words that you are chewing
as you seek the soothing solace of a friendly shower head.
but i really must admit that i am glad that i am living
there were times when i would pray to God and ask that i was not.
and i've learned that taking isn't really have as much as giving
but the secret to your wisdom is the oneness in your soul.
~So Sad about You by Cowboy Mouth

I think the above sums me up right now.

Watching files download

I'm sitting here watching files download. I lead an exciting life, I know.

I was trying to think of something worth writing about while I watch time pass 1% of my file download at a time, but nothing is striking me as worthwhile.

I am in no way discontent with my lack of provoking thought. I just want to get through today, another day....another day, which the world turned at a very slow pace in comparison to my mind...another day, where the sun never really shined...another day, where I'm still trying to figure it all out.

What is it? Good question. Life, to be general. I have no real definition or plan for it, nor am I a fly by the seat of my pants through life type either. I am some where in the middle. I guess I am truly a Libra. I like certain things about my life planned, but I like leaving enough room that I am not locked plans. Life changes quickly, so I need to be able to change my plans quickly with it.

68.9% of my file is downloaded.

A former co-worker sent an email today that made me chuckle. He moved to CA awhile back but still listens to the local radio stations over the internet during the day. His email included a link to a story about a man assaulted by hot cookies after his friends stole drugs from the two men, but that is not why I laughed....underneath the link was another line from him, "BTW, highs will be in the lower 60's expect minor delays on 40 Westbound" Did I mention he lives in CA now? Thanks for the update, Matt.

84.1% of my file is downloaded.

Jon just stopped in to interrupt my blog-zen...he mentioned that he often writes posts but never gets around to finishing, or posting. I am guilty of doing the same thing. I either am afraid of posting, don't finish it to my idea of complete thought for a posting, or let it simmer for awhile and post it no matter what it says, how complete or incomplete it is. The posting is the relief, letting that something off my back or out of my head, and one more thing I don't have to keep shelled up inside.

Download complete. Have a great evening.

Numb

Numb:

1. Deprived of the power to feel or move normally; benumbed
2. Emotionally unresponsive; indifferent

Life has lost its luster lately. Excitement is gone; what little is there, is forced. Emotions are fading. Crying, which isn't an emotion I ever really expressed until I started on the meds, is even fading. I am accomplishing more this way, but my world is becoming very isolated again.

Brought to you by the number Zero

My week in review:

High Point

• My birthday - I think 31 has been more exciting and filled with more little surprises than 30. Everyone really made me feel good with plenty of smiles and laughter filling my air. I loved my day....and days.
  

Mid Points

• Uncle Harv had his kidney stones broken up via laser, finally. No more tearing up his insides trying to pass them. Cool part is the laser left bruising on his back in little dot patterns, connect the dots any one?
• Pretty much everyone I know had a rough week at work: Meags with her presentations, Alex being told he may have to go on another tour immediately, Me being stupid and trying to catch up and not taking a weekend just made for crappy all the way around. Many more stories, but none are coming to mind at the moment.
• Geoff-geoff had another knee surgery, more scar tissue removed, no more dead people parts added. Wondering if he says, "I am dead people" now. During his drugged up state on Thursday night, I directed him in hooking up his Voip backwards...maybe he should have shared the pain killers.
  

Bad Points

• Uncle Terry went in for angioplasty and instead is getting bypass surgery. Grr. Pray.
• Meags, poor Meags has lost two of her animals this week: Schoogz, her sugar glider, and Midnight, her dog. I hate seeing her this upset.
• Dr. Brian lost one of his labs.
  

If I am correct, that is 3 animal deaths and 3 surgical procedures. Damn 3. I'm liking zero today.