Torn

there's a window by the bedroom door that never will be opened
if you spend the whole day looking out and never look within
and your lover and your mother and your father have been hopin'
that you find the truths you're looking for by searching deep within
so sad about me?
i'm sad about you
there's a reason why the sunrise sets and friends and loved ones leave us
there's a method to the madness like a future to your past
and your lover and your brother and your sister should believe us
'cause the mysteries beyond our reach are firmly in our grasp
anything is possible.
in the morning when you wake yourself you wonder what you're doing
as you rub your eyes so violently while falling out of bed.
is there nothing educational in words that you are chewing
as you seek the soothing solace of a friendly shower head.
but i really must admit that i am glad that i am living
there were times when i would pray to God and ask that i was not.
and i've learned that taking isn't really have as much as giving
but the secret to your wisdom is the oneness in your soul.
~So Sad about You by Cowboy Mouth

I think the above sums me up right now.

Watching files download

I'm sitting here watching files download. I lead an exciting life, I know.

I was trying to think of something worth writing about while I watch time pass 1% of my file download at a time, but nothing is striking me as worthwhile.

I am in no way discontent with my lack of provoking thought. I just want to get through today, another day....another day, which the world turned at a very slow pace in comparison to my mind...another day, where the sun never really shined...another day, where I'm still trying to figure it all out.

What is it? Good question. Life, to be general. I have no real definition or plan for it, nor am I a fly by the seat of my pants through life type either. I am some where in the middle. I guess I am truly a Libra. I like certain things about my life planned, but I like leaving enough room that I am not locked plans. Life changes quickly, so I need to be able to change my plans quickly with it.

68.9% of my file is downloaded.

A former co-worker sent an email today that made me chuckle. He moved to CA awhile back but still listens to the local radio stations over the internet during the day. His email included a link to a story about a man assaulted by hot cookies after his friends stole drugs from the two men, but that is not why I laughed....underneath the link was another line from him, "BTW, highs will be in the lower 60's expect minor delays on 40 Westbound" Did I mention he lives in CA now? Thanks for the update, Matt.

84.1% of my file is downloaded.

Jon just stopped in to interrupt my blog-zen...he mentioned that he often writes posts but never gets around to finishing, or posting. I am guilty of doing the same thing. I either am afraid of posting, don't finish it to my idea of complete thought for a posting, or let it simmer for awhile and post it no matter what it says, how complete or incomplete it is. The posting is the relief, letting that something off my back or out of my head, and one more thing I don't have to keep shelled up inside.

Download complete. Have a great evening.

Numb

Numb:

1. Deprived of the power to feel or move normally; benumbed
2. Emotionally unresponsive; indifferent

Life has lost its luster lately. Excitement is gone; what little is there, is forced. Emotions are fading. Crying, which isn't an emotion I ever really expressed until I started on the meds, is even fading. I am accomplishing more this way, but my world is becoming very isolated again.

Brought to you by the number Zero

My week in review:

High Point

• My birthday - I think 31 has been more exciting and filled with more little surprises than 30. Everyone really made me feel good with plenty of smiles and laughter filling my air. I loved my day....and days.
  

Mid Points

• Uncle Harv had his kidney stones broken up via laser, finally. No more tearing up his insides trying to pass them. Cool part is the laser left bruising on his back in little dot patterns, connect the dots any one?
• Pretty much everyone I know had a rough week at work: Meags with her presentations, Alex being told he may have to go on another tour immediately, Me being stupid and trying to catch up and not taking a weekend just made for crappy all the way around. Many more stories, but none are coming to mind at the moment.
• Geoff-geoff had another knee surgery, more scar tissue removed, no more dead people parts added. Wondering if he says, "I am dead people" now. During his drugged up state on Thursday night, I directed him in hooking up his Voip backwards...maybe he should have shared the pain killers.
  

Bad Points

• Uncle Terry went in for angioplasty and instead is getting bypass surgery. Grr. Pray.
• Meags, poor Meags has lost two of her animals this week: Schoogz, her sugar glider, and Midnight, her dog. I hate seeing her this upset.
• Dr. Brian lost one of his labs.
  

If I am correct, that is 3 animal deaths and 3 surgical procedures. Damn 3. I'm liking zero today.

First Anniversary of 30

Five AM and not a bad start to a Monday, my first day of my first year officially over 30: a Starbuck's giftcard from Kristan, an 8 layer cake from Jon (God bless his soul for aiming for 31 layers), a Happy Birthday IM from Alex at midnight, and a countdown of text messages from Michele my belle.

