a day of depression...

A friend of mine asked me a couple of weeks ago what it feels like when I am depressed. It is not something easily put to words, but here is what I wrote:

• a hug is needed to pull me in tight, hold me forever, and swing me side to side
  
• i can't smile because every muscle in my face feels like a dead weight
• it hurts to move my body out of the fetal position
• everything causes a tear in my eye
• a drive down the road isn't just drive down the road...i think about driving off the edge of turns or what if I get hit around this next bend, will it hurt, will I die
• if i die, who will be at my funeral
• there are so many thoughts in my head I can't concentrate on any one long enough to make sense of just one of them
  
• i wonder if there will ever be enough time, money, love to put my life back together again
• i feel bad towards my dog that i'm his owner, that he may be better off dead and maybe I should have it put down
• i could sleep forever and never feel like i ever have enough
• taking a shower seems like a major undertaking that doesn't seem possible, but not taking one makes me feel even worse and even more dirty and anxious
• i feel like i am starving but nothing sounds good even though my insides feel like they are imploding
  
• when I do decided to eat, I eat something that awful for and binge terribly on it

It may just sound like a bad day, but think of a lot of endless bad days with a lot of forced fronts and acts that you put on towards those around you so they don't see your pain (depression). Ahh, another point: You feel the need to put on an act around everyone you know well, an act of happiness and strength, even though your world is caving in.

Luckily, my bad days are far and few between lately. Hopefully, I will keep them that way. My plan is to keep them kissed away with my twenties.

The Numb

My dreams lately have been plagued by what some may call nightmares; dead people, crashes, fatal crashes all around me filling the moments my eyes drift shut. I wander through them, waiting for the end to come, for it to finally to stop happening, and to be cleared. The night before last though, I found a little girl when I was wandering. I stopped and entertained her while the accidents were all being dealt with around us. Her and I were in our own little bubble, numb to the blood and chaos surrounding us. Is this me? Am I finally becoming numb to my biggest fear?

Something true is never lost

I'm still flying high from one of the best weekends of my life. I think I could write an entire book about 24 hrs of my life. It was simply amazing how it has affected me and how great I feel. I don't think anything could take this sense of self and happiness away from me.

Friday night, the whirl wind weekend began. I went up to The Phoenix, a local bar, where my friends' band, The Real Me, was playing and my outlaw (ex-MIL), Sharon, was celebrating her birthday. All my ex-in-laws and associated friends were there dancing and having a great time. It was great to see so many faces from the past. And, of course, Chris and Lisa were there. Tonight was different though. Instead of Lisa and I dancing the night away like we always do and Chris occassionally joining in. It was Chris and I dancing...kinda like old times. A nice remembrance for my 30th birthday weekend. I didn't speak. I listened. He told it would be ok. I have made it this far on my own. Thirty would be better...and he is still there for me. He said it may not seem like it sometimes, but he is still one of my best friends. He is not going anywhere. He still loves me and will take care of me. I am safe. In my place in life, even from my ex-husband, that is all I need to hear....from him, the most sometimes, it is exactly what I need to hear. Letting go of Chris was/is hard for me. He was the person who new me best, who still knows me best. He knows my weaknesses. He knows the real me.

We both know we were not meant to be married to each other, but friendship is a definite. Neither one of us would be who we are without the other. Ten years is hard to replace. Ten years together can never be replaced, nor do I ever want it to be. I smile knowing he doesn't either. I can't ever replace my first love, or one of my best friends.

Isn't that right, Chris!



PS. Not only did I keep Chris in my life, he has found and given me a great friend in his girlfriend, Lisa. I may sound like a broken record but she is one of the most caring and fun people I have every met. She is just as important in my life now as Chris is (more so sometimes)...gotta stand by that girl-power. Love you, Lisa!

Written 10/18/2006

Living like a daisy...

A few weeks ago, I bought daisies for all the girls in the office, to cheer us up from a really crappy, busy week. There are only 4 of us, including myself, so it is no big deal. Mine are still here, mostly alive. Every couple of days, I trim the stems, add a dab of sprite, and top off the water.

The daisies are the bold-colored ones (lime, hot pink, orange, electric blue, purple, and yellow). Now who wouldn't be happy looking at bright, colored, wide open daisies sitting in front of them??? (Naysayers: shush your mouths now, it is a happy day)

My daisies are showing signs of future wilt and fading more every day, but I still smile every time they catch my eyes. The petals, and their bright colors, reaching straight out; the reminder to stretch out and enjoy what is left of their life...and mine, who knows how much is left, but they still reach, grabbing for more...still living for it, enjoying it. Every day I am realizing, like the daisies are reminding me, I need crawl out of this shadow and go back to me, stand out for all to see, as much as possible, show all my colors, and crafts, and prove that I can stand on my own and do it for myself. I'm ready to be cut free. I may wilt at times, but, hey, isn't that a reminder to go out and play in the water???

