To Shell or not to Shell

2008-07-13T17:07:00.001-05:00

Peace

2008-02-18T23:36:00.004-06:00

Let there be peace on Earth always seemed to be one of those hymns sung a lot at Christmas. The song, a simple one, often has brought a smile to my face when I here a young child sing it, but, still, it has always been just another song.

Let there be peace on earth
And let it begin with me.
Let there be peace on earth
The peace that was meant to be.
With God as our father
Brothers all are we.
Let me walk with my brother
In perfect harmony.

Last Tuesday, I attended the funeral of Mike Lynch. Mike died serving the peaceful community of Kirkwood. He was one of several killed on February 7th in a not-so-peaceful night at Kirkwood City Hall. Senseless, confusing, terrifying...yes, yes, yes.

As I walked into church, I was handed a program containing the hymns for the mass and memorial. I did not think much of the paper I was gripping until I was sitting anxiously for the mass to start. To distract myself from trying to converse in the somber and awkward moments before the mass started, I flipped through the 4 pages looking at the hymns. Most of the hymns, I did not know (surprising since I've spent many hours in Catholic masses singing the same hymns over and over again). The last two, I knew well: Let there be peace on Earth and On Eagle's Wings. On Eagle's Wings didn't surprise me (a funeral favorite, if there is such a thing), but Let there be peace on Earth caught me off-guard, very off-guard.

All night Monday, I was dreading having to hold my tears back during Taps at the burial, but seeing the words, "Let there be peace on Earth" Tuesday morning really choked me up. Usually at a funeral, peace in thoughts of a final resting place is assumed. This funeral, peace was not assumed at all. Peace was needed. Peace was needed in my heart, and in several hearts around me, to help us wrap our heads around what was happening around us and what happened to Mike just days earlier. Peace was needed by the community of Kirkwood...not bickering over racial issues or who to blame for this man's senseless act. Peace on Earth...Peace in Kirkwood was a need...and a simple song helped put it into all of our minds.

Never would I have thought of a more perfect song for the situation. Formerly a take it or leave it Christmas hymn, Let there be peace on Earth put a little peace into each and everyone of the attending's hearts and souls.

Let peace begin with me
Let this be the moment now.
With every step i take
Let this be my solemn vow.
To take each moment
And live each moment
With peace eternally.
Let there be peace on earth,
And let it begin with me.

Somewhere over the rainbow

2008-02-18T23:04:00.002-06:00

Some day I'll wish upon a star
And wake up where the clouds are far behind me
Where troubles melt like lemondrops
Away above the chimney tops
That's where you'll find me

Maybe Mom was right, it is a curse to know our family, or maybe just a curse to know me...Hell, maybe even to be me.

I have not done too well at putting on my happy face lately. It is not from lack of trying. I want to be happy. I want to make others happy, but I fail. I seem to let down the ones I love the most. I cannot seem to balance all the pieces I want in my life. I want to love and be loved. I want to do everything I can for my friends. I want a successful, enjoyable career. I want to do all the things that make and have made me, well, me.

I tend to hide my emotions, but once I let one slip out, the flood wall breaks and out they all pour out. I don't want to be weak. I don't want to make others around me to think of me as needy or think I am guilting them. I just can't seem to find the happy medium.

I have learned in the last few years through therapy. I need to find my downtime. I need to regroup. When I don't, I feel this weight dragging me down. When I do, I seem to hurt someone or something in my life.

I do not want to be alone in life. I do not want to lose the people I love. I do not want to hurt people.

I try to remember life pre-accident. Things back then didn't seem as complicated. I could go for months with not a single bit of downtime. I never ran out of energy. I didn't need sleep. Now, two evenings in a row away from the house seems to drain me. (Then, I seem to drain the life out the ones I love with my lack of energy.)

I want to move forward with my life. I want to do so with the people in my life. I don't want to lose anymore. I want to be happy. I don't want to live in my hole alone, but right now that seems where I'm destined to be.

Torn

2007-11-28T13:39:00.000-06:00

there's a window by the bedroom door that never will be opened
if you spend the whole day looking out and never look within
and your lover and your mother and your father have been hopin'
that you find the truths you're looking for by searching deep within
so sad about me?
i'm sad about you
there's a reason why the sunrise sets and friends and loved ones leave us
there's a method to the madness like a future to your past
and your lover and your brother and your sister should believe us
'cause the mysteries beyond our reach are firmly in our grasp
anything is possible.
in the morning when you wake yourself you wonder what you're doing
as you rub your eyes so violently while falling out of bed.
is there nothing educational in words that you are chewing
as you seek the soothing solace of a friendly shower head.
but i really must admit that i am glad that i am living
there were times when i would pray to God and ask that i was not.
and i've learned that taking isn't really have as much as giving
but the secret to your wisdom is the oneness in your soul.
~So Sad about You by Cowboy Mouth

I think the above sums me up right now.

Watching files download

2007-11-12T17:50:00.000-06:00

I'm sitting here watching files download. I lead an exciting life, I know.

I was trying to think of something worth writing about while I watch time pass 1% of my file download at a time, but nothing is striking me as worthwhile.

I am in no way discontent with my lack of provoking thought. I just want to get through today, another day....another day, which the world turned at a very slow pace in comparison to my mind...another day, where the sun never really shined...another day, where I'm still trying to figure it all out.

What is it? Good question. Life, to be general. I have no real definition or plan for it, nor am I a fly by the seat of my pants through life type either. I am some where in the middle. I guess I am truly a Libra. I like certain things about my life planned, but I like leaving enough room that I am not locked plans. Life changes quickly, so I need to be able to change my plans quickly with it.

68.9% of my file is downloaded.

A former co-worker sent an email today that made me chuckle. He moved to CA awhile back but still listens to the local radio stations over the internet during the day. His email included a link to a story about a man assaulted by hot cookies after his friends stole drugs from the two men, but that is not why I laughed....underneath the link was another line from him, "BTW, highs will be in the lower 60's expect minor delays on 40 Westbound" Did I mention he lives in CA now? Thanks for the update, Matt.

84.1% of my file is downloaded.

Jon just stopped in to interrupt my blog-zen...he mentioned that he often writes posts but never gets around to finishing, or posting. I am guilty of doing the same thing. I either am afraid of posting, don't finish it to my idea of complete thought for a posting, or let it simmer for awhile and post it no matter what it says, how complete or incomplete it is. The posting is the relief, letting that something off my back or out of my head, and one more thing I don't have to keep shelled up inside.

Download complete. Have a great evening.

Numb

2007-11-08T19:24:00.000-06:00

Numb:
Deprived of the power to feel or move normally; benumbed
Emotionally unresponsive; indifferent

Life has lost its luster lately. Excitement is gone; what little is there, is forced. Emotions are fading. Crying, which isn't an emotion I ever really expressed until I started on the meds, is even fading. I am accomplishing more this way, but my world is becoming very isolated again.

Brought to you by the number Zero

2007-10-20T12:52:00.000-05:00

My week in review:

High Point

My birthday - I think 31 has been more exciting and filled with more little surprises than 30. Everyone really made me feel good with plenty of smiles and laughter filling my air. I loved my day....and days.

Mid Points

Uncle Harv had his kidney stones broken up via laser, finally. No more tearing up his insides trying to pass them. Cool part is the laser left bruising on his back in little dot patterns, connect the dots any one?
Pretty much everyone I know had a rough week at work: Meags with her presentations, Alex being told he may have to go on another tour immediately, Me being stupid and trying to catch up and not taking a weekend just made for crappy all the way around. Many more stories, but none are coming to mind at the moment.
Geoff-geoff had another knee surgery, more scar tissue removed, no more dead people parts added. Wondering if he says, "I am dead people" now. During his drugged up state on Thursday night, I directed him in hooking up his Voip backwards...maybe he should have shared the pain killers.

Bad Points

Uncle Terry went in for angioplasty and instead is getting bypass surgery. Grr. Pray.
Meags, poor Meags has lost two of her animals this week: Schoogz, her sugar glider, and Midnight, her dog. I hate seeing her this upset.
Dr. Brian lost one of his labs.

If I am correct, that is 3 animal deaths and 3 surgical procedures. Damn 3. I'm liking zero today.

First Anniversary of 30

2007-10-15T05:10:00.000-05:00

Five AM and not a bad start to a Monday, my first day of my first year officially over 30: a Starbuck's giftcard from Kristan, an 8 layer cake from Jon (God bless his soul for aiming for 31 layers), a Happy Birthday IM from Alex at midnight, and a countdown of text messages from Michele my belle.

Oh, I can't forget an email from my favorite band, Cowboy Mouth and a birthday coupon for SHOES! LoL

Where did I go wrong

2007-10-15T04:42:00.000-05:00

Life is pretty sad when 2 songs looping endlessly in your head say it all...How to Save a Life by The Fray and Hate Me Today by Blue October.

Step one you say we need to talk
He walks you say sit down it's just a talk
He smiles politely back at you
You stare politely right on through
Some sort of window to your right
As he goes left and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame
You begin to wonder why you came

There are so many people in my life I just want/*need* to sit down and talk with about our friendships (what the friendships are, what they were, what they are lacking or not now) and about other topics driving our everyday lives. The problem is I do not feel like the people I really need to talk with are available to me. People don't want to hear the truth no matter what the topic, if it is not peachy keen. I think that is why the real issues stay bottled up inside just eating away at me all the time. Things, and events, I should shake off, I replay over and over (thanks, PTSD). The one thing that eases the pain and stress is talking out the stressor, but to who? The person I need to talk with just avoids any and all real in depth conversation or is a person I cannot even approach any more. What the hell? Is this what it is all about? I hate it. People often say they would never go back to the social aspects of high school. At least, back then, every thing, as far as I know, in my life, was brutally honest with my friends. Life was simple. I knew where I stood with people. They knew where they stood with me. I never was killing myself from the inside out with my own over thought. I am not blaming every one else. I know I can be just as guilty but so many people make themselves unavailable making me fear if I open up and expose myself and how hurt and falling apart I am...I'll be nothing. I have no one to trust.

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

As he begins to raise his voice
You lower yours and grant him one last choice
Drive until you lose the road
Or break with the ones you've followed
He will do one of two things
He will admit to everything
Or he'll say he's just not the same
And you'll begin to wonder why you came

How to Save a Life by The Fray

Decompression Stop - 30

2007-10-14T03:25:00.000-05:00

A decompression stop is a period of time a diver must spend at a constant depth in shallow water at the end of a dive to safely eliminate absorbed inert gases from the diver's body to avoid decompression sickness

Today is my last stop of my 30th year. There is a lot to be to eliminated today, but as much time as I have spent decompressing this weekend. I am failing at fully decompressing this year and the past 30 year's events. I do not know how to let go. Damn the PTSD. Damn life.

My birthday wish tomorrow is to be able to stop, decompress each year, and leave the toxins in my life behind me. Push my reset button. Clear my cache. Delete my temporary internet files. I must past 'Go'. For once I want to see the screen, "Please wait while your system reboots..."

I am not by any means saying 30 was a bad year. I just wish I knew how to let things go. I wish life's replay didn't eat away my brain daily. It hurts. It hurts bad. There are countless times a day one of my replays brings a flood of flashbacks and tears to my head. My only defense is to squeeze my eyes tight, hold back the tears, let the memory play out, distract myself, and keep moving forward. Forward progress is mandatory.

Back to the point of the last paragraph, 30 wasn't a bad year: new relationship, new job, new friends, new songs from The Real Me (finally), friends having gobs of new babies, friends (esp Becky) getting married, waking up from anesthesia, picking up an old hobby in cycling, riding 100 miles in the MS 150, spending 99% of my year drink free, and surviving 30 years, 363 days thus far in life.

Yet, with every good point, there is the counterpoint: break-ups, floods at work, having to leave friends at my old toxic job, friends losing parents and children, losing my gall bladder, losing my dog, losing friends, watching my friends hurt, PTSD, depression, court date being pushed back again, feeling trapped in life, money, drinking when I did last year, knowing people won't tell me the truth, feeling alone, and suffering through 30 plus years.

And, of course, the bittersweets:

Chris, the ex-husband, and Lisa are engaged. Congrats! - I know. And some, who have known since day 2, have totally avoided the topic with me. And Chris, promised to let me know himself, has never bothered to call and let me know.
So-called friends have endlessly let me down this year, which continues to make me feel like I have no one to turn to in life when I really need to fall apart. I just want to know someone is there when I finally decide to open up...but...more let downs...real friends please. Fake ones need not waste my few brain cells that are not at war.
Therapy-Therapy costs lots of $$. Money doesn't grow on trees. Without therapy, I feel awful, but with it, I can't survive.
Same goes for good jobs - not sure what to do about the 2 - Year 31 will clarify b/c year 30 did not work, at all.
Brother 1 is talking to me again, but I still don't have the means to help lure him out of this relationship. I know if I was in the position I was in last year or the year before I could probably have him lured out from the witch, yet, the whore still triumphs. I wish I could make thing better for him.
Ok, I better stop now. I went from probably a good idea to a 3am rant. Good night, back to bed for me

I need a bath

2007-09-29T17:07:00.000-05:00

Anytime I feel really sick, or anxious, I used to take really hot bathes and just bury myself in the water. Nothing is as soothing as hot water; nothing relieves the pressure like soaking in a big tub. Almost scalding hot water slows me down, warms me up, and allows me to drift off to sleep. Yes, I sleep in the bathtub. Drowning myself in the warmth of the soothing water where only my mouth and nose, and occasionally feet, peeking out to feel the cool air. Listening to the distorted sounds of the world through the water, I find peace in metally sounds of the air bubbles rising from my hair or my body occasionally shifting and moving the water around me.

I need a bath.

Scars

2007-09-29T10:05:00.001-05:00

I can't make them go away. I can't make them stop hurting. I feel like I swallowed a million razor blades tonight...and the only thing the scars beg for is release, or maybe more pain. I just want to stab them with a needle to feed the pain, or maybe release it for good. If I feed it, maybe it will sleep for bit and let me be.

Every time I forget the scares are there, I accidentally brush against one of them or scratch an itch and there they are...jagged little edges...no meat behind them...shallows on my own body....holes where someone got inside of me, but a piss poor job of putting me back together whole. Easy access so maybe they can cut me open again? or just permanently marking me as imperfect.

No one wanted to scare me, and tell me how awful it would be in the end. Everyone just provided me with hope-filled wishes that when it is all over every thing will be better. You'll feel so much better when it is over. HA!...later as I still deal with the constant pain and complications, the truth comes out...It was awful, totally rearranged my insides. I haven't been the same since. Screw hope. I wish I would have known the truth and what the future really had in store for me.

Waking up, feelings as though they were trying to suffocate me...the pain...walking around, holding my insides in, fearing if I let them go, everything would fall out. I didn't care enough to ask for help thought, continuing to push myself further and harder only to cause more pain. The tearing and pulling, at what little of my insides that were still intact, only to in the end, hurt more.

Still, I rub, I scratch the scars. The depressed, rough scar where there once was perfection and the reality of imperfection now stakes claim.

Outside Looking In

2007-09-27T21:14:00.000-05:00

Socially awkward. Yes, the adaptable extrovert in me still cannot handle social events sober.

