Feb 18, 2008

Somewhere over the rainbow

Some day I'll wish upon a star
And wake up where the clouds are far behind me
Where troubles melt like lemondrops
Away above the chimney tops
That's where you'll find me

Maybe Mom was right, it is a curse to know our family, or maybe just a curse to know me...Hell, maybe even to be me.

I have not done too well at putting on my happy face lately. It is not from lack of trying. I want to be happy. I want to make others happy, but I fail. I seem to let down the ones I love the most. I cannot seem to balance all the pieces I want in my life. I want to love and be loved. I want to do everything I can for my friends. I want a successful, enjoyable career. I want to do all the things that make and have made me, well, me.

I tend to hide my emotions, but once I let one slip out, the flood wall breaks and out they all pour out. I don't want to be weak. I don't want to make others around me to think of me as needy or think I am guilting them. I just can't seem to find the happy medium.

I have learned in the last few years through therapy. I need to find my downtime. I need to regroup. When I don't, I feel this weight dragging me down. When I do, I seem to hurt someone or something in my life.

I do not want to be alone in life. I do not want to lose the people I love. I do not want to hurt people.

I try to remember life pre-accident. Things back then didn't seem as complicated. I could go for months with not a single bit of downtime. I never ran out of energy. I didn't need sleep. Now, two evenings in a row away from the house seems to drain me. (Then, I seem to drain the life out the ones I love with my lack of energy.)

I want to move forward with my life. I want to do so with the people in my life. I don't want to lose anymore. I want to be happy. I don't want to live in my hole alone, but right now that seems where I'm destined to be.

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