Oh, I can't forget an email from my favorite band, Cowboy Mouth and a birthday coupon for SHOES! LoL

Where did I go wrong

Life is pretty sad when 2 songs looping endlessly in your head say it all...How to Save a Life by The Fray and Hate Me Today by Blue October.

Step one you say we need to talk
He walks you say sit down it's just a talk
He smiles politely back at you
You stare politely right on through
Some sort of window to your right
As he goes left and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame
You begin to wonder why you came

There are so many people in my life I just want/*need* to sit down and talk with about our friendships (what the friendships are, what they were, what they are lacking or not now) and about other topics driving our everyday lives. The problem is I do not feel like the people I really need to talk with are available to me. People don't want to hear the truth no matter what the topic, if it is not peachy keen. I think that is why the real issues stay bottled up inside just eating away at me all the time. Things, and events, I should shake off, I replay over and over (thanks, PTSD). The one thing that eases the pain and stress is talking out the stressor, but to who? The person I need to talk with just avoids any and all real in depth conversation or is a person I cannot even approach any more. What the hell? Is this what it is all about? I hate it. People often say they would never go back to the social aspects of high school. At least, back then, every thing, as far as I know, in my life, was brutally honest with my friends. Life was simple. I knew where I stood with people. They knew where they stood with me. I never was killing myself from the inside out with my own over thought. I am not blaming every one else. I know I can be just as guilty but so many people make themselves unavailable making me fear if I open up and expose myself and how hurt and falling apart I am...I'll be nothing. I have no one to trust.

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

As he begins to raise his voice
You lower yours and grant him one last choice
Drive until you lose the road
Or break with the ones you've followed
He will do one of two things
He will admit to everything
Or he'll say he's just not the same
And you'll begin to wonder why you came

How to Save a Life by The Fray

Decompression Stop - 30

A decompression stop is a period of time a diver must spend at a constant depth in shallow water at the end of a dive to safely eliminate absorbed inert gases from the diver's body to avoid decompression sickness

Today is my last stop of my 30th year. There is a lot to be to eliminated today, but as much time as I have spent decompressing this weekend. I am failing at fully decompressing this year and the past 30 year's events. I do not know how to let go. Damn the PTSD. Damn life.

My birthday wish tomorrow is to be able to stop, decompress each year, and leave the toxins in my life behind me. Push my reset button. Clear my cache. Delete my temporary internet files. I must past 'Go'. For once I want to see the screen, "Please wait while your system reboots..."

I am not by any means saying 30 was a bad year. I just wish I knew how to let things go. I wish life's replay didn't eat away my brain daily. It hurts. It hurts bad. There are countless times a day one of my replays brings a flood of flashbacks and tears to my head. My only defense is to squeeze my eyes tight, hold back the tears, let the memory play out, distract myself, and keep moving forward. Forward progress is mandatory.

Back to the point of the last paragraph, 30 wasn't a bad year: new relationship, new job, new friends, new songs from The Real Me (finally), friends having gobs of new babies, friends (esp Becky) getting married, waking up from anesthesia, picking up an old hobby in cycling, riding 100 miles in the MS 150, spending 99% of my year drink free, and surviving 30 years, 363 days thus far in life.

Yet, with every good point, there is the counterpoint: break-ups, floods at work, having to leave friends at my old toxic job, friends losing parents and children, losing my gall bladder, losing my dog, losing friends, watching my friends hurt, PTSD, depression, court date being pushed back again, feeling trapped in life, money, drinking when I did last year, knowing people won't tell me the truth, feeling alone, and suffering through 30 plus years.

And, of course, the bittersweets:

• Chris, the ex-husband, and Lisa are engaged. Congrats! - I know. And some, who have known since day 2, have totally avoided the topic with me. And Chris, promised to let me know himself, has never bothered to call and let me know.
• So-called friends have endlessly let me down this year, which continues to make me feel like I have no one to turn to in life when I really need to fall apart. I just want to know someone is there when I finally decide to open up...but...more let downs...real friends please. Fake ones need not waste my few brain cells that are not at war.
• Therapy-Therapy costs lots of $$. Money doesn't grow on trees. Without therapy, I feel awful, but with it, I can't survive.
• Same goes for good jobs - not sure what to do about the 2 - Year 31 will clarify b/c year 30 did not work, at all.
• Brother 1 is talking to me again, but I still don't have the means to help lure him out of this relationship. I know if I was in the position I was in last year or the year before I could probably have him lured out from the witch, yet, the whore still triumphs. I wish I could make thing better for him.
• Ok, I better stop now. I went from probably a good idea to a 3am rant. Good night, back to bed for me