I am not drinking. I do not drink in groups. I have in a couple rare situations this year drank in groups and later regretted it severely. For the most part I have only had a single glass of wine, or drink, in rare one on one dinner situations. I don't want to be the idiot drunk, but it is so hard being the only sober person sometimes.

When everyone else is drinking and I am not, I need to escape. I get antsy, panic-y, and self-conscious. Why should I, the only one not acting like an drunken fool, feel self-conscious???? because I don't know how to relate to the drinkers. I am, also, at the point that I don't want to take care of the drinkers either. I usually seem bored or ADDish. The later in the drinking evening it gets the more I want to run away.

I am permanently out of my element.

A toast to Becky and Rob

2007-09-23T09:39:00.000-05:00

I met Becky the first day she moved back to St. Louis from Omaha. It was the first day of our freshman year at Ursuline, our first big day in high school. She immediately became part of me and my family. In fact to this day, my nineteen year old brother, who was just 3 when he met her still refers to her as "Becky-sister".

So, today, we are all here (thank you for being here) for Becky and Rob's wedding, albeit 50 years early from the best laid plans we made in high school. I think the original plan was for me to be pushing Becky in her wheelchair down the aisle around the age of 80. Thanks for screwing that up, Rob, but I'm sure Mom and Dad Clemens are very greatful....because the UA "boobsie twins" were not always known for planning well, or making the best decisions....

Cooking for example - Beck and I CANNOT cook. Simple things, like Uncle Ben's boil rice bags...eh, not so much. Evidently, you can burn boil bag rice. Yes, somehow two bright girls like ourselves could not handle the simple things like boiling a bag of rice, soooo we knew if either of us found a man who could cook...we should keep him. Rob, you can cook, right???

Driving - anyone ever ride in a car with Becky??? Don't blame me. I tried to teach her to drive...being 10 months older and driving a land barge at 16. Becks wanted to learn to drive. I thought I could teach her. Again, ehhhhh, not so much. All I remember is driving through our friend, Colleen's, subdivision and suddenly seeing Becky heading for mailboxes and parked cars screaming, "NOOOOO, the other peddle, the other peddle"

Drinking - Dad, do you remember in your toast you mentioned those little infractions....hmmmm, yessssss...I think you busted us on a few of those back in the day. Our first party with alcohol, Becky and I had not acquired a taste for beer, but that did not stop us from wanting to fit in. I remember us walking around all night with cans of beer in our hands, the same two cans of warm beer....occasionally putting the beers up to our mouths acting like we were drinking. Then, Mom and Dad Clemens show up to drive us home. Next morning, Becky and I are down in the kitchen, Becky asks me what I want to drink. Jim (Dad) shouts from the living room, "Hey Sheila, How about a beer?" BUSTED. Busted and we didn't even really drink. I remember Becky and I just looking at each other with looks of shock.

Fast forward to many moments I wish to forget at Tremors. Musical influences that changed as much as we have...MC Hammer, FU Schnickens, DePeche Mode, NIN, a brief hiccup in country music, an uncanny obsession with Jessie's Girl. Our friends getting married, having kids, finding our first gray hairs.....then Becky meets Rob.

Sarah and Wayne married 2 years ago in San Diego. Becky and I flew out there for the wedding. On the trip out, we read together, "He's just not that into you". Many of you have heard of the book, it is by the author of the show "Sex and the City". It is one of those pump women up and tell you how great guys should be treating you. As Becky and I read, and giggled, and related stories of the past and present. There was a constant theme. Everything ended with, "Rob's soooo great. He does that for me all the time." I knew she found her one.

Rob, Mrs. Kjar's husband, there are a few things you need to know.

Becky loves to be woken up to someone singing "Can you take me high enough"...the louder and more out of tune, the better. Its your job now, since I don't think we will be having any more sleepovers.

And if she ever shows up to really important events with yellow bleached out bombshell hair. Just smile and tell her how beautiful she looks. (that was my wedding btw)

And most importantly, if she EVER tries to set me up on another blind date with a blonde horse mullet guy with hair longer than mine (fifteen years later and I'm still not over that). Please tell her no. I'll take care of my own love life. After all, she can't find success in love twice. She found you for herself.

Please raise your glasses.......

Happy Birthday, Ol' Man

2007-08-28T03:54:00.000-05:00

You're officially over 50!

or is this

Happy 1st Anniversary of your 50th Birthday?

Hope you've put that AARP card to some good use over the last year =)

I love you!

~Your first favorite effan daughter~

You've got a friend in me...

2007-08-28T03:45:00.000-05:00

You've got a friend in me.
You've got a friend in me.
When the road looks rough ahead,
And you're miles and miles from your nice warm bed.
You just remember what your old pal said.
Boy, you've got a friend in me.
Yeah, you've got a friend in me.

It is a very lonely and scary when I can't talk to my best friends. It sucks that some travel, some live in other cities, and some just have lives that are too busy to take time out for a chat. I miss them. I miss who I am with them.

You've got a friend in me.
You've got a friend in me.
If you've got troubles, and I got 'em too.
There isn't anything I wouldn't do for you.
If we stick together we can see it through,
Cause you got a friend in me.
Yeah, you got a friend in me.

Right now, some of my best friends are hundreds, if not thousands, of miles away; others are only right down the street, yet, I feel I can't talk to any of them. I am feeling very isolated I know if I reach out my friends will always be there for me.

The problem is...I don't know how to reach out when I am falling apart on the insides. I feel no one understand the amount of pain I experience on a daily basis, both physically and mentally. If I show it, I am depressing or a downer and no one will want to be around me. If I don't, I am left in the same quandary I am in now...isolation with no easy out.

Some other folks might be a little bit smarter than I am.
Bigger and stronger too.
Baby, but none of them will ever love you the way I do,
It's me and you, boy.

I know, this year especially, several of my friends have been to hell and back with their own problems, which makes it seem petty of me to think I have my own any more, but I do...and I crumble alone.

And as the years go by,
Our friendship will never die.
You gonna see it's our destiny.
You got a friend in me.
You got a friend in me.
Yeah, you got a friend in me

I selected this song to go with this post because the song always makes me happy for one; and two, it is a good reminder of the strength of friendship through thick and thin which is something we sometimes take for granted, or in my case lately, scared to take advantage of...

I am terrified at times to turn to my friends, my really, good friends. The friend who have pictures of me painted from 10 years ago...I can't live up to that girl anymore. I depress myself trying. I feel every time I turn around I am letting someone close to me down. Not on purpose, the world is out of my control.

I keep trying to go back to GAM (camp), skipping down the gravel road, linked arms, seeing each other for the first time in a year (or more), and singing this song at the top of our lungs, out of tune, without a care in the world...

Note: I started writing this on May 3rd, added a bit, and finally posted today.

~"You've got a Friend" lyrics by Randy Newton

Wishing for the simple life

2007-07-31T18:38:00.000-05:00

Life is just happening around me. I am lost, maybe not lost, but stagnant. I see everyone moving about, but I feel paralyzed and panicked when I think about moving along with them.

Tonight several of my coworkers were going out to dinner and a movie. I wanted to join them, but the thought of spending an evening out with everyone drained me. I hate the anxious feeling I get on nights like this. I look forward to going out with everyone. just to have fun outside of work. Yet, as the event draws closer, everything in my body tightens up and weakens. It is funny how I have a comfort zone with everyone, if we are at work, but, if we leave the building and enter foreign territory, I tend to freeze up or act out of character as a defense mechanism. I just want to break out of this draining pattern. It is killing me.

This last week has been overly sad and difficult. Many of those I care about most in life have lost loved ones, or spent too much time in the hospital panicking over the health of their families. Dad C. had serious surgery and suffered from subsequent infections that have kept him in the ICU the last week. Beck and Mom have been worried sick. I pray this is the end of his health issues as he has to skip Becky down the aisle in that fancy wedding dress of hers next month. Emily suffered two losses this week, her grandmother and, tragically, her four month pregnant cousin. Ryan and Kelly have lost another parent this year to cancer. In addition to Kelly's Dad, Ryan's Mom passed on Tuesday. Kelly's grandma was, also, ill but is on the mends. I have to say Kelly and Ryan are two of the strongest people I've seen. I think soon-to-be baby, Charlotte, has a lot to do with that. Hope is a great thing. I think it is much needed after this last week. Also, my co-worker Danny had a death in his family too. Ugh, so much soo close...sad.

I'm finding a lot of guilt in the deaths and illnesses around me. I don't know how to be there for my friends without sending my own depression and contemplations on death into a tailspin. I used to be able to be the strong one, be at funerals, hospitals, the shoulder to lean on...now, I don't even know what to say or how to broach the subject. I've become weak.

I'm tired. It is 7. Alex is on the other side of the world. I wish I were there.

I think I will give up now and just give into the sleep. Good night all.

Down to one hand

2007-07-21T07:26:00.000-05:00

...I'm sober now for 3 whole months it's one accomplishment that you helped me with
The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing I won't touch again
In a sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night
While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight...

I'm looking at the calendar, reading my old blog and journal entries, and realizing that I can count a year's worth of my stupid, binge alcohol nights all on one hand. The fight isn't over, but it is easier.

Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you

I wish the anxiety would just go away forever. I think, then, I could finally forget about having a drink in uneasy situations. The difference now is that I get the itchiness, the uncomfortable anxious feeling, and occasionally let myself have a drink, just one. The one drink doesn't take away the itch, but it does leave me feeling more depressed for a few days afterwards. I have to say drinking is officially ruined for me. The cravings are still present on the bad days and moments, but, then, the debate in my head begins...is it worth it, do I really want this, the next few days....

Lyrics from "Hate Me Today" by Blue October

Frustration

2007-06-01T06:45:00.000-05:00

Frustration is waking up realizing that you sold yourself short. You have no one but yourself to blame...and now you have to find yourself a new sale.

Posts of Late

2007-05-30T22:35:00.000-05:00

I have been pretty lost in my own head lately and not in the mood to write. When I do write, it doesn't seem to fit my blog or what it used to be when I started it. The writing seems blah and of no interest to me, so I doubt it will be to anyone else. I posted a few things, but none really seem of much consequence. I can't decide if I am disenchanted with the world, or bothered so much that the world seems disenchanted with me. I keep trying to forge ahead, but my defense mechanisms are failing me and I'm lacking self enough right now to react. Some times I want to throw in the towel and go back to some place where I knew where I stood. I thought I had made a lot of new friends this year, only to have that carpet ripped out from underneath me. I wanted this year to be a fresh start and new beginning. I try to peddle forward, but I seem to be rolling downhill at a steady pace. Overall mentally, I feel better and more sure about myself and my head in comparison to last year, but I no longer have the same strong core of people around me daily that I always knew I could trust. I thought I was building a new one, but two weeks ago I awaken to the reality that it was all in my head. Grrr, my head.

KC

2007-05-28T09:02:00.000-05:00

I'm in KC this weekend. I left without freaking out too much about leaving town this time, which is a definitely progress for me. I still had the deep sense that I would better off staying at home, but it is Emily's 30th birthday. I cannot let her down. I have probably done that too many times already the last few years by freaking out at the last minute and skipping my trips here. She does too much for me and is always here. I have to love her.

She had a BBQ yesterday. There were lots of new people for me to meet. I did ok, at first, but as I tired, I became more distant and out of place feeling with the group. I probably should've taken a nap or something, but I didn't want to not be around for something or feel weird for disappearing.

My parents made the trip to KC too. They spent most of the weekend with my aunt and uncle, but did join us for lunch Sunday and Emily's BBQ. I think they had a pretty good time since they left much later than expected and kept finding excuses to have one more drink. I wish they would've stayed til Monday instead of driving back so late on Sunday night to StL.

discombobulated

2007-05-08T07:16:00.000-05:00

Saturday night/Sunday morning, my mind was in a very depressed and scary state. I am not sure I ever freaked out that bad in the last year and a half, but I recovered quickly. I had a long talk with Alex that brought my heart rate under 100 for the first time in 24 hrs. (He can be great and supportive when it comes to talking out the scary stuff locked in my head.) Just putting my thoughts into words released the pain bottled up inside.

The two of us had dinner, which was nice, simple, and a distraction I really needed. I freaked out in my head at one point, but I don't think Alex even realized it. I don't want him or anyone to think of me as depressed. I know he most likely already thinks of me as a real downer, so I bottled up my little freak out, which allowed me to go back to enjoying the night and eventually put it out of my head.

Panic Room

2007-05-06T00:19:00.000-05:00

aka where I'm currently living in my head

I have to let go.

Desperately need: Sleep. Meds. Doctor. Shoulder-to-cry-on. Him-to-hold-me.

Tempting fixes: alcohol (specifically Margarita, Jager Bomb, Mind Eraser, bottle of Pinot Noir)

What I will be settling with tonight: writing, tears, meditation, letting the hernia win

Bodily damaged incurred by drunks today: severe stomach pain, pulled lower back, and busted nose

# of friends pissed off = 1, maybe 2

I made plans today to go out for cinco de mayo with my ex-husband, his girlfriend (I adore), several mutual friends, and my friend, Rick. When I woke this morning, I really felt like staying home, but I pushed myself and went. I felt very disconnected from everyone and very alone inside. I really just wanted to spend, yet, another weekend curled up in a ball on the couch.

After Mi Lupita, all of us decided to go see my friends' band, The REAL Me. I thought, maybe, hearing my favorite band and being surrounded with drunk, happy people would make me feel better. In the end, I only seem to be more depressed. In less than a year, I've associated so much of my band experience to him and the memories just wouldn't stop coming. I think I'm going to have to stay far away from the band gigs for awhile. I can't deal. Dating was much easier before I fell in love with him. I just want him to be happy; and I think he has decided I am not the one he wants to do that for him.

Here I write...Broken heart. Broken mind. Broken soul.

I found Poe, but someone stole my sheep

2007-05-02T05:07:00.000-05:00

I have not been asleep 2 hours, yet. I couldn't fall asleep last night because I thought my heart was going to find a way to beat itself out of my chest. I just love anxiety. A few minutes ago, I woke to a pain that most closely resembles the thought of having someone take a knife to my abdomen without using anesthetic first. Nothing makes this pain to go away.

My freak, I mean friend, Beth and I had a really good chat tonight. I think she is the only one that can go from breakups to babies to death to our aging bodies to ways of torturing my co-workers to calming me enough to consider closing my eyes. She can relate to my life on so many levels including a pretty deep conversation on death and the bothersome traits of Christian wakes and burial.

Death has been a constant theme lately which doesn't help a girl with PTSD. Cardinal pitcher, Josh Hancock, died in a car wreck; and pictures of his SUV are everywhere I look. Very tough for me, reliving my own wreck has increased tenfold. A friend from high school, and current co-worker, lost her father to cancer. It was so quick...and reminds me of how quickly it has taken so many I know, especially Uncle Steve. I worry about her and having so much on her plate right now. I'm not sure if I could be as strong. She needs a break.

Like my conversation with Beth last night, I do not end on the note of death.

Mikey, you better pop out of your Mom's swollen belly this week. She needs a break from boredom. Come on out and show her how much she wishes she had this down time again. I love you, Sarah.