My last day could have been 8 yrs ago, then again it could be 80 years from now. Lord, help me, it won't be that long off. It shouldn't take much to be happy in life: a little trimmin', a dab of sprite, and a topper of water???....just look at the daisies.

29 plus 1

A new age has begun...and I have not been happier in a long time. I know I haven't had much to say lately but with my new age, I have turned over a new mood...HAPPINESS. Watch out, World, here is a smile you were not ready for. Despite some things in life that may not be going my way at the moment, I am feeling pretty invincible. Twenty-nine dealt me a rough hand and I'm not going to let thirty do the same. This decade I will be in control.

Look for more writing. I have a lot to say. I even think I might start sharing a pic here and there for the strangers in the dark to get to know me a bit. One step at a time though, can't do it all at once.

And to my new friend, Erin, hang in there. I've had a busy weekend, but I'm still here for you ;)

Put on a Happy Face

OK, I'm going to try and forget yesterday existed. I'm up early (for me). I'm thinking happy thoughts. 5 days until the big 3-0. Yippee. The girls and I are going to go fru-fru it up before the big bash at the oh-so classy biker bar! There are daisies on my desk at work. Today will be a good day....I hope.

PS. Does anyone else out there use Charter internet? Do you get booted constantly at night in the wee hours? Does Charter not understand that not everyone uses the internet during the day??? This crap is getting on my nerves...oops...HAPPY THOUGHTS

Deep Breathes til Tomorrow

I'm on such a sick rollercoaster of emotions right now. The ones I want to be having and the ones I'm experiencing...to tell you the truth sometimes I don't know which are which anymore. Do I want to be happy, stressed, freaked out, jumping with excitement????? The stress is here, deep in my chest drowning my lungs and fighting my heart. The pressure has been gone most of the time lately, but not today. Today it lingers.

It feels like I'm sitting at the bottom of a pool. I'm holding my breath. The pressure is getting harder and harder on my chest, but I stay under unable to get the air I know I need. My heart is beating harder and harder against my breast plate to the point I can feel my pulse throughout my entire body. I can't make it go away. It won't slow down. I feel like my heart wants to escape the confines of my chest. My body is asking too much of it. I hear my heart beat in my ears as if it is being amplified by water....

Another Pain in the...

The fuzziness never leaves some mornings when I wake up. I wake up, rub my eyes, stumble to the backdoor to let Chili-dog out, never quite gaining my balance. I stand in the shower with halos floating across my eyes wondering if this sick sensation will ever just leave me alone.

The hot water of the shower just seems to encourage the halos. Sitting on the floor of the stall, shivering, wishing it would either just paralyze me so I could go back to bed or go away so I could go on with life. I hate this medium...I am aggravated, but noone knows it is bothering. No one can feel the numbness in my fingers or the halos in my eyes, I have to carry on. They can't understand, or maybe they can, maybe this is normal.

I guess I wonder if I'm broken and how I need to be fixed. I don't feel right. I don't feel like living like this. I just want to be alone. The numbness starts to strangle me. I feel like I have a large fist around my neck clamping tight constricting my air flow. Then, suddenly, all the numbness disappears, but is replaced by a sharp pain in my head. The migraine. My foe. It has been awhile, but he attacks with avengence again.

This is my birthday week. I just want to be happy, but the world and work is determined to plot against me every way possible :(( =(

30 years minus a week

I remember thinking when I was younger I would never live this long. I thought for sure I would die before I would reach my twenties. Now I sit here, a week from my 30th birthday wondering, "Now what?"

I would ask for a map for my birthday, but I already have several (and they are never in my car where I really could use them). Although, I am sure the road maps I own right now have their purposes, I am not sure they would provide me the direction I am currently looking for. I am scared, for one, to change directions. And secondly, I'm not quite sure I know where I want to go. If I ever change directions, is it ok to do so blindly? I made it this far without a plan...I never thought I would make it this far in life. I guess now is as good time as ever to hit reset and try it all again. No marriage. No children (just some furballs). Just me, and me alone.

Stay tuned...

I'm back from my little KC adventure, where I caught up on sleep, time with "my boys", bonding with Emily, and Fish-isms. I have lots to share and misquote, so if someone plays with meat in a box that explodes, please do not take it the wrong way....because we already did.

Check back late tonight for a full KC update.

Chow Mien for now.