Reality bites

2007-05-01T21:43:00.000-05:00

If I could turn back time...

It is 6am

2007-05-01T07:36:00.000-05:00

...And I'm wondering why I am at work and what is so damn important here, because I can't figure it out for the life of me.

Evidently, along with the world, I am still broken or so I heard at 5am...and I think some people will always view me that way. Enough crying over split milk for the morning.

7am - I realized I just sold myself for the Clusterville's chai.

8am - my 6am arrival was in vane because I am currently deploying a different version of the same files. You mean I could have slept another 2 hrs??? I wish you people would make up your mind. It is not my fault you didn't give any detail or give the required information. Grrrrrrr

I know. It is 8am and I've had one too many conversations with too many people today. Can I go to bed now?

PS. I just realized someone is having fun hiding people's toys in odd places. I'm going on a hunt now for Poe after finding my turtle in the kitchen cabinets.

drinking water to stay thin...

2007-04-29T23:16:00.000-05:00

or is it to purify... ~msp

Depression helps you disconnect from a previous lifestyle or behaviour so that you can create a new one. Why didn't anyone teach me this definition earlier in life? or make it clearer to me when I was first diagnosed with PTSD? Maybe it would make the reality of being labeled with Major Depression far less scary...

When I came across the above definition while reading "Listening to Depression," it clicked for me. When the wreck took away everything I identified and defined myself as, I was lost. I hid for a long time, years. As I started to reimerse myself into life, I felt like a wallflower. I had never been a wallflower. I started pushing my own personal limits just to be noticed. I lost sight of me.

Being labeled as someone with depression didn't have to feel like someone was beating me down. I wish I would have been educated better on depression in my youth, which is odd since I went to an all girl's high school that was constantly preaching suicide prevention. How can we prevent something if the leading cause is never defined more than as someone being sad.

Depression. Depression. 12 months ago, I couldn't even say the word depression without bursting into tears. If I had only looked at it as my brain's realization that it was in need of a reset, a change of direction...

What your name says about you

2007-04-29T06:44:00.000-05:00

With a last name like mine, this little silly thing isn't going to tell me much...

S : Easy to fall in love with!
H : You have a very good personality, looks, and a very good kisser
E : Great in bed!
I : Great in bed.
L : Unbelievably great in bed.
A: You like to drink.

E : Great in bed!
F : You are dead sexy
F : You are dead sexy
A: You like to drink.
N: You like to drink A LOT.

Hmmm, go figure...who am I to dispute the above. Too bad, I quit drinking, because I did like it A LOT.

To Translate your own...
A: You like to drink.
B : You like people.
C : You are really silly.
D : one in a million.
E : Great in bed!
F : You are dead sexy
G : You never let people tell you what to do.
H : You have a very good personality ,looks and a very good kisser
I : Great in bed.
J : People Adore you
K : You're wild and crazy.
L : Unbelievably great in bed.
M : best kisser ever.
N: You like to drink A LOT.
O: awesome kisser.
P : You are popular with all types of people.
Q : You are a hypocrite.
R : Fuckin Crazy.(in a fun way)
S : Easy to fall in love with!
T : You're loyal to those you love
U : You are really silly.
V : You are not judgemental.
W : You are very broad minded.
X : You never let people tell you what to do.
Y : best boy/girl friend any one can ask for.
Z : Always ready.......

It is 4am; do you know where your bank is?

2007-04-29T04:14:00.000-05:00

It is 4am on, yet, another Sunday morning where I am not sleeping. I should be, but my mind has other plans...like online banking and bill paying.

I go to log on to my credit cards first, all unavailable. Peachy! Next, I go to login to my bank...also, unavailable. Ducky! Maintenance, maintenance, maintenance. What are they afraid of??? Saturday night drunkards trying to pay bills?? (Damn the drunks; if they were smart enough to login drunk and pay their bills.) I vote that financial institutions do maintenance in the middle of the week, because I'm more likely to be asleep at 4am on weekday mornings.

I want to bank at 4am on Sunday...why don't they just let me.

I blame the bank if my bills don't autopay on time because I am locked out at the only time I'm miserable enough to look at my bills.

Too full of himself

2007-04-26T07:04:00.000-05:00

I'm just really sick of Archbishop Burke and his political ways. He has ruffled my feathers and many of my generation one too many times since his move to St. Louis. He is a perfect example of someone using guilt and shame in a religion he is supposed to be growing and promoting to push a stupid political agenda that hurts noone but the innocent. He is stuck in his head and as long as he is still in St. Louis, I will not be stepping into a Catholic church in St. Louis. He is definitely the demise of the St. Louis Catholic.

This isn't Rome. Go Home BURKE!

PS. For those who are curious, I am Catholic. I was baptised Catholic. I went to a Catholic grade school and high school, even started off at a Jesuit university. I married in the church, also, by a priest who is no longer allowed to minister (but that is another long scandelous story). I know I am divorced, but the annullment process is something I've been studying and preparing for (if Burke's tenor ever ends).

Smiles...left with a tear

2007-04-25T23:01:00.000-05:00

I slept 12 hrs, at least, last night and woke up this morning without worry. The downpour of rain washed away the bad feeling (for now). Alex texted too and let me know he made it over the great blue Atlantic safely. I wish I could be there, but he is probably glad I'm here and unable to call him. He contacted me though *smile*. I wonder if he realizes how much that meant.

My day went to hell though. I let work get under my skin and fester the rest of the afternoon. I hate when I allow people to frustrate me to that point. I no longer have a job or a paycheck that justifies the aggravation I felt inside. Don't get me wrong, I love my job and the people, but, Grrrrrrrrr, my career is going the wrong direction sometimes, or maybe just my pay scale. Life was without worry before. I did everything I wanted; bought everything I wanted; travelled everywhere I wanted. Now I am trapped. Trapped by the costs of therapy...trapped by huge pay cuts, so when people/work get under my skin like today, instead of being able to shake it off, I fester. The balance of before is no longer here. No incentive to shake off the frustration, because someone else just added to the dogpile.

GELATO! Thank goodness someone else has a love of ice cream. The long walk for gelato gave me some time to blow off steam. The yummy goodness of the gelato put me on the bouncy sugar high I needed...and then the lil bit of creative mayhem, my partner in crime and I created made me almost forget that I was ever pissed to begin with. Bubbly laughter, giggling at ourselves, and calling in colleagues to participate that is what I call a good day at work.

Knowing someone else understands my life is priceless. I hate discussing the realities of life sometimes because I hate to see others pain. Tonight, I could see the tear of understanding, not how I wanted to end the night, but it showed a bond. Not all friendships are brought together by the happiest aspects of life; they are just held together that way. *hugs to you*

false sense of accomplishment

2007-04-25T22:41:00.000-05:00

Our last night hurt. I wish I could erase the majority of it. After a rollercoaster couple weeks, I thought things were coming together again. I was wrong...try as I might, I failed again. The eruption? not my fault, just a link to the past. The words that followed though pierced like a sharp knife stabbing over and over again in the chest. . . Stabbing to kill everything I've been working and praying for

and death become us?

Hair today. Hair tomorrow?

2007-04-20T02:32:00.000-05:00

I have too much to write and not enough energy to write it all. I guess this is what happens when I let 2 weeks of blogging build up in my head. Grrrrrrr.

Speaking of head, my head, I have lots of hair, thick hair...I keep seeing events for the St. Baldricks foundation. The foundation's way of attracting attention to raise money for cancer awareness and research intrigues me. Basically, you post a photo of you with hair on their website, send the link to all your friends soliciting their sponsorship to shave your head. Yes, me, with long, thick locks, shaved off...just like that. Brave. Am I brave enough to shave my head? I am ready to go shave every hair off right now, but I am a little scared my hair growing out. Will I be ugly without hair? with short hair? Will it change who I am? Hmmm.

A few years ago, right after my divorce and while my 9 day old nephew was deathly ill in the PICU, I donated 10 inches of hair to Locks of Love. My mom and sister each donated hair with me. We grew out our hair together, before life turned to hell in a hand-basket, with the purpose of donating our goldie locks to an organization like Locks of Love that makes wigs for children with cancer.

The day we had our long pony tails cut off was me bargaining with God for my nephew's life. I was scared. I remember doing everything and anything good, waiting for positive news and little Gabriel to bounce back. God heard my begging and my prayers. The little guy is healthy as can be now. He just had some valves that didn't develop right away in tiny body before he popped out into the real world. Like the rest of us, he wasn't ready for this hell on the outside, but he fought and his little body caught up to the needs of the outside world. I wish I could catch up.

I was really excited about how thin the short hair made my face look. In time, though, I grew paranoid. Long hair is something to hide behind. Short hair left me feeling totally exposed. I didn't have the confidence when I walked into a room that long hair gave me. It is sad hair defines us so much. I think that is why I want to challenge myself with St. Baldrick's. I don't want my hair or clothes or shoes or make-up to affect my personality. I want to find a me that isn't dependent on the superficial and/or material. I would accept a me where the material accentuates my personality, but I can't have it define me. Shave my head? Accept the world and the strange looks I will receive? Toss out today's standards for beauty and trust that I am confident enough to stand alone, BALD?

Sunny mornings

2007-04-06T08:19:00.000-05:00

Sunny mornings make me happy. I wake up on my couch, looking straight outside into the sun. I'm blinded. The cold air on my skin; the bright rays warming me ever so slightly. I stretch. I don't want to get up and face the world. I want to stay here all day. There is nothing better than this.

My head is telling me I should get up and start my day. Go to work. Still, I lay here. I think I rather lay here all day and watch the trees wave recklessly in the wind. The occasional squirrels playing games of cat and mouse, jumping tree to tree chasing each other is better than anything the TV could provide me right now. Although, work is often more entertaining than my squirrels. I dread the thought of leaving the couch and the primping necessary to take this PJ queen to publicly acceptable. Moving downtown, closer to work, will not cure this daily recurring dread. Even though I would like to think right now that moving downtown will be a cure all.

I have been laying here for hours now, enjoying the moments.

I think I am going to be late into the office, again. Sorry, Bossman.

More than a key...

2007-04-05T19:27:00.000-05:00

Drinking - water to stay thin or is it to purify...
Vomiting. Rocks of scar tissue. Scars on my stomach. Scars in my mind. Scars, scars, scars. Pills I take every day. Toxic support? Chemical sanity? Help. Assistance. Annoying. Pills labeling me, reminding me I'm not ok. Something is wrong with me. I am doing everything I can to fix me, but I didn't choose this. I didn't break me. I just want to be me again (whoever that is).

But theres no - no real truce with my fury you don't have to believe me...
I hurt. I get upset. I lash back. I am just protecting my heart.

You have - broken through my armour and I don't have an answer...
You constantly ask me questions. I want to answer you. I just can't verbalize everything that is in my head and in my heart. I wish you could understand and just feel what you've always felt. There are a lot of things I could follow this with, but I'm so confused I don't know which way to go: i guess nothing will ever be the same or all good things in time. Forward progress is mandatory in my life right now. I am just clueless as to where I'm progressing to.

I paint - the things I want to see but it don't come easy...
I am constantly trying to put aside the things that are stabbing at my heart and my sanity. I hold on to the smallest, happiest moments to remind myself how much you care and how much you did love me. Every tear wiped from my cheek, hair brushed from my face, hug where you pulled me in tighter and held me longer, reminisce about our good times...our time.

Think I'm - lost amongst the undergrowth so much so I woke up...
I open my eyes. I want to see you. Some things are clearer now. I am not perfect. I never will be. I know I have things to work on, but my heart still wants you.

But you stole the the sun from my heart...
What little was left of me, you placed in a bag in my car while I sleeping upstairs. I think someone crushed my chest when I opened my car door. Nothing was fixed that night, but the tears eventually turned to laughter and smiles, and I found my friend.

I have - Ive got to stop smiling it gives the wrong impression...
I tried to leave and not look at the remote on the counter. I tried to hug you goodbye without tearing up over the keyring in my hand, one key shy from when I entered. The last little things letting me know I still had a place in your heart...gone.

Lyrics: "You stole the sun from my heart" by the Manic Street Preachers aka MSP

Ciaran, thank you for sharing your song, even though I kinda stole it for this use. I bet your surprised I still listen. Please don't ever pull a Richey. I need all the friends I can get. ~shel~

Noise

2007-04-04T19:49:00.000-05:00

Silence...I don't believe there is ever such a thing. There is always noise: the white noise of the furnace, the chirping birds, the constant thoughts running through my head, the clock on the end table ticking away each second of my life, my heart beating...SILENCE, it just does not exist.

My ears hurt.

Demons for Sale

2007-04-03T05:42:00.000-05:00

Demons for sale....I thought it would be easy to type these all out as they float nonstop through my head. hmmm, guess I was wrong, because my mind has suddenly gone blank. I could blame it on the fact it is 6:15 am or the toxic smell of the 8 week old trash I finally remembered to push out to the curb for trash pick-up (things I often forget). Why does the trash guy feel the need to show up at 6:30 am to pick up the trash so that I never have the chance to remember to get mine out on time? I guess I will have to keep my demons off the market another day, damnit. So, all you demon collecting fools, please check back soon.

Scars are souvenirs?

2007-04-01T22:29:00.000-05:00

Scars are souvenirs you never lose
The past is never far
Did you lose yourself somewhere out there
Did you get to be a star
And don't it make you sad to know that life
Is more than who we are

If these scars are souvenirs, what are the vomit and the tears? the-vomit-and-the-tears. Sexy, huh? Right now, I think they are the pain the scars will constantly remind me of. I hurt. I cry. I make myself hurt to the point I am sick. Why? because I have already lost myself somewhere out there. The sad thing is I am mainly only lost in my own mind. Most that know me already think of me of a star. Ok, now you are thinking I am being corny, but trust me on the fact that I don't exactly blend in. I am a stand out whether I try or not. I think that is why the verse above always strikes me when I hear it.

Lyrics from 'Name' by the Goo Goo Dolls

Curled up in my pillows

2007-03-29T18:57:00.000-05:00

6:30 pm and I'm already curled up for bed. I'm out of breath. There is so much I want to accomplish, so many decisions to be made, but I sit here curled up in the pillows ready to close my eyes for the night. I did this last night too. I know the doctor says my body may need it right now, but I'm not sure if I need 12 hrs of bedtime right now, or if this is my excuse to hide from the world and put things off "'til tomorrow" again.

I was warned about surgery causing me to flop. I was worried about the 'high' from the flood at work eventually stopping and letting me down...hard. I just didn't expect the two of them along with other factors in life to all sink at once. I guess that is life for me. Both of my doctors keep telling me to slow down my body needs time to heal. I've slowed as much as I know how to, but I still feel like a slug dragging dead weights. I am making things up as I go now, not even things that necessarily make sense. I would say that is definitely my brain saying it is tired. let me rest, slow down, and let me rest.

Pushing myself to work and sleep and work and sleep, I can easily avoid other facets of life. My relationships with my family and friends are suffering most, but the relationships with those who have known me the longest are the ones that are the toughest for me to deal with. They wear me down more than working myself to point where I end up sleeping under my desk. Why is it that I struggle most with ones who have been there to support and love me the longest? Life, it is just downright scary. I have been rambling for about 15 mins now. I don't think I'm going to look back. I'm scared to. My brain is scattered. My heart is struggling. My physical body hurts. My stomach is hungry. My lungs are tight like weights are holding me down...and the one thing that I think would make me feel better is someone holding me telling me it will be ok as I close my eyes and fade to sleep (while its still daylight out).

Good night.

just a post

2007-03-26T14:39:00.000-05:00

Just a post, any post, so the last post, isn't my last post on my blog right now. I need a happy post to put me in a happier mood, so I don't worry about things that are not happy right now. Do I sound insane yet? I am tired. I have a lot going on at work. I need to focus on work right now. I can't change the past and I can't make things happen. LIFE. I shall live. It shall happen. I will survive.

Hmmm, didn't exactly hit the happy note, but it isn't green.

Sometimes it isn't pretty being GREEN

2007-03-24T02:45:00.000-05:00

I am in Kansas City with my 9 closest friends; yet, my head is still stuck in St. Louis. I should be totally here, worry free, enjoying the break from the hectic life in StL, but for some reason my head keeps wondering what is going on in StL. Is he moving on with someone else?

There has been a distance lately, very little communication (emails, texts, calls, IMs). Hmm. He doesn't owe me a thing by my own design. I don't expect anything, but I wonder. I let my mind wander and destroy me.

I keep telling myself it is better this way, keep working on me. Me. I hate the fact that I'm human. I see him in pain and I want to fix it. I sit here thinking about the fact that he is probably moving on. Feelings suck. Life was so much easier when I was numb to the world.

Things to erase today: jealousy

Rubik's Complex

2007-03-17T20:53:00.000-05:00

Two solid weeks of work fun! Yes, I am a sick puppy, but crisis is when I shine. My adrenaline flows best when there are major puzzles to solve, or projects to do. Up until this point, my new job had been off to a pretty slow start. I was enjoying the people and the place, but the work as a whole was slow and lacking challenge. Most of the network just needed organization, which is still the case, but now there is "needed to be done yesterday" deadline. This doesn't allow for me to approach the work in an overly cautious way, nor for me to properly plan or stage things in a methodical way, but chaos is fun (I think).

The adrenaline rush hit right when I was hitting quite a low after my gall bladder surgery. I thought removing your gall bladder was supposed to help depression, not cause it. I think part of my problem was feeling very removed from my day-to-day life. Also, the pain that I did not want to admit to added to the dumpy feelings. I kept pushing myself like nothing was wrong with me so that I could return to life and all I did was make myself feel worse. Damn you, depression.

My fear, and my doctor's, now is that when things slow at work that reality will set in and my brain won't take nicely to the drop in adrenaline since it was sliding into a bit of depression again before the "great flood." I need to start taking better care of myself and remembering to take my meds on a tighter schedule, maybe that will help when things slow down. Here's to hoping.

I think I still need more sleep, as my thoughts are still jumping all over the table...back to the couch.

PS. I love you, Meags. I'm sorry I missed the annual bash, but the body needed a day of sleep, which it does not want to wake up from. I'll make it up to you, sis.

Crashing

2007-03-01T09:24:00.000-06:00

Just over a week after my surgery and I'm sitting in Dr. Blanke's office waiting for him to see me. I have a feeling he is not even here. I love how doctor's control our lives. The pain from the surgery is still there reminding me to slow down. I'm not super woman. I have been pushing and pushing all week and finally cracked last week. The stress, the pain, and my dysfunctional relationships are all distracting me and building up. I'm at the point I just need to rest. I am tired and depressed. I hurt. I don't want to deal with relationships. I just need someone in my life, anyone, to give me a hug and hold me and just let me be for awhile. No questions. No talking. I just need to be in safe arms being held.

2:20am Gall bladder-less

2007-02-21T02:20:00.000-06:00

I'm tired as hell, but my odd functioning bladder is waking me every hour to drop 300-500 mL of fluid. What that means? I haven't a clue. I know the pain is bad. I am alone. My last shot of morphine was around midnight. This one, and the one before, was in the hip. They (the nurses) tell me these are stronger and last longer with less peaks and valleys, so far they've been correct. Although, I don't think any shot will actually be strong enough.

Well, tonight's nurse is great. She just snuck me in some pudding and jello! This is my 2nd "meal" since surgery. The first one was, in my doped up words, the best grape twin pops in the world, awesome orange jello, cranberry juice, tea (blah), chicken broth (green goo - I didn't even bother to try it), and I think that is it. Anyways, I am very grateful for the orange jello right now; the pudding is a bit thick and sweet, ick.

2:00pm - Minutes from the knife

2007-02-20T14:00:00.000-06:00

Another shot of morphine, much needed relief.

9:55am - life stuck in a bed in a room

2007-02-20T09:55:00.000-06:00

Another shot of morphine, a round of phone calls, visitors................

6:10am - Giving in...kinda

2007-02-20T06:10:00.000-06:00

Reality of the surgery may not be setting in, but the reality for the need for help did not freak me out this time. I was in enough pain to realize that medical treatment was inevitable. Now going back to the ER, ahead of my doctor's scheduled tests took a little convincing. (I mean, I only had another 30 hrs to wait before the dr's tests were scheduled.) I have to credit my co-workers, although still very new to my life (most of them). Each and everyone is very concerned and caring...and kicked my butt to the ER:

Marc's big brother concerned hug and talk
Hans' smart remark of "I know something is wrong because Sheila has been walking around with the biggest smile ever all morning...and I'm sure it is not because she is happy"
Kelly, Ryan, Steve, and Danny - all trying to convince me not to eat, but to go to the ER...they would even drive me.
Jay mouthing from his office, "Are you OK?" as I struggled my way to the bathroom. Later, he came over to my desk and listened to my illogical ramblings and followed it up with get my ass to the hospital. Hmmm, guess my logic on why I shouldn't wasn't so convincing.
Amber in disbelief that I was surviving, after the removal of her own gall bladder with complications a few weeks ago. God bless her soul
Emily making fun of my "cute little baby steps"
Shaun announcing that I'm a masochist to continue to saying things to make myself laugh and put myself in even more pain that I'm already in. I think he's proud of my pain baring ways

Ohhhhhhhhhhhh, Shot 3 of morphine was injected while I was writing this and has finally kicked in. I must say even being injected through the IV, the shot hurts like a bitch. BURNS BURNS BURNS. FIRE IN MY ARM. My current nurse was nice and diluted it more to lessen the burn. STILL BURNED, DAMNIT.

FAT TUESDAY...And I'm still on mandatory fast. I am renaming today, anorexic Tuesday. As long as the buck stops here, I'm looking forward to post-operative hospital food. Mmmmmm. Yummmy.

Ok. Nappy time, again.

3:00am - Asleep like a dead dog

2007-02-20T03:00:00.000-06:00

The fact that I will be put to sleep like an animal tomorrow and sliced open like Sunday dinner hasn't hit me, yet. Reality hasn't set in...and I am not sure I want it to.

My dreams are aware...what little I have slept has been filled with extremely vivid dreams. At one point last night, I had a being crawling out of me, tearing through my skin, chest, boobs, rib cage, with its sharp finger nails, stretching and tearing through my skin in unimaginable, horrific ways. It scares me my head creates these ideas. The whole dream was extremely disturbing with killing, incest, just a bizarre existence and behaviour.

2:35am - Hospital quiet...brain loud

2007-02-20T02:35:00.000-06:00

The hospital is finally quiet minus the clicking of this machine measuring my IV fluid. I gave in and let the nurse give me a 2nd dose of Morphine awhile ago.

I'm not sure why I fought having the pain meds this hospital visit; i think part is the guilt of my stupid gall bladder allowing me to "imagine" an excuse to have a drink friday, two more days and I would have officially been sober for 6 months. As if I am not in enough pain, I decide to torture myself with more by not taking the pain killers offered to me, often or at all, to remind myself I am stronger than that. I do not need "pain killers" or excuses. I don't need the alcohol. Six months! I wasn't working for the timeline. I wasn't working towards a timeline. I quit drinking for me, to make me feel better and feel more alive. No more excuses and no more adding to the depression. I could have done without the friday night "liquid pain killer". My friends (co-workers) questioned me, tried to stop me, but, also, knew the severe pain I was in. It was my choice, and everyone made me think two, three, four times about it before I made my choice and took that first drink. I chose to make my mistake. I wanted to have an excuse to drink and the pain finally gave me one. The good news: it didn't kill the pain as I had hoped, nor even give me a good buzz. It disappointed me, but I am, also, glad...not getting the satisfaction I wanted will make having a drink less tempting in the future. I hope.

Another reason I avoided the pain meds is I know I can handle the pain. I have been through worse every day of the last 8 plus years due to the car wreck.

a blank page

2007-01-12T21:43:00.000-06:00

I'm staring at a blank page. I've done this a lot lately even with quite a bit to say. I am just not sure where to start, what to say, or how to write it.

a new year, a new company, a new job/career, new people to meet, one of my best friends from high school re-entering my life (via work), new relationship challenges, being forced to relive nightmares, nephews-cousins-siblings growing up before my eyes, deaths, births, happy returns...and it is only twelve days into this new year of 2007.

2007....I hope is great and wonderful. Anything is better than 2006.

New company, job and co-workers...All are a breath of fresh air and bring a smile (unforced) to my face.

Relationship challenges...Well, I guess we all face these in life. I seem to be facing them more and more in life lately, both personally and professionally, with family and in "love, or the quest for it". I think the switch to Paxil and the growing more sure of myself has a lot to do with the changes and challenges. I didn't expect the challenges to grow in numbers as I became more sure of who I am now, but they are.

Nightmares...never ending nightmares. (And Meaghan, please stop rolling in the ketchup by the sandbox).

Cycles of life...again, never ending sad times and glad times balancing each other out, or one hopes. Isn't that the way it is supposed to work?

Happy returns...I recently ran into a friend I am very glad to have back in my life. We have both grown up a lot since our days together in high school, but it doesn't seem like we've been apart for 8 years. It is amazing how true friends are still that no matter what space or time separates them.

Well, there is my roll-up so far...more to come later

Time's up!

2006-12-29T21:17:00.000-06:00

....almost.

Tuesday is almost here. And so is the return to the working life for me. A month of downtime between jobs is ending along with 2006. All good things, eh? Well, maybe not too much

I hate pills

2006-12-28T19:41:00.000-06:00

Everyone said the green fairy was bad for my life. I eventually agreed and gave it up. I think the PTSD cocktail is too. I wish I could give it up.

I hate taking pills
like the green fairy, it is a relationship killer (yet, in a different way)
if you take the below pills, or ever have, you just understand

GRrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Definitions
green fairy - my nickname for alcohol, borrowed from the nickname for Van Gogh's favorite drink, Absinthe
PTSD cocktail - my current prescribed meds for PTSD which are Paxil, Cymbalta, Topamax, Lyrica, and Toprol XL

I wish people could see the world through my eyes some days, especially lately.

Auntie Evil in Munchkinland

2006-11-24T15:29:00.000-06:00

I have been slow to post lately, but I must say it is for good reasons over all. If I am not spending 24/7 at my favorite laptop-in-shambles, I am living life "like humans do".

Trent: torrent - a flow of water with great turbulence
Gabriel: God is my strength

My night as keeper of my nephews was not so bad, actually good (minus one poopy diaper), but I called in back-ups. I know what you are thinking, but I didn't wimp out on purpose. Life just happened that way. I think the big guy was looking out for my nerves and making sure I didn't rip them out in front of the little guys before they are old enough to think something of the sorts is cool.

The day started out at a family gathering in the country with lots of female cousins and 2nd cousins around the same age for the boys to torture for hours to know end...and torture they did (at least it wasn't me). Did I mention little girls shriek, A LOT? LOUDLY? Eeeik, my ears! Where's the Advil? The shrieking was all worth it when the boys both slept the whole trip back to St. Louis. Ahhhh, silence.

We arrived in St. Louis around 7pm, close to bedtime, but not close enough. Hmmm, how does Auntie Evil usually entertain herself? Mi Lupita Mexican! So, the Trent and Gabe learned the joys of Mexican too. The boys were great at first, still calm and waking up from their hour plus naps. Each pigged out on bowls of nachos, salsa, and con queso to the surprise of Mama, one of the owners, who thought it would be too spicy for my two nephews. She was impressed with their fearlessness. She even helped me teach them some Spanish which Trent happily showed off to everyone in the restaurant. After a few Spanish lessons, the boys both woofed down tacos. Note: the boys did nothing but eat all day in the country. Then, nachos. Now, tacos. As Trent was finishing up his taco, he asked Mama for honey. The child wanted honey for dessert, so she had the boys in the kitchen fix a special plate of sosapillas and ice cream up for my boys drenched in honey and cinnamon. Ewww, Messy! The boys were no longer sitting still as they ate dessert. Needless to say everything was getting sticky and Auntie Evil was getting anxious. OCD doesn't like sticky, especially sticky everywhere. Alex, one of the waiters, helped clean the boys, who quickly escaped the confines of the table and promptly took charge of the restaurant. To my luck, most of the patrons were leaving, which gave the boys a chance to play while I quickly fixed Mama's laptop (plagued with spyware and running really slow). Well, the boys ran circles screaming at the top of their lungs, round and round the restaurant. The kitchen boys decided to join in a game of hide-n-seek with them kidnapping Gabe and hiding him from Trent. After a good 20 minutes of hysterical screaming and laughing, Trent had enough of the boys keeping his baby brother away from him and stopped dead center and screamed at the top of his lungs, "GIVE ME BACK MY BROTHER!" At that point, I decided 10:30 was a good time to take leave and put my two worn out boys to bed.

Gabe woke up once in the middle of the night not sure where he was and ended up sleeping the night on my chest. Awwwwwwww.

And I and the 2 lil ones survived.

PS. I swear I still smell that poopy diaper

Wow, 10 days plus

2006-11-13T10:57:00.000-06:00

Yes, I guess after 10 days I would be in demand. You haven't missed much....just my life ;-p

I will give you a brief run down of the exciting and not so exciting 10 days that I have been absent from writing. To be honest, I have been OK, a little lost in life, but okay.

Well, the evening I last wrote I went to a party in a loft downtown on Washington. The party was to celebrate the end of the season for St. Louis' own Aussie rules Football team, the St. Louis Blues. What? You didn't know St. Louis had an Aussie rules Footy team? Well you better come check them out next season. Better yet, I suggest you sponsor them too!!! Tell them Sheila sent you! It is a great fast moving sport to watch. If you love American football, you'll love this fast paced, hard hitting game. Look, Ma, no pads!

While I was partying with the boys and Aussie girls, some jerks thought it would be a good idea to shred my driver's side door and break into my car. Then, they ransacked the inside, not leaving a single nook and cranny unturned including the trunk. The undesirables did not really take much of value from the inside of car, the value they took was all from the car itself. I now have to crawl across my passenger's seat to get in and out of my car. I can tell you this is not fun when you have a wrap around dash. Priority one this week will be to get my car repaired as soon as possible.

Saturday was "nephew night". I think I will give the boys their own post.

Sunday was another disappointing loss for the Rams to the Chiefs. Can I say that it really sucks when you see that much red in the seats at a home game! I can't believe so many home-towners sold out like that and let the "folk" (that is the only nice word I could think of) from KC take over OUR dome. I would like to say though. The 50 or so regular PSL holders since 95 in my section were all present and accounted for and stayed til the very last second of the game cheering and jeering and wondering how the hell we are going to whip our Rams into shape!

Monday - Arrived at work at 8:45am. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 10:45am still at work . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 12:30pm still at work . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 3:30pm still at work . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 7:55pm still at work . . . . . . . . . . . 10:25pm still at work . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 12:35am still at work . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .3:10am still at work . . . . . . . . . . . . . 5:40am still at work . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Tuesday - Still at work at 8:45am but headed home to sleep

Wednesday - Just another day I survived

Thursday - Sleep =))

Friday - =)) Sleep ..... Then, I went to the airport to find out all flights to Chicago have been cancelled, just my luck. My one big trip to visit my friend, Geoff-geoff, and see Cowboy Mouth at House of Blues gets screwed up. No flights rescheduled til Saturday night. Bummer

Saturday - =)) Regrouped =))

Sunday - Went to my sister's Home and Garden Party - spent more $$, but bought lots of cute things. Oh, more stuff to fill my already overstuffed place. I need a decorator. If you are one, please volunteer to make sense of all my cute things I keep addictively over buying.

Monday - Now - just more time I have survived with a smile on my face and a kick-step in my walk.

For those who were worried about my absense, I apologize.

Sleepover at Auntie Evil's?

2006-11-03T13:58:00.000-06:00

What was I thinking when I agreed to keep my nephews (ages 2 and 4 years of age) overnight this coming Saturday? I love the boys to death (in short quantities and when they are sleeping), but alone in my house with responsibility for 18 or more hours? Sounds scary to me.

I'm not worried about my house. The house is fairly child-proof. My sanity, however, is not. The good point here is I have only seen the boys lately in large groups of family not one-on-one, at all. Hopefully, the angelic darlings, who think Auntie Evil is there favorite, will be the ones who come home with me on Saturday. If not, please send in support. I don't drink anymore and will need some sort of back-up and my parent are out for the night. :((

I haven't watched the boys together, ever. I watched Trent quite a bit before Gabe was born and never again since. Hmmm. I'm not even sure Gabe likes Auntie Evil except when big brother is trying to butter her up for something good. This should be an interesting night.

What was the dog in Peter Pan? Nana? I'm not sure Chili-dog can live up to Nana status but I may put him up to the test this weekend.

Who will I be tomorrow

2006-11-01T15:57:00.000-06:00

I can't quite put a finger on things lately. "Things" being my state of mind or how I'm feeling about life in general. I guess this status quo sort of frame of mind is good, but it, also, leaves me feeling a little numb or lost feeling. Is this who I am turning into or going to be? If so, this is boring as hell...or maybe, it is not, and I just need to settle a bit. I, just, today am starting to feel more unsure about "things".

There has been no changes in the prescriptions for awhile so I guess my lil' brain has finally found and settled in a content, drug-induced state. Good or bad, I am not sure, just in a constant which is better than all the ups and downs I had for awhile. I like rollercoasters, but everyday, every hour, of my life is a bit much to ride one. Where do I find my middle ground? My happy place?

Numb is just as exhausting as the whirlwind rollercoaster ride. I need to wake up. I've napped long enough. I feel like I'm missing something and/or someone. I'm 30. I said I was going to make it different this decade. I just need to figure out how and where to start. Suggestions are welcome.

a day of depression...

2006-10-31T14:19:00.000-06:00

A friend of mine asked me a couple of weeks ago what it feels like when I am depressed. It is not something easily put to words, but here is what I wrote:

a hug is needed to pull me in tight, hold me forever, and swing me side to side
i can't smile because every muscle in my face feels like a dead weight
it hurts to move my body out of the fetal position
everything causes a tear in my eye
a drive down the road isn't just drive down the road...i think about driving off the edge of turns or what if I get hit around this next bend, will it hurt, will I die
if i die, who will be at my funeral
there are so many thoughts in my head I can't concentrate on any one long enough to make sense of just one of them
i wonder if there will ever be enough time, money, love to put my life back together again
i feel bad towards my dog that i'm his owner, that he may be better off dead and maybe I should have it put down
i could sleep forever and never feel like i ever have enough
taking a shower seems like a major undertaking that doesn't seem possible, but not taking one makes me feel even worse and even more dirty and anxious
i feel like i am starving but nothing sounds good even though my insides feel like they are imploding
when I do decided to eat, I eat something that awful for and binge terribly on it

It may just sound like a bad day, but think of a lot of endless bad days with a lot of forced fronts and acts that you put on towards those around you so they don't see your pain (depression). Ahh, another point: You feel the need to put on an act around everyone you know well, an act of happiness and strength, even though your world is caving in.

Luckily, my bad days are far and few between lately. Hopefully, I will keep them that way. My plan is to keep them kissed away with my twenties.

The Numb

2006-10-25T11:47:00.000-05:00

My dreams lately have been plagued by what some may call nightmares; dead people, crashes, fatal crashes all around me filling the moments my eyes drift shut. I wander through them, waiting for the end to come, for it to finally to stop happening, and to be cleared. The night before last though, I found a little girl when I was wandering. I stopped and entertained her while the accidents were all being dealt with around us. Her and I were in our own little bubble, numb to the blood and chaos surrounding us. Is this me? Am I finally becoming numb to my biggest fear?

Something true is never lost

2006-10-23T10:44:00.000-05:00

I'm still flying high from one of the best weekends of my life. I think I could write an entire book about 24 hrs of my life. It was simply amazing how it has affected me and how great I feel. I don't think anything could take this sense of self and happiness away from me.

Friday night, the whirl wind weekend began. I went up to The Phoenix, a local bar, where my friends' band, The Real Me, was playing and my outlaw (ex-MIL), Sharon, was celebrating her birthday. All my ex-in-laws and associated friends were there dancing and having a great time. It was great to see so many faces from the past. And, of course, Chris and Lisa were there. Tonight was different though. Instead of Lisa and I dancing the night away like we always do and Chris occassionally joining in. It was Chris and I dancing...kinda like old times. A nice remembrance for my 30th birthday weekend. I didn't speak. I listened. He told it would be ok. I have made it this far on my own. Thirty would be better...and he is still there for me. He said it may not seem like it sometimes, but he is still one of my best friends. He is not going anywhere. He still loves me and will take care of me. I am safe. In my place in life, even from my ex-husband, that is all I need to hear....from him, the most sometimes, it is exactly what I need to hear. Letting go of Chris was/is hard for me. He was the person who new me best, who still knows me best. He knows my weaknesses. He knows the real me.

We both know we were not meant to be married to each other, but friendship is a definite. Neither one of us would be who we are without the other. Ten years is hard to replace. Ten years together can never be replaced, nor do I ever want it to be. I smile knowing he doesn't either. I can't ever replace my first love, or one of my best friends.

Isn't that right, Chris!

PS. Not only did I keep Chris in my life, he has found and given me a great friend in his girlfriend, Lisa. I may sound like a broken record but she is one of the most caring and fun people I have every met. She is just as important in my life now as Chris is (more so sometimes)...gotta stand by that girl-power. Love you, Lisa!

Written 10/18/2006

Living like a daisy...

2006-10-20T15:02:00.000-05:00

A few weeks ago, I bought daisies for all the girls in the office, to cheer us up from a really crappy, busy week. There are only 4 of us, including myself, so it is no big deal. Mine are still here, mostly alive. Every couple of days, I trim the stems, add a dab of sprite, and top off the water.

The daisies are the bold-colored ones (lime, hot pink, orange, electric blue, purple, and yellow). Now who wouldn't be happy looking at bright, colored, wide open daisies sitting in front of them??? (Naysayers: shush your mouths now, it is a happy day)

My daisies are showing signs of future wilt and fading more every day, but I still smile every time they catch my eyes. The petals, and their bright colors, reaching straight out; the reminder to stretch out and enjoy what is left of their life...and mine, who knows how much is left, but they still reach, grabbing for more...still living for it, enjoying it. Every day I am realizing, like the daisies are reminding me, I need crawl out of this shadow and go back to me, stand out for all to see, as much as possible, show all my colors, and crafts, and prove that I can stand on my own and do it for myself. I'm ready to be cut free. I may wilt at times, but, hey, isn't that a reminder to go out and play in the water???

My last day could have been 8 yrs ago, then again it could be 80 years from now. Lord, help me, it won't be that long off. It shouldn't take much to be happy in life: a little trimmin', a dab of sprite, and a topper of water???....just look at the daisies.

29 plus 1

2006-10-17T17:52:00.000-05:00

A new age has begun...and I have not been happier in a long time. I know I haven't had much to say lately but with my new age, I have turned over a new mood...HAPPINESS. Watch out, World, here is a smile you were not ready for. Despite some things in life that may not be going my way at the moment, I am feeling pretty invincible. Twenty-nine dealt me a rough hand and I'm not going to let thirty do the same. This decade I will be in control.

Look for more writing. I have a lot to say. I even think I might start sharing a pic here and there for the strangers in the dark to get to know me a bit. One step at a time though, can't do it all at once.

And to my new friend, Erin, hang in there. I've had a busy weekend, but I'm still here for you ;)

Put on a Happy Face

2006-10-10T07:16:00.000-05:00

OK, I'm going to try and forget yesterday existed. I'm up early (for me). I'm thinking happy thoughts. 5 days until the big 3-0. Yippee. The girls and I are going to go fru-fru it up before the big bash at the oh-so classy biker bar! There are daisies on my desk at work. Today will be a good day....I hope.

PS. Does anyone else out there use Charter internet? Do you get booted constantly at night in the wee hours? Does Charter not understand that not everyone uses the internet during the day??? This crap is getting on my nerves...oops...HAPPY THOUGHTS

Deep Breathes til Tomorrow

2006-10-09T20:25:00.000-05:00

I'm on such a sick rollercoaster of emotions right now. The ones I want to be having and the ones I'm experiencing...to tell you the truth sometimes I don't know which are which anymore. Do I want to be happy, stressed, freaked out, jumping with excitement????? The stress is here, deep in my chest drowning my lungs and fighting my heart. The pressure has been gone most of the time lately, but not today. Today it lingers.

It feels like I'm sitting at the bottom of a pool. I'm holding my breath. The pressure is getting harder and harder on my chest, but I stay under unable to get the air I know I need. My heart is beating harder and harder against my breast plate to the point I can feel my pulse throughout my entire body. I can't make it go away. It won't slow down. I feel like my heart wants to escape the confines of my chest. My body is asking too much of it. I hear my heart beat in my ears as if it is being amplified by water....

Another Pain in the...

2006-10-09T17:38:00.000-05:00

The fuzziness never leaves some mornings when I wake up. I wake up, rub my eyes, stumble to the backdoor to let Chili-dog out, never quite gaining my balance. I stand in the shower with halos floating across my eyes wondering if this sick sensation will ever just leave me alone.

The hot water of the shower just seems to encourage the halos. Sitting on the floor of the stall, shivering, wishing it would either just paralyze me so I could go back to bed or go away so I could go on with life. I hate this medium...I am aggravated, but noone knows it is bothering. No one can feel the numbness in my fingers or the halos in my eyes, I have to carry on. They can't understand, or maybe they can, maybe this is normal.

I guess I wonder if I'm broken and how I need to be fixed. I don't feel right. I don't feel like living like this. I just want to be alone. The numbness starts to strangle me. I feel like I have a large fist around my neck clamping tight constricting my air flow. Then, suddenly, all the numbness disappears, but is replaced by a sharp pain in my head. The migraine. My foe. It has been awhile, but he attacks with avengence again.

This is my birthday week. I just want to be happy, but the world and work is determined to plot against me every way possible :(( =(

30 years minus a week

2006-10-08T22:38:00.000-05:00

I remember thinking when I was younger I would never live this long. I thought for sure I would die before I would reach my twenties. Now I sit here, a week from my 30th birthday wondering, "Now what?"

I would ask for a map for my birthday, but I already have several (and they are never in my car where I really could use them). Although, I am sure the road maps I own right now have their purposes, I am not sure they would provide me the direction I am currently looking for. I am scared, for one, to change directions. And secondly, I'm not quite sure I know where I want to go. If I ever change directions, is it ok to do so blindly? I made it this far without a plan...I never thought I would make it this far in life. I guess now is as good time as ever to hit reset and try it all again. No marriage. No children (just some furballs). Just me, and me alone.

Stay tuned...

2006-10-03T09:17:00.000-05:00

I'm back from my little KC adventure, where I caught up on sleep, time with "my boys", bonding with Emily, and Fish-isms. I have lots to share and misquote, so if someone plays with meat in a box that explodes, please do not take it the wrong way....because we already did.

Check back late tonight for a full KC update.

Chow Mien for now.

Bummed

2006-09-28T16:12:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I can't be the accomodating one...I'm always the accomodating one.

I worked until 7pm last night. I add that up to about 30 hours too many. I know this is not the fault of my friends, but my plans were set over a month ago. I suggested they join me and the others the minute they mentioned we get together tonight, but no, not good enough.

One couple is in town with a big announcement from San Diego; the other is recently engaged, in St. Louis. Both couples include two of my best friends from high school. It is tough to the point of tears for me not just agreeing to just blow off my other plans and meet the four of them...and catch up with the others as I have time, but I am tired and frustrated. I am sure the four of them think I am unreasonable because I am single and just a lonely singleton who won't just agree to their plans...but I just can't do it any more. I really think I might crack with any additional stress this week.

The week has been really long and I cannot handle any changes right now. I just want to stick with the plan in my head and go with it. I am really tired. I know the drive to Westport. I know the restaurant/bar, Trainwreck, well, so all the comfort zones are there. If I go somewhere new, I won't be at ease and my night will be pretty much spent with me feeling tight as rubber bands because I am some place new and unfamiliar. As it is, I am not sure how I will do with the group as a whole anyways. Becky is ok, because it is Becky and I see her and talk to her all the time. The others don't sit in my everyday zone, so I don't know how at ease or not I will be with them all. It is hard to say and think that someone I am so close to can seem so distant to me at times, but that is Social Anxiety disorder for you, compliments of PTSD. I want to say it is better, but every time I do I get put back into a situation like last Friday where I feel super out of place and just want to leave. Hmmm. The devils. As it is, I won't be able to eat tonight wherever I go, so I, at least, want to go somewhere where I won't feel like should be chewing Zantac instead of bubblegum. I just wish they could understand, but then, again, I don't wish these constant feelings on anyone. I may seem fine, but I'M A FREAK and a overall happy one at that if I get my way tonight. Therefore, I am going to the Trainwreck and not drinking a drop and singing my out-of-tune butt off to Loud Mouth Soup.....And if that doesn't make you cover your ears and die laughing, nothing will. I'll be the one with droopy tired eyes, molesting the guys on stage because I can, not because I want to or they want me to. Have a great evening. Cheers.

3:30 am - Still at work

2006-09-27T03:27:00.000-05:00

Now I wish I had my pillow and my snuggly "looks like I killed Pooh" blanket. Oh, I wish I had socks, too. My feet are cold working in the server room. Today, I hate servers. I don't think I get paid enough to like the metal beasts anymore. Maybe I will make nice and give back all the hardware I have robbed from the poor thing in the morning, if it is nice. Wow, I am losing it now.

I think my blog is losing all direction and purpose the last two weeks. I think my lack of sleep has something to do with that. I think I feel a responsibility to write even though I have nothing of purpose or of meaning to share. Therefore, I rant and ramble.

5:15 am - Still at work
I'll probably still be in trouble today too, still be told that I'm not putting in enough effort or hours. Hmm, what have I been doing with my life for the last 2-3 weeks? I had thought doing nothing but worrying over work, but obviously I was wrong once again. Sleepy, emotional frustration, ugh. K, enough whining, server is back up.

6:53 am - Still at work and crunch time begins
Co-workers will start arriving in about 30 mins and email is still down. Do I curl up in a lil ball and start screaming like Just Jack now or save my breath for those who will appreciate the laugh and Just Jack humor? Hopefully, I will get this fixed before 8 so that I can sneak out for a Starbuck Chai tea...or better yet, I should call a co-worker and see if I can plan the pity I've been here all night will you please bring me Starbuck's card. The latter sounds like a better plan. I forgot to call the ex-husband to have him stop in and take care of my dog, so I have to implement plan B and catch the neighbor boy on his way out of bed whenever that may be.

6:58 am - Server still loading updates
Time for more tea. Caffeine holes in stomach are good, right? Plan A for kissing butt with co-workers: make pots of coffee so everyone has hot cup upon arrival. Ahhh, I'm soooo bright!

7:14 am - Server is rebooting, yet, again
Two pots of regular coffee are already made, one pot decaf on its way...and I don't even drink the crap. Now if I were really good I would go line up their coffee mugs in the kitchen and pour it as they walked in, but that would be pushing it, even for sweet, little, ol' slap, happy me.

7:39 am - Email is still down
And I get no damn appreciation for the coffee, just crabbing about the email. I can't wait for the beating from the bossmen.

Can I curl up and cry now?

2006-09-26T19:52:00.000-05:00

Today was tough and in 10 minutes I can finally put it all behind me and start anew. The bad part is...I am still sitting at work. I am taking a quick break with a cup of hot tea to warm up. Burrrrr, it is cold here.

I didn't sleep last night due to migraine. I should've just gave in and drove myself to the hospital, but I always think if I can just wait it out just a little bit longer I will fall asleep and sleep it off. Nope. Nada.

Fast forward to noonish...I sit down at my desk. The owner of my company asks if I have time to talk, of course, I do. Let me just say the talk was not a good one, it was one of those where I wonder if I will have a job next week. The talk, also, caused the throbbing in my head to grow. If I could only go home and disappear. I felt so alone and isolated today. I couldn't talk to anyone about how awful I was feeling for fear I would break down in tears, nor was work really the place to talk about work. I've only been out of here for an hour since 12:30 today, not good.

Alex's day was about the same, which makes me wonder what the moon looks like outside tonight. Hmmm? By the time I hung up the phone with Alex though, I did have a smile on my face, so kudos to Alex. Also, a gold star to Dr. DD for making me leave with a smile as usual too. I needed the extra pats on the back today.

I, also, need to apologize to Jason "you let me shave your head" Jason. Happy Birthday! and I'm sorry I missed your party tonight.

Happy Birthday Jason!
You may look like Uncle Fester
But you always take care of my car like a wise old Yoda
Happy Birthday, Baldy!
I owe you a few!!!!!!

A theory on life lately...

2006-09-25T18:33:00.000-05:00

I have been so balled up and worried about how others and their actions towards me are affecting my life that I haven't paid as much attention to taking control of my life. I need to put an end to people forcing life upon me. I am not weak. I should not let them intimidate me or make me weak. I don't think this is the entire problem, but a place to start evaluating and correcting.

This weekend was rough. I spent a lot of time alone and curled up on the couch sleeping. Life has me very drained again. Work is the number one break in life. Add to that a few changes in the personal life equals Sheila not sleeping well. I can't keep surviving this way. I have a permanent persisting headache today. I know it is stress, just pounding away telling me to just go home and sleep. The other crap will still be there when I wake up in a few days, mental health needs to come first...too bad the bossman wouldn't understand. I wish I could work as many days straight as I wanted to and just take weekends when I needed them and then a few more days a time. Ahhh, if only I ran the world.

Ok...off to do something like lay on the couch and vege now.

Yes, You have reached...

2006-09-25T10:06:00.000-05:00

Sheila Effan's blog, please leave a message at the beep.

BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEPPPPP!

I just wanted to say a big thank you to Mary Leonard on a terrific job on her article yesterday in the St. Louis Post Dispatch. Everyone should take a few minutes out today and read it. Here is a link, and, of course, it features a bit about me and my blog, so please check it out. Mary was a delight to talk to and I hope to hear from her again, even if it is not for an article. She really is a fascinating person to speak with. Thanks again, Mary, and best of luck.

Rewind: Friday night band gig

2006-09-23T11:51:00.000-05:00

I survived the band gig Friday night. I tried to make myself feel better about going by actually primping beforehand instead of the 5 min. touch-up before walking out the door, but I don't think it helped too terribly much. Although, my new shirt was a hit. I bought it at Hot Topic, this week, a store I normally do not step into, but I wanted something dark and limit-pushing and where else do you go, except a teenie bopper store. Anyways, the shirt reads, "I'm not crazy, I just do bad things when I don't get my meds". Perfect for a girl on a bunch of crazy meds right now, huh? I figure I have to do anything I can right now to keep my mood up; and funny tshirts about being evil are my norm...so I expanded a little, what's wrong with that?

I think edgy is my new word, because it seems to best describe my current state of being lately, EDGY. I think Alex was the only one who caught on to how off I was feeling Friday night until I went to leave and Karen asked me if I was OK. Then, she asked if I was drinking or thinking about drinking. I told her the latter, that is why I was leaving. I explained the full situation to her about not wanting to be there and she let me leave without anymore questions. I love band-mom. I was very concerned about Alex getting home though. He was pretty lit, but insisted he had it under control. I trust the other guys wouldn't let him do something stupid and left it to them, because I really needed to get out. I just couldn't stay there any longer. I felt just very edgy and closed in on there. I bet you are wondering what was the problem. Hmm. How can I explain this... I will have to find a way to do this PC and dance around a few of the topics.

Alex brought Jill out for the first time to meet the "group". Did I mention Jill and I went to high school together? Welcome to St. Louis! Mike, also, showed up. It was a nice surprise. Our schedules hadn't jived for 3-4 weeks now it seems like. And I was ending another stressful work week and still not drinking and happily not doing so, I think. Gail and Cindy were there too. They left without saying goodbye. I even dance with Marissa (by choice) Weird night. Changes. Changes.

Possum Kingdom didn't make it better for me either (of course, it didn't come true).

AAA - All about Alex

2006-09-23T11:31:00.000-05:00

Happy 31st Birthday, Alex!
and
Congratulations on the big birthday present
on getting your divorce finalized yesterday.
I hope this year brings you lots
of wonderful new beginnings and big smiles.
You deserve every little bit of happiness in your new future.

Thank you for being the friend I can always count on.
I know you are always there
with constant and unending support.
You are my window and, often, my mirror too.
May all your wishes come true.

...and everything changes

2006-09-22T16:10:00.000-05:00

I have survived over a month without my covenanted green fairy (alcohol for the newbies). I've been doing great and feeling great about it. If there will ever be a challenge of my will tonight will be it. My cousin, Jager, has been calling my name all day.

In my head, I think of the people who keep congratulating me on quitting and who keep hugging me telling me how proud they are. Then, I think about how much easier the things going through my head would be to take with a little relaxing help from cousin Jager or uncle Tequila. Answers there are, ask Yoda!

This week has been so challenging and today just made it even worse. The results being exactly as I expected and had been preparing myself for all week. The depression side of things has made an ugly appearance again. The lonely feeling that no one will ever be able to fill, the deep dark hole. The pit in my stomach is making it hard to eat and drink. The dark hole/pit just consumes every moment making me feel so alone, which I am. I am.

I can't wait until my trip next weekend to KC. A whole weekend road trip with the guys to go see Emily, Rev. Joe and Tracy. A weekend surrounded 24/7 by friends, no escaping, no cancelling (they will carry me out kicking and screaming if they need to). It is good to have friends. I need to go see Geoff-geoff too. He just needs to send a ticket so I can't cancel on him either (hint, hint, Geoff, Marc/Lynne/Mike, etc).

Back to the title, I feel today is the official beginning of a some changes in some of my friendships. I hope I'm wrong, but only time will tell.

....sad, so sad. It was bad, so bad. It was sad when the great ship went down.

TGIF

2006-09-22T05:03:00.000-05:00

It is Friday. Yippee!

It is 5am. Ugh.

Today, I am going to find a friend to hug and hang out with tonight, and a great big cup of Chai tea for breakfast (after the big weigh-in party at work). Wow, do I know how to plan a Friday, or what?

Anyway, here is to survival and to smiles!...and to a better end to a bad week.

PS. I saw armadillo buttons at the store last night. I wanted to buy them, but what now could I possibly put armadillo buttons on? hmmm

It's back

2006-09-21T17:32:00.000-05:00

The pain that someone you love just hurt you deeply. A best friend abandoned you. You ran over the cute little gray bunny. They died and left you behind. She is know longer there for you when you need her most. The pain that you just can't do it all on your own. The overwhelming pain. The one that reminds you that you are alone. You are in charge of you...and your house, and your dog, and your car, and going to work, and, and, and....

Setbacks. Reminders. I'm not fixed yet. I can't do it alone.

Setbacks? or fears?

I get so close. Yet, when I do really well, I get scared that people think I am cured. They think I don't need any help or support or concern. I start to feel abandoned and alone. Fear.

The overwhelming out-of-place sensation at work is encouraging the above, I think...maybe. Work the last 3 weeks has definitely put me on edge. I need to climb back on my rock and gain a little ground.

My evils: It is hard to say if PTSD is feeding the edginess at work right now or vice-versa, but either way both are shredding my insides. I just want to sleep. I've resorted back to little blue pill called Lunesta.

Woke up on the wrong side of the bed

2006-09-20T09:53:00.000-05:00

Err, couch (since I haven't slept in a bed since only who knows when).

I think I should have just stayed in bed this morning. When I showered (the place where I do way too much thinking), I started over thinking yesterday's events. Yesterday was not the best of days, but ended ok with a little meditating and spoil me shopping (more on that later tonight when I unpack the bags from the backseat of my car and see how much damage I really did to my bank account). Work still has me edgy. I have a lot of work with several quick commitment dates which I don't think can be pushed back despite the world falling apart in the server room (typical for the IT world). The project management team has, also, become extremely needy this week because it is a patch week. Anytime it is patch week, they push all their customer stuff that I can handle back on me, because they are overwhelmed with documentation. Normally, I don't mind picking up the slack, but now I have a boss man (besides the owner who likes that I cover their backs). This new world isn't working well for me, at the moment. I'm not sure if it is a matter of adjustment or just not a good fit. The lack of sleep is just making the entire situation worse. I really just need a mental health day curled up in a ball where no one can find me (not even the ones I want to find me).........................

Actually, I don't think it is just work. I think it just everything, everyone; work just happened to kick it all off. I would like to go in the woods where no one can find me, hike up a bluff, feel the cool fall air against my face, the warmth of the sun warm my body, and just find a quiet place to sit and watch the world go on without me.

I haven't had any days like this for awhile, but I am just really edgy. I just don't feel like me. I still have a lot in my head I haven't been able to put to paper or to blog. Usually music helps me unclog my head when I get blocked, but I've had my iPod glued to me and it isn't helping me expell the needed mess. I keep looking over at my picture of Yoda telling me "Answers there are". "Where?" I ask. "Where?" I'm about ready to wipe that silly smirk off his face too, but I can't (I wear the same smirk almost daily). Maybe he is where I got it from....the childhood screening of Star Wars in the theater. I remember seeing two movies in the theater, Star Wars and Care Bears, when I was little. Answers there are seems to have taken me farther in life than the Care Bear stare, no offense to the Care Bears. One thing for the Care Bears though, everything ended perfectly. I think I could use one of those Care Bear hugs and endings right now. Anything...I just want to put my mind at ease from the chaos.

Midday iPod-itation

2006-09-19T14:46:00.000-05:00

Well, when I just logged in I realised blogger ate one of my posts from last night. Hopefully, it is still on my laptop screen at home (keep your fingers crossed). Last night was a tough evening on me and I had a bit to say/share.

On to today... My afternoons are spent either glued to my desk working on numerous projects/servers/clients or in the server with my friendly iPod keeping me entertained with a wide variety of music. Last week, when I was updating my iPod with the latest and greatest I could find to download, I found some guided Zen meditations and, also, some meditation music. PERFECT, I thought. My doctor has been reminding me to meditate to help with my anxiety and other PTSD related conditions/issues. I really want to , but I have a hard time separating my lazy self from the couch to sit down and actually meditate. When I do find the time though, I feel very alert and rejuvenated. I really need to meditate more often.

Well, this morning I went to my normal tuesday appointment. The doctor and I were discussing my new meditations and how I was excited to find something to download and carry with me on my iPod everywhere I go. And not only that, I actually had used the new meditations a couple times, a small start, but a start.

I may have an iPod and I may use it daily, but I'm not a freak who sets up playlists nonstop. In fact, I don't have any playlist. I just hit shuffle everytime I turn it on. Therefore this afternoon when I hit shuffle and was sitting here doing the most monotonous work and a meditation came on, I started to hit skip. Then, I looked at the time....6 mins. I could take 6 mins out of my work day to meditate; and so I did. The meditation was perfect. A meditation on the heart. I had a very frustration night last night and was carrying around a lot of resentment. This meditation was about making choices and letting go of the resentment and the bad stuff we have piling up inside and making those middle choices in life. Perfect. I couldn't think of a better way to spend 6 mins and clear my mind and my resentment toward the person causing me the most pain at the moment. Random meditations in my playlist, who would've ever known. And to think of all the laughs I had about it earlier today at therapy. The doc is going to have fun with this on Thursday.

Which way to the door?

2006-09-18T22:58:00.000-05:00

Six in the evening, I didn't know whether to scream or to cry. The server from hell decided to drop 2 out of 3 hard drives when I went to take it down to replace the bad hard drive, which put me in dire straights for the 2nd time in two weeks.

My stress and sleep levels couldn't take anymore of this. I just wanted to give up. I wasn't ready to do an all nighter again. I still needed to catch up on sleep from last week and let my mind recoup from the stress. I went into the server room and stared at the server blankly for a few minutes not sure where to start, just lost to the world. My brain did not want to turn on and work in hardware mode. My poor little head just wanted to go home and relax and write. I had planned an evening of exercise and writing and TV, not stressing in an ice box of a server room.

Thankfully Geoff-geoff called and jokingly inquired about when I was moving into his condo in Chicago. He let me know he had just washed the sheets so now would be a good time; and with the current stress at work, it sounds good to me. He said he just needed to go ring shopping because his Mom didn't want any girls living at his house unless he was engaged to them. Hey, hey, I'll have to keep that in mind. I'll always have Chicago and Geoff-geoff to lift my spirits on my bad days and to marry me if I get desperate. Finally, Geoff had to go and I went back to attack the work at hand with a little better attitude and a lot more fight in me.

So much for that freaking fru-fru manicure I paid waaaaaay to much for on Saturday, as soon as I opened the server I was back to the scratched-up, chipped-up nails that normally wears a mouthy, anti-priss chick like myself (and Brambles Beth wherever she is hiding).

PS. I, also, owe a bit of thanks to Tony G. and Marc for smart ass support. Crap like that is what keeps me going on nights that I just want to throw in the towel and give up. Thanks guys. I am not sure if it was dropping the server or kicking the hard drive that fixed the problem, but, hey, all is good now.

What do you mean, "How am I going to party?"

2006-09-15T12:57:00.000-05:00

My 30th birthday is one month from today; and approximately one month ago I quit drinking. At first, I was very confused and uneasy. Alcohol helped me deal with people and anxiety. It helped bring out the old me everyone expected. The problem was alcohol, also, helped me lose sight of the post accident Sheila, the girl who is still figuring out who she is now.

Anyways, back to my birthday...my friends and I were out to dinner earlier this week and someone asked, "How are you going to party?" to my statement of "I'm not going to drink at my birthday party either. I QUIT drinking, which means I don't take a time-out and drink on my birthday."

I let the question go at the time, but when I got home I couldn't let the question go. How was I going to party at my birthday? What fun is it going to be if I don't drink? No shots? Uh? I had a lot to figure out in the next few weeks. Can I have fun without drinking? Is there a substitute? Should I take a break for just one night? Do I want that depressed hell the next day? I am 30 only once afterall.....hmmmm.

My blog is so pretty, oh so pretty...

2006-09-14T23:12:00.000-05:00

if blogs can be pretty...in a turtle-like way.

I have been blogging for about 3 months now and thought it was time to be a bit adventurous and try to get away from the boring green and white and add a little color to go with my turtle shell like title. If the colors scare you, speak now. If the colors are burning your eyes out, look away!!!! If you don't, plan to be tortured until I am bored enough to care about colors or you have no eyes left (whichever comes first). Blogging is for writing, not for the mirror, mirror, on the wall, I'm the fru-fru-est pretty blog of them all crap.

My goal here was to write something of sustenance tonight but, hmmm, that did not happen. I have a lot to write and share. My head is on overload. I've had a very screwed up sleep schedule the last 7-10 days and my blogging has been just as bad. I hope to improve both this weekend before the clutter in my brain causes my hippocampus to start getting mushy again. Me and my hippo....can't ever get ahead, Damn.

Sweet dreams (of me) for now.

Touched by Two Warmths

2006-09-14T12:03:00.000-05:00

One point after all came to rest I realized that my hand was wet and pressed against my soaking wet warm abdomen. My breathing was very defined, my hands trembled, my mind was trying to take in all that was going on around me and decipher the wet hand. The one thing my mind did know was it didn't want to look downwards. I kept looking forward and at the boys apologizing to me. They kept saying, "I'm soo sorry, I'm sooo sorry." And I in return said, "It's OK, just calm down." Yet, I couldn't get a normal breath. I still did not look around. I did not turn my head. I didn't realize Chris was unconscious. I didn't know what the warm dampness in my lap and on my hand was. For those brief seconds. I was just lost in it all. Trying to catch up to the time passing before me and slowly gaze downward into my hand and realize I was not bleeding the wet warmth in my lap and on my hand was not red. What was it? I glanced around and saw an upside-down can of Sprite...just Sprite. I let a breath out. I must have been holding my breath. I finally realize Chris was not responsive "Chris, baby, Chris." Oh no, oh my God, NOOOOO, NOOOOOOOOOO! His eyes were rolled back in his head. He was leaned in toward me. Blood was flowing down the farside of his face into and out of his ear. OUT OF HIS EAR. GOD, Please don't let him be dead. GOD GOD GOD. "Chris, baby, CHRIS, WAKE UP." "GO GET HELP, CALL 911! HE's NOT CONSCIOUS" "CHRIS, IT's SHEILA. It's Sheila".....................

The paramedics lifted up the stretcher and started wheeling me down the hill past the crowd of strangers. I could feel every bump and rock on the road. My head was pulsating so bad. Why did they tape my head down so tight. I just wanted to cry. I was so confused. I wanted my shoes off. My hands and arms had a strange numb tingly feeling. All these people are staring at me, wondering what caused our accident that closed the road for so long down...probably wondering how bad our injuries were. Then, suddenly, I heard her. She was crying, but, at least, it was someone I knew. It was Sharon, my soon to be mother-in-law. I didn't want her to cry. I didn't want to upset her. Chris and I would be OK. We would. She didn't need to get upset. Someone needed to tell her we were alright. Why was she crying? Chris was talking now (not sensible, but talking). Where is she? I hear her. Next, I saw Cheri, a friend's wife, holding someone. It was Sharon. Sharon reached out and grabbed my toe. She was shaking and bawling. I started crying again too. Gasping for air, I watched her do the same. Finally, she spoke, "Sheila-baby, I love you. You know that, right. I love you." Warmth filled my body. I was going to be her daughter-in-law next year and she just told me she loved me for the first time. It was going to be OK. She knew it too.

I have a lot to say

2006-09-13T15:15:00.000-05:00

I just don't know how to say it right now.

Sept 11th - Sept 12th (reason for my PTSD)
Overworking - Undersleeping - Avoidance
Lack of Me time
which equals lack of brain to hand translation
an 8 yr post accident blog is now overdue
and stuck in my head
life is also stuck til I relieve myself of it

the bright-side, i called someone to tell them how their words at the scene of the accident have comforted me everyday for 8 years now. simple but life saving. i'm glad she knows. i'll stop now before this tear pops out. hopefully, what i really need to blog about will find an escape from my tortured brain and share itself with you.

What did I do this weekend?

2006-09-10T23:41:00.001-05:00

Work around the clock all weekend (critical server down)
Get hyped on caffeine
Skip and slide up and down the halls of the office (Tom Cruise in his younger years has nothing on me)
Put up signs all over the place, reminding my co-workers they could improve their toilet, kitchen, printer, etc, etc, habits (can you tell i'm truly bored and delirious yet) I might go check out the guys urinals next

Example from the office fridge, which smells like a cross between tuna and the mildewed rag underneath the dirty dishes that have been sitting in my sink for the last two weeks (where are those damn cleaning fairies):

Opening the fridge
and inhaling the first
overwhelming whiff,
I’m guessing all the lovely
Styrofoam packaged items
contain exotic Delicacies,
and not rotten food
which you are saving for
little Dick and Jane’s
science fair projects.

Please clean out your trash
so my fresh food
doesn’t smell
like your rotten crap.

I’ll give you until ….well, let’s just say
you better do it quick.
This sleepless delirium is causing a purging spree.

Thank you for your timely cooperation,
~the keeper of things needed to be kept~

OK, back to work for a bit. I'm sure I'll be back soon after I find something new and annoying and deliriously stupid to talk to you and myself about.

Lyrica - I feel like singing

2006-09-07T16:32:00.000-05:00

Ok, I started a new med this week: Lyrica . I don't know if it is my crazy ear ache or the lovely Lyrica, but I'm feeling weird at the moment. Yes, I know I'm already weird, but this is like a dizzy weird, like I shouldn't have to work today weird.

I feel like I just drank 6 fish bowl Margaritas and my foot is trying to find the floor to make everything stop spinning. And to make things worse the "sanity test" is still in progress at work, so the constant beeping isn't helping anything. How can I feel drunk when I haven't had a drink in almost a month??? Lord, help me.

I've felt in this weird mood all day. In a way, it is confusing and distancing, but in another way it is freeing and fun. I have been skipping through the hallways in the office. I even decided to come into work late because maybe the "sanity test" isn't as fun for everyone as I initially thought so I went and bought ear plugs and noise eliminating head sets for everyone. That's right, just call me Santa Claus. Nothing like Christmas in September....I figured if they already are selling Christmas crap in department stores I can start giving Christmas gifts (since I definitely won't remember co-workers come Christmas time). Ho, Ho, Ho, Merry Christmas now, Probably BAAAAH Humbug come then.

Maybe this is just the adjusting period to Lyrica. I believe it is still a relatively new drug and maybe that is the reason I can't find good information on it like I normally do on the pills I take. Just call me a druggie. Druggie.

OK, I've been rambling long enough. Time for me to plot my escape from work.

'Til later, my compadres!

Listen hear, Do what you are told!!!

2006-09-06T14:07:00.000-05:00

*Stepping up on my soap box*

Ladies and gentlemen, smartie pants nephews, and any one else who might come across this....

If someone suggests or tells you to do something, the person acting in authority is doing so usually in your best interest, SO LISTEN TO THEM NOW.

When a doctor prescribes a bunch of drugs, take the damn things even if you hate taking pills. For instance, I hate taking pills and sometimes I may not think the little devils are doing a damn thing anymore (but usually I am wrong (I know, can you believe it, me? wrong?) and I don't realize it until I miss a dose accidently). Right now I am taking what seems like a million pills every day for my PTSD and resulting conditions (Cymbalta, Lexapro, Toprol XL, Lyrica, Topamax, Disulfiram, Ovcon and occassionally Lunesta and Allegra) This little life saving cocktail is helping me improve my life everyday. I have never felt this good in the last 8 years, so guess what? The doctor knows better than I do when he said take a handful of damn little throat chokers several times a day (maybe not exactly in those words, but you get the point =)).

Or maybe when Mom tells you not to touch the car keys and to stop jumping around in the car, she means it. She doesn't really mean for you to nab the keys and put them in the ignition...And maybe turn the said keys in the ignition and put the van in reverse, promptly backing it into a tree while Mom is trying to strap 2 toddlers into the back seat. Hmmm, wrecking Mom's van when you are 4 does not bode well for future driving lessons (in 10 years or more). Trent, buddy, I say don't go anywhere near car keys for a very long time. I love you to death but wrecking mommy's car is not the way to become a big boy. You need to be good so Gabe can learn to be like you (except the smart mouth and wrecking cars part).

I'm sure there are a lot more examples to learn from out there right now but give people a chance, don't be so full of yourself all the time. People are trying to help you not have to make mistakes. They usually have already made the mistakes and want you to learn from them so you don't have to suffer to. OPEN YOUR EARS and your hearts. You'll be glad you did in the end. It is worth millions. Not everyone is right, but then again neither are you. Take a chance, listen to a friend, a teacher, doctor, co-worker, parent, sibling, or even a stranger, it is amazing what you can learn when you listen to another.

A Plug for my friend, Shaun's, Sis's Cookbook

2006-09-06T10:34:00.000-05:00

From Shaun (former The Real Me bass player):

Hey everybody. The cookbook that I contributed some of my short stories is available now on Amazon. My sister Jeanne did the recipes, Brother Dane created the artwork, Brother Grant edited it and I wrote about ten short stories about family trips and old memories. Please let all of our friends know about it. There is a link on the Merchandise page of my web site. Here is the Amazon link too. Shaun

Christmas will be here before you know and if you are like me, you don't have a clue what to buy anyone....why not order a case of cookbooks, easy to drop in giftbags and hand out to all those people who give you gifts that you didn't have a clue you were supposed to buy for. Ahh, the life of a singleton gift giver.

Testing one's sanity

2006-09-05T20:11:00.001-05:00

Beep, beep, beep

That is the lovely noise echoing throughout my workplace today, thanks to one my critical servers failing. Since the server was working, I left it up even though the controller card was testing the sanity level of the rest of my co-workers. Personally, I just found my noise-reduction headphones and didn't hear a single beep. Meanwhile, my co-workers were walking around severely frazzled. I don't think I have ever been so entertained at work.

To make things even better, the alarm company showed up after lunch to test the alarms. The frazzled over-caffeinated beings went to super shaky on the edge of sanity within minutes of the fire alarms starting. I must say I wish I had my camera today. I think I was the only one thinking clearly.

Beep, beep, beep

PS. The good news (besides making my co-workers crazy today) is that I got to order a new server due to arrive Thursday. New toys! Yippee!

Reality Bites

2006-09-03T23:05:00.000-05:00

Living in the now can be a scary awakening. This year I've been scared of the past, scared of the future, and terrified of the now. There never seems to be enough time for me to take it all in and find a place to process all the thoughts in my head. I have a million "plans" for my future, but as the ideas hit I do not have enough time to absorb or research the thoughts as deeply as I would like.

I guess the initial thought here is I finally have plans. For so long I was terrified to try something new, terrified of failing. I velieve I can handle failure better now, I think. I could research almost anything to death or evaluate the same things over and over again. My problem is I don't get paid right now for research. To get a paycheck, my job demands that I work on IT stuff. Bummer.

There are not enough hours in my world to absorb the now. I feel like healing from the PTSD has been a whirl-wind tour. It took 7.5 yrs to create this mess and in 7 months now I've already made significant changes to improve my quality of life and not let the PTSD own quite as much of my world anymore. Hopefully, soon it will not own any of my world. We will see.

The past. Will I ever really be able to put the past behind me? Therapy has been great for me to understand the hows and whys of my life better. Each session has allowed me to put things in a better place and to rest. The past is done, behind me. I need to be done with it, too. Easier said than done. Done, done, done. The past created me, but I can't let it own me. Yet, I dwell on things I can no longer change and that no longer influence my future. I'm hoarding the past. I hide from everyone that I still do, but I remember so many bad things and I cannot let them go. This is where PTSD still owns me.

Suicide

2006-09-02T23:21:00.000-05:00

This is a topic I'm not sure I ever really want to post, but the reality is I need to. It is not an action I contemplate now, but did in the past. My attempts were obviously, and thankfully, unsuccessful, but they did occur. The negative side is that my cries for help were unheard and useless in getting me the help I needed. Yet, I survive; and I live.

I hate to admit it, but add me up as another girl's school statistic. As much as they preach to one attending an all girl's school about depression, getting help, and signs of suicide, pride prevents you from accepting the fact you are falling victim to such an evil; and not wanting to betray your closest friends prevents you from helping others that show the tell-tale signs. When I hear people speak of wanting to go back and relive their teenage years, I cringe. Teenage life is not easy, filled with confusing lessons of trust, friendship, peer pressure, and survival.

People act shocked by suicide, talking about how selfish, what were they thinking? One, it is a cry out for attention, you aren't thinking about others feelings. You are only thinking about your own overwhelming feelings and how you need another to notice yours. You need help, but you don't want to be a burden...hence the act. And thinking? You are thinking you can't do it anymore. You feel helpless, scared, lost, and confused. Your thinking is very muddled and desperate. You need help to sort your thoughts out, but that help never seems to come. You spiral so far down til there is no place left to go...you have nothing left but to beckon on the end.

This blog scares me more than any other. I'm worried about my family and friends' reactions to my writing and sharing the above. I'm not proud of my actions years ago, not that I should be, but I feel the need to put the above into words and so I can put another chapter behind me. The other side, of my family and friends' reactions I worry about, is embarrassing them, but it was my reality. I can't deny that or hide it any more. Hiding it will just let it happen to someone else...and I've already known too many who have taken their own. Why do I worry about embarrassing them? Shouldn't I be more embarrassed and ashamed of myself? or is it OK to accept this as my past since I no longer contemplate repeating, just remember. Remembering now and hopefully some day forgetting.

Coincidence has it that when I wrote most of this last night I was unaware that today there would be a dedication of a park bench and tree at Wilmore Park to a family friend who unexpectedly took his own life this past December.

Have I mentioned lately

2006-09-01T13:17:00.000-05:00

Have I mentioned lately how great my ex-husband's girlfriend, Lisa, is? Not only did she invite me out for girl's night last night, when I didn't show or call, she followed up with phone calls today to make sure I was ok.

Life is queer sometimes. I have found a great friend in Lisa. It is very comforting knowing I have another great person looking out for me when times gets tough. She is, also, a great time out on the dance floor, or anywhere I end up with her.

Keep on rockin' girl!

Van Gogh'ing it

2006-09-01T10:36:00.000-05:00

I am on day 5 of a stupid ear infection (probably swimmer's ear). No, Mom, I have not been to the GP Dr. because I personally feel 2 inches tall everytime I go in to see the man. So, here I suffer. I used to get a lot of ear infections and bouts of swimmer's ear in my early 20s, but I've suffered little with ear problems in the last few years til now. Damnit.

At this moment, I totally understand why Van Gogh lopped the damn thing off. I'm sure his ear was swollen like a golf ball trailing down his jaw line like mine and the only sure sign of relief was to cut it off and eliminate the source of pain. Although, I'm not quite sure the Van Gogh-look will help me in the looks and dating departments. However, it will give me a chance to wear all these unmatched earrings I have, since I constantly seem to lose just one of each pair I own.

This, also, may be the dog gods way of punishing me. My golden retriever, Chili, suffers constantly from ear infections and ulcers. No matter how much TLC I give him the damn things are constantly a bother to him. Right now, I'm feeling incredibly guilty and hoping to find away to clear us both up this weekend (even it is taking a bit of advice from my trusty Van Gogh).

JUST MAKE IT GO AWAY!!!!!

Out of nowhere

2006-08-31T13:43:00.000-05:00

A friend from my past suddenly appeared on my screen last night. Someone who has always held a very deep place in my heart and not for obvious reasons. He is someone I met at a turning point in my life and provided a lot of support when I needed it most.

Rrrr has one of the most comforting voices I know. His voice alone would assure me things would be ok. Granted, we met at turning points in both our lives when life seemed most complicated. Still, there was a comfort knowing someone was out there (thinking of me, worrying about me, and feeling the same pains in life and love) made my very existence better.

Rrrr is romantic dreamer. He was a big influence to me, always made me think a little deeper and realize the many passions in our lives. He encouraged me to explore them and not to always let the easy or practical roads lead us away from our true happiness. I learned I have many passions that should be expressed, not hidden away from the light of day. As I climb out of this shell and explore, I tend to be more true to myself, able to express myself without doubt or worry and gain appreciation, support, and love.

Rrrr has one of those devilish smiles when he is up to no good, just the thought of it makes me laugh. Laugh at the good times and the trouble the two of us could/can get ourselves into...and probably still could, should our paths cross more often.

Rrrr, also, shows an enormous amount of concern for the mental and the physical being. He reminds me both need to be taken care of. He was dead right when he encouraged me to work out, eat well, and sleep. It is amazing how when you take care of the physical, the mental improves too.

These are just a few of the great memories and lessons Rrrr has given me. Hopefully, they will continue. Hearing from him definitely let me end my day with a smile filled with lots of great memories. Too bad all days cannot end that way.

Trading Mud for Tears

2006-08-31T10:20:00.000-05:00

My sister called me Monday morning. My Schnoodle, Guinness, is living with her at the moment. I was a little concerned when I saw her name on the caller ID and even more concerned when I heard her exasperated, "Hello".

Meags: I lost your dog
me: It is OK. What happened? and how long has he been gone? (thinking to myself of how to best handle the situation when I was already late for work)
Meags: but I went looking for him and found him
me: OK, are you alright? is he OK?
Meags: Yeah, but he put me through hell and I was supposed to be taking Abby (our cousin) to school, so Mom had to do it. She didn't want to hear the story so you have to listen to this...
me: Ok (thinking about last time she said this and told me about the Opossums)
Meags: Well, I didn't know where he went and I was looking all over the back yard in just my bra and dress pants. Then, I thought he might have gotten out front so I ran out the front gate right as a truck full of guys drove by and I'm standing in my front yard in my bra yelling, "GUINNESS". I probably gave them an interesting start to their morning.
me: I can only imagine they were not too disappointed, hun.
Meags: Then, realizing I was in my bra I jumped in my car and grabbed an extra shirt out of the back and put it on and thought I should drive over to Grant's Trail (right behind her house) to look for him. Well, I pulled up to the trail entrance and these guys are looking at me funny running in heels down the trail. I ran yelling for Guinness for over a mile when I spied him jumping in and out of a mud puddle and rolling around in it. When he saw me he started to dart the other direction and I was soo exhausted I just plopped down on the ground and started crying knowing I couldn't catch up to him running. Well, I guess that is what he needed. He came running back to me and crawled in my lap rubbing against me trying to make me feel better. All he managed to do was make me feel muddy. He covered my clothes, hair and face in mud, so much for showering.

After sitting there for a bit, I decided to carry him back to the car. For such a little dog, he got really heavy fast after just running so far for him. My back starting hurting and I was ready to collapse again and I had nothing to walk him with. I finally figured I was covered in mud already and it would be easier to walk barefoot with him. As I took off my heels, I got the bright idea of linking the straps together and around his collar to walk him with. By the time I got back to my car the guys I passed earlier were laughing hysterically at me covered in mud and walking Guinness with my high heels. I'm sure I was quite a sight for them.

I pulled a Sheila

2006-08-30T15:27:00.000-05:00

Geoff is keeping me very entertained today with his crabby, hungover mood, and constant calls for assistance.

Evidently, Geoff "pulled a Sheila" last night and is paying the price today. And while being in such a lovely condition, he decided loading up his new laptop with the necessary software and drivers is a good idea. I'm not so convinced being that I am his personal help desk technician, who he doesn't pay crap to put up with his attitude while providing great support. (LoL, feel the love, Geoff-geoff, feel the love)

Geoff and I met a few years back and the first time we went out, it was, of course, a drinking adventure. With our love of Vodka and the lack of things to do in Springfield, IL, we went on a pub crawl, drinking a Vodka-tonic or two at each of our stops. The last of our stops of the day landed us in a nice little corner bar where the bartender would hand-stuff the bleu cheese olives. (For all of you that just went Ewwwww, I'm right there with you.) Geoff happens to love a good vodka on the rocks garnished with a few bleu-cheese stuffed olives; he, also, believes that everyone else should love them too. I can tell you he is wrong in this belief (and now I think he finally agrees with me). Being the good sport I am, I tried one of Geoff's olives knowing I have never cared for the taste of olives or bleu-cheese. I managed to swallow without gagging the putrid thing back up and promptly washed it down with another vodka on the rocks.

After bantering for awhile about baseball and which team is better the Cards or the Cubs and placing a few wagers on the season's final outcomes. Geoff and I decided we drank more than our share of vodka for the day and maybe it was time for a break for a bit before dinner. Off to the hotel room we went, Geoff, unfortunately, beat me into the bathroom. While waiting my turn, I kicked back in the bed only to realize I was too drunk to lay down. My world started spinning and I couldn't get the legendary trick of the foot on the floor before I started hurling all over the bed and floor and eventually blacking out.

Waking up hours later in the bathtub, I realized Geoff was talking to my Mom of all people on the phone. First question out of my mouth is "Why is my mother calling you?" and then, hearing the concerned conversation I start blurting out, "I'm fine, Mom...just acted stupid and drank too much." Then, I had to explain to her, my sister, my ex-husband, and my friend, Jack that I was OK...and, no, they did not know Geoff, but I was completely safe...and, no, I will not tell you where I am...and, no, you cannot come and get me. UGH.

Needless to say, that was the night "pulling a Sheila" was coined. Anytime, Geoff or anyone he knows drinks to much into a puking oblivion, I get called and told about who "pulled a Sheila" this time. I'm glad I made my mark in history, or not.

Reflection

2006-08-29T02:08:00.000-05:00

Life awards us every once in a great while with people who help us find ourselves. Some people are windows that allow us to open up and really see ourselves. Other people are mirrors whom we see ourselves in. These windows and mirrors are of different sizes and shapes with very different purposes. The compacts help us sneak a quick peek in when we need that reassurance; and the dressing mirrors help us put ourselves together and look good. The broken mirrors remind us noone is perfect; the broken windows let little surprises in that we normally keep at bay. The big windows allow us to open up and let in a nice breeze when we need cooling down. Then, there are the windows that allow the sun to shine through, warm our hearts, and light up our souls. Lastly, there are the bay windows that remind us to take time out and steal a moment for ourselves or even sometimes invite friends to sit down and share memories.

Surviving 50 Effan Years

2006-08-28T15:34:00.000-05:00

Happy Birthday, Pops!

There is much to say, but few words that will give my thoughts justice. I'm just glad to know you are always there looking out for me, in one way or another. Hopefully, the next thirty years will bring you and I double the stories and great times of the last thirty.

Congratulations on 50 years
and here is to many more to come! Cheers!

I love you!

So close, yet, so far away

2006-08-28T14:45:00.000-05:00

My life is brilliant...

She smiled at me on the subway
She was with another man
I won't lose no sleep on that
because I've got a plan...
I'm very content with life at the moment. I'm not too worried about the future for I'm realizing, in time, all things will work out, but which things? Hmmm, that is a question neither you or I know the answer of at the moment.

...we shared a moment that will last til the end...
I have a lot of faith in people, almost too much. This faith in people often leads to disappointment. I feel like that could happen again soon because I realized I was putting a lot of myself and my faith into someone that probably is not capable of returning it in the same capacity and may not ever. The tough part is letting go of someone who is quickly becoming such a cherished part of my life, but I think it will hurt less this way. I feel if I continue on the path I've been on with this person I'll end up disappointed in myself for once again jumping in head first, instead of dipping my toe in to test the waters first.
...I don't know what to do because but I'll never be with you...

I feel attachment to very few people. The ones I do feel the bond with make life seem pretty lonely when they are not around, which seems to be more than they are around. This is mainly my fault though. I never want to be looked at as needy by my friends. I love them all and don't want to be a bother, just a great friend. I am probably completely off in my thought of my friends thinking of me as needy. I tend to be the force behind the distance which sometimes seperates us due to me not wanting them to see me when I don't have life "together".

I tend to be very intuitive when it comes to other's needs and feelings. I guess I just assume everyone is this way. As I experience more and more people, I am realizing very few people are are naturally intuitive. I am not sure if this is a gift or a curse. Although, this time my intuition is saying hang in there, experience is saying cut loose now.

It's time to face the truth because I'll never be with you

lyrics: You're Beautiful by James Blunt

PS. My feet feel like they are housing rocks. I think I need a pedicure.

Selfish or Sense of Self

2006-08-27T19:32:00.000-05:00

Why is it that I always have the need to accommodate others before myself? I rather make others happy and put my own feelings aside. I never want to be perceived as selfish or even be put at fault for making the wrong choice. I like being a responsible and take charge person, but the fear of the above has often caused an inner conflict: should I make things happen? or should I attempt pleasing everyone (the impossible task, but one I take on daily).

Where do we want to eat? Simple question, but one of the biggest dilemmas I face when out with a group. I might be craving something but unless i know for a fact others will want the same I will stay silent and make someone else choose. I'm afraid of choosing wrong, even if circumstances lead to something happening out of my control. If I made the choice I will feel guilty. There is the damn guilt thing again.

Last night, I was the designated driver, probably a long term position due to my abstaining from the so-called evil world of alcohol. Being in a bar with everyone drinking was a tough test for me. What made it worse was being responsible for 2 of the drunks there. Damn the drunks. I became very agitated quickly on Saturday. I think a shot or two would have put me at ease, but, instead, I was hyping up with Axiom Blues, another Red Bull-like drink. Just what I needed, caffeine, to add to the agitation that was building up inside me. My patience was fairly good despite my insides eating at me. I really needed to leave and take comfort away from the rowdy, loud drunks and numerous drinks scattered around me, but the drunks of the night are never the ones that want to leave the bar, especially before it closes. I should know, I've been the drunk of the night quite often the last few years, never wanting to miss a thing.

When I finally escaped the smokey bar scene, my aggitation didn't go away. It continued to grow worse as the night went on, stealing away the sleep I badly needed. Why you ask? I was still in a position of being responsible for another. I know it is awful, especially since I've been the drunk who has relied on others to take responsibility for me the last few years. I worry and to put myself at ease I will follow my point of concern in circles just to make sure they will be ok. I can't handle guilt if something should ever happen. Paranoia still lurks about me, but just not with the severity of the past.

I think it will be awhile before I will find a place of contentment in the bar scene or the drunk friend scene. Things I found highly amusing a few weeks ago are now churning my insides, begging for a way out of the situation. I know time will give me additional patience and comfort to allow me to enjoy the great times out with my friends and repay them for all the drunk-care they have provided to me in the past. I'm just not there, yet, but soon, very soon.

'Til then, let us all raise our glasses of water....Cheers!

It's not you, it's me?

2006-08-26T17:29:00.000-05:00

I'm writing today not only my own personal experience and feelings, but from the stories and understandings of my many male friends, who often consider me just one of the guys. (I still haven't decided if that is a good or bad thing)

There is a common occurrence in dating many women, and sometimes men, do not understand. The lack of understanding adds to the cluelessness of what really causes men to "tick" and leads them into the circumstances of such occurrences. I hear about it repetitively from male-types I associate with. Such occurrences are very common in the movies too, but I rarely can say, as a female, I am often the perpetrator. I know you are wondering what this occurrence is and here is the really tough part to explain (partly because many of my readers are men and God bless you guys). Well, here goes nothing...

There is the situation where everything is going fine or status quo in a relationship. Then, for no particular reason, you wake up one day and realize I'm done. I am ready to pull out of this relationship. There is not an explainable reason. There is nothing wrong with the other party involved, no problems between the two of you. You just hit the point that you are finished with the relationship.

People have this need for justification, an exact reason. Some times life is not that simple, especially relationships. You can love a person, but not have that drive to keep things going. Relationships in my mind are draining (friendships, dating, family, etc.). I think one is sub-consciencely aware of a drain or lack of spark before one's self can fully interpret and justify an ending or change. I believe some people are just more willing to act on the sub-conscience edginess in a relationship and make the change without that one infamous reason, or last straw. And in these situations, no answer is ever really going to put one at peace. When it is over, it is over. When a change needs to be made, make it. Prolonging the inevitable is a guilty self-torture which is totally unnecessary.

Guilt: Being responsible for and accountable for an offense or (in my words) a torture device abused by